A question and a sample

[Saucydisher11]

Hey everyone hows things, first I would like to start by saying what a great site this is, its strange to find a site with that mix of honesty and fun.

Secondly, Ive done so much reading I would like to contribute something to the pages, I have it written and have submitted it yesterday, but hasnt gone through yet, how long does it usually take?

Finally here is a few paragraphs of my tale let me know how you find it, thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-car-8

 

[Experiencedguy]

Welcome

You do belong on this site. You will build up a readership. It can take a few days (maybe up to four) for your story to be published. You will do better if you wait until the story is accepted, and then provide a link, as most of us are too lazy to bother trying to find it.

Other than the dimwits, most of us on this site are intelligent, and are always glad to welcome someone new.

Explore all the other various catagories to discover where you really belong and feel comfortable.

 

[sr71plt]

Your sample is in a zone of what many of readers come here to find, so your stories should do well. You have several run-on sentences in this sample. A lot of the commas here should be periods. And there are quite a few commenters here who will criticize the use of precise bra measurements as amateurish. Nothing original in the what you provide here, but that seems to be OK with many of the readers who come here. Post stories and begin to see where you can find a niche that satisfies you.

 

[Saucydisher11]

Thanks for the posts guys, well caught I was trying to keep out all specifics and just give the bare story but guess a few slipped in. The long sentences is how I write normally, so will have to watch out for that, Ive browsed some of the lists of stories here, gonna be hard to come up with an original one, think even the porn directors are having trouble with that! keep me informed and I will keep improving, thanks

 

[sr71plt]

Thanks for the posts guys, well caught I was trying to keep out all specifics and just give the bare story but guess a few slipped in. The long sentences is how I write normally, so will have to watch out for that, Ive browsed some of the lists of stories here, gonna be hard to come up with an original one, think even the porn directors are having trouble with that! keep me informed and I will keep improving, thanks

I was referring to run-on sentences, not long sentences. Your opening paragraph has a run-on that should be three sentences. It isn't that your sentences are long; that's that they aren't proper sentences at all.

 

[Saucydisher11]

It isn't that your sentences are long; that's that they aren't proper sentences at all.

Not sure I understand. Ive seen the list of stories you have published so dont think for one minute I am criticising you.
Your saying my sentences arent real sentences?

 

[sr71plt]

I was wrong. That isn't a three-element run-on sentence in paragraph one. It's a four-element run-on sentence.

Time and date didn’t matter. Even the night club they were in didn’t seem to matter. It started to fade into the background as he looked into her eyes and felt every fibre[Is this British style? If not, this should be "fiber"] of his person need her, want her, scream for her. It was stronger than anything he felt, and it almost scared him.

And another paragraph with a run-on sentence:

She was slim, athletic, and 34d[As noted, critics will say "yuck" to the 34D reference]. They had been slow dancing for awhile[comma] but both needed a break before their urges took over. The kissing had been deep and passionate, hands roaming each other’s bodies until awareness kicked back in. Now they sat at the bar smiling at each other, wanting each other, but concerned to take the first move.

A run-on sentence is a jumble of sentences, not a single sentence.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

sr is a harsh taskmaster but he is pretty much on the ball in both copy and literary editing.

Time and date didn’t matter: even the night club they were in didn’t seem to matter. It started to fade into the background as he looked into her eyes and felt every fibre of his person need her, want her, scream for her It was stronger than anything he felt, and it almost scared him.

She was 5’10,[for me, I would prefer, 'she was quite tall'] deep brown eyes that matched her soft brown hair that fell past her ears. Her face was almost angelic, with the shape of her eyes and the slip of her smile, her freckles endearing him.

As sr says, long sentences aren't neccessarily a prob, but run on sentences are.

On breasts, no woman worries about her rib cage measurement, so 32, 34, 36 are irrelevant. There was a nice story recently where the writer described her breasts as, ‘I am a full C cup’. I thought that was both graphic and rather sexy.

