Something is wrong with my story, Help!

[Kitkat103]

Okay I started this story back in December based on some high school memories and a nightmare. There is something about this that throws me off a bit. Before I insert the smut and move this story out of my idea I would like to receive some pointers. Thank you all, I know how this forum does not get as much traffic as the others

___________________________________________________________________Okay so my best friend Isabella and I were applying for colleges when Brazil Loft was coming out with their final album. We were applying a semester late so we had to work at the local Klimpy's until we were accepted. Anyway for the promotion of the album our local radio station TROX 92.4 was having a contest. The 92nd caller would win VIP tickets to the concert and the chance to spend the day with Dartanian Thoreau, the lead singer of Brazil Loft. For a week after we ducked out of work early,
Isabella and I were glued to her comforter. We waited for the top of every hour so we could phone in and be the 92nd caller. Unfortunately we were greeted with the busy signal.
“Maryn this ain't gonna happen. I don't see us getting through anytime soon.” Isabella said to me as she slammed the phone on the receiver.
“It just has to, I can't lose. We just keep calling and see what happens. Besides what the hell else are we going to do?” I said
“Oh I don't know, WORK!” Isabella shouted. I rolled my eyes and grabbed her cellphone. Isabella snatched it out of my hand and walked towards her dresser.
“ You are not going to call that radio station with my cell phone. I don't have enough minutes for your bullshit. I'm sick of this Maryn we are not going to win, lets cut our losses and wait for the new album to come out. We rush home every day and are slaves to the phone, I can't even take off this fucking uniform before I spend hours in bed with you waiting to call in.” Isabella pulled her sweater over her head and let it rest on the dresser top. She unbuttoned the side of her skirt and let it drop to the floor. She stepped out of the pile and then slowly removed her knee highs. Each slow removal revealed her toned caramel legs. Isabella quickly peeled off her black bikini underwear and matching bra.

All the while she was still yelling at me for wasting our time I could not look away as she stood there nude, her beauty on display. Isabella sensed that I was staring and looked back at me. Her eyes fixed on mine for what seemed like forever; I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and my chest. Luckily with my skin tone I did not redden but I am sure that Isabella knew that I was pleased with what I saw.
Her cheeks brightened and she turned around. She opened one of the drawers and grabbed a towel.
“I'm gonna take a shower, when I come out you better not be on the fucking phone.” Isabelle headed towards her bathroom and slammed the door.

I continued to make phone calls to the station despite what Isabella said. I was going to see my favorite band and meet Dartanian. Expecting to hear the busy signal I was shocked to hear the phone ring.
“92.4 T-ROX New York's #1 Rock Music Source. DJ R-O-D here,” I paused, I did not know what to say.
“Hello, anyone there?” The DJ said,as he played the sound effect of a gong.
“Yes, YES I am here. Am I the 92nd caller?” I finally mustered into the phone.
“ No, we just put you through because we have nothing to do. OF COURSE YOU ARE THE WINNER sweetie, what’s your name?” I froze, I finally won I finally fucking won my dream.
“Maryn, Oh my God I won, WHOOOO!” I shouted, so happy I started jumping on the bed.
“Maryn, that sounds hot. Stay on the line and I will give you the instructions on how to claim your prize.” DJ Rod said and placed me on hold. He transferred me to another number and an intern gave me directions to the studio.

 

[JackJJM]

(woops)

 

[JackJJM]

1. Too little punctuation. It sounds like the story is being told by someone on speed. Use commas.

2. The reader doesn't know at first that the phone is right beside the bed. Consequently the phrase "Isabella and I were glued to her comforter" is confusing.

3. Actually, this whole sentence:

For a week after we ducked out of work early, Isabella and I were glued to her comforter.

is confusing and doesn't make sense.

4. Isabella seems to get angry completely out of the blue. Before she gets mad, you keep saying WE were glued to her comforter, WE listened to the radio. It makes it sound like Isabella is just as interested in it as Maryn. You should drop some hints that she's getting angry or before she just explodes like that.

5. Why does Isabella randomly get undressed? Friends aren't usually comfortable stripping off together, let alone when they're angry. And the way Maryn reacts implies specifically that they're NOT comfortable with it or don't normally do it, so why is Isabella doing it all of a sudden?

