My first story

[watch_her_play]

New here - hi - and felt like posting a few segments of the first story I've written.

My interests are primarily in watching and/or participating in my girlfriend's sexual exploration. While we have a pretty healthy sex life together, we're often talking about involving other people and trying new things. What's easier than going out and doing it? Discussing it, using it to get each other going during sex and of course, writing about it!

Feedback would be nice... but go easy on me

Just to set the scene: a good friend who is in town visiting is staying over and is in the shower when my girlfriend shows up. She's obviously frisky and wants to play but having talked about her interest in him, I suggest she go surprise him...

*****



"I know you want to play with him."

She said nothing, just leaned into me again, biting my lip.

"Don't you?"

She nodded, looking up at me. "Fuck me" was written all over her face. I wanted her so badly, just to lay her down on the couch and climb on top. Getting caught in the act by a friend would be awkward. As much as I wanted it, I knew what was really on her mind. The look she gave me was unmistakable as 'I want both of you.'

The idea of her surprising him, beckoning him to offer his quickly-hardening cock to her to enjoy was driving me crazy. On the one hand, I wanted release, I wanted her. She kissed me again and I turned her to face the door, cupping her breasts in my hand, squeezing her nipples.

"Go get what you want, naughty girl" I whispered into her ear and with a spank, I sent her in the direction of the bathroom. She let out a little yelp as my hand hit her beautiful, round ass. It bounced as she stepped to the bathroom in her heels and I smiled. She turned her head to look back at me, returning the smile. She wouldn't turn back now, I knew she was ready to seize the moment.

I sat down on the couch, my head turned to face the door. I looked on with anticipation as the door closed.

* * *

The sounds got more and more promising as her moans increased. I heard what sounded like his hand giving her ass a firm slap. I wanted that to be what the sound was, imagining as I breathed deeply, that his hands were all over that plump ass of hers. I imagined both his hands kneading her ass cheeks, making them wobble as the tip of his erect cock rubbed her clit, moving closer to her pussy, closer to being swallowed with each push. I imagined him sucking her nipples as she tugged at his penis, ready for her to use.

Then came the unmistakable sound of their wet bodies slapping against one another as he thrust in and out of her, probably with her bent over for him. Maybe she had one leg up on the side of the tub as he pushed upward into her. Had he hit the spot? Was it everything she hoped for? God, I hoped so.

I had been playing with myself with increasing intensity as I thought of his hands on her ass, grabbing a big handful as the soapy skin slid against his hands; at the thought of him sucking on her erect nipples, his fingers sliding into her.

He was her play thing now. I knew she was loving having another cock in her, maybe even thinking about having mine at the same time. I began to pump my cock even hard, nearing climax.

The moaning intensified as time passed: 10 minutes... 15 minutes... 20 minutes.

* * *

"Fuck me!" she yelled as he didn't dare let up, her hand reaching back to grip him as he thrust, as if beckoning him to go even harder. He did and the moans turned to yelling. I loved every second of it as my cock even began to get hard again. She yelled, moaned and grunted as he kept going "Don't fucking stop!" she yelled.

She came so hard that her legs almost gave out from under her. Without even stopped to find my cock, which was ready to go again, her knees hit the couch and she propped her hips up as she put her hands on my shoulders. She slid down onto my cock and began right away to bounce on top of it, pushing with her thighs off of the couch. I placed a hand on each of her ass cheeks as she fucked me.

Whether or not she had stopped coming between switching from him to me didn't really matter. She was already building up to another orgasm and as I Squeezed her ass, she found my lips again, kissing passionately as another orgasm rocked her gorgeous body. Sweat was already building up on both of us as she kept bouncing on me.

* * *

"I can't... stop... cumming." she gasped, between deep breaths.

It was at that moment that there came an even bigger surprise. As it started to look like she was getting tired, she looked at my friend and said "stand up." He jumped up from where he had been laying back on the couch, watching, and approached her again.

She sat back down on my cock, altering her position slightly. What she wanted became apparent immediately as she pulled one ass cheek to the side and looked back at him, beckoning him closer. He stepped toward her, now aware of what she wanted, but holding his huge cock out to her.

"I want you to both to fuck me."

 

[watch_her_play]

d'oh!

Or not!

 

[watch_her_play]

Thanks anyway

I can already tell this is going to be a big hit!

 

[Tyro999]

I can already tell this is going to be a big hit!

As a Lit reader, not writer, what I see is that you've got the bare bones makings of some sex scenes. The problem is, you've got a long way to go to write the full sex scenes, much less the set up story leading into those sex scenes. In my, admittedly unqualified, opinion you're a long way away from seeking feedback on what, basically, is a story you might try to write.

That might be the reason for the tepid response from real Lit writers.

 

[SydneyBlake]

As a Lit reader, not writer, what I see is that you've got the bare bones makings of some sex scenes. The problem is, you've got a long way to go to write the full sex scenes, much less the set up story leading into those sex scenes. In my, admittedly unqualified, opinion you're a long way away from seeking feedback on what, basically, is a story you might try to write.

That might be the reason for the tepid response from real Lit writers.

You've hit the nail on the head with this comment.

Tyro999, I think you show potential, but you need to spend time to develop this story before it's really ready for readers.

Oh, and please don't have the friend just plunge into that poor girl's ass. It will hurt like hell. Just sayin'.

