Help...I can't switch...

[thatgirl2136]

I have been seeing a guy off and on for a few months.
I'm a very submissive woman and he is incredibly dominating. He is my first real life taste to the BDSM world. He is an ideal start for me, he has never pushed me past my limits and we carry most of the same interests.
My only problem is that he tells me he sees a dominating woman in me and he is trying to pull it out of me, but I can't switch. And he can't wrap his head around it...He is dying for me to make him "my cum slave" by squirting all over him while he is tied down. It's a complete turn off. I can't squirt when he tells me mid-sex to make him my slave...Even my body gives all the signs that it doesn't interest me, but he is blind to it.
Any suggestions that might help?
Could it be our age difference? He is 32 and I am 20.

 

[Stella_Omega]

He's still a little young for D/s.

You will have to tell him, flat out loud and clear. Don't expect him to understand hints, or the signs your body gives, no matter how clear they are to you.

Don't feel bad or that you've hurt his feelings-- he just hasn't heard and understood anything else yet. You can tell because-- he hasn't.

 

[CutieMouse]

Or maybe it isn't so much that he's a perfect first dominant for you, as much as he's of the opinion that submissives make the best masters/mistresses because they understand the submissive mindset.

Yes - that argument was used on me, by someone who initially appeared to be the most in tune, self aware, accepting, perfect blend of pushing but not too hard PYL type I could have possibly found... Except that his ultimate goal was to turn me into his mistress, because he "saw it in me even if I didn't".

If I was turned off by dominating him, I wasn't trying hard enough. If I was awkward and uncomfortable, I ruined things for him. If I stood up and said "this is not me" I was being selfish. He was older, wiser, had been involved in BDSM for 20+ years, kept saying he knew better than me what was goodfor me, because by turning me into a dominant, he was dominating me.

It took too long to figure it out, but he wasn't a perfect dominant (for me). He was a manipulative little do-me queen. And getting caught up in his manipulation really screwed with my sexuality in a big way; I still struggle with some things.

My advice would be to get blunt, and if it makes you uncomfortable to take charge - be blunt about it. To the point of stopping mid-sex if he won't listen when you explain that no, you won't be switching/domming. Thanks for the opportunity, but it's reinforced to you that you are a submissive, not a switch.

 

[estragon]

The Army Got It Right, For Once

Be all you can be--the magic word is "you". If you're born a Domme, it'll come out. If a sub, relax and enjoy. It's all about love and trust. A great D doesn't mold character, s/he brings out what is already there, without doing damage, like an eleveur with a great wine, s/he tastes and listens and loves. And s waits, and trusts, and trusts some more, and loves.

 

[the captians wench]

While I agree this case does sound like manipulitive bull shit, I have been in simular situations.

While I identify as a sercive oriented submissive, I do have a sadistic spark in me. I have as a child. Jounar recognized this and wanted me to be happy. My problem is that I tend to catagorize people and put them in nice neat little boxes. If I put you in the "dom" box, you can't go climbing into the "sub" box. He didn't understand why I had to make it a BDSM thing at all and not just be an "us enjoying each other" thing.

It took 3 years for me to be comfortable doing anything repotely topish to him. And another 6 months before I let go and started enjoying it. It took a lot of gentle proding from him, and a lot of arguments, fights, and hurt feelings, but when those sadistic urges do pop up, I can share them with him and we're both happierfor it.

But he's not trying to "make me a domme" or anything like that. Jounar just feels like we should be able to share anything we enjoy with the other, together. And it took me a long time to comprehend that, and understand that it doesn't make me any less his property, or him any less my owner, it just makes us lovers.

 

[Que]

he "sees a dominating woman in you" because it is his own fantasy-based self delusion.

we all do this to a certain extent as we try to make the fantasy in our heads see the light of day with whomever we have the good fortune of enjoying an interaction with. You just can't fulfill every fantasy with every other human.

Now, there's nothing wrong with him asking you to simulate a dominating woman...but then you are more a service top. You are acting in a role to please him. but that doesn't mean you will or necessarily have to get off doing it.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Rather fight than switch!

 

[eastern sun]

Now, there's nothing wrong with him asking you to simulate a dominating woman...but then you are more a service top. You are acting in a role to please him. but that doesn't mean you will or necessarily have to get off doing it.

I agree. Submission isn't always about getting off.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I agree. Submission isn't always about getting off.

Nor is PYL-hood. Getting off is not necessarily always - or even most of the time - the end goal of being PYL. At least in a physical sense, at least for me. The mental/emotional/psychotic ... oops! I mean /psychological, reward derived from treating my pyl in a sadistic manner (physical or psychological) is often as or even more satisfying as/than the physical reward.

(Damn, that's not well phrased. I hope y'all can figure out what I'm trying to say.)

For the OP: He might well have been "an ideal start for" you, but it seems to me that you may have already outgrown his potential worth to you, in learning more about yourself than he seems capable of understanding.

 

[thatgirl2136]

You are acting in a role to please him. but that doesn't mean you will or necessarily have to get off doing it.

That's the problem, he wants me to get off. I don't squirt if I'm not aroused....There's no way to fake it.


Everyone who said I need to bluntly say it, I have. Many times when it has been brought up.

 

[CutieMouse]

That's the problem, he wants me to get off. I don't squirt if I'm not aroused....There's no way to fake it.