In the last comment, sr was a tad disparaging about quoting bra sizes but women have a deep-seated emotion about their breasts and guys dribble looking at them. Turning mazoomas into something from Walmart's fruit and veg counter will not help your creation of erotic tension.

 

[sr71plt]

In the last comment, sr was a tad disparaging about quoting bra sizes

Umm, no I wasn't. You misread (again). I didn't register my opinion on this at all. In two postings I said that commenters would criticize this use. Which they will--and do frequently here. I didn't say this was my view; I very carefully attributed the view to others and didn't give my opinion.

 

[Saucydisher11]

Thank you both for your help, I will keep it in mind. In relation to the run on sentences, maybe I should tone town for scripts on here, but my intention was to start the scene trying to capture the breathlessness of the main character, which I thought I did quite well. To break the sentences up, removes this feeling, however faint.

I would agree with the first two sentences but reckon the third should run that bit longer. But then thats a matter of opinion.

 

[sr71plt]

There are techniques to convey what you wanted to convey (short, choppy sentences that ramble off a coherent thought progression, for instance, accompanied with an explanatory slug--and showing they are breathless in your description of their actions). At least for me (a reader) you didn't convey what you wanted to convey with the technique you used. You might think about that.

Again, these don't constitute a sentence--and the impression they leave is that you aren't terrific with punctuation and grammar.

 

[_Lynn_]

Thank you both for your help, I will keep it in mind. In relation to the run on sentences, maybe I should tone town for scripts on here, but my intention was to start the scene trying to capture the breathlessness of the main character, which I thought I did quite well. To break the sentences up, removes this feeling, however faint.

I would agree with the first two sentences but reckon the third should run that bit longer. But then thats a matter of opinion.

I would say it's more a matter of what's correct than opinion. SR knows his stuff. You would be wise to listen and learn from him.

But that's just my opinion.

There are techniques to convey what you wanted to convey (short, choppy sentences that ramble off a coherent thought progression, for instance, accompanied with an explanatory slug--and showing they are breathless in your description of thier actions). At least for me (a reader) you didn't convey what you wanted to convey with the technique you used. You might think about that.

Again, these don't constitute a sentence--and the impression they leave is that you aren't terrific with punctuation and grammar.

I agree. The sentences would not make me, as a reader, want to continue with the rest of the story.

 

[Saucydisher11]

Again as I have stated, you’re more than impressive list of publishing’s far outshine anything I have achieved, and I have asked for criticism, no matter how harsh, and thank you for it.

My argument is that sentences need not be constantly punctuated by full stops. I find it, at times; it works against the writing, pushing the reader away rather than hold them tight. It allows ‘dipping’ instead of full readings.

Perhaps it is a 'British thing'. While short sentences are, for instance, necessary in places, and indeed quiet popular with modern day ‘pop culture literature’, I find longer sentences express thought and setting impressively, capturing and holding the reader’s attention, least they miss something.

I guess it may be a more out-dated technique, used by many, but then this might not be the place for good literature. I concede the point good sir, and bow to your wiser experience.

 

[sr71plt]

OK, don't punctuate them properly then. They are your stories. They should be rendered as they please you.

 

[michchick98]

Again as I have stated, you’re more than impressive list of publishing’s far outshine anything I have achieved, and I have asked for criticism, no matter how harsh, and thank you for it.

My argument is that sentences need not be constantly punctuated by full stops. I find it, at times; it works against the writing, pushing the reader away rather than hold them tight. It allows ‘dipping’ instead of full readings.

I know Literotica is an amateur writing site, but why do you think readers are any less critical here? In the sample you provided, I wouldn't have read past the first paragraph. I'm a Comma Nazi (not a self given title) and if I were editing you, many of those commas would go bye-bye.

I may not agree with a great many things sr71plt says, but I do agree with his editing skills/suggestions/whatever.

