Ok, so I'm having an issue.. need Dom/Me advice.

[Betticus]

Ok, I have the new submissive.. it's kind of a need thing on both sides as she's been a close friend for around seven years and we've both been self destructing with poor life choices. Her more so than me and I was afraid she was going to hurt herself.

When I took her, I didn't give her a choice it was be my submissive or else she'd never see me again because I didn't want to watch her go down.

Anyway, the change in our relationship has seemed to have opened up that part of me where I've kept my dark side suppressed since I was young and that part is coming out in odd ways. I've been having dreams about her, the last one was so real I was really thrown off when I woke up.

In the last dream she was tied, it was hot and dark like candle light and I'd been working her over with implements, hands, voice, etc.. pulled her head back by her hair and looked into her eyes. They were solid black, she was deep inside herself and it made me feel a surge of overwhelming power but it was like I could feel her inside herself just floating and feeling like someone cares enough to hold her like this. I felt almost godlike...

Anyway, my concern is that this part of me has been suppressed for so long that it might come out in dangerous or unexpected ways or that I may fuck up and fall for her which I don't want to do. I just want to help her by fulfilling the Dom role she is missing in her life and in turn put myself fully back together without fucking it up.

Is this normal?

 

[lovebound]

Not that I feel like I have anything insightful to say... but can you dom someone without caring for them?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I don't know, although it sounds vaguely familiar, like an almost co-dependent type danger that for some reason I have a feeling there's a "normal relationship" analog to but my brain can't quite remember the particular details so I can't communicate it very well >< But it sounds like a fine line for you both to tread. I hope you can walk it, because it sounds to me like the crash will be kind of hard if you misstep. Good luck

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't know B, but in my experience the only way anyone fixes themselves is to do it themselves. To do that they have to want to. When you depend on another person, or something else, albeit substance abuse, food etc., at some point it all comes unravelled and not only are the original issues still there, but a few othes to boot. It would be a shame to stuff up a long and good relationship through this experiment. Have to admit it also doesn;t bode well to have built the new relationship on an ultimatum you gave someone who was already vulnerable. You have enough going for you to be able to find a submissive without resorting to manipulation and emotional blackmail...not to mention it also isn't a good basis for a D/s relationship, especially one invloving 2 people who already have issues. Good luck either way, but be very careful if you are going to continue as you could do more harm than good.

Catalina

 

[NomadLady]

Ok, I have the new submissive.. it's kind of a need thing on both sides as she's been a close friend for around seven years and we've both been self destructing with poor life choices. Her more so than me and I was afraid she was going to hurt herself.

When I took her, I didn't give her a choice it was be my submissive or else she'd never see me again because I didn't want to watch her go down.

Anyway, the change in our relationship has seemed to have opened up that part of me where I've kept my dark side suppressed since I was young and that part is coming out in odd ways. I've been having dreams about her, the last one was so real I was really thrown off when I woke up.

In the last dream she was tied, it was hot and dark like candle light and I'd been working her over with implements, hands, voice, etc.. pulled her head back by her hair and looked into her eyes. They were solid black, she was deep inside herself and it made me feel a surge of overwhelming power but it was like I could feel her inside herself just floating and feeling like someone cares enough to hold her like this. I felt almost godlike...

Anyway, my concern is that this part of me has been suppressed for so long that it might come out in dangerous or unexpected ways or that I may fuck up and fall for her which I don't want to do. I just want to help her by fulfilling the Dom role she is missing in her life and in turn put myself fully back together without fucking it up.

Is this normal?

You've known her for seven years and care enough about her to try and help prevent her further downfall. I'd be careful because it seems as though you both are on curvy, dangerous road with this new added dimension to your relationship.
Good Luck

 

[YourCaptor]

Maybe she should see a therapist, and one of those life coaches that teaches how to control yourself.

As for damaging her, for me I can feel a line when I'm in the moment, and I don't fuck with it cause I know once crosses theres no return. Don't worry about dreams, my dreams are crazy as shit but nothing like them will ever happen in life.

 

[lovebound]

Maybe she should see a therapist, and one of those life coaches that teaches how to control yourself.

As for damaging her, for me I can feel a line when I'm in the moment, and I don't fuck with it cause I know once crosses theres no return. Don't worry about dreams, my dreams are crazy as shit but nothing like them will ever happen in life.

/plug

There's a dreams thread

/end plug

 

[CutieMouse]

Ok, I have the new submissive.. it's kind of a need thing on both sides as she's been a close friend for around seven years and we've both been self destructing with poor life choices. Her more so than me and I was afraid she was going to hurt herself.

When I took her, I didn't give her a choice it was be my submissive or else she'd never see me again because I didn't want to watch her go down.

<snip>

Anyway, my concern is that this part of me has been suppressed for so long that it might come out in dangerous or unexpected ways or that I may fuck up and fall for her which I don't want to do. I just want to help her by fulfilling the Dom role she is missing in her life and in turn put myself fully back together without fucking it up.

Is this normal?

The bolded bit up there? That isn't "not giving her a choice" to be your submissive, it's setting a healthy boundary. As in "pull your shit together (with professional help if necessary) and stop floundering, or I'm done." One could even argue that what you're doing has nothing to do with D/s, because even you admit there was no true consent involved [more like emotional blackmail]. She isn't "missing a Dom role" in her life, she's making bad decisions/not being a functioning adult; you aren't fulfilling the "dom role" in her life, you're playing the white knight game.

