My wife is a sub - I need advice

[McNoob]

Hopefully some of you have had similar experiences to me, and so can offer some advice/guidance.

My wife and I have had some tough times of late, and during this she has realised that she wants to explore her submissive desires. We have talked about this a little, but she is way ahead of me in knowing what she wants.

I have started reading The Loving Dominant, and while some of it isn't for me - I definitely want to keep all my fingers for instance , there are also some aspects I find really exciting.

I think the most interesting aspect for me is the idea of her giving over so much trust to me, and asking me to take complete control of her physical and emotional state. I can only imagine how highly charged an experience awaits us if we manage to achieve that.

So, here is my problem. I know she doesn't perceive me as the dominant type at all, and I think she will struggle to believe that I really want this, rather than just pretending that I do to try and save our marriage. How can I let her know that I genuinely want to go on this journey with her?

Should I change the way I act around her in our normal day to day, or would this just make things awkward. My instinct is to give her time and space and allow her to come to me when she trusts me more, but I am worried of appearing disinterested or hesitant.

And the worst thing of course is that all the uncertainty and doubt I am feeling is exactly the opposite of the confidence and control I want to show her.

I appear to have rambled a fair bit, but I cannot be the first person to go through this, so hopefully someone has some sage advice for me

 

[Chiara_searches]

There are smarter people than I on the boards. And the "newbie" label applies to me. The things I would suggest are these:

communicate, communicate and then communicate.

The good thing is that it sounds like communication is working at least decently between you in that she was able to express her desires. So isn't the corollary possible: that you can express your new found desires?

Others, I'm sure, may suggest how to put your desires into action. But I will also say that you have to expect a learning curve. Despite the attempt at a "one-size-fits-all" label, you and your wife have to define your own dynamic. There's no real manual, at least not that I've found, for the pyl** people like me. I think there isn't a manual for PYL*** people like you.

For me, reading various things allowed me to sort out the "yes, that works in my mind, no that does not" question before exploring these desires any further. It sounds like you are on the right track. Good luck.

**pick your own label (submissive, slave, bottom)
***Pick Your Own Label (dominant, master, owner, top)

 

[PrettyProse]

I'm new to the BDSM world and never got to explore my desires when I was with my husband so it's very good that you're willing to be there for your wife. Since she's expressed her interest, don't make her anticipate what you'll do much longer! I'm sure she's dying to have you take her like she's been dreaming. Perhaps, if you think she will be alright with it, surprise her one night. But definitely communicate with her. Start slow. Maybe light bondage or restraint with your hands, light biting and spanks. Show her that you're willing to go all out for her. Then afterwards, ask her if she liked it and ask her what she'd enjoy for you to do.

Good luck! I wish you well in your endeavors. Your wife is a very lucky lady to have such an understanding husband.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Tell her exactly what you've put in this post. Tell her that you've been reading, and that you *do* want this, but understand that it may take time for her to view you differently.

And then go from there.

 

[ImOnIt]

there are also some aspects I find really exciting... I can only imagine how highly charged an experience

Great, you are in a better position than most!

I think the most interesting aspect for me is the idea of her giving over so much trust to me, and asking me to take complete control of her physical and emotional state.

It is just as submissive to keep accounts and do taxes for you as to <insert fantasy here>. Whatever you do will vary of course.

How can I let her know that I genuinely want to go on this journey with her?

I am worried of appearing disinterested or hesitant.
And the worst thing of course is that all the uncertainty and doubt I am feeling is exactly the opposite of the confidence and control I want to show her.

If you have ideas, then act on them.

I appear to have rambled a fair bit, but I cannot be the first person to go through this

You seem to have a firm grip on things!

 

[Etoile]

What's this about losing fingers?!

 

[McNoob]

What's this about losing fingers?!

Oh, it's a reference to The Loving Dominant. The author says that if a sub tells him they are willing to try anything he responds with "Great, I've always wanted to find someone who would let me cut off some fingers."

I was just trying to illustrate that I have thought about it long enough to know that I won't want to do everything she wants to do and vice versa. We will need to establish some common ground before starting to explore.

 

[McNoob]

Thanks for all the advice and support, both on this thread and on PMs.

This seems like a really great community, and I am lucky to be here, as I have so much to learn, but I am sure everything I am going through has been gone through many times before, and I am really surprised how willing people are to offer help.

I now have lots of ideas to stimulate my learning, and a much better idea of what I need to do next. There will be missteps for sure, but when the time comes, I will have her begging me to let her be my sub

 

[Primalex]

Well, I don't believe that you can learn dominance, but good luck anyway.

 

[McNoob]

Well, I don't believe that you can learn dominance, but good luck anyway.

Perhaps not, but nor is it possible that I know everything at this stage or that I cannot learn and improve.

Feel free to trust your life to a flip of a coin though.

