Discovery

[princesssuzanne]

Why is it that when we discover something in ourselves, we worry that those around us may not accept it?

Is it because it doesn't fit in with what it "normal"?

For that matter, what the hell is "normal"?

If I choose to go tell everyone that i am a submissive by nature, does that make me less of a person? Does that make me not worthy of their respect?

Is there something wrong with me because i need to give up control to another to have a sense of normalcy in my life?

Why is it that the world has these specific ideas of what is "normal" or "socially acceptable"?

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you choose to go tell everybody about your sex life, it makes you a disrespectful person. Boundaries; they aren't just a river in Egypt.

 

[princesssuzanne]

Isn't it just as disrespectful to deny a part of ourselves?

 

[YourCaptor]

Normal and socially acceptable behaviors are defined by a group, and serve to strengthen the group bond. It's instinct. You either work with the group or get cast out, very important to survival in a wild type situation.

It's all very, very deeply wired into your psychology. From the need to fit in and be accepted, to using a scapegoat, to us vs them mentality. Social information can even change perception of physical things.

No use in fighting it. I suggest you find some way of unifying the two. Maybe if possible find friends who can tie the two worlds together.

Also you can use this information to your advantage. If you are confident about your things and act like it's totally normal, nothing special at all, people will follow.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Isn't it just as disrespectful to deny a part of ourselves?

Are you worried about being honest with yourself, or are you looking for an excuse for exhibitionism?

Because believe me, I understand the desire to exhibit. But it's kinda... rude.

 

[princesssuzanne]

Are you worried about being honest with yourself, or are you looking for an excuse for exhibitionism?

Because believe me, I understand the desire to exhibit. But it's kinda... rude.

Being honest with myself. Exhibitionism never crossed my mind. We all live such short lives that it is sad when a person is not completely honest with themselves. Or that is what I like to believe anyway.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

You don't have to stand on a street corner and broadcast your news to be honest with yourself.

I only have one friend who knows of my proclivities, and I'm completely fine with me.

But then, I also would go blabbing about my personal life to all and everyone, no matter which way it operated.

 

[princesssuzanne]

You don't have to stand on a street corner and broadcast your news to be honest with yourself.

I only have one friend who knows of my proclivities, and I'm completely fine with me.

But then, I also would go blabbing about my personal life to all and everyone, no matter which way it operated.

I understand that. I don't want scream it out on the street corner to every passerby. That could get me into a lot of trouble. It's more I wish to be more honest with my friends. I think if they truly love and care about me as much as they say they do, then it shouldn't matter what lifestyle I choose. After all, I still love them after all of their choices, both good and bad.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I understand that. I don't want scream it out on the street corner to every passerby. That could get me into a lot of trouble. It's more I wish to be more honest with my friends. I think if they truly love and care about me as much as they say they do, then it shouldn't matter what lifestyle I choose. After all, I still love them after all of their choices, both good and bad.

Absolutely, they should.

But remember, people tend to get turned off by things they don't understand.

 

[seela]

When I got into my first D/s relationship, I felt a big need to tell everybody about my identity and personality. It seemed like such a big part of who I am, that I felt I'd be "cheating" the people around me, if I didn't tell. In the end I didn't really tell anyone, and once the initial frenzy passed, I felt a little bit silly feeling the way I did earlier.

Because nothing had changed, really. My core personality was still the same it had always been. At first my friends and family did question, why I often checked with my boyfriend before making any plans with them and asked for his opinion and permission for things that they found very mundane, but eventually they just got used to it. When they asked something about it, I just told that our relationship is more of a traditional one and that is what makes us happy. And the people around me were more than happy to accept the answer and delighted to see me in a relationship that made me happy. I don't see much need to use the words submissive or dominant when describing my relationship to someone, but I still definitely do not feel like I'm hiding something.

Later on I have told a couple of friends about the D/s thing. One of them asked me straight on, if that's what's going on in my relationship and with the two others the topic just organically came up in a conversation. So no big, planned proclamations or "coming outs" for me.

