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Laughter is Contagious

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Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays."

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too.

"So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?"

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

"What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.

"They're Carol's."
 
Woodpeckers

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
 
Woodpecker joke is great ! I'm definitely going to remember that one - Reminded me of this old one. Probably been posted, but I always liked it:


A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger’s astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime.

The Judge asked the man, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes, I do, Judge,” replied the man, “but if you will let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

“You may proceed.”

“I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything real to eat for two weeks,” the man explained. “I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought ‘if I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.’ Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

The Judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant’s testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

“Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.” The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it’s a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl.”
 
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
 
In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”
 
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"
 
TGIF ABS ~ Thank you for all of the jokes they are marvelous! :D Hope you are having a fabulous Friday. Have a wonderful weekend too. :)
 
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you..."
 
Actual Headlines

1. March Planned For Next August.
2. Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip.
3. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped.
4. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
5. Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice.
6. Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy.
7. 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar.
8. War Dims Hope For Peace.
9. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While.
10. Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years.
11. Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation.
12. Lucky Man Sees Pals Die.
13. New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex.
14. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope.
15. Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position.
 
Snow is like a willy Its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it, and never gets as deep as you want it.
Driving in snow is like eating pussy, if you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you, be careful this winter:D
 
mickyp123 said:
Snow is like a willy Its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it, and never gets as deep as you want it.
Driving in snow is like eating pussy, if you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you, be careful this winter:D
Click to expand...

Hi micky ~ That is great! Thank you. :D

How are things going for you, with all of the snow I've heard you guys are getting?
 
1. Bravery

A couple walked into a dentist's office.
The man told the dentist, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect."
The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic."
The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!"

2. Congratulations!

Overheard in the next cubicle: "Ted got promoted, so I'm collecting money to buy him a cake."
"What? Now he'll be grossly overcompensated compared with the rest of us. Buying him a cake only exasperates the unfairness!"
There was a pause.
"Did you know he has high cholesterol?"
"Here's my dollar!"
 
A blonde was tired of being made fun of, so she dyed her hair brown.

Sometime later, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer with his flock of sheep and thought, "Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out, walked over to the farmer, and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock, then guessed, "157."

The farmer was stunned - she was right! So the faux brunette selected one and got back into her car, but before she could leave, the farmer walked up to her and said, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

******************************************************

There where three blonde women that wanted to be police officers, so they went to the police station to interview for a job, and were given an aptitude test. To start, an officer brought in the first blonde, showed her a profile picture of a suspect, then asked her what she could tell about the suspect in the photo. The blonde said, "well, he must be half blind since he only has one eye." The officer responded, "no, that it is a side photo."

The next blonde came in, was given the same question, and said, "well, he must be hard of hearing because he only has one ear." The frustrated officer replied, "no!!! it is a side photo!!!!" and ushered her out as well.

Finally, it was the last blonde's turn. She went into the room, looked at the photo, and said, "well, I believe that the suspect wears contacts." The interrogator responded, "hmm, I'm going to have to check on that." He left, then came back and said, "wow, how did you know the suspect wore contacts?" The third blonde replied, "well, it sure would be hard to buy glasses if you only have one eye and one ear!"

******************************************************

An unemployed blonde was getting fairly desperate for money, so she went to the exclusive part of town to try to get a job as a handywoman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted. How much would you charge?" The blonde said she felt $50 was fair. The man replied, "Great! The ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."

When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation, asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."

About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rang again, and the man was surprised to find the blonde there. She told him that she was done, and stated that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man was reaching into his wallet to pay her, the blonde said, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche—it's a Ferrari."
 
1. Shopping Early

The judge was in the holiday spirit when he asked the prisoner, "And what are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "Just how early were you?"
The prisoner replied, "Before the store opened!"

2. How A Xmas Tradition Began

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the cider pot, breaking it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and there was a little angel with a great big Xmas tree.
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.
 
kayte said:
The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to sick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Xmas tree.
Click to expand...

I love it!

Merry Christmas! May your tree be stuck in your preferred places!
 
1. Late Night Lecture

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?“
That would be my wife”, comes the reply.

2. Aussie Non-PC Humor

"As I was watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently, I saw a sign on a cab that said: 'English-speaking taxi driver'.
"I thought, what a bloody great idea! Why don't we have them in our country?"
 
Why was the snowman so happy?
...he heard the snow blower was coming.

Why do men love women in leather?
...because they smell like new cars.

:D
 
SJZ76 said:
Why was the snowman so happy?
...he heard the snow blower was coming.

Why do men love women in leather?
...because they smell like new cars.

:D
Click to expand...

Hi SJ ~ Those are wonderful. :D Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Have a Happy New Year too.
 
kayte said:
1. Late Night Lecture

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?“
That would be my wife”, comes the reply.

2. Aussie Non-PC Humor

"As I was watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently, I saw a sign on a cab that said: 'English-speaking taxi driver'.
"I thought, what a bloody great idea! Why don't we have them in our country?"
Click to expand...

roflmbo
 
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