A Message From Post Rapture Heaven: Help!

[3113]

Okay, so eleven p.m. last night, I'm minding my own business, when suddenly I feel this pull. Next thing I know, I've left my clothes behind and I'm soaring up through the roof of my house into the night sky, surrounded by all these naked assholes (ugh! not the sort I'd ever want to see naked!) who are singing hymns--off tune and really bad hymns.

I get to this ultra hushed place, and I tell 'em: There's been a mistake, I belong down there. "With the earthquakes?" they ask in disbelief. "Yeah," I say, "California." "No, no," they shake their heads like I'm crazy, "you can't think you belong down there with the fires--" "Yeah. California." Now they're really confused. "With the gay parades?" They ask. "Yeah! California!"

They don't believe me, but they've handed me all this paperwork to fill out and told me that after I turn it in, they'll review my situation. What the hell is my social security number....? I've been working on it while searching for internet (there is no fucking wi-fi up here!) Finally found some.

Wil someone please find a way to get me back down to Earth? It sucks up here! The food in cafeteria is bland, the muzak is all Tony Orlando and Dawn (if I hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" one more time....), the only game they've got to play is shuffleboard, and all the magazines look like they came from a children's dentist office

 

[lovecraft68]

Okay, so eleven p.m. last night, I'm minding my own business, when suddenly I feel this pull. Next thing I know, I've left my clothes behind and I'm soaring up through the roof of my house into the night sky, surrounded by all these naked assholes (ugh! not the sort I'd ever want to see naked!) who are singing hymns--off tune and really bad hymns.

I get to this place ultra hushed place, and I tell 'em: There's been a mistake, I belong down there. "With the earthquakes?" they ask in disbelief. "Yeah," I say, "California." "No, no," they shake their heads like I'm crazy, "you can't think you belong down there with the fires--" "Yeah. California." Now they're really confused. "With the gay parades?" They ask. "Yeah! California!"

They don't believe me, but they've handed me all this paperwork to fill out. I've been working on it while searching for internet (there is no fucking wi-fi up here!) Finally found some.

Wil someone please find a way to get me back down to Earth? It sucks up here! The food in cafeteria is bland, the muzak is all Tony Orlando and Dawn (if I hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" one more time....), the only game they've got to play is shuffleboard, and all the magazines look like they came from a children's dentist office

Well as far as all the naked people being unattractive you are dealing with religious zealots most of which flock to these whacko churches because the rest of society won't accept them.

Now how did you end up there? Also what type of health care they got?

 

[3113]

Also what type of health care they got?

Are you kidding? No one gets health care, that would be socialist. You have to pay out to your own private insurance company and two-thirds of the people up here are being told that because of pre-existing conditions they'll likely be dropped if they put in any claims (I don't get it. For some reason they all thought this was a heavenly idea?). Oh, and those insurance companies charge an arm and a leg to cover the wings. Did I mention the wings? What a pain in the ass! They don't even work--meaning, you can't fly with them (I've been trying to explain that the physics won't support a human flying with a pair of wings on his/her back but no one here even knows what "physics" is). The wings flap and shed feathers, make it impossible to scratch your shoulder blades, and I think I'm starting to molt

Please, please get me down from here!

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I think you'd better check the return address on those forms. I have a sneaking suspicion that the word is a bit shorter than 'Heaven' . . .

 

[R. Richard]

From the English folk song, 'Sam Hall'

It's in Heaven now I dwell, now I dwell,
It's in Heaven now I dwell, and it's a bloody cell,
All the whores are down in Hell,
Damn their eyes, damn their eyes,
All the whores are down in Hell, God damn their eyes.

 

[TE999]

Okay, so eleven p.m. last night, I'm minding my own business, when suddenly I feel this pull. Next thing I know, I've left my clothes behind and I'm soaring up through the roof of my house into the night sky, surrounded by all these naked assholes (ugh! not the sort I'd ever want to see naked!) who are singing hymns--off tune and really bad hymns.

I get to this ultra hushed place, and I tell 'em: There's been a mistake, I belong down there. "With the earthquakes?" they ask in disbelief. "Yeah," I say, "California." "No, no," they shake their heads like I'm crazy, "you can't think you belong down there with the fires--" "Yeah. California." Now they're really confused. "With the gay parades?" They ask. "Yeah! California!"