 

[Etoile]

Whether or not one can learn to "be dominant" without feeling it innately is certainly a worthy question. At some point it would just be acting.

However, I firmly believe one can, through learning and reading, become aware of one's dominant tendencies already present. Society teaches us that this kind of thing is wrong, and sometimes we just don't know what we like sexually. This can be a journey of discovery.

 

[subwannabe]

I think you realized the problem and the solution in your first post. And the worst thing of course is that all the uncertainty and doubt I am feeling is exactly the opposite of the confidence and control I want to show her.

 

[McNoob]

I think you realized the problem and the solution in your first post. And the worst thing of course is that all the uncertainty and doubt I am feeling is exactly the opposite of the confidence and control I want to show her.

Indeed.

But at the same time it would be very easy to project confidence, and be who I think she wants me to be. I assume she would see through that in a second, but even if she didn't it wouldn't last in the long term.

So I am trying to learn what it is I like, and how to embrace those parts that she finds most appealing. I have absolute certainty that we are capable of a successful D/s relationship. It is less certain that it actually will happen though. Which is of course why I am here.

 

[subwannabe]

Good luck. I am kind of in a similar situation but in reverse. I would like to be dominated more by my wife but I'm not sure how much her heart is really into it. She tries from time to time and sometimes does o.k. but that's about as far as it goes. I don't think she's very interested in the nuts and bolts of it all and is as eager to learn as you are. Therefore, I think you will have better success than I will ever be able to claim.

I do have one bit of advice for you though. Since you can't read her mind and communication can actually ruin the experience somewhat if she feels she has to explain everything to you I offer this:

Dominate her, tie her up, and tease her mercilessly keeping her on the edge of cumming. Then demand that she tell you some of the specific things that turns her on. When she acts like she has told you everything, tease her some more and get the rest out. She will have been holding some things back. Instead of feeling like she has to tell you how to dominate her when she feels she shouldn't have to, she will love the fact that you "forced" her to tell you.

 

[Skorpion49]

Id

McNoob, get in touch with your Freudian id. You are a guy, it seems, and you are supposed to be sex mad. You are not supposed to be thinking how you should please her - you must think how she can please you. You are a lucky man to be in this sort of relationship. Find a safe word and then do with her as you please. It is now your right to dominate her as YOU wish, unless she utters the word. Otherwise, you are just doing what she wants. Again. And who is the sub then?

 

[ImOnIt]

McNoob, get in touch with your Freudian id. You are a guy, it seems, and you are supposed to be sex mad. You are not supposed to be thinking how you should please her - you must think how she can please you. You are a lucky man to be in this sort of relationship. Find a safe word and then do with her as you please. It is now your right to dominate her as YOU wish, unless she utters the word. Otherwise, you are just doing what she wants. Again. And who is the sub then?

In addition to sex I'm interested in my studies, housing, hobbies, artwork, friends, relationships, long term prospects, money, social status, free time, peace, and health.

Would it not be simpler for our hero to change the word he uses to describe himself than to change his philosophy and behaviour within his relationship?

 

[roomfor1more]

We are in a similar situation but there is no risk to our marriage if the interest is not held. My situation, we have kept it in the bedroom and not taken it into our daily lives. I do not know if we will ever taken that step or if it will remain just a bedroom activity. The advice I would give is to take it slow and move as fast as you are comfortable. At least from my experience, I would have to say my partner appears to be more confident and it seems there is more trust since we have explored this aspect?

 

[McNoob]

McNoob, get in touch with your Freudian id. You are a guy, it seems, and you are supposed to be sex mad. You are not supposed to be thinking how you should please her - you must think how she can please you. You are a lucky man to be in this sort of relationship. Find a safe word and then do with her as you please. It is now your right to dominate her as YOU wish, unless she utters the word. Otherwise, you are just doing what she wants. Again. And who is the sub then?

Funnily enough I nearly explicitly made the point about not just doing what she wanted as that would make me the real sub, but hoped that my post already made that clear.

As for your other point, that is one I am interested to hear other opinions on.

I get off on giving pleasure, but I don't see that as inconsistent with being dom, whereas from what you said, I guess you do. What appeals to me is being in charge of the action, and pushing the boundaries of comfort far enough that she is at the same time wanting me to stop but desperate for more. I guess what I am saying is that I am looking for a psychological response more than a physical. I am sure my tastes and desires will change over time, but for now that is what excites me about this scene. It doesn't excite me to think about whipping her. But to watch her face as she absorbs the pain, and then looks up at me with a mixture of fear and longing, that pushes all my buttons.

One thing I am clear on at the moment us that I am not sadistic. While I am sure for some people that would be a dealbreaker, I don't think it rules me out of being dom does it?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Funnily enough I nearly explicitly made the point about not just doing what she wanted as that would make me the real sub, but hoped that my post already made that clear.

As for your other point, that is one I am interested to hear other opinions on.

