That red period should be a comma. Any time a sentence of dialogue is followed by a "said" attribution (he said, she said, Bill said, Monica said), you cannot end that quotation with a period. You can substitute a comma, or employ a question mark or exclamation mark if those are appropriate. But a period is always wrong.
You can use a period there, because you don't have a dialogue attribution tag after it... but--according to American English rules at least--the period needs to be inside the quotation mark, not outside it. (You're evidently not from America, since you used the Celsius scale earlier, but 45% of Literotica's readership is, and it helps not to irk them.) Also, the final sentence is a fragment; it has no subject. Every sentence needs to have at least one verb (an action) and a subject (the person doing the verb). Yours does not; it's just an action being committed by nothing. You can see the problem.
I think you're missing a punctuation mark somewhere in the red section. Maybe some words too. As is, it's a run-on sentence which is when a sentence keeps going instead of stopping where it should such sentences are annoying. (See what I meant about collisions?)
Typically you'd put the adverb ("breathlessly") after "said;" that's just smoother. (Ideally, you'd not use adverbs at all. They are the devil. But that's advanced theory, so we'll leave it off for now.)
I've only read "The Perfect Picnic" so far... and I'm not sure I'd go on to "Jack Of All Trades," after the showing you gave.
The first thing I have for you is the same first thing I have for most writers here: technicals, specifically your punctuation. It's somewhat troubling that you manage to simultaneously over-use and under-use commas. Here is your second paragraph with the unnecessary ones in red:
At least one of them belonged in the next paragraph:
That red period should be a comma. Any time a sentence of dialogue is followed by a "said" attribution (he said, she said, Bill said, Monica said), you cannot end that quotation with a period. You can substitute a comma, or employ a question mark or exclamation mark if those are appropriate. But a period is always wrong.
You can use a period there, because you don't have a dialogue attribution tag after it... but--according to American English rules at least--the period needs to be inside the quotation mark, not outside it. (You're evidently not from America, since you used the Celsius scale earlier, but 45% of Literotica's readership is, and it helps not to irk them.) Also, the final sentence is a fragment; it has no subject. Every sentence needs to have at least one verb (an action) and a subject (the person doing the verb). Yours does not; it's just an action being committed by nothing. You can see the problem.
At this point, a lot of your readers have hit the Back button. You're only four paragraphs in, but three of them have self-evident technical errors. This is stuff we learned before the age of ten. You're not making a good showing of yourself. And punctuation errors are the worst of the lot. Punctuation marks are like traffic signals: if you don't follow them properly, you cause collisions. And the last thing you want to do is ram The Reader off the side of the page.
I think you're missing a punctuation mark somewhere in the red section. Maybe some words too. As is, it's a run-on sentence which is when a sentence keeps going instead of stopping where it should such sentences are annoying. (See what I meant about collisions?)
Typically you'd put the adverb ("breathlessly") after "said;" that's just smoother. (Ideally, you'd not use adverbs at all. They are the devil. But that's advanced theory, so we'll leave it off for now.)
Finally, the sex itself is kind of short. The thing about written sex is that you have to do a lot of description--either of the actions a person is taking, or of the sensations a person is feeling. Details make things hot. A rough outline of what happens... not so hot. We can get that by watching porn. A story can tell us more, and should. We don't want to just know the character is having sex, we want to be the character, be inside her skin, knowing what she knows and feeling what she feels. Writing such an account is--to put it mildly--difficult. But it's what's called for.
This is a good start, and your command of the English language is actually better than quite a few of the would-be writers who have come through here. But there is plenty you could improve. At the very least you can work on the presentation. The technical rules of language really are like traffic laws--they help get you where you're going, help sort things out. A pile of words means nothing; if I just say, "I pussy cokc he the when aftr lfet okay yes throught Venezuela egregious," you'd be confused--and rightly so, because this is gibberish. To turn it into not-gibberish, I apply the organizing principles of grammar, punctuation, spelling. So thus can you.
Hope this helps some.
