Rapture Relief Fund

[3113]

Dig deep into those pockets people, it's a good cause. Especially if you think you're going to be taken up and won't need the money anyway....

A fringe Christian group has been busy lately warning the world about the coming Rapture, which it claims will be here on May 21. California-based Family Radio is spearheading the cause and has purchased billboards around the country asking commuters to mark May 21 on their calendars. They say that's the day when Jesus will return and true Christians will be spirited off to heaven, leaving the rest of the population to suffer through the last five months of their lives until God destroys the Earth on October 21.

If the prognosticators are right, then some of us are in big trouble. With that thought in mind, a local group called Seattle Atheists is now taking donations for a "Rapture Relief Fund" to help those who are left behind. "To help us help you, we've created 'Rapture Relief,' an aid fund for the unfortunate people left behind," said John Keiser of Seattle Atheists. "When you give to this fund, Seattle Atheists will use the money to help survivors of any Armageddon-sized disaster in the Puget Sound area."

Full story here (and should there be no rapture and no need of this relief fund, all money will go to send kids to science camp ).

 

[Guest]

Can I apply for early relief?

deleted

 

[PennLady]

Is the rapture A. M. or P. M?

This has been the subject of much (humorous) speculations. It's at 6am, I think, but that would occur first in New Zealand. So we may eke a little extra time out.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Let's not worry about the rapture; think of the bliss we can enjoy in the following five months. The truly devout will be gone, and the world will belong to us sinners without anyone to object. And now we'll know how much time we have left, so "enjoy yourself; it's later than you think," will encourage us all to indulge our pleasures as much as possible. With all the like-minded people left behind, we should have plenty of fun before "daddy takes our T-birds away."


P.S. Since the believers believe that heaven is only for people, we should set up a pet care service for the faithful who might feel bad about abandoning their beloved cuddlies in favor of a hairy thunderer in the sky. And remember to collect the pet care fees in advance since the raptees won't be around to pay up later.

 

[lovecraft68]

Dig deep into those pockets people, it's a good cause. Especially if you think you're going to be taken up and won't need the money anyway....

Full story here (and should there be no rapture and no need of this relief fund, all money will go to send kids to science camp ).

What bible are these idiots reading? Where do they get there is only five months after the rapture before God destroys the earth?

It's been a long time since I read Revelation but I believe that the antichrist has not come into power yet, we have not reached the one world government, one world religion and what these morons seem to be ignoring is that after the saved are called up into the rapture there is to be a huge battle that will end with Jesus descending from heaven where he will vanquish the anti christ and false prophet and then rule the world for the 1,000 year peace.

Jesus will then loose the devil upon the world one more time and then there will be judgement day. Sounds like a lot more than five months. I mean Jeez get it right.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

What bible are these idiots reading? Where do they get there is only five months after the rapture before God destroys the earth?

It's been a long time since I read Revelation but I believe that the antichrist has not come into power yet, we have not reached the one world government, one world religion and what these morons seem to be ignoring is that after the saved are called up into the rapture there is to be a huge battle that will end with Jesus descending from heaven where he will vanquish the anti christ and false prophet and then rule the world for the 1,000 year peace.

Jesus will then loose the devil upon the world one more time and then there will be judgement day. Sounds like a lot more than five months. I mean Jeez get it right.

Then there's even more time to enjoy ourselves! Hoorah!

 

[lovecraft68]

Then there's even more time to enjoy ourselves! Hoorah!

I don't know that 1,000 year peace thing sounds a little boring. However if i read between the lines correctly there may be no more death which means we get to live that entire time. We can be immortal peaceful happy folks. Another words we will turn into Anne Rices pathetically wimpy vampires.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I don't know that 1,000 year peace thing sounds a little boring. However if i read between the lines correctly there may be no more death which means we get to live that entire time. We can be immortal peaceful happy folks. Another words we will turn into Anne Rices pathetically wimpy vampires.

Whoa! That would be one hell of a punishment! Even Sartre's No Exit would be preferable to that. Maybe we could go a bit more towards the Bram Stoker vampires...

 

[estragon]

As a Christian, I am prevented from calling this end-of-the-world nonsense what it really is, namely and to wit, bullshit. These dudes obviously think the Bible is a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. They should try Mark 13:32 ff: “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. 33 Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. 34 It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

35 “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. 36 If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. 37 What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’”

The point is that no one knows...so instead of trying to figure it out, live your life as you should and do the right thing.

 

[lovecraft68]

As a Christian, I am prevented from calling this end-of-the-world nonsense what it really is, namely and to wit, bullshit. These dudes obviously think the Bible is a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. They should try Mark 13:32 ff: “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. 33 Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. 34 It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

35 “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. 36 If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. 37 What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’”

The point is that no one knows...so instead of trying to figure it out, live your life as you should and do the right thing.

That's the spirit! Live without regret, live each day like it's your last, practice indulgence over abstinence! Oh sorry that last part is from the Satanic Bible not the Chritian one. My bad.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

That's the spirit! Live without regret, live each day like it's your last, practice indulgence over abstinence! Oh sorry that last part is from the Satanic Bible not the Chritian one. My bad.

from the Ballad of Sam Hall

"...
And now in Heaven I dwell;
Holy Christ! It's a cell!
All the whores are down in Hell,
Goddamn your eyes."

 

[estragon]

Tio, It's been years since I heard about good old Sam Hall. There must be a dozen versions of the verse you quoted. I seem to remember something about "Isn't that a bloody sell". But the whores were in Hell, that's for sure; hopefully not some poor person who trades sex for money or drugs, but those who use political or economic power to exploit others. Maybe IMF stands for "I'm Mightily Fucked".

