Hot Story Or Not?

[ticklechambers]

You tell me.

http://www.literotica.com/s/cubicle-dancing

I'm looking for serious feedback

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'm sorry tickle, this forum has been taken over by the egotistical maniac scouries (ignore anything he posts - it's always lies) and sr who demands perfection from all and berates any comments that help newbies.

Your story is pretty good. I will try to comment today but,if not, tomorrow. You should PM Laurel about the deterioration on this forum.

 

[sr71plt]

Nobody as ruthlessly vengeful as a quack uncovered.

Anybody who wants to check can readily see that I've spent much of my time here encouraging writers to experiment and not feel compelled to follow Elfin's idea of "rules," many of which are off the wall. What Elfin really objects to is when I defend what the writer has done and point to where she is full of hot air on how to write erotica. She's loosened up a bit, but only because she has been brought to task on her sillier ideas over the past couple of years.

Elfin's big contribution to erotica on Lit.--written five years ago, her last posting to the story file--was an essay on bra sizes.

So, if you want guidance on bra sizes . . .

By all means, those bringing questions to this area of the forum should take whatever advice they find helpful. If they value their writing enough to ask questions here about it, of course, they'd also want to do a little research on who is giving them the advice.

(P.S., as far as the OP story, yes, it's just fine in the "hot" aspect, which is the specific question you asked. I'm surprised it isn't rating higher, but the first comment on it suggests the story has been trolled. It ends in a rushed, not particularly believable scenario. I see that you have another part that picks up with the ending, which might obviate how the story you are asking about disappoints a bit. Unfortunately, there's nothing noted in the first story to indicate it's the first in a series and will continue. Your writing is fine, and your grammar usage is fine enough for Literotica.)

 

[PennLady]

You tell me.

http://www.literotica.com/s/cubicle-dancing

I'm looking for serious feedback

Ok, I just read this. I have to say, I couldn't quite figure out what you were going for. It was in the Fetish category, but what was the fetish?

I have to admit I had a hard time believing Summer would do the dancing thing. I could see if she did it alone at home, but to go to that trouble at work? Seems ridiculous, unless part of that was her wanting someone to catch her but that was never spelled out. And how old was she? That "I'm not allowed to look at boys" caught me by surprise. Where did it come from? I can see her working hard for her father's approval, but "I'm not allowed?"

Summer's father seemed more neglectful than abusive or controlling, although there were hints of those. That, I think, was why I didn't buy the line about not looking at boys. I think you need to flesh out the characters a bit more.

Jay watching her every day made sense when we thought he was an employee -- but a client?

The sex was fine, although a few times I lost track of where people were. But that's okay.

Over all it was all right. There were a number of grammar, etc., mistakes but nothing that threw me out of the story. However -- and it's likely just me -- I couldn't get past how ridiculous it was for her to bring a change of clothes and dance in the toilet at work. That made me skeptical of all the rest.

 

[sr71plt]

I took the urge to dance in a cubicle at work as being the fetish part. That's the deal with fetishes; they make some people scratch their heads.

 

[PennLady]

I took the urge to dance in a cubicle at work as being the fetish part. That's the deal with fetishes; they make some people scratch their heads.

I took that as well, at least at first, except I didn't get the impression that doing it was any kind of sexual thing for her. It seemed more a rebellion against her father and his expectations. I thought it might have fit better under Erotic Couplings.

 

[sr71plt]

I took that as well, at least at first, except I didn't get the impression that doing it was any kind of sexual thing for her. It seemed more a rebellion against her father and his expectations. I thought it might have fit better under Erotic Couplings.

Fetish is a behavior--and often an unexplainable one--I think. When it's a sexual fetish, it needn't have been motivated by much of anything in the person's life. Seeing an act or position on a porn flick could be enough to establish it as a fetish in someone's sex life. Here, I'd have to believe that the dancing combined with the venue and slight sense of danger (sex in public) aroused her sexually--or I wouldn't believe that she'd be ready to have sex with a stranger who happens upon her. It's fiction; I don't think that setup has to be beaten to death on motivation and total reality. It did find the reactions of all characters at the end of the piece incomplete and rushed, though.

 

[_Lynn_]

Ok, I just read this. I have to say, I couldn't quite figure out what you were going for. It was in the Fetish category, but what was the fetish?

I have to admit I had a hard time believing Summer would do the dancing thing. I could see if she did it alone at home, but to go to that trouble at work? Seems ridiculous, unless part of that was her wanting someone to catch her but that was never spelled out. And how old was she? That "I'm not allowed to look at boys" caught me by surprise. Where did it come from? I can see her working hard for her father's approval, but "I'm not allowed?"