The sex stuff is something I don't really talk about with anyone. I didn't talk about the details of my sex life before BDSM, I don't talk about them now. That's just not cool in my books.

 

[KoPilot]

Picking and choosing what you say to people isn't being dishonest with yourself. Lying is, though. And I don't think many of us had to outright lie about what was going on in our relationships to anyone? Or at least, anyone who wasn't over-stepping their boundaries in asking to begin with.

I am not less attracted to giant men because I choose not to tell hardly anyone. :B

 

[CutieMouse]

It's about balance, picking your battles, and knowing when it's worth it to speak up (or stay quiet).

Example -

Most people know I operate differently from "the norm". I don't broadcast my submission, but I don't shamefully hide it either. Almost 2 years ago, I made a new friend (through work), and we got in the habit of having dinner together every Sunday after work. Over the course of about 6 months, *after hearing her comment on D/s within her relationships*, I acknowledged it in my life. We didn't see eye to eye re: submission in a relationship, but I felt like she was a person I could trust with that particular information about my life.

Two months later, we had a falling out (I still don't understand/know exactly what she got upset about) - and she started spreading rumors about me at work. She exaggerated my views re: D/s, what I've done, what I'm willing to do, what I'm "into", etc. I work in a shop of 10 people, and she went to every single person and told them I'm a disgusting pervert with _____ fetishes. She even told my manager, who eventually had a very uncomfortable conversation with me - because my manager was concerned that my "fetishes" meant I didn't know how to appropriately interact with clients, and that I would allow "my fetishes" to interfere with my work. (BTW I approach submission from a service oriented perspective, and I'm in a specialized customer service heavy retail field - 4thQ of 2010 I was in the top 25% for sales company wide, and I have the highest repeat client business in the shop. LOL)

Lesson learned - my private life is private.

 

[intothewoods]

seela's post really resonates for me. At this point, there is just no reason to go into the details. I don't really feel a need to report to others what my husband decides -- I'll just say we decided to do this. If I need to check with him first before making a decision, I just say that or I'll get back to you.

I told more friends of mine about BDSM initially than I would if I had to do it over again. I don't think they meant or mean me any ill will, but the end result was that what to me felt like a fragile and precious moment of self discovery was essentially treated as something to giggle and gape over. What I've done since then is really close that topic to all but my closest friends and I'm comfortable with that boundary.

 

[graceanne]

Being honest with yourself and being honest with others is two different categories. You can be honest with yourself and dishonest with others.

That said, the question to ask yourself before you tell anyone is what could the consequences be and are you willing to face them? If you are, then go ahead.

Consequences would be things like the end of that relationship/friendship. Are you willing to risk losing that person as a friend? Other consequences are ones like the ones CM was talking about - can you afford to lose your job over this? No matter how much more mainstream we are, we are still considered by most to be nasty and perverts so with EVERY SINGLE person you tell you need to do a personal inventory and ask yourself the same question 'what is the absolute worst thing that could happen, and am I ready to accept those consequences'?

 

[JMohegan]

If I choose to go tell everyone that i am a submissive by nature, does that make me less of a person?

Assuming that you are female, wouldn't that make you someone who naturally fits in well in your "church run town?"

What denomination rules the show in rural Texas? Isn't it Southern Baptist?

 

[Cattypuss]

Being honest with myself. Exhibitionism never crossed my mind. We all live such short lives that it is sad when a person is not completely honest with themselves. Or that is what I like to believe anyway.

I am honest with myself - honest about what my sexual proclivities are, honest about who I am, honest about what type of cheese is my favourite, honest about what shape I like to file my toenails in, honest about what goes through my head when it's 3 a.m. and I can't sleep.

Do I need to tell others all these details about myself? No. Does that make me less honest with myself? Hell no.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Isn't it just as disrespectful to deny a part of ourselves?

