Lesbian Vampire Fan Fiction

[LizzyDark]

This is my first erotica story. It's more on the romance/story side of the scale than on the pure erotica/smut side. I also wanted to make it funny or at least clever and entertaining, as well as hot. I borrowed the characters from a friend's book, so I'm not their originator, but hope I did them justice. I did run it through the volunteer editor program and had a good experience and a very positive response.

As the thread title says, it's lesbian with paranormal. A couple gets locked in a haunted house on Halloween, so there's some costume and romance/relationship stuff as well.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=510979

Any thoughts would be great, cheers!

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

Really nice story, Lizzy.

It's one of those stories in which you know sex is inevitable, but there are obstacles and twists along the way - which build up the erotic tension.

I enjoyed all the quirky details and the unusualness of the situation - which, although a fantasy scenario, made it all more realistic and believable.

I also liked the sensuousness of the appeal to the senses - for the example, the nice detail about the way Brianna smells - made it more vivid, as if I was in the scene myself.

In terms of the actual sex, the description of Cami's orgasm was wonderful.

 

[LizzyDark]

Really nice story, Lizzy.

It's one of those stories in which you know sex is inevitable, but there are obstacles and twists along the way - which build up the erotic tension.

I enjoyed all the quirky details and the unusualness of the situation - which, although a fantasy scenario, made it all more realistic and believable.

I also liked the sensuousness of the appeal to the senses - for the example, the nice detail about the way Brianna smells - made it more vivid, as if I was in the scene myself.

In terms of the actual sex, the description of Cami's orgasm was wonderful.

Thanks! I'm definitely more toward the side of writing for a female audience and with story in mind.

 

[Fatwa_Morgana]

I liked it! "Carbuncle" indeed! LOL!!! Morgana

 

[LizzyDark]

I liked it! "Carbuncle" indeed! LOL!!! Morgana

Thank you! I'll have to check out some of your stories too. They look like they'd be up my alley.

 

[PacoFear]

Dark, twisty, naughty, and fun

Hiya Lizzy,

I'm a sucker for a good vampy story and I'm glad I popped in to read yours. Nicely done!

From the start, I could see you have a boatload of imagination. Your first paragraph serves up a schizophrenic vampire who's not entirely sure of herself, an actual interracial lesbian relationship, and a quirky third character concept, the AGBFF. I liked your characters and the dynamics between them. Brianna and Cami smolder in a friendly, lusty way. And the wisecracking Barry and Melvin show promise as entertaining sidelines.

I agree with Julie's comment about your eye for detail, particularly smell. I loved the lemon poppy-seed muffin bit. Too often, I think scent is left out of the mix. Amateur smut authors seem to remember it only as an afterthought and then just as a trite throwaway observation like "the smell of her musk filled the room/my nose." You've got a good eye for detail.

You might want to consider shrinking the size of your paragraphs by breaking them up. Conventional wisdom around these parts is that it's harder to read large paragraphs on a rolling backlit screen. Smaller paragraphs can also make a story feel like it's reading quicker.

Your grammarlies are solid too, which helps because readers like me can focus on your story rather than your language. You do have two writing quirks that caught my eye though. I want to point them out only so that you can see them in the mirror. Do with them what you will.

Subordinate clauses of the "who" variety and the "with" variety. Examples below.

Cami, who had been having fewer and fewer crazy episodes as of late, felt optimistic about Halloween despite the possible catastrophic mixing of schizophrenia and costumes.

It was her first Halloween with her long distance girlfriend, Brianna, who would be driving down from New York for the occasion, as Cami had driven up for most other holidays to that point; being the only vampire in the relationship, it did only seem fitting that Cami be the one to decide on how they celebrated all hallows eve.

Cami took the advice, and tape, from Melvin successfully anchoring the backside of her costume to her own backside. With her golden bracers in place, her lasso on her hip, and headband holding back her shoulder-length black hair, she felt as ready as she could. Without a reflection in the mirror, she couldn't be sure if she looked properly wondrous, but her two demons said she looked like a slutty American flag, which was precisely what she was going for. Cami finished applying her blood-red lipstick when the doorbell rang.

With a quick jog down the stairs, she flung the front door open to find Brianna on the steps dressed in what looked like a highly-impractical leather, armored dress.

The other quirk is leading off with participial phrases. Examples below.

Being a Napoleonic era vampire, with tastes in clothing toward the flamboyant, Lewis knew all of the best costume shops that were period accurate and open after dark.

Putting the costume on at home, alone, on Halloween night, Cami began to see the source of Lewis's many complaints with the plan.

Taking Brianna by the hand, she knocked on the door with a resounding echo following as if she'd banged on an entirely empty drum. A small, wooden slat in the door slid open.

I took these quirks as signs that you have a lot of good stuff that you want to tell me and you're trying your best to get it all to me as quickly as possible. It's a matter of style, but you might find that shorter, less complex sentences can sometimes convey information more quickly.

All in all, I'm amazed this is your first effort. You've got the touch, girlie, and you're off to a killer start—lightyears ahead of my stumbling first attempts, anyways. If nobody has said it to you yet, let me be the first: More please.

Cheers,

Paco

 

[LizzyDark]

From my creative writing classes/workshops/writing groups I have noticed most male writers in the groups tend to work in short, clipped sentences, breaking up information into individual bites. I really prefer using left branching, mid branching, and right branching sentences to create longer, flowing descriptions or actions. As stylistic approaches go, I've seen both work, but I have noticed a bit of a gender divide, which I always thought was interesting, especially when thinking of someone like Raymond Carver who wrote sentences that would run for pages. Recent male writers though really do seem to prefer the quick, short sentences in rapid fire.

 

[PacoFear]

From my creative writing classes/workshops/writing groups I have noticed most male writers in the groups tend to work in short, clipped sentences, breaking up information into individual bites. I really prefer using left branching, mid branching, and right branching sentences to create longer, flowing descriptions or actions. As stylistic approaches go, I've seen both work, but I have noticed a bit of a gender divide, which I always thought was interesting, especially when thinking of someone like Raymond Carver who wrote sentences that would run for pages. Recent male writers though really do seem to prefer the quick, short sentences in rapid fire.

Hey, sexist! But probably, well, true.

For me, it's a matter of pacing as much as anything else. Long, languid sentences make for flowy descriptive portions, but can detract from segments whose focus is on action. If the verb is what counts, no sense making a reader dig for it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for your little red 'H'.

-Paco

 

[LizzyDark]

Hey, sexist! But probably, well, true.

For me, it's a matter of pacing as much as anything else. Long, languid sentences make for flowy descriptive portions, but can detract from segments whose focus is on action. If the verb is what counts, no sense making a reader dig for it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for your little red 'H'.

-Paco

Thanks, Paco--here's hoping!