Summer's father seemed more neglectful than abusive or controlling, although there were hints of those. That, I think, was why I didn't buy the line about not looking at boys. I think you need to flesh out the characters a bit more.

Jay watching her every day made sense when we thought he was an employee -- but a client?

The sex was fine, although a few times I lost track of where people were. But that's okay.

Over all it was all right. There were a number of grammar, etc., mistakes but nothing that threw me out of the story. However -- and it's likely just me -- I couldn't get past how ridiculous it was for her to bring a change of clothes and dance in the toilet at work. That made me skeptical of all the rest.

It isn't just you. I had the same thoughts, right down to the line where she says she isn't allowed to look at boys.

There are places this is more like an outline, waiting for the details to go in later. When her father walks in, they are on the floor, her on all fours. I can't see her jumping up. All the guy does is get up, walk over to her to speak a minute, then walk away? What happened to scrambling to get their clothes into place? What happened to her anger when she realized the guy lied? I had a problem there too, with her not recognizing an employee at all.

Fiction, okay, but I didn't find this believable enough to want to read more, or in any way at all even close to hot.

 

[PennLady]

Fetish is a behavior--and often an unexplainable one--I think. When it's a sexual fetish, it needn't have been motivated by much of anything in the person's life. Seeing an act or position on a porn flick could be enough to establish it as a fetish in someone's sex life. Here, I'd have to believe that the dancing combined with the venue and slight sense of danger (sex in public) aroused her sexually--or I wouldn't believe that she'd be ready to have sex with a stranger who happens upon her. It's fiction; I don't think that setup has to be beaten to death on motivation and total reality. It did find the reactions of all characters at the end of the piece incomplete and rushed, though.

A fetish is a few things, although according to Mirriam Webster online, it's an object that is psychologically necessary, either physically or in a fantasy, for a person's sexual gratification (there are other definitions). That's the general way I take it's meant for the category, although I'm sure there's a range there to encompass behaviors as well as objects.

At any rate -- I didn't think it fit "Fetish," but it's no big deal to me.

No, the set up doesn't have to be beaten to death but for me, the setup didn't work. There was a woman with an odd habit of changing clothes at work and dancing in the toilet cubicle -- and how in God's name is there room to dance in one of those anyway? Sometimes you can barely fit in them for their intended purpose, I can't imagine dancing in one. So, for me, the setup wasn't very plausible or believable.

And as someone who writes stories about vampires and weres, I'm pretty loose about what constitutes reality.

Yes I didn't find the characters' reactions believable either.

 

[ticklechambers]

Hmmmm, okay, i read everyone's feedback. That's cool- i'm re-writing the story anyways. I'm going to take on board everyone's feedback. I chose fetish because i figured that spanking, and sex in public spaces, were fetishes. But meh, i guess i was wrong.

Thanks for everyone who pointed out the rush in the ending. I certainly agree on that point. Although, with bringing a change of clothes to work, and dancing in the toilet cubicle... i don't think there is an issue. If you meant to suggest i should explain more about her motivations here- then i agree.

But generally, the dancing and bringing a change of clothes was the character's way of exploring her suppressed desires to be free and wild. I chose the toilet cubicle because it was a metaphorical representation of her suppressed and confined desires. IE- the room she has within her life to be free is limited.

Thanks to all for the notes on their reactions when her father walks into the bathroom and catches them.

It's interesting to see how you all have such a different view compared to all the editors i sent this story to.

 

[_Lynn_]

Hmmmm, okay, i read everyone's feedback. That's cool- i'm re-writing the story anyways. I'm going to take on board everyone's feedback. I chose fetish because i figured that spanking, and sex in public spaces, were fetishes. But meh, i guess i was wrong.

Thanks for everyone who pointed out the rush in the ending. I certainly agree on that point. Although, with bringing a change of clothes to work, and dancing in the toilet cubicle... i don't think there is an issue. If you meant to suggest i should explain more about her motivations here- then i agree.

But generally, the dancing and bringing a change of clothes was the character's way of exploring her suppressed desires to be free and wild. I chose the toilet cubicle because it was a metaphorical representation of her suppressed and confined desires. IE- the room she has within her life to be free is limited.

Thanks to all for the notes on their reactions when her father walks into the bathroom and catches them.

It's interesting to see how you all have such a different view compared to all the editors i sent this story to.