There is a huge difference between denying a part of yourself and choosing to disclose your personal life to everyone, including those who do not wish to know. Really, most people do not go around telling friends and strangers what position they had sex in last night, what the size of their or their partners genitals are, how many times a week they have sex, and their complete medical history in detail.....same thing in a way. Being disrespectful IMO and in this situation is assuming others want to know without consideration as to what it might trigger for them or how they may feel about it and you. If you are seeking acceptance, maybe it is good to realise no-one is accepted by everyone, so you do not need to measure your own sense of self by whether someone accepts you and your choices or not.

Catalina

 

[NomadLady]

There is a big difference in acknowledging your own sexual identity and accepting it, versus blabbing it to all your friends.

Great example....my only real close female friend and I were having dinner this weekend and she asked why I wasn't playing Farmville on Facebook any longer and I got her laptop and showed her this website. We have had very frank sexual discussions in the past and we have been friends for a very long time.
However...when I was showing her around this site, I came the the BDSM thread about "favorite BDSM photos" and scanned down the page through some of the postings. She quickly uttered "that is so disgusting!!!"

As I said, we have shared many, many discussions about partners, experiences, etc in the past but I do not discuss some things with her. Vanilla sex is fine in her idea, and she is about 15 years older than me but I was a little taken aback by her reaction to just a few bondage photos.

I agree with other people posting here that ignorance of a topic should not lead one to judgement but trust me...it does.

 

[JMohegan]

My friends would think playing Farmville on Facebook is a fuckload weirder than anything sexual I've ever disclosed.

I've disclosed the broad outline (pain and power), though not the intimate details (which I consider to be, you know, intimate, and therefore private.)

I understand the urge to discuss this. Not with my elderly neighbor or with co-workers, but with friends. I'm not a hide-in-the-closet kind of guy, and I can discuss control and sadism without getting graphic about it.

People unfamiliar with kink tend to be repulsed at first, it's true. But I find that building on a common connection, an aspect of their sexuality or relationship structure that can be identified as control or hurts-so-good, helps them accept the general notion. Because once you've established that connection, it just becomes a matter of scale.

 

[NomadLady]

My friends would think playing Farmville on Facebook is a fuckload weirder than anything sexual I've ever disclosed.

I've disclosed the broad outline (pain and power), though not the intimate details (which I consider to be, you know, intimate, and therefore private.)

I understand the urge to discuss this. Not with my elderly neighbor or with co-workers, but with friends. I'm not a hide-in-the-closet kind of guy, and I can discuss control and sadism without getting graphic about it.

People unfamiliar with kink tend to be repulsed at first, it's true. But I find that building on a common connection, an aspect of their sexuality or relationship structure that can be identified as control or hurts-so-good, helps them accept the general notion. Because once you've established that connection, it just becomes a matter of scale.

I understand your thoughts JMohegan but this friend and I disagree on even the most basic sexual idea so it wasn't such a shock that she was disgusted. I've never gotten graphic and after her reaction I doubt sexual discussions of even a vanilla nature will happen again in the future. I do get tired of her complaining about not having a sex life when she doesn't do anything about "not" having one.

 

[princesssuzanne]

So... I had a conversation with my best friend tonight. When I say best friend, I mean best friend. Like our birthdays are the same day, month, and year. I am only older by a few hours but it has become sort of a running joke between us.

Anyways so I just talked with her about BDSM and like NomadLady did with her friend, I showed her some pictures because she was a little curious. She thought it was all very beautiful and as long as I am happy and safe then she accepts it. I knew I picked her as my best friend for a reason. She is also a lesbian and when she tried to come out to me and I just told that I already knew. I love her very much and I think all of these weird wacky journeys that life takes us on together only serves to bring us closer.

 

[seela]

I'm really glad to hear your friend took it well, PS!!

NomadLady wrote about her friend, who was utterly disgusted by bondage and the pictures she showed her. It got me wondering, if people are more repulsed by the kinky sex acts than the actual power exchange that happens.