Everyone who said I need to bluntly say it, I have. Many times when it has been brought up.

What's his response when you explain that you feel physically unable to perform as he wishes, due to a lack of arousal [while following his orders]?

 

[Stella_Omega]

That's the problem, he wants me to get off. I don't squirt if I'm not aroused....There's no way to fake it.

exactly this.

Everyone who said I need to bluntly say it, I have. Many times when it has been brought up.

Damn, I am so sorry. There's a communication breakdown in his head somewhere-- I don't really have any advice past that.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it is beyond putting it bluntly. My advice would be to politely move on and hopefully find someone who suits you better. There is no law which says you have to continue and find a way to make him happy the way he insists if it is not working for you. Too many people stay in relationships they are not happy in, trying to fit the role the partner wants them to, only to find they are both unhappy and have wasted a lot of time struggling with the mess. Life is too short.

Catalina

 

[J D Danger]

it sounds to me like he is trying to make you something your not..trying to force something that just should not happen instead of helping you grow..to me..if you guys are meant to be together..if it is you he is meant to be with then the poicture in his maind has to change...you and he have to work together to come up with a fantasy that works for both of you...it has nothing to do with age...I know a couple where te age difference is the same he is 32 and she is 21..she has had many Masters in the past who have tried to do the same thing to her and it has always damaged and then ended the relationship because the very thought of being the Dome turns her off...

she still has ex Masters who now call her Mistress..in fact one of the texted her on her birthday this year and I laughed and asked when he called her that...she said because almost everyone who knows me..thinks of me as a Dme except for you and Master,,,I laughed and then she asked her Master if he would let her top him for a birthday present,he just laughed and said no that is not happening because I want you to cum

sorry...I i went off on a ramble there..but I love talking about that couple..their relationship is a thing of beauty

good luck...I hope the two of you find a way that works for both of you

 

[thatgirl2136]

I think it is beyond putting it bluntly. My advice would be to politely move on and hopefully find someone who suits you better. There is no law which says you have to continue and find a way to make him happy the way he insists if it is not working for you. Too many people stay in relationships they are not happy in, trying to fit the role the partner wants them to, only to find they are both unhappy and have wasted a lot of time struggling with the mess. Life is too short.

Catalina

I have been seeing him less, it becomes too obnoxious to be in the heat of things then be told to be something i'm not.
I have feelings for him and he claims to love me, but there's too many roadblocks.
He wants me to dominate a woman while he watches and the thought makes my stomach turn. I have nothing against it, that just is not the sex I'm attracted to.

 

[Stella_Omega]

yeah... I'd be seeing a lot less of him if I were in your position.

 

[NestleSnipes]

I have been seeing him less, it becomes too obnoxious to be in the heat of things then be told to be something i'm not.
I have feelings for him and he claims to love me, but there's too many roadblocks.
He wants me to dominate a woman while he watches and the thought makes my stomach turn. I have nothing against it, that just is not the sex I'm attracted to.

I assume you have told him all of this?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I assume you have told him all of this?

Yes, she has.

Everyone who said I need to bluntly say it, I have. Many times when it has been brought up.

You have just demonstrated the problem.

Don't you hate when that happens!

 

[NJFLOK]

UMM I just going to throw this out here.What has he done to condition/train you to squirt on command. Part of dominating/controlling someone is often harder for the Dom, the sub only needs to learn but the Dom needs teach which is much harder to accomplish. Based upon the info you posted it seems your "dom" is a bit young and has watched way to much porn and expects the reward without the work.

 

[YourCaptor]

You could give me a call.

Down in socal?

 

[BiBunny]

Have you actually tried to do any of this, or are you just assuming you can't do it?

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Some people can not switch. It isn't what makes them tick. Obviously, your brain is not wired for bi or Topping. As others have said, it is time for you to move on. You can't be his fantasy. You are a real person with your own desires. If both sets of desires no longer mesh~time to push off.

(I came from the opposite end of the spectrum~I used to be a maso bottom~not into the submitting thing so much but getting beaten and bruised until I cried? Yeah, all me. Now though, I can NOT bottom, not even to get my maso-rocks off. I have tried. I just can't let go enough to enjoy it...and I compare my supposed Top with myself and usually end up wishing I could just show em the proper way to do shit.)

*shrugs* You can't keep trying if it makes you uncomfortable or grosses you out. This is the real world and there are plenty of hetero males out there. Maybe you should start looking around for them.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Rather fight than switch!

Huh?
Just a few hours after seeing this, I find this commercial mentioned in a book I´m reading.

 

[NomadLady]

I have been seeing him less, it becomes too obnoxious to be in the heat of things then be told to be something i'm not.
I have feelings for him and he claims to love me, but there's too many roadblocks.
He wants me to dominate a woman while he watches and the thought makes my stomach turn. I have nothing against it, that just is not the sex I'm attracted to.

Evidently he just doesn't get it and any dom knows that there are "hard limits" that subs have. It sounds as though sex with another woman is a hard limit for you and if nothing else, he should respect that. Not to mention he is just pushing all the wrong buttons with you trying to convince you to switch if you don't want to.

 

[Etoile]

He is 32 and I am 20.

He's still a little young for D/s.

Huh? I'm confused. He's 32...