As a READER, I want to know what I'm reading isn't going to make me stumble and read it over several times. If I have to do that, which I do with the first paragraph of your sample, then I don't continue reading.

Many READERS here on Literotica will vote your story lower for poor punctuation and grammar, among other things.

But I'm rambling....my whole point in replying to you was to ask where you learned " sentences need not be constantly punctuated by full stops."

Perhaps it is a 'British thing'. While short sentences are, for instance, necessary in places, and indeed quiet popular with modern day ‘pop culture literature’, I find longer sentences express thought and setting impressively, capturing and holding the reader’s attention, least they miss something.

Who are your readers and which British authors have used this method? Seriously. I do tons of reading, both by American and British authors. I've never seen run-on sentences, even on this site.

You might prefer the longer run-on sentences, but I think your readers will definitely make it a point to express their discontent over it. Yeah, you may get a lot of views, but how many people are actually finishing the story? They might click onto it, then back click because of the excessive usage of commas.

I guess it may be a more out-dated technique, used by many, but then this might not be the place for good literature. I concede the point good sir, and bow to your wiser experience.

Again, where in "good literature" have you seen this method used. I've read tons of books by American and British (and a few Australian) authors and never once have I seen sentences like you've used, even on this site, which according to you, this isn't the place for "good literature."

I believe this site can be used for a writer to hone his or her writing skills. There are many authors here who have gone on to successful writing careers in the e-book market and I'd be not one of them run-on sentences with commas where there should be periods or at the very least a semi-colon.

 

[PacoFear]

A more moderate view to throw into the mix -- it's fair to bend the grammatical rules for effect, but an author needs to adhere to enough of them and with sufficient frequency to build some credibility with his readers. Otherwise, they can't tell whether he's doing it on purpose or he's just an ignorant hack.

 

[sr71plt]

A more moderate view to throw into the mix -- it's fair to bend the grammatical rules for effect, but an author needs to adhere to enough of them and with sufficient frequency to build some credibility with his readers. Otherwise, they can't tell whether he's doing it on purpose or he's just an ignorant hack.

Along those lines, the issue I see isn't that only proper sentences can be used in fiction. I use a lot of sentence fragments--even in the narrative--when I want to do what the questioner here says the run-on sentences were meant to convey--a breathy sense of the immediate. The issue, I think, is that this technique attempting to do that doesn't do it--it just makes the reader nervous about whether the sentence string will ever end while they can still remember would the topic was.

 

[Noira]

A more moderate view to throw into the mix -- it's fair to bend the grammatical rules for effect, but an author needs to adhere to enough of them and with sufficient frequency to build some credibility with his readers. Otherwise, they can't tell whether he's doing it on purpose or he's just an ignorant hack.

You have to know how to do it right before you're allowed to bend the rules. I absolutely love rule bending done to create a tone... when it's done right, by someone I know can make a story work and write it right. But yeah, I absolutely agree with you there.

I would personally rewrite the beginning to be like so:

Time and date didn't matter. Even the night club they were in didn't matter. It faded into the background as he looked into her eyes and felt every fibre of his person need her, want her, scream for her. It was stronger than anything he felt and it almost scared him.

She was tall, with deep brown eyes that matched the soft brown hair falling past her ears. Her face was almost angelic with the shape of her eyes and the slip of her smile, her freckles endearing to him.

(Well, actually, I'd rewrite it quite signifigantly more, but that's just trying to maintain your voice there.)

And I'd argue that if she's slim and ATHLETIC she's not going to be a 34-D because boobs are primarily fat... but eh, it's mindless escapism... but honestly, your narrator's male, most guys can't tell bra size from looking... I can't tell bra size from looking. Just say she had huge boobs and get it over with. I'm one of those people who hate seeing writers list bra size. Same with her exact height. None of this measurement bullshit. May I introduce you to my friend, Mr. Adjectives? Use them well.

