The Isolated Blurt BDSM Thread

[Cattypuss]

Holy fuck

I think I just (via the magic of journaling, which I have only discovered in recent weeks) realised something really, REALLY important about how my mind works, that I should have realised about 30 years ago

I think this will be helpful for me and my depression. On all sorts of levels and in all sorts of ways

I wish he wasn't 2.5 hours' drive away today and not only that but I wish he wasn't giving a 3-hour lecture RIGHT NOW - I want to tell him cos I know he'll be really really pleased for me. And for us - my depression has been so severe lately that it's made his life miserable too.

Oh - and I wish he was here so I could give him a very tight hug and thank him for sticking by me and being so incredibly supportive through the blackest days and nights (well, months, to be exact).

 

[eastern sun]

The problem with sadists is that they hurt. Here we are, discussing relationships we have sought, welcomed, thrived in (for at least part of the time), and feel an intense need for, in which pain (physical/emotional/mental) will be a defining element.

If we seek pain from our partners, we have to have the internal stability to recover and/or maintain our well-being on our own. Sensitivity and after-care are incredibly important in developing trust. But one of the best things about this relationship of mine is that it has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

It's too much (in my experience) to expect pain-givers to be reliable caretakers over the long run. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are immature assholes, And doesn't mean they won't meet your needs. Or give you pleasure and security. It just means that they will frequently give you pain.

And it means that you have to know how to meet your own needs, in those moments when they are unable and/or unwilling to.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Holy fuck

I think I just (via the magic of journaling, which I have only discovered in recent weeks) realised something really, REALLY important about how my mind works, that I should have realised about 30 years ago

I think this will be helpful for me and my depression. On all sorts of levels and in all sorts of ways

I wish he wasn't 2.5 hours' drive away today and not only that but I wish he wasn't giving a 3-hour lecture RIGHT NOW - I want to tell him cos I know he'll be really really pleased for me. And for us - my depression has been so severe lately that it's made his life miserable too.

Oh - and I wish he was here so I could give him a very tight hug and thank him for sticking by me and being so incredibly supportive through the blackest days and nights (well, months, to be exact).

What did you realise, soft kitty?

 

[gypsy*seer]

In other news, WHY do I still lie to my ex to spare his feelings?

Because you are a kind person, lizzie. Sometimes kindness cannot be helped.
(That's my take on it anyway!)

Holy fuck

I think I just (via the magic of journaling, which I have only discovered in recent weeks) realised something really, REALLY important about how my mind works, that I should have realised about 30 years ago

I think this will be helpful for me and my depression. On all sorts of levels and in all sorts of ways

I wish he wasn't 2.5 hours' drive away today and not only that but I wish he wasn't giving a 3-hour lecture RIGHT NOW - I want to tell him cos I know he'll be really really pleased for me. And for us - my depression has been so severe lately that it's made his life miserable too.

Oh - and I wish he was here so I could give him a very tight hug and thank him for sticking by me and being so incredibly supportive through the blackest days and nights (well, months, to be exact).

I'm SO excited for your breakthrough, cp! Take some time to just sit, relax and be proud of yourself!

 

[Cattypuss]

Lizzie, what I've realised is that it doesn't matter that the way I was brought up led me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm unloveable and not deserving of the air I breathe or the space I take up on the face of the earth.

That when I look around me I see people everywhere who value me and who love my company - and they can't ALL be THAT wrong.

See - if I could have realised that at the age 13 (a year after my mum finally, utterly destroyed any sense of myself as worthwhile - long story involving me being sexually abused by a family acquaintance, telling her about it in floods of tears straight after the event and her not giving a SHIT about it - just telling me to go and have a shower and "suck it up" and then, when I said I was scared about walking past his house every day now, just telling me to basically grow a backbone)...


...where was I? Ah yes - if I could have realised that 30 years ago at the age of 13, my life would have been very, very different, I think.

I think and hope that finally realising it now (why did it take me so long? it's hardly rocket science) will change my life.

Edited to add - thanks, Gypsy!

 

[seela]

Why is it that my neighbors always have a horrendous taste in music?

 

[ecstaticsub]

The problem with sadists is that they hurt. Here we are, discussing relationships we have sought, welcomed, thrived in (for at least part of the time), and feel an intense need for, in which pain (physical/emotional/mental) will be a defining element.

If we seek pain from our partners, we have to have the internal stability to recover and/or maintain our well-being on our own. Sensitivity and after-care are incredibly important in developing trust. But one of the best things about this relationship of mine is that it has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

It's too much (in my experience) to expect pain-givers to be reliable caretakers over the long run. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are immature assholes, And doesn't mean they won't meet your needs. Or give you pleasure and security. It just means that they will frequently give you pain.

