Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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- Oct 18, 2009
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- 24,514
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
> The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
>
>
> There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
>
>
> "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
>
> 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
>
>
> She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way down while watching her plane crash in the distance, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
> ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
>
>
> "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
>
> I love these touching stories!
>
>
>
>
> There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
>
>
> "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
>
> 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
>
>
> She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way down while watching her plane crash in the distance, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
> ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
>
>
> "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
>
> I love these touching stories!
>
>
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,929
Cowboy's Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,929
Texas Heat
Dear Diary
Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks.. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left t his morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr.. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. how did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when s at on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.. It's been too hot to do Shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out
of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Dear Diary
Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks.. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left t his morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr.. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. how did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when s at on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.. It's been too hot to do Shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out
of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,929
The Lone Ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
G R E A T .....................LMAO
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
The 1st Donald Trump Political Joke of 2011
A private Leer jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
A private Leer jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
jeff_is_smiling
Mentally Controlling
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2002
- Posts
- 110,459
So, I wrote this joke in joke thread...and naturally killed that thread completely. Thinking that is SURELY could not be my joke, I will test that thought by writing the joke in THIS thread. If this thread also implodes due to the joke, I'll apologize now...
=================
A man and his wife were having fairly lusty sex in the bedroom, when all of a sudden the door opens and they are being stared at by their 13 year old teenage son. He is looking at them with wide, wild eyes and starts to scream.
The dad turns and laughs, then says, "Son....Son....relax...just laugh it off....it isn't anything..."
But the boy simply turns around and slams the door and screams down the hallway to his bedroom.
The husband and wife start talking about the incident at that point - the wife wants the dad to talk to the son, while the dad wants to continue what they were doing. Back and forth they go at it until, maybe 15 minutes later, the wife convinces the dad to get dressed and go down to talk to their son.
The dad walks down the hallway, only as he approcahes the door, he hears grunting noises coming from his son's room. He throws the door open, and is startled to see his son naked on top of an older woman in bed.
The dad looks with wide, wild eyes and starts to scream. The son turns to him and says,
"See dad? It isn't as funny when it's YOUR mom!"
=================
A man and his wife were having fairly lusty sex in the bedroom, when all of a sudden the door opens and they are being stared at by their 13 year old teenage son. He is looking at them with wide, wild eyes and starts to scream.
The dad turns and laughs, then says, "Son....Son....relax...just laugh it off....it isn't anything..."
But the boy simply turns around and slams the door and screams down the hallway to his bedroom.
The husband and wife start talking about the incident at that point - the wife wants the dad to talk to the son, while the dad wants to continue what they were doing. Back and forth they go at it until, maybe 15 minutes later, the wife convinces the dad to get dressed and go down to talk to their son.
The dad walks down the hallway, only as he approcahes the door, he hears grunting noises coming from his son's room. He throws the door open, and is startled to see his son naked on top of an older woman in bed.
The dad looks with wide, wild eyes and starts to scream. The son turns to him and says,
"See dad? It isn't as funny when it's YOUR mom!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE JUST TRUE. WHAT CAN YOU SAY?
Before and after sex....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
Before and after sex....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Hi {{{{Jeff}}}}
No need to apologize. It got a smile out of me. Hope you have a great weekend.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good evening {{{{{smooth}}}}}
That is great! It says it all. Have a marvelous weekend.
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it’s
possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he
lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real
thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him
to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he
lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real
thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him
to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
AbsintheFather
Passing some time
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2009
- Posts
- 42,571
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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MikeCasanova
Picked.
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- Oct 7, 2008
- Posts
- 11,394
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"
...... Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
******Longer Pause******
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"
...... Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
******Longer Pause******
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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- Posts
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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- Status
