Hoping for feedback

[MasterDsPet]

MasterDsPet here and I recently posted this femdom/reluctant story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/from-friend-to-master

I would really appreciate feedback, particularly if you tickled by this fetish. Even if you are not I would be interested in style comments, or, in fact, any helpful criticism at all.

It is, of course, the first installment of a longer piece (I've done the roughs on the next two parts and am chipping away at the next).

Thanks in advance!

 

[PennLady]

MasterDsPet here and I recently posted this femdom/reluctant story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/from-friend-to-master

I would really appreciate feedback, particularly if you tickled by this fetish. Even if you are not I would be interested in style comments, or, in fact, any helpful criticism at all.

It is, of course, the first installment of a longer piece (I've done the roughs on the next two parts and am chipping away at the next).

Thanks in advance!

I just looked this over. The content did nothing for me -- I don't like humiliation, reluctance, etc. -- but the writing was okay. You made some mistakes like "throws" when you meant "throes" (throes of passion), and mixed up me and my quite a bit. (She asked several times "Do you like me feet?") I also wasn't sure, not that it entirely matters, how old they were. I got the impression they were maybe in their 20s sometimes, but then you mentioned he had gray in his hair and made it sound like he's was closer to his 40s or more.

I can't speak to the accuracy of what went on between them, not being much of a D/s person, like I said, nor non-con. Someone else will know, I'm sure.

 

[MasterDsPet]

I just looked this over. The content did nothing for me -- I don't like humiliation, reluctance, etc. -- but the writing was okay. You made some mistakes like "throws" when you meant "throes" (throes of passion), and mixed up me and my quite a bit. (She asked several times "Do you like me feet?") I also wasn't sure, not that it entirely matters, how old they were. I got the impression they were maybe in their 20s sometimes, but then you mentioned he had gray in his hair and made it sound like he's was closer to his 40s or more.

I can't speak to the accuracy of what went on between them, not being much of a D/s person, like I said, nor non-con. Someone else will know, I'm sure.

Thanks PennLady. Guess I need a copy editor!

I find your remark on their ages interesting, I didn't realize it but I think I may have been going for a subversion of the typical midlife crisis affair—I'll take your remark to heart in the next revision.

As for the repetition of "Do you like me feet? (sic— as in I'm sic not you!)"—I was going for a reluctance/resistance/submission/conquest progression. I take it I've got to find a way to make the passage more effective—anyone got any ideas on this? (A passage from a story that does this and works would be very much appreciated.)

As for the nature of the fetish I make no apologies, but I do thank you for fighting through a piece that wouldn't, by its very nature, float your boat. Très galant!

 

[PennLady]

Thanks PennLady. Guess I need a copy editor!

I find your remark on their ages interesting, I didn't realize it but I think I may have been going for a subversion of the typical midlife crisis affair—I'll take your remark to heart in the next revision.

As for the repetition of "Do you like me feet? (sic— as in I'm sic not you!)"—I was going for a reluctance/resistance/submission/conquest progression. I take it I've got to find a way to make the passage more effective—anyone got any ideas on this? (A passage from a story that does this and works would be very much appreciated.)

As for the nature of the fetish I make no apologies, but I do thank you for fighting through a piece that wouldn't, by its very nature, float your boat. Très galant!

You're welcome. I don't mind reading/editing things I don't normally read, but you know, there are things I just don't care for. But no reason it can't all be grammatically (and otherwise) correct.

I did get the purpose of the repetition. My problem with "Do you like me feet?" was that "me" should have been "my," unless they're British or something. Still, "my" seemed more appropriate. They seemed like people who would speak properly.

 

[estragon]

Quibbles, Part I

MasterD, I sent you my first batch of quibbles through the "Feedback" link. I only got through part of the first page, so if you want more, please let me know.

 

[MasterDsPet]

MasterD, I sent you my first batch of quibbles through the "Feedback" link. I only got through part of the first page, so if you want more, please let me know.

estragon-- you've got some exceptional copy editing skills.

I'm willing if you're willing!

I emailed a reply-- I hope this is acceptable.

 

[estragon]

Yes I Do

have good copyediting skills- if I didn't, I wouldn't inflict garbage on writers who are seriously trying to tell a good story. There is enough trollish behavior on the Internet without my adding to it.

And this is a general statement, not aimed at the OP, but as I have the floor: I wouldn't waste my time copyediting junk. To quote a recent unsuccessful candidate for public office, a pig wearing lipstick is still a pig. I write my own junk for publication on Lit, thank you very much; and I write a damned good tax blog as well, if I say so myself, covering current decisions in the United States Tax Court. And I still have what's left of a law practice to occupy my spare time. And in my idle moments I post here at AH and Story Discussions, trying to machinegun the trolls and otherwise brighten the corner where I am.

So if I quibble, it's because I think the writer has talent, has a good idea and concept, and just needs a wee brushing up. And if the writer doesn't want my advice, I'm down with that, and in the immortal words of Brendan Behan, a soldier's farewell to one and all.

PS- Read "Borstal Boy", and you'll find out what a soldier's farewell is, along with a lot of other interesting information.

PPS- As for machinegunning trolls, I checked out on the M-60 many years ago, all expenses paid by the United States taxpayer, in a South East Asian country that now manufactures my dress shirts.

 

[MasterDsPet]

have good copyediting skills- if I didn't, I wouldn't inflict garbage on writers who are seriously trying to tell a good story. There is enough trollish behavior on the Internet without my adding to it.

And this is a general statement, not aimed at the OP, but as I have the floor: I wouldn't waste my time copyediting junk. To quote a recent unsuccessful candidate for public office, a pig wearing lipstick is still a pig. I write my own junk for publication on Lit, thank you very much; and I write a damned good tax blog as well, if I say so myself, covering current decisions in the United States Tax Court. And I still have what's left of a law practice to occupy my spare time. And in my idle moments I post here at AH and Story Discussions, trying to machinegun the trolls and otherwise brighten the corner where I am.

So if I quibble, it's because I think the writer has talent, has a good idea and concept, and just needs a wee brushing up. And if the writer doesn't want my advice, I'm down with that, and in the immortal words of Brendan Behan, a soldier's farewell to one and all.

PS- Read "Borstal Boy", and you'll find out what a soldier's farewell is, along with a lot of other interesting information.

PPS- As for machinegunning trolls, I checked out on the M-60 many years ago, all expenses paid by the United States taxpayer, in a South East Asian country that now manufactures my dress shirts.

I do appreciate your feedback Estragon. Don't stop being curmudgeonly, hell it's part of your charm! I'm thinking of a new character, a sort of patron saint of the curmudgeonly, if you will, and your comments have given me plenty of fodder to explore.

I'll check out your recommendation "Borstal Boy" and leave the troll trimming to you.