I get off on giving pleasure, but I don't see that as inconsistent with being dom, whereas from what you said, I guess you do. What appeals to me is being in charge of the action, and pushing the boundaries of comfort far enough that she is at the same time wanting me to stop but desperate for more. I guess what I am saying is that I am looking for a psychological response more than a physical. I am sure my tastes and desires will change over time, but for now that is what excites me about this scene. It doesn't excite me to think about whipping her. But to watch her face as she absorbs the pain, and then looks up at me with a mixture of fear and longing, that pushes all my buttons.

One thing I am clear on at the moment us that I am not sadistic. While I am sure for some people that would be a dealbreaker, I don't think it rules me out of being dom does it?

No, it doesn´t rule you out at all and as long as you find common ground and are both happy in the relationship, I don´t think you have to worry very much about what others would think about your brand of D/s.

 

[Chiara_searches]

No, it doesn´t rule you out at all and as long as you find common ground and are both happy in the relationship, I don´t think you have to worry very much about what others would think about your brand of D/s.

I agree with IA. I don't know much about the technicalities of everything; but one thing I was taught early on (and simply taught through discussion only with a friend) is that BDSM is not a one size fits all kind of thing. Define your own paradigm. If, as you explore what's in your mind as a PYL, you find that those things really are something you want, don't let others here tell you "you don't have it in you" or that "you are doing it wrong." You won't know what's actually right or wrong until you act upon it; and only you and your wife can define what is right and wrong.

 

[Dimitri81]

Dear comrade.

In a relationship you must respect one another. You have to respect that she is sub but she must also respect that you are not the dominant type in bed.
We two are well brought home to know that you have to respect women and be kind to all people. And spcielt those you love.

My advice to you is that you and your wife have talked everything through and make an agreement between you about what you can and what you can and then agree to it is just something to do every other weekend.

If your sex life does not work so it's hard to get the relationship to work. So find a compromises with each other. That is probably the best answer.

My boyfriend and I also had a problem in bed so we agreed to have a more open relationship so we could get our fantasies fulfilled.

- Dimitri

 

[McNoob]

So, after reading plenty of advice on this forum, I finally took the leap last night. I kept things simple, and relatively tame, but I am happy to report that it went really well.

I still have a ton to learn, but that is obvious. The good news is that I am now even more keen to learn, as at when we were both in the zone the feeling was electric. I can't wait to have the skills and experience to harness that, and build a much more highly charged experience.

I would like to thank everyone in this forum who has offered support and advice. I couldn't have for it without you. It's certainly the most fun I have had with my clothes on!

We are going to have a chat tonight, to see what we liked, and what we can do even better next time. I am going to try my best to take things slow, but I can't wait! Now that I have had a taste, I want more, more, more.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

So, after reading plenty of advice on this forum, I finally took the leap last night. I kept things simple, and relatively tame, but I am happy to report that it went really well.

I still have a ton to learn, but that is obvious. The good news is that I am now even more keen to learn, as at when we were both in the zone the feeling was electric. I can't wait to have the skills and experience to harness that, and build a much more highly charged experience.

I would like to thank everyone in this forum who has offered support and advice. I couldn't have for it without you. It's certainly the most fun I have had with my clothes on!

We are going to have a chat tonight, to see what we liked, and what we can do even better next time. I am going to try my best to take things slow, but I can't wait! Now that I have had a taste, I want more, more, more.

Yay

 

[IrisAlthea]

So, after reading plenty of advice on this forum, I finally took the leap last night. I kept things simple, and relatively tame, but I am happy to report that it went really well.

I still have a ton to learn, but that is obvious. The good news is that I am now even more keen to learn, as at when we were both in the zone the feeling was electric. I can't wait to have the skills and experience to harness that, and build a much more highly charged experience.

I would like to thank everyone in this forum who has offered support and advice. I couldn't have for it without you. It's certainly the most fun I have had with my clothes on!

We are going to have a chat tonight, to see what we liked, and what we can do even better next time. I am going to try my best to take things slow, but I can't wait! Now that I have had a taste, I want more, more, more.

That´s great!

 

[Chiara_searches]

So, after reading plenty of advice on this forum, I finally took the leap last night. I kept things simple, and relatively tame, but I am happy to report that it went really well.

I still have a ton to learn, but that is obvious. The good news is that I am now even more keen to learn, as at when we were both in the zone the feeling was electric. I can't wait to have the skills and experience to harness that, and build a much more highly charged experience.

I would like to thank everyone in this forum who has offered support and advice. I couldn't have for it without you. It's certainly the most fun I have had with my clothes on!

We are going to have a chat tonight, to see what we liked, and what we can do even better next time. I am going to try my best to take things slow, but I can't wait! Now that I have had a taste, I want more, more, more.

This is great. Keep going the direction you are because it sounds like you have your head on straight. Good luck with it all.