I'm working my "Mistress and Commander" series. It started with a plot bunny from voluptuary_manque. It's gotten a few votes, but no comments. I ask experienced writers please to give me some feedback. I'll keep writing it because I have to write it, but if it's utter trash at least I can refrain, maybe, from inflicting any more of it on Literotica's readers.
Request Feedback
- Thread starter estragon
- Start date
After 21 views with no feedback whatso-fucking-ever
I withdraw my request for feedback from experienced writers. I'll take feedback from anybody. I feel like I'm in a bad remake of the Twilight Zone, when I write and post, and am utterly invisible. Why would anybody view a request for feedback if they didn't intend to give any? It's like walking into a bar when you're allergic to beer--why would you waste your time, even one-tenth of a second?
I withdraw my request for feedback from experienced writers. I'll take feedback from anybody. I feel like I'm in a bad remake of the Twilight Zone, when I write and post, and am utterly invisible. Why would anybody view a request for feedback if they didn't intend to give any? It's like walking into a bar when you're allergic to beer--why would you waste your time, even one-tenth of a second?
Blackbird Guy, OK, here's the first in the series:
http://www.literotica.com/s/mistress-and-commander-ch-01
favoritesgoddess
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 14, 2003
- Posts
- 237
It's not utter trash, and I understand your frustration at wanting feedback and not getting any.
I found it hard to read and had to make myself keep going past the first few paragraphs. When I'm reading a story and there is a word or a term here or there that I don't understand, I don't mind because I can get it from context. Judiciously applied, those kind of details can add great flavor to a story. But when they start to pile up, there comes a point where it slips into gibberish unless you're familiar with the lingo. I imagine among seafaring types it might read quite smoothly, but I'm not, so it was rough going right from the outset.
I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I had trouble placing the location, the nationalities of some of the characters, what kind of boat they were on, or even what time period it is set in. There were modern references, but they seemed to speak like they were from another time period.
I looked for some sense of humanity in any character and couldn't find any. I didn't care about any of the characters at the end of the story any more than I did before I read it. Combine that with a sort of vague picture in my head of the setting and it left me having trouble finding something to lock onto to make me want to keep going. Whether it's wanting to know a character better, find out how a particular conflict is going to be resolved, or even seeing what kind of sexual shenanigans are coming up, there has to be something that makes me want to keep going. I didn't get that.
Part of the problem was with the sex parts as well. It was very "fuck now, orgasm," and then on to the next bit of whatever. No build up of tension, very little getting inside the character's head to see what motivation there was for any of it...I guess the sex seemed perfunctory and just out of place.
I think the story itself has vast potential and could be a really randy, exotic read, but as it stands it just didn't give me enough to go on. I like the idea a lot, but I think it needs to be more accessible to us landlubbers out here. Make us want to get on board with them and take part in their adventures.
I found it hard to read and had to make myself keep going past the first few paragraphs. When I'm reading a story and there is a word or a term here or there that I don't understand, I don't mind because I can get it from context. Judiciously applied, those kind of details can add great flavor to a story. But when they start to pile up, there comes a point where it slips into gibberish unless you're familiar with the lingo. I imagine among seafaring types it might read quite smoothly, but I'm not, so it was rough going right from the outset.
I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I had trouble placing the location, the nationalities of some of the characters, what kind of boat they were on, or even what time period it is set in. There were modern references, but they seemed to speak like they were from another time period.
I looked for some sense of humanity in any character and couldn't find any. I didn't care about any of the characters at the end of the story any more than I did before I read it. Combine that with a sort of vague picture in my head of the setting and it left me having trouble finding something to lock onto to make me want to keep going. Whether it's wanting to know a character better, find out how a particular conflict is going to be resolved, or even seeing what kind of sexual shenanigans are coming up, there has to be something that makes me want to keep going. I didn't get that.
Part of the problem was with the sex parts as well. It was very "fuck now, orgasm," and then on to the next bit of whatever. No build up of tension, very little getting inside the character's head to see what motivation there was for any of it...I guess the sex seemed perfunctory and just out of place.
I think the story itself has vast potential and could be a really randy, exotic read, but as it stands it just didn't give me enough to go on. I like the idea a lot, but I think it needs to be more accessible to us landlubbers out here. Make us want to get on board with them and take part in their adventures.