And it means that you have to know how to meet your own needs, in those moments when they are unable and/or unwilling to.

YES!! This needs to be quoted over and over again. This is something I personally need to remind myself of often.

Thank you!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Lizzie, what I've realised is that it doesn't matter that the way I was brought up led me to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm unloveable and not deserving of the air I breathe or the space I take up on the face of the earth.

That when I look around me I see people everywhere who value me and who love my company - and they can't ALL be THAT wrong.

See - if I could have realised that at the age 13 (a year after my mum finally, utterly destroyed any sense of myself as worthwhile - long story involving me being sexually abused by a family acquaintance, telling her about it in floods of tears straight after the event and her not giving a SHIT about it - just telling me to go and have a shower and "suck it up" and then, when I said I was scared about walking past his house every day now, just telling me to basically grow a backbone)...


...where was I? Ah yes - if I could have realised that 30 years ago at the age of 13, my life would have been very, very different, I think.

I think and hope that finally realising it now (why did it take me so long? it's hardly rocket science) will change my life.

Edited to add - thanks, Gypsy!

Shit. We could have just told you you were worth it kitty



But really, that's awesome. You deserve to know that and be happy.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Because you are a kind person, lizzie. Sometimes kindness cannot be helped.
(That's my take on it anyway!)

Thanks gypsy. I'm just gonna run with that!

 

[the captians wench]

The problem with sadists is that they hurt. Here we are, discussing relationships we have sought, welcomed, thrived in (for at least part of the time), and feel an intense need for, in which pain (physical/emotional/mental) will be a defining element.

If we seek pain from our partners, we have to have the internal stability to recover and/or maintain our well-being on our own. Sensitivity and after-care are incredibly important in developing trust. But one of the best things about this relationship of mine is that it has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

It's too much (in my experience) to expect pain-givers to be reliable caretakers over the long run. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are immature assholes, And doesn't mean they won't meet your needs. Or give you pleasure and security. It just means that they will frequently give you pain.

And it means that you have to know how to meet your own needs, in those moments when they are unable and/or unwilling to.

This makes so much sence, and yet every bone in my body just hardened against it. I feel an improper stubborn moment coming on.

 

[the captians wench]

I feel kind of sad this morning.

I had a dream about Jounar last night, but it was different than normal. I usually dream about us doing things together, in the same place, but this time was different. This time I drempt about talking to him on the phone. The whole time he was present in my dream was via phone. I don't like this.

I know it could be read as just my mind playing out our normal line of communication, but I feel like it's something more than that. In fact I'm pretty sure I know what it is because it's something that's been eating at me for months now.

I guess I'm going to have to have this settled. I don't like that.

 

[rida]

The problem with sadists is that they hurt. Here we are, discussing relationships we have sought, welcomed, thrived in (for at least part of the time), and feel an intense need for, in which pain (physical/emotional/mental) will be a defining element.

If we seek pain from our partners, we have to have the internal stability to recover and/or maintain our well-being on our own. Sensitivity and after-care are incredibly important in developing trust. But one of the best things about this relationship of mine is that it has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

It's too much (in my experience) to expect pain-givers to be reliable caretakers over the long run. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are immature assholes, And doesn't mean they won't meet your needs. Or give you pleasure and security. It just means that they will frequently give you pain.

And it means that you have to know how to meet your own needs, in those moments when they are unable and/or unwilling to.

More wisdom that I need to borrow.

Thank you eastern sun for sharing you wisdom!

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you eastern sun

Rida, I you.

And you're so fucking hot it takes my breath away.

 

[Keroin]

I hate the word "subby." It makes me want to burn things.

DITTO!!!

 

[chy_girl]

The problem with sadists is that they hurt. Here we are, discussing relationships we have sought, welcomed, thrived in (for at least part of the time), and feel an intense need for, in which pain (physical/emotional/mental) will be a defining element.

If we seek pain from our partners, we have to have the internal stability to recover and/or maintain our well-being on our own. Sensitivity and after-care are incredibly important in developing trust. But one of the best things about this relationship of mine is that it has forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

It's too much (in my experience) to expect pain-givers to be reliable caretakers over the long run. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are immature assholes, And doesn't mean they won't meet your needs. Or give you pleasure and security. It just means that they will frequently give you pain.