6. "I continued to make phone calls to the station despite what Isabella said." Is this happening during Isabella's shower? If not, say so. And if so, I thought you had to call on the hour or something ("We waited for the top of every hour so we could phone in...") -- is she taking an hour long shower?

And in general I feel like the narrative is kind of rushing past way too quickly. Consequently, I don't feel very immersed in it because I don't know anything about the setting or the characters, and a lot of the time I don't have a clear idea of what's going on because it hasn't been described in enough detail (see points 3 and 5). Take your time telling the story.

 

[sr71plt]

It's basically fine for an opening for what is probably a good-sized audience on Literotica. As JackJMM posts, it needs a lot more commas--although I think the sort of breathy, "ya know?" voice you have here is fine for the audience that would be interested in this. The paragraphs also need to be separated with an extra line feed.

I liked the "glued to her comforter" image, but JackJMM is right that it doesn't deliver well enough when you don't position it within reach of a telephone, which is the point to them being glued to a spot.

"Each slow removal" can't reveal her "toned caramel legs." They aren't equally revealed at each removal. This is a good image, but it's underbaked. Should be "Each slow removal revealed a more luscious stretch of her toned caramel legs"--or something to that effect.

It looks like a fine setup. It won't be erotica, of course, until the two girls are showing more interest in each other than in their vapid world.

And the mention of "girls" brings up another problem. Because these difinitely are girls, not women. These days, if one is going to college, she is applying before she reaches 18. So, the attempt to make them as "of age" for me, the reader, doesn't work here--obviously so since they are written with a fourteen-year-old mind-set.

 

[PennLady]

As the previous poster says, it moves way too fast. It also doesn't quite make sense, or at least some questions are there.

Why are they late in applying to college? What got in the way? Do they have to be late in the first place? Is that important?

Then you write -- in the same graph -- "Anyway, for the promotion of..." It took me a couple of reads to figure out it was the Brazil Loft album, and what does this have to do with anything? If nothing else, it should be its own graph.

The "glued to the comforter" thing didn't work for me either. Maybe they "hid in her bedroom?" Something like that?

SR is right in that these girls do not seem like 18yos. They're acting younger and it gets on my nerves.

I think the basic problem is that you rushed it and didn't lay much foundation. I mean, all of a sudden Maryn is taken with Isabella? Has Maryn been suppressing feelings, perhaps b/c she didn't know what Isabella would say? Is she gay or bi or exploring? Does Isabella know about it?

If you're going for a stroke story, that's fine, but still, a little background on the characters would help out.

 

[sr71plt]

To be fair, the OP said sex wasn't put into it yet. Of course that's a problem with asking for advice on something not yet fully baked--the response will be that it's half baked.

For a story by/about fourteen years olds, I think the breathy pace is setting the proper mood, not being too fast. In that case, I think the problem is that the story is too young for Lit. requirements, not that it moves too fast. (That said, I think the age it reveals does mean it would have an audience here.)

 

[Kitkat103]

To be truthful this is something that I did when I was fifteen years old. I wrote down most of it in an old diary and found it when I was moving out of my childhood home. As I typed it I cut out a lot of filler.

Thank you guys for your help, these suggestions are very useful and I think I am going to create a new story from the old one so as to not creep anyone out about the age requirements.

By the way what is a stroke story?

 

[sr71plt]

By the way what is a stroke story?

A story focusing on the sex act with not much around it, so a reader can get a quick orgasm from it and click away.

 

[ilike2read82]

As others have said, it seems very rushed. Your story just starts in the middle with no preamble or character development. Who are these people and why should we care what happens? And also as previously mentioned, you need an editor to review for proper punctuation and sentence structure.

Also, here's a small detail that might be a problem for US readers. You seem to have set your story in NY, but in North America FM radio frequencies are incremented in odd fractions (e.g. 101.3, 101.5, etc) and in the US stations in the call letters for stations in the east are Wxxx and in the west Kxxx, so "TROX 92.4" doesn't work. My advice is to keep your stories close to home, or at least somewhere you know well. Don't try to target who you think might be the largest audience. I'm from the US but I've done quite a bit of travelling and interacting with people around the world, so I understand "British", "Australian", etc. and not just "American". Don't try to pretend to be someone you're not, and if you have a good story, your readers (as long as they are not idiots) will be happy to follow.