 

[Tyro999]

Tyro999, I think you show potential, but you need to spend time to develop this story before it's really ready for readers.

Erm, Sydney. Watch_her_play is the nascent writer seeking feedback. I, Tyro999, am merely an avid, wide-ranging reader who has, over my 67 year checkered life, shown no hint of the imagination and writing ability that I admire during that avid, wide-ranging reading.

To expand a bit, while the sex scenes in a lit story are important in this venue, if the surrounding story doesn't grab me I'll bail out early. Fortunately, I've found a lot of good storytellers here that keep me coming back a couple or three times a week. I say fortunately, because at my age, if I were just here for the strokes, ten days or two weeks between visits, and one story would suffice. As it is, I generally find a half-dozen to dozen, depending on length, stories that I enjoy on each visit.

 

[watch_her_play]

http://www.literotica.com/s/birthday-threesome-1

Well, whatever. I won't quit my day job just yet.

 

[watch_her_play]

You've hit the nail on the head with this comment.

Tyro999, I think you show potential, but you need to spend time to develop this story before it's really ready for readers.

Oh, and please don't have the friend just plunge into that poor girl's ass. It will hurt like hell. Just sayin'.

Not sure how you confused that exactly but okay. Those were just snippets of the story. Thought I'd see what people thought before I posted the whole thing.

Thanks for the sex tips, but I know not to just plunge into- well, whatever.

 

[gcramer789]

ha buddy the story is very nice
I think............. nothing............
just carry on

 

[felix_Bosco]

Hey

I thought the story was pretty sexy, not my cup of tea precisely but well written and I understand that these are just short samples from a bigger picture. One thing you I've realized is that there are a lot of people on this site who are very smug. I guarentee there are many more lurkers than actual writers, and someone will definitely appreciate your work, so put it out there

 

[estragon]

I thought the story was pretty sexy, not my cup of tea precisely but well written and I understand that these are just short samples from a bigger picture. One thing you I've realized is that there are a lot of people on this site who are very smug. I guarentee there are many more lurkers than actual writers, and someone will definitely appreciate your work, so put it out there

I entirely agree as to the lurkers, disagree as to your generalization about "smug people on this site". All I want to do it to write better stories, and I'll learn from anyone who can teach me, I guarantee you.

 

[watch_her_play]

I entirely agree as to the lurkers, disagree as to your generalization about "smug people on this site". All I want to do it to write better stories, and I'll learn from anyone who can teach me, I guarantee you.

Only thing I learned is not to bother

 

[estragon]

If that's all you learned, I'm truly sorry. But wait until you get bombed by the pros; then you'll really learn. Anyway, whatever they say, keep writing.

 

[Don2Dusk]

Verb sat

As a lurker/writer, I can attest to the bombing! It doesn't get me down, and I do want to learn. I would say that sometimes you want fast food, and sometimes (most of the time) one wants an amuse bouche, appetizer, main with sides, and dessert. Maybe even a before or after cocktail.

Write because it turns you on, because you want to, because you feel that it might make friends and influence people: whatever.

I salute the writers. You put yourself out there and expose yourself to criticism. Critics are a blessing. Listen, even if you chose not to learn. It's all ok, your choice.

Damon

 

[hottchic]

For your first post I am impressed, and I must say that I did unserstand from the off that you had the story and were just reproducing tit bits.

I think you did a good job with getting across attitudes and emotions of the characters which for me is the most important thing. I also understand why initially you just gave snip bits, you were worried people would not stop to read otherwise.

I did spot a few errors in the writing, but then again I spot errors in my own stories after they have been submitted and approved, so no biggy.

So I would say definately keep writing and good luck.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

double post

 

[elfin_odalisque]

watch-her-play, hi and welcome to the madhouse.

I've read what estragon and don2dusk have said and, whilst I think they make fair points, I believe they miss the essential.

sr will come bounding in soon like an overexcited puppy but I truly think you have tied yourself up in knots by trying to write a voyeuristic sex scene in first person. How the f. can you get any emotional interest unless we relate to the protag/antag? We are the watcher but you put us two steps back.

You write OK but I don't think you appreciate that your readers don't see things through your eyes but third party eyes and therefore miss a lot of the backstory. This loses immediacy and connection.

The emotional/sexual tension is not there because you put us poor readers so far behind the loop.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, yes, I'll bound in, because, as is often, Elfin has a screw loose here. Perspective doesn't have anything to do with it--and this isn't a voyeurism work. The first three sexual encounters are one-on-one, with the protagonist being one of the "one's." And the third one is, as the title claims, a three-way, including the protagonist.

Elfin is just being, as often is the case, off the wall in assessing what the work is--or even what first and third person do in a story.

The suggestion that first person doesn't work because it hinders emotional contact with the protagonist is so far out in la la land that one has got to just shake his/her head and laugh it off.

 

[autoplot]

Only thing I learned is not to bother

You're going to have to be a little less delicate than that if you want to send your writing out into the world, I'm afraid.

I thought it was all right, but I have to agree with the first reply -- it's just a description of some sex; without any context or build-up there's not a great deal that makes it stand out.

 

[emily_fallen]

.... .... ???

 

[Hannah90]

I think it's great, needs a bit more details though, but other than that, it's good!! XX