Work on the run-on sentences. You'll find short sentences work better to convey a breathy sense of the immediate (to steal the turn of phrase) than run-on sentences. Run-on sentences just make people feel like they're drowning. They can be used well and they can be used right but here is not the place. Shape your fiction well: use periods at the natural stop points. You want to lure people forward and through, not have them rushing through in the hopes that eventually a period will surface and they can breathe again.

Fibre is indeed British, but if you use British spelling once, use it for everything. That means always "re" and always "ised". In my strong opinion, if you don't use British quotes, then don't use British spelling... always hate it when people try be pretentious by using the more obscure spellings but don't consistantly do it, but that's partially because I'm Canadian and half of the people think they need to spell it centre and the other half spell it center and man, it gets crazy all over the place. Maybe just for me though, me and my grammar nazi personal editor shoulder angels.

 

[Saucydisher11]

Im sorry, I couldnt help myself I swore I wouldnt rise, but....

Who are your readers and which British authors have used this method? Seriously. I do tons of reading, both by American and British authors. I've never seen run-on sentences, even on this site.

Again, where in "good literature" have you seen this method used. I've read tons of books by American and British (and a few Australian) authors and never once have I seen sentences like you've used, even on this site, which according to you, this isn't the place for "good literature."

Put down the Dan Brown, your ignorance is showing.

 

[Passing]

Saucy,

I sympathize with you.

Commas are the bane of my existence (as a writer).

Somewhere in my youth I picked up the very false notion that I needed to put a comma where ever I would naturally pause in a sentence. I don't even know what that means... All I know is by the time I get around to editing my piece everyone in the house knows. They know because I will likely be yelling at my grammar correct on my computer, sputtering incoherently...

I understand what you mean when you say that it doesn't feel right. Sometimes I have to let a piece rest for a few days and read it from a 'readers' point of view.

 

[Saucydisher11]

Saucy,

I sympathize with you.

Commas are the bane of my existence (as a writer).

I understand what you mean when you say that it doesn't feel right. Sometimes I have to let a piece rest for a few days and read it from a 'readers' point of view.

Another follower on the road to nowhere
The grammar we know today actually came straight from the latin! Only problem was, they were two different languages! God save us and bless us! This was one of the major reasons it is no longer a subject in school!

English is flexible and is constantly changing, there are basic rules, but a writer should not be afraid to bend these!

 

[Guest]

Whoa

delete

 

[estragon]

First, Know the Rules Before Your Break Them

Second, be careful what you ask for, you might just get it. Slop is slop, good Sir, and rule-breaking by those who can write (cf. James Joyce) is literature--and if you want a run-on sentence that is an erotic classic, top-fuel, unmodified masterpiece, possibly the finest erotic run-on sentence ever, try Molly Bloom's soliloquy at the end of Ulysses--"Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to get his breakfast in bed....". Write the equal to that, and you can break every frickin' rule there is.

 

[Saucydisher11]

You humble me by comparing me to the greats, you are too kind! I would never attempt to compare myself, or claim to be better then greats such as Joyce and his masterpiece Ulysses. Incidentally, find someone who claims that they have read the classic, and you can be sure you are in the presence of a liar!

Also, do not misconstrue my comments as not accepting criticism, I merely have a problem, as a novice writer, with the derogatory manner in which a certain person approached it. Do not be mistaken into thinking that this is an isolated incident, but browsing other posts, it has also been referred to, on numerous occasions, the poor people skills this critic maintains.

SURELYWILDER, you are correct, and please do not view me in such a negative manner. I have received many forms of feedback, and indeed criticism, from a number of people throughout the site. No amount of criticism will help a writer, it will break, but not help, I need constructive criticism, if you don’t have it, please post somewhere else!

ESTRAGON, I never mentioned breaking rules, please pay attention, but I have stated, this is no place for literature. If you think it is, alas you are sadly mistaken, it is a place for a quick tug, no more, no less.

In relation to Joyce, how do you reckon, he was received at the time?