I'm of the younger demographic myself and even though I don't really discuss sex in much detail with my friends, I'm 99% sure that bondage, spanking, toys, wax etc. would be more accepted than submission and domination. Those kinds of "kinky" things aren't really seen as anything too special anymore, IMO. Power exchange, especially if it's not a bedroom only thing, wouldn't go over so well with the majority of them.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm really glad to hear your friend took it well, PS!!

NomadLady wrote about her friend, who was utterly disgusted by bondage and the pictures she showed her. It got me wondering, if people are more repulsed by the kinky sex acts than the actual power exchange that happens.

I'm of the younger demographic myself and even though I don't really discuss sex in much detail with my friends, I'm 99% sure that bondage, spanking, toys, wax etc. would be more accepted than submission and domination. Those kinds of "kinky" things aren't really seen as anything too special anymore, IMO. Power exchange, especially if it's not a bedroom only thing, wouldn't go over so well with the majority of them.

I'm of the 52 year old demographic, but have always found less acceptance for the control aspect than the kink.

You're asking a good question, though. And why I asked the OP about her situation in rural Texas. She has said she lives in a "church run town," and is female with a male partner. If the town is Southern Baptist, then presumably the submission aspect is not just accepted, but even expected.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm really glad to hear your friend took it well, PS!!

NomadLady wrote about her friend, who was utterly disgusted by bondage and the pictures she showed her. It got me wondering, if people are more repulsed by the kinky sex acts than the actual power exchange that happens.

I'm of the younger demographic myself and even though I don't really discuss sex in much detail with my friends, I'm 99% sure that bondage, spanking, toys, wax etc. would be more accepted than submission and domination. Those kinds of "kinky" things aren't really seen as anything too special anymore, IMO. Power exchange, especially if it's not a bedroom only thing, wouldn't go over so well with the majority of them.

that's pretty much been my experience when dealing with anyone say, under 45. if i were to confess to being into some slap and tickle, or even to "playing" submissive in the bedroom, no one would care. but if i were to confess that i'm in a relationship where i am considered property and have no authority, those people would freak. i lost someone who i had thought to be a best friend over just that...they knew nothing whatsoever about my sex life, but knew only that i was now in a relationship where i was heavily controlled. she rejected me completely and it was a rude shock. after that however i became a better judge of where i could find acceptance, and where i couldn't. i would not have those in my life who would not accept me as i am. as it turns out, i've found a great deal of acceptance in the vanilla world, especially with those of older generations. my Master's parents...religious, very conservative folk...feel that i'm a shining example of what a woman should be. at least someone thinks so, lol.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... Power exchange, especially if it's not a bedroom only thing, wouldn't go over so well with the majority of them.

See the first note to JM's post, below.

.... but have always found less acceptance for the control aspect than the kink.

You're asking a good question, though. And why I asked the OP about her situation in rural Texas. She has said she lives in a "church run town," and is female with a male partner. If the town is Southern Baptist, then presumably the submission aspect is not just accepted, but even expected.

First bolded section: Absolute agreement, especially since the Women's Lib movement essentially won the war.

Second bolded section: If you'll allow me, JM, I'll make one tiny addition/clarification: "... expected, to some extent." Having lived among Southern Baptists a goodly portion of my adult life, I would agree that their ethos greatly favors a D/s mindset (M/f, of course!), but that all but the most dogmatic might find a M/s relationship, if not beyond the pale, at least fast approaching the edge of the cliff.

that's pretty much been my experience when dealing with anyone say, under 45. if i were to confess to being into some slap and tickle, or even to "playing" submissive in the bedroom, no one would care. but if i were to confess that i'm in a relationship where i am considered property and have no authority, those people would freak.

Especially in an area that's not quite as "conservative" as parts of the Bible Belt South. In some of *those* areas, though, many people would just look at you and say, "Damn, you mean some of you Yankees actually understand how thangs are s'posed ta be?"