Abuse in consentual nonconsent

[praefect]

I've had a recent learning experience. I broke my dynamic without realizing it. I had this bout with depression a while back, grief related, and I kind of let it have the better of me.

I ended up not showing real appreciation for a job well done.

And I came down like a ton of bricks for a job not well done.

A minute, a good girl, a pat on the head on one side, followed by withdrawal.

And hours worth of negative but powerful attention on the other.

CAN YOU NOT SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS? CAN YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

Is it then a surprise that she equated, somewhere in her unconscious mind, punishment as being a reward.

I broke the dynamic. I did not realizes it. I pointed at symptoms. I blamed her. I asked her to let us take a look at why we are not happy, expecting it to go back to her, but, she is a smart woman. She connected the dots, she painted a picture, and it was the truth. She showed me the error of my ways.

Communication hooray, and I am adapting. Going back to the roots. And the last week, it has been wonderful. It's almost like we are back to the new relationship energy before I had to deal with... some heavy stuff.

It's funny how fast that can happen, the unnoticed slide into something unhealthy. But it fits my current mental theme of being very observant of potential pitfalls. I am reading blogs from people with D/s themed relationships and saw that somewhere down the line something went wrong in some of them, too. Perhaps that, too, opened my eyes to my own situation. Seeing that others do not see.

In what I saw, there was no joy in it, no positive energy exchange. Just... power... and cruelty... and sadism... and all things bad made of evil and sad. Because of a trauma within the relationship, a job lost, a member gone, the relationship lost its balance, and the power exchange has become something to endure, rather than something that lifts the spirit.

I ask myself if I would notice it if I were inside it, when a total power exchange becomes abuse. Not just counterproductive and stressful, but actual soul harming abuse.

Consent being such a fragile thing, and so .... malleable. Consent alone is not enough, in my opinion. I was told once that there can be no abuse in a total power exchange, because consent has been given originally for everything that might follow. But that does not feel true as the one at the top of said power exchange. Maybe that is something a slave can say who trusts her Master. Nor is consent partnered with intent, because the roads to hell can be paved with the best of intentions.

I had good intentions. Faced with more and more acts of disobedience I contemplated measures drastic to crush what I considered to be a resistance to submission. She wants it, I want it, why can't she give, what must I do to take? Is what I do not strong enough, not strict enough, not harsh enough, not cruel enough? Am I not dom enough anymore?

It would have only made things worse.

I am thinking of the nature of abuse, and how to protect oneself from entering into it. I don't have any answers yet. I'm still very much in the process of letting things that I have experienced and read percolate in my subconscious.

But if you have thoughts or experiences to share on dynamics having gone bad I would be very interested to read about them.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Personally, I think you're being too hard on yourself. You are human first, dom second, and in my mind, she also has a duty to you to be mindful that you will not always be Perfect Dom, bad stuff happens in life, and that will alter how you are. If there was no D/s at all, would you not expect to see in times of hardship, partners treating each other less well than they would realistically want to, through grief and stress. This isnt in anyway abuse.

I'm sure the smarter posters will be along soon.

 

[sardoniclaugh]

Since the smarter posters aren't here yet, let me put my 2 bits in.
Without really knowing what's going on, I have no idea whether your situation constitutes abuse or not. The pieces of the puzzle you give are pretty vague and can add up to a whole lot of different things.
For example:
You say you had a bout of depression. You were grieving. You likely still are, if this post is any indication of your overall state of mind.
There was a problem with the dynamic between you and your sub.
She paints a picture with you at fault.
Since you're depressed, you're totally willing to accept fault. I know that I personally can connect the dots in such a way that I can blame myself for war, famine, disease and high fructose corn syrup, but the truth of the matter is that I'm only partly to blame for some of that stuff.
Maybe it is all your fault, maybe not, but I would make sure you're not adding 2+2 and getting 22, before you fall on your sword.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I see a similar problem in my entire family-- vanilla. We do well, nothing much gets said. Someone fucks up and there's hell to pay for days and days-- and I can't help noticing that somebody gets a lot of attention, however negative that may be, that they weren't getting before.

I've been trying consciously to encourage everyone to reverse this dynamic. It may take years, in fact.

 

[YourCaptor]

Spider man, great power, great responsibility. bla bla bla

You got to know what your doing, and keep yourself in line.

 

[praefect]

I see a similar problem in my entire family-- vanilla. We do well, nothing much gets said. Someone fucks up and there's hell to pay for days and days-- and I can't help noticing that somebody gets a lot of attention, however negative that may be, that they weren't getting before.

I've been trying consciously to encourage everyone to reverse this dynamic. It may take years, in fact.

Do they see that there is such a thing as a dynamic taking place? Awareness of the process, I think, may be very important to altering it.

And how do you make someone open their eyes to that. That's a topic I've dealt with for a while myself. I didn't find a shoe in because the person ... well, was kind of oblivious.

 

[praefect]

Spider man, great power, great responsibility. bla bla bla

You got to know what your doing, and keep yourself in line.

I like that word. Responsibility. I think there is some truth hidden in its construction. Response ability. The ability to respond.

 

[praefect]

Since the smarter posters aren't here yet, let me put my 2 bits in.
Without really knowing what's going on, I have no idea whether your situation constitutes abuse or not. The pieces of the puzzle you give are pretty vague and can add up to a whole lot of different things.
For example:
You say you had a bout of depression. You were grieving. You likely still are, if this post is any indication of your overall state of mind.
There was a problem with the dynamic between you and your sub.
She paints a picture with you at fault.
Since you're depressed, you're totally willing to accept fault. I know that I personally can connect the dots in such a way that I can blame myself for war, famine, disease and high fructose corn syrup, but the truth of the matter is that I'm only partly to blame for some of that stuff.
Maybe it is all your fault, maybe not, but I would make sure you're not adding 2+2 and getting 22, before you fall on your sword.

I'm not asking if what I did was abuse or not. It wasn't. It was counter productive and stressful. I'm simply using my example as an illustration of doing something without being aware of destructiveness.

And she was right, which can be shown demonstratively by me taking her advice making both of us a lot happier, the power exchange effortless, and beautiful.

But thank you for your perspective. It is appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Do they see that there is such a thing as a dynamic taking place? Awareness of the process, I think, may be very important to altering it.

And how do you make someone open their eyes to that. That's a topic I've dealt with for a while myself. I didn't find a shoe in because the person ... well, was kind of oblivious.

In my immediate family, I've tried to promote self-awareness-- of course that means I have to be self aware too, and it's not always easy or fun-- sometimes it isn't even good sense, when circumstances dictate that you just have to keep on going, and concentrating on yourself will cause you to stumble and falter, yanno?

last year I told the family that we should all make the new year's promise that we would pay each other the same kind of attention we pay the cats-- who revel in unconditional affection from all of us, liberally demonstrated.

And I have noticed more touching in simple affection between family members over this year. My partner and our daughter-- act like best friends, and are collaborating musically, instead of acting like pissant rivals.

 

[sardoniclaugh]

well, you can never quite tell how hypothetical things are. and it's good that things are working.

I'm not asking if what I did was abuse or not. It wasn't. It was counter productive and stressful. I'm simply using my example as an illustration of doing something without being aware of destructiveness.

And she was right, which can be shown demonstratively by me taking her advice making both of us a lot happier, the power exchange effortless, and beautiful.

But thank you for your perspective. It is appreciated.