They don't believe me, but they've handed me all this paperwork to fill out and told me that after I turn it in, they'll review my situation. What the hell is my social security number....? I've been working on it while searching for internet (there is no fucking wi-fi up here!) Finally found some.

Wil someone please find a way to get me back down to Earth? It sucks up here! The food in cafeteria is bland, the muzak is all Tony Orlando and Dawn (if I hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" one more time....), the only game they've got to play is shuffleboard, and all the magazines look like they came from a children's dentist office

Maybe you need to convince them you don't belong there and there's been a mistake. Try doing things like:

Asking who wants to start a daisy chain or an orgy.

Asking where you can get an abortion...or a sex change.

Peeing in the Jordan River...repeatedly.

Hollering "Fuck!" "Hail Satan!" "We're here and we're Queer!" "George Bush sucks donkey balls!" and "Darwin rules!" as loud as you can.

Attempt to perform fellatio, cunnilingus or analingus on everybody. (You really want to be back down here with us don't you?)

Ask where the dirty magazines are sold.

Attempt to organize a pole dancing club.

Ask where you apply for a 'Victoria's Secret' franchise.

Inquire as to where in Heaven all the Sybian's are as you really need to get off.

***

You'll be back here in no time. We'll leave the tiki torches on for ya.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Double post. One of the problems 3113 won't have for a while.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Okay, so eleven p.m. last night, I'm minding my own business, when suddenly I feel this pull. Next thing I know, I've left my clothes behind and I'm soaring up through the roof of my house into the night sky, surrounded by all these naked assholes (ugh! not the sort I'd ever want to see naked!) who are singing hymns--off tune and really bad hymns.

I get to this ultra hushed place, and I tell 'em: There's been a mistake, I belong down there. "With the earthquakes?" they ask in disbelief. "Yeah," I say, "California." "No, no," they shake their heads like I'm crazy, "you can't think you belong down there with the fires--" "Yeah. California." Now they're really confused. "With the gay parades?" They ask. "Yeah! California!"

They don't believe me, but they've handed me all this paperwork to fill out and told me that after I turn it in, they'll review my situation. What the hell is my social security number....? I've been working on it while searching for internet (there is no fucking wi-fi up here!) Finally found some.

Wil someone please find a way to get me back down to Earth? It sucks up here! The food in cafeteria is bland, the muzak is all Tony Orlando and Dawn (if I hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" one more time....), the only game they've got to play is shuffleboard, and all the magazines look like they came from a children's dentist office

Well, it's your own fault, you know. If you had been more sinful, you would still be here among us naughty ones. I just dubmitted what I think is the best story I've ever written, and you won't be able to read it.

Maybe if you do what TE suggested, you might be able to return.

 

[3113]

Attempt to perform fellatio, cunnilingus or analingus on everybody. (You really want to be back down here with us don't you?)

Not even if I have to listen to "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" for eternity! You have no idea what these people are like! Not even missionary sex! Not even a French kiss. No way, no how!

I just dubmitted what I think is the best story I've ever written, and you won't be able to read it.

You're telling me! This wi-fi keeps trying to block me from going to the porn sites, Lit included! Damn Coffee Bean! This wouldn't happen at sinful Starbucks! I'm having to piggyback on other networks. Luckily, no one up here uses a password....

Did I mention my fear of heights? That's the other thing. No television. Everyone just gazes down at what's happening on Earth (from waaaay high up! ) saying, "I can't wait till they get swallowed by lava! Hahahahaha!" Real Christian of them Not!

Maybe I should arrange a gay pride parade? That could be the ticket back home.

 

[oggbashan]

Start shouting "Allah Akbar!".

That should get you expelled.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There aren't any gay folk up there with you, though.

And cupidity isn't a besetting sin, evidently, so stealing money won't get you back home...

Tell you what, we'll perform a seance and trap your soul in one of them Blavatsky Boxes. Your ectoplasm should follow shortly...

 

[3113]

Tell you what, we'll perform a seance and trap your soul in one of them Blavatsky Boxes. Your ectoplasm should follow shortly...

Now there's a good idea! All you witches, satanists, pagans, spiritualists, new agers and such, help me out! Summon me back! Clap and say you believe in me!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Clapping will restore your wings, too.

Oh wait, that's Tinkerbell.