Bett, sweetie, if I remember correctly you kinda sorta have a history of swooping in and trying to rescue toxic women who end up sucking you dry. I don't know the woman, but I'd lay good odds on that happening here too, under the guise of "... but see I'll Dom her into functionality and she'll do blah blah blah [insert circular logic here], and we'll both be better for it!"

I'd advise you to make your first/last/only act of "dominance" to be getting her into therapy so she can work on herself, for herself, and both of you go back to being friends who love and support one another.

 

[Betticus]

I seem to have had a bit of a yo-yo effect with this that has settled down quite a bit. As for giving her no choice she said she'd be my sub and we did set limits. We're going to go very slowly, make one change at a time and then see how it effects us and talk about it before going further. The only real change we've made so far is to put the label on it as a D/s relationship and that alone has already improved things for us both. We're able to communicate much more smoothly and honestly now which is good.

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

 

[lovebound]

I seem to have had a bit of a yo-yo effect with this that has settled down quite a bit. As for giving her no choice she said she'd be my sub and we did set limits. We're going to go very slowly, make one change at a time and then see how it effects us and talk about it before going further. The only real change we've made so far is to put the label on it as a D/s relationship and that alone has already improved things for us both. We're able to communicate much more smoothly and honestly now which is good.

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

I wish more power to you both

 

[YourCaptor]

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

Don't you think this is something for the professionals?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Don't you think this is something for the professionals?

I do.

 

[SimonBrooke]

In the last dream she was tied, it was hot and dark like candle light and I'd been working her over with implements, hands, voice, etc.. pulled her head back by her hair and looked into her eyes. They were solid black, she was deep inside herself and it made me feel a surge of overwhelming power but it was like I could feel her inside herself just floating and feeling like someone cares enough to hold her like this. I felt almost godlike...

Anyway, my concern is that this part of me has been suppressed for so long that it might come out in dangerous or unexpected ways or that I may fuck up and fall for her which I don't want to do. I just want to help her by fulfilling the Dom role she is missing in her life and in turn put myself fully back together without fucking it up.

Is this normal?

I think it's called LURVE, Bett. Seriously. When I get those sort of feelings for someone (which isn't often!) it's a deep connection. Go with it, and trust yourself. Don't bother about being a 'perfect Dom', be perfectly yourself. I do not believe that you will damage her - hurt her yes, maybe, in physical ways, but not damage her.

 

[SimonBrooke]

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

Good luck.

That one's a toughie.

I wish you both well.

 

[NomadLady]

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

I don't think I'd try to tackle something this "major" without professional guidance. Good luck!

 

[Betticus]

Stunningly, she hasn't needed any support to quit drinking. Just needed a dom to tell her to quit. Also, the or else I gave her seemed to give her incentive.

 

[NomadLady]

Stunningly, she hasn't needed any support to quit drinking. Just needed a dom to tell her to quit. Also, the or else I gave her seemed to give her incentive.

Congratulations on the progess so far!!!!!!

 

[RJMasters]

Some just need a solid wall to run into to know that there are limits in the universe.

Being the wall is a big reponsibility.

Just know you made a commitment and we're not talking monoply money here.

I think Cat said it best in her post.

Its great that you are srong enough to be there for her to maybe pull her back from the brink, but what need fixing is why she was on the brink to begin with. It takes more than a wall to do that.

As to your resurgance of domly utopia. I think part of your domliness is wrapped in the protector role, which tends to be natural enough. With responsibility come power and control and helping someone makes it all have a nobility element added to it. Because your Domly side is wired into your sexuality, its also natural that your feelings are going to reflect that.

The danger and any confusion you might have is due to the crossover and feedback the protector role has played in activating your domly characteristics which is closely tied to your sexuality.

Did I mention that I think Cat said it best in her post?

I'm glad things seem to be going on the right track, I hope things work out smoothly for you both.

 

[DVS]

I seem to have had a bit of a yo-yo effect with this that has settled down quite a bit. As for giving her no choice she said she'd be my sub and we did set limits. We're going to go very slowly, make one change at a time and then see how it effects us and talk about it before going further. The only real change we've made so far is to put the label on it as a D/s relationship and that alone has already improved things for us both. We're able to communicate much more smoothly and honestly now which is good.

The first major issue we're going to start working on is the substance abuse one.

*sigh*

Someone who dabbles in a substance can stop with little reaction from the lack of said substance. There is no physical dependence on the substance. Someone who partakes on a regular basis, doesn't feel "normal" without it, and suffers a physical reaction when they don't get it is a totally different thing.

Some so called addictions are really just a habit of convenience and when the social structure is changed, the habit diminishes. There isn't a physical dependence, although there can be a psychological dependence. While a psychological dependence can include a period of withdrawal, it can be accomplished without medication. It might feel like an addiction, but the dependence is mental. A change in lifestyle can be all that's necessary.

But, full scale addictions are very strong, both mentally and physically. While it's sometimes possible, quitting something cold turkey can be very difficult and not advised. Just the physical stress of withdrawal can be dangerous. Symptoms can include fever, throwing up/dry heaves, hallucinations, uncontrollable shaking/cold sweats and even convulsions. These addictions are best handled by professionals who can administer a drug to counter symptoms as well as monitor vital signs.

So, when you say you have a major issue of substance abuse to deal with, don't take it lightly.