This all might be what you intended the story to say, but little of that came through. The spanking seemed like part of a silly game, not a fetish. Changing clothes to dance in the toilet cubicle while at work made her seem odd, eccentric maybe. Nothing in that gave me a hint it was supposed to be a "metaphorical representation of her suppressed and confined desires. IE- the room she has within her life to be free is limited" as you put it.

 

[PennLady]

Sort through your feedback find what fits your story best. Too many editors and opinions can just kind of leave you where you were. You'll never please everyone, after all.

Like I said, I looked up fetish and it was defined as a THING, not an action or desire. But I can see where spanking would be a fetish, for example. However, I really do think what you have here is an erotic couplings story, if only because it is not established that she has any fetish.

I would have an issue with the clothes and cubicle, but certainly not everyone will. But be honest - most people bring clothes so they can change for the gym, or maybe b/c they're going out later. To me, what she's doing is just dumb. I can understand that her time to cut loose is limited, but why not do this when she's home and the father is not (she lived at home right?)? That would make more sense. And honest -- there is not ROOM to dance in a toilet cubicle, not in the way she seems to want to.

 

[sr71plt]

If you meant to suggest i should explain more about her motivations here- then i agree.

I most definitely didn't mean that. A fetish just "is." I see no reason to push to have a motivation for it. Perhaps that's an issue in your story--that there would be evidence that there's a psychological reason behind the fetish.

The public sex fetish possibility wasn't fully established. She was in a cubicle in a toilet and acted like she thought she would be alone. In public should mean that people can see her but can't see what she's doing in the way of sex. (And you didn't convince Penn Lady that what she was doing in the cubicle at anything to do with sex).

Spanking was too subordinate in the sex scene to make it a fetish for either the guy or her--it was only a part of what they did, and not particularly emphasized.

The suggestion for putting it in "Erotic Coupling" probably results from not highlighting a fetish enough.

 

[sr71plt]

I'm sorry tickle, this forum has been taken over by the egotistical maniac scouries (ignore anything he posts - it's always lies) and sr who demands perfection from all and berates any comments that help newbies.

Your story is pretty good. I will try to comment today but,if not, tomorrow. You should PM Laurel about the deterioration on this forum.

Hmmm, you didn't come back to give the promised comments. Could that be that you didn't intend to? That you were just using the OP as an opportunity to T off on me? Wouldn't that be disrespectful to Tickled . . . and, perhaps, you know, rather sleazy of you?

I think perhaps you should look in the mirror for evidence of that forum deterioriation agenda you are pushing.

 

[PennLady]

SR71 is right, you don't need to explain her motivations for the fetish, whatever it might be. You may want to go into more detail about how stifled she feels, or how she's constantly striving for approval and never getting it, but the fetish can just "be."

But yes, nothing in the story struck me as a fetish, if we take the definition as something that is psychologically necessary for the person to reach sexual satisfaction.

She went into the cubicle to dance, to get rid of the frustrations she felt with her father -- no sex there. She had sex with the guy for whatever reason and enjoyed the spanking, and presumably the chance of being caught; that may border on exhibitionism but to me it fits better under the EC category, as I said.

 

[ticklechambers]

Got what i need.

I most definitely didn't mean that. A fetish just "is." I see no reason to push to have a motivation for it.

Her motivations in regards to why she needed to dance in the toilet at work. Not her motivations for it to be a fetish. I never said anything specific about this. Just her general motivations.

. Spanking was too subordinate in the sex scene to make it a fetish for either the guy or her--it was only a part of what they did, and not particularly emphasized.

This all might be what you intended the story to say, but little of that came through. The spanking seemed like part of a silly game, not a fetish

yes- hence when I said, "Meh i guess i was wrong." Thank you for pointing it out again however I already agreed that my 'fetish' category choice was wrong.

. (And you didn't convince Penn Lady that what she was doing in the cubicle at anything to do with sex)..

This is because the fact that she was dancing in the toilet cubicle has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with psychology.

Nothing in that gave me a hint it was supposed to be a "metaphorical representation of her suppressed and confined desires. IE- the room she has within her life to be free is limited" as you put it.

Nothing gave you a HINT? haha, ok, well i'll see if anyone else felt this way. If so i'll go back and explicitly point out that the cubicle was small (assumed though?) so that people can clearly see the link between her physical surroundings and her emotional suppression. thanks.

I have to comment on Pennlady. I can't go without saying that you have a good way of making your criticisms honest, direct AND kind/empathetic. That's important in an editor. (not to say i appreciated the content of anyone else's ideas less ) I hope you are an editor on literotica

Anyway.... thanks all! I have what i need.