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

I was hoping the churches around me would believe in this. We can see three from our house, and two are what I consider crazy churches (the type that won't let their kids trick-or-treat, that put some sort of heaven and hell theater production on each summer that subjects the neighborhood to loud screaming, etc).

Sadly, I don't think they're buying this rapture thing. Their signs still have the same old drivel. I really wanted to sit around with some popcorn on Saturday evening and watch their dejected faces as they filed back to the parking lots.

Oh well. I guess we'll just continue to mow our lawn during their Wednesday services.

 

[R. Richard]

The Earth CAN'T come to an end in October 2011.

21 December 2012 is regarded as the end-date of a 5,125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. THAT'S when the Earth comes to an end. You can't argue with science. (Hell, they even have a movie about it.)

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The Earth CAN'T come to an end in October 2011.

21 December 2012 is regarded as the end-date of a 5,125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. THAT'S when the Earth comes to an end. You can't argue with science. (Hell, they even have a movie about it.)

The movie had it all wrong. The last "Sun" was the Sun of water; the one ending now is "ollin" - the Sun of Motion. It's supposed to end with earthquakes. And it isn't the end of the world in Mayan cosmology, just the end of the long count. It's time for another world to get started. (And the rapture business is just to get those fundamentalists Christians out of the "New" World so we can have it back.

 

[3113]

What bible are these idiots reading? Where do they get there is only five months after the rapture before God destroys the earth?

We are talking about god here, lovecraft. If he decided not to go for the big, Jesus vs. the Beast production number (it does sound like a lot of work, for not much of a pay-off, doesn't it?) and just do a quick rapture and five month clean-up, well, that's his prerogative isn't it?

Though one might wonder why he's going to take five months to wrap it all up. I mean, he made the universe and the world in seven days. He should be able to perform a rapture and toss the planet into the trash on the same day. Why wait?

 

[3113]

The Earth CAN'T come to an end in October 2011.

21 December 2012 is regarded as the end-date of a 5,125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. THAT'S when the Earth comes to an end. You can't argue with science. (Hell, they even have a movie about it.)

Oh, dear. That is a very good point, RR. Maybe there'll be some sort of throw-down between the Christian god and the Mayan gods over when the Earth can end?

 

[PennLady]

The Earth CAN'T come to an end in October 2011.

21 December 2012 is regarded as the end-date of a 5,125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. THAT'S when the Earth comes to an end. You can't argue with science. (Hell, they even have a movie about it.)

Yes, and they were smart enough to release the movie last year. Presumably next year people would be too busy preparing/despairing and not interested in attending movies. Even John Cusack movies.

 

[PennLady]

This link is for a chat at the Washington Post with a professor of Christian history, and he discusses the rapture stuff.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

This link is for a chat at the Washington Post with a professor of Christian history, and he discusses the rapture stuff.

He's got it pretty well. "Rapture-ist" thinking is based on a very subjective interpretation of a very obscure passage in the Book of Daniel. The deal with Fundamentalist groups in general and Millennialist's in particular is that they are obsessed with the law-based Old Testament when Jesus clearly said "This is my blood of a New Covenant." God changed the rules for the New Era but there's always ten percent that doesn't get the word . . .

 

[3113]

Oh well. I guess we'll just continue to mow our lawn during their Wednesday services.

No, no, no, dear Tat! You must do better than that! Set up the lawn mower out on the lawn just before Sunday morning with the lawn half-mown but seeming to have been interrupted; shirt, trousers, underwear hanging from it or next to it as if someone was taken up out of those clothes, and the house, of course, dark and closed up.

Make sure it's visible to everyone on their way to church that Sunday

 

[voluptuary_manque]

3, you have a evil sense of humor!

 

[sr71plt]

I'm game for a bit of rapture on the 21nd.

 

[lovecraft68]

We are talking about god here, lovecraft. If he decided not to go for the big, Jesus vs. the Beast production number (it does sound like a lot of work, for not much of a pay-off, doesn't it?) and just do a quick rapture and five month clean-up, well, that's his prerogative isn't it?

Though one might wonder why he's going to take five months to wrap it all up. I mean, he made the universe and the world in seven days. He should be able to perform a rapture and toss the planet into the trash on the same day. Why wait?

Of course we are talking about God and the bible is supposed to be his word (although interpreted by man so who knows) and the things I mentioned are from Revelation. he is going to come back, clean this dump up one more time and give us sad souls a glimpse of paradise spoil us. Then loose the devil upon us again to see who is truly worthy of his reward and toss the rest of us in the good old lake of fire.

Going back to estragon and Matthew no man will know the day so these fruitcakes should stop trying.

For the record as hard as this is to believe my parents are hardcore United Pentecostal Bible thumpers (this apple did not fall from the tree it came from another orchard) I mean my mom does not cut her hair, wear make-up or wear pants.

They are bible to the letter and they believe in the rapture and I was raised on fire and brimstone homo's are going to hell along with all the other sinners unlike Catholicism or any other major religion they have never watered their doctrine down to get the green like everyone else and they never claim to know the day.

I just don;t see thousands of years of biblical history going up in smoke in five months. God is going to rule the earth and marry his bride (the one true church) and etc... etc...

My only question is for my own personal writing tastes is he going to bring back incest? You know how the world was originally populated?

 

[sr71plt]

My only question is for my own personal writing tastes is he going to bring back incest? You know how the world was originally populated?

What I've heard is that he's going to bring back nonconsent and tighten the punishments for incest.