Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

Hey ole friend!

Who are you calling old?

 

[kayte]

roflmbo

Good afternoon {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

I'm glad you enjoyed those. I really got a kick out of the cabbie one! Hope you are keeping safe and warm. We are getting some sun this afternoon. That does cheer things up.

 

[ga400us]

Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[kayte]

Men Are Just Happier People

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Thank you {{{{{GA}}}}}}

I do find that very funny and in many ways so very true. Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Have a Happy New Year.

 

[kayte]

Things You Can Only Say At The Holidays

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change. (Or vice versa.)
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it n?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
19. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
20. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

 

[kayte]

For all of the people in upstate NY and other places out that way right now.

Winter Migration

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

 

[done_got_old]

The South - You Gotta Love It!!!


Alabama


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!”


Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
The University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."


Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the
civilized world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

South Carolina

The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out his pick- up
truck into the ditch.

The Sheriff Asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you
see that sign over your head?

"Yep" he replied. "That's Why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says
"Fine for Dumping Garbage".

 

[ga400us]

Thank you {{{{{GA}}}}}}

I do find that very funny and in many ways so very true. Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Have a Happy New Year.

You are welcome. And yes, the true stuff is the funniest sometimes! I hope your Christmas was very Merry as well, and best wishes for the New Year.

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[ga400us]

Things You Can Only Say At The Holidays

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

Just a little bit?!

Love it! Thank you kayte

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

 

[ga400us]

The South - You Gotta Love It!!!

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
The University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

Must be a UGA graduate.

Thanks for sharing these DGO. Merry Christmas

 

[ga400us]

For all of the people in upstate NY and other places out that way right now.

Winter Migration

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Smart old birds!

 

[kayte]

The South - You Gotta Love It!!!


Alabama


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!”


Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
The University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."


Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the
civilized world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

South Carolina

The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out his pick- up
truck into the ditch.

The Sheriff Asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you
see that sign over your head?

"Yep" he replied. "That's Why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says
"Fine for Dumping Garbage".

Happy New Year {{{{{{DGO}}}}}

These are great, thank you. Sending a copy to my folks in NC

 

[kayte]

You are welcome. And yes, the true stuff is the funniest sometimes! I hope your Christmas was very Merry as well, and best wishes for the New Year.

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

Just a little bit?!

Love it! Thank you kayte

{{{{{kayte}}}}}

Smart old birds!

Happy New Year {{{{{{GA}}}}}

My Christmas and New Years' have been grand thank you. Hope yours were the same.

We had temps near 50 yesterday. Today it is in the 20s... Oh well it is January now and I am in WI. Guess we had our thaw early this time.

 

[settledseas]

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up
on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....












On the couch.....


























Naked.

 

[kayte]

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up
on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....












On the couch.....


























Naked.

ROTFLMAO!

 

[done_got_old]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors perated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon …from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

 

[RocknRolla86]

Bridge is like sex. You need to have a good partner or a good hand.

 

[ga400us]

I just got off the phone with friend in northern Minnesota.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing, and his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all morning.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[ga400us]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors perated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon …from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

ROFLMAO!!! Thanks DGO

 

[ga400us]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[ga400us]

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. She sits next to Harold and they strike up a conversation and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it for him.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

This had been going on for several weeks, when one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing swine! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's!

 

[PolyLvr]

These jokes are politically incorrect. If you are easily offended, don't read them.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

 

[kayte]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors perated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon …from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

That was has me ROTFLMAO

 

[kayte]

Bridge is like sex. You need to have a good partner or a good hand.

Hi Rockn ~ That is great! Thanks for sharing.

 

[kayte]

I just got off the phone with friend in northern Minnesota.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing, and his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all morning.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Good evening {{{{{ga}}}}} Now that gave me quite a visual! Thanks for the grin and giggle.