And it means that you have to know how to meet your own needs, in those moments when they are unable and/or unwilling to.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. There are parts that I can see in my relationship, but there are also parts that are so far out of my experience with them that I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Pain is a part of life, a part of being human and dealing with humans. We will, eventually, cause one another some form of pain no matter the intent, the severity, or the type of relationship. Feelings get hurt. That's a fact of life. The important part, in my opinion, is how the people involved work it out. That they do eventually work it out.

And I think knowing how to appropriately manage one's needs is simply a part of life. A type of personal responsibility. I can't expect them to cater to my every need, just as they can't expect me to cater to theirs. No one can, whether they'd like to or not.

My People are sadists. Of that there is no question. Giving physical pain, head fucks, emotional challenges that make tender parts twinge for a moment or three... They like those sorts of things. But they also recognize that their liking something doesn't justify damaging me. It doesn't justify breaking me in a bad way. Hell, it would counteract all the pushing they do toward my personal growth, and the personal growth factor is in the top 3 on their Important Things list.

Yes, my feelings occasionally get hurt. Yes, occasionally they do something that twists my brain a little too far. But I trust, with every fiber of my being, that they do not intentionally set out to hurt me in not fun, bad ways.

*wanders off to think some more*

 

[Cattypuss]

To misquote Danny the Drug Dealer, why have I been behaving so uptightly?

 

[FloggingMolly]

Much as I want to come share something interesting, I yet again have nothing. Instead, I'll have to add another word for the burn list- subbielicious

 

[chy_girl]

Much as I want to come share something interesting, I yet again have nothing. Instead, I'll have to add another word for the burn list- subbielicious

Dude. That's just wrong. And whoever came up with that needs beat in a not-fun-for-them kind of way.

 

[BiBunny]

Much as I want to come share something interesting, I yet again have nothing. Instead, I'll have to add another word for the burn list- subbielicious

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

 

[graceanne]

Why is it that my neighbors always have a horrendous taste in music?

I'm not sure, it's one of the great mysteries of life.

 

[rida]

Rida, I you.

And you're so fucking hot it takes my breath away.

*blush*

thank you

 

[eastern sun]

Yes, my feelings occasionally get hurt. Yes, occasionally they do something that twists my brain a little too far. But I trust, with every fiber of my being, that they do not intentionally set out to hurt me in not fun, bad ways.

This is a good thing, chy. And an indication that the relationship has the potential for being a healthy one. I would not want to live and/or play with someone who hurt me in bad ways.

Yet still your feelings get hurt, and sometimes your brain twists a little too far. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. It's inevitable in these relationships. It's absolutely necessary to tell your PYL's when it occurs, that's part of taking care of yourself, it just doesn't have to be such a big deal when it happens and make you lose your footing.

My comments may not be relevant to your relationship. I've witnessed a number of D/s dynamics in which the PYL's really were taking on significant caretaking roles in the pyl's lives.

I just personally have found a lot of comfort in coming to terms with the fact that emotional/mental pain is an inevitable element of the relationship along with the physical pain. If I accept it, I can then stop resisting it and focus instead on how to minimize it. And I've found it can be minimized with consistent mental practice and clear communication channels.

 

[the captians wench]

So the mcboss aproved my new clothes today.

6 months ago he told me that I needed to improve my dress. So I woke up early every day, pressed my uniforms, bought a couple of shirts out of the linen budget and tried to up my game. Apearently that wasn't enough. On top of that, the Ops manager sent word that she didn't like the cookie cutter look that we were all complying to and wanted us to just dress business attire. Well thanks for the memo.

Well it got me a $100 gift card to go buy myself new "uniforms". Today I wore something from that shopping spree, and he told me 3 times "you look nice" and added "good job" at the end. what ever

Yo bossman. Fuck. You.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Not fair

Do not expect me to stop grieving when something that matters is gone, and irreparably broken. Do not expect me to move on, to recover, to renew just do not ask that of me.

 

[graceanne]

I'm stuck in a conundrum. I think. That's assuming that word means what I think it means.

I had a doctors appointment today. My blood pressure is high, again. My last blood draw shows my cholesterol is high, too. So I have to not only go on MORE medication, but now they want me to start checking my blood pressure and blood sugars regularly. I asked him why this is an issue, at my age, and he said 'cause you're diabetic'. Oh, fucking joy. More proof my body hates me. Like it's not bad enough the crohns disease fucks everything up, the diabetes is going to get what the crohns disease hasn't fucked up.

My conundrum? I'm very lucky to have health care. Without it, I'd probably be dead in 10 to 15 years.

*sigh*

I'm still pissed about the cholesterol/blood pressure thing.