 

[Boxlicker101]

There aren't any gay folk up there with you, though.

And cupidity isn't a besetting sin, evidently, so stealing money won't get you back home...

Tell you what, we'll perform a seance and trap your soul in one of them Blavatsky Boxes. Your ectoplasm should follow shortly...

That gay pride parade might be a good idea too. Surely you aren't the only one who didn't want to go, and there must be a lot of others who are already bored with Heaven. You can maybe get them to lie about their sexual orientation and join you in the parade, especially since everybody is naked already and trick The Powers that Be into sending you back. It's worth a try.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

Start singing that old R.E.M. song, "It's The End Of The World As We Know It," and don't stop until they kick you out. It shouldn't take more than a few dozen times, I would think.

EDIT: I assume you mentioned what you write on earth on one of those forms, yes?

 

[Boxlicker101]

Clapping will restore your wings, too.

Oh wait, that's Tinkerbell.

I would think that would work for any fairy, or anybody who is fey.

BTW, have you met anybody else from Lit? Some of them, I would just as soon you leave them there.

 

[sr71plt]

I just came to after being enraptured, but when I asked where I landed, I was told I was in a Marriott next to the Charlotte, North Carolina, airport. I think I want all of that money I tithed back.

 

[3113]

Ha! I think the problem may be solved! You see, it seems the 11pm "pick-up" was for Asia. Apparently, those from the U.S. won't be picked up till 6pm (EST) and that meanest 3pm California time (sorry, Bel, looks like you were right! We do have time to cram for the quiz!).

I seem to have been caught up in the 11pm Asian pick up. So, if we can get things straightened out, they'll send me back and, hopefully, I won't be re-picked up at 3pm.

P.S. Thanks Tat and Box, it was mentioning that I write stories here on Lit and showing the how may I had that got them to finally check the records. California here I come!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Ha! I think the problem may be solved! You see, it seems the 11pm "pick-up" was for Asia. Apparently, those from the U.S. won't be picked up till 6pm (EST) and that meanest 3pm California time (sorry, Bel, looks like you were right! We do have time to cram for the quiz!).

I seem to have been caught up in the 11pm Asian pick up. So, if we can get things straightened out, they'll send me back and, hopefully, I won't be re-picked up at 3pm.

P.S. Thanks Tat and Box, it was mentioning that I write stories here on Lit and showing the how may I had that got them to finally check the records. California here I come!

That sounds good. Be sure to look me up after you return, especially if you haven't replaced your clothing yet.

 

[estragon]

As W. Schwenk Gilbert Said

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen,
The clouded sky is now serene,
The god of day — the orb of love,
Has hung his ensign high above,
The sky is all ablaze.
With wooing words and loving song
We'll chase the lagging hours along,
And if he finds the maiden coy,
We'll murmur forth decorous joy
In dreamy roundelays

 

[jomar]

Ha! I think the problem may be solved! You see, it seems the 11pm "pick-up" was for Asia. Apparently, those from the U.S. won't be picked up till 6pm (EST) and that meanest 3pm California time (sorry, Bel, looks like you were right! We do have time to cram for the quiz!).

I seem to have been caught up in the 11pm Asian pick up. So, if we can get things straightened out, they'll send me back and, hopefully, I won't be re-picked up at 3pm.

P.S. Thanks Tat and Box, it was mentioning that I write stories here on Lit and showing the how may I had that got them to finally check the records. California here I come!

So...what, you got swept up in the dress rehearsal?

 

[Belegon]

Tell them you are wealthy and remind them of Matthew 19:24... one of those verses that makes the Republican leadership run around with their hands over their ears yelling "not listening, not listening!"

 

[3113]

Tell them you are wealthy and remind them of Matthew 19:24... one of those verses that makes the Republican leadership run around with their hands over their ears yelling "not listening, not listening!"

Well, I suppose it all depend on how you define "rich"...

 

[3113]

So...what, you got swept up in the dress rehearsal?

No, no it was the real thing. It was just a matter of mistaken address. See, this is a "rolling" rapture. Asia gets to go first, then it rolls and picks up people in the next time zone, on through Europe and then, lastly, in the U.S.

I got picked up in the Asia rapture.

 

[Belegon]

Well, I suppose it all depend on how you define "rich"...

Ah yes... they are good at redefining.