Explaining BDSM

[ElegantlyElle]

So, here's the problem. My fiance has no experience with BDSM and I do, but I have no idea how to explain it to him. I've tried, but either he's afraid to admit the dynamic of our relationship or I'm explaining it terribly.

We were in bed the other night and to cum, he twisted my nipple as hard as he could until I screamed and begged him to stop. Now, we do have a safeword, which took me awhile to explain, so he ignored the word "stop" and he continued until he came. When we both recovered from cumming, I mentioned something to him about being a sadist. He didn't say anything, so I tried explaining to him what it was. I think he understood what I was saying because he said he liked causing pain so it was a good thing I got off on it.

He knows a little about my masters before him, but I don't have any way to explain to him that he is a sadist and dominant to my masochist and submissive. Or that we can indeed be "normal" in society while having this relationship.

I'm not afraid of him not accepting me for who I am, or that he'll leave me; but that if he doesn't try to understand what makes us tick, we'll miss out on the opportunity to make our relationship that much better.

If you had to explain to your significant other the BDSM dynamic, how did you do it?

Does any of this make sense?

 

[Etoile]

I'm not sure why you feel the need to explain anything. It seems to me that if he acts sadistic and dominant, and you have a safeword, then everything is already as it should be. A lot of people want to introduce their partners to BDSM because the partner feels egalitarianism is the way to go, but you already have a dynamic in place - why put an official name on it?

 

[ElegantlyElle]

It's like using those childish names for penis and vagina. If I'm going to explain something to him I want him to know the technical name for it. Before you say anything about sex being technical, I don't actually think that it is. I'm extremely passionate and get great pleasure out of sex. There should never be anything technical about fucking. You should do what feel fantastic at that moment. However, I can't just drop him into the middle of my fetlife page and hope for the best. I've understood I was submissive since a fairly young age, but he's just realizing some things about himself. I guess I just want us to be on the same footing.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I doubt Etoile was saying you should use a 'childish' name for it.

She was more saying, why label it at all?

You've said it youself, it should just feel good. Just go with it.

If he doesn't want to name and explore things intellectually that he's happy to do, then go with it, and when he's ready to want to explore, but there.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Buy a couple of the usual BDSM books and put them on his night table. Don't make a big thing out of it. Don't even say anything. He can read them if and when he is ready.

 

[MasterAnimus]

So, here's the problem. My fiance has no experience with BDSM and I do, but I have no idea how to explain it to him. I've tried, but either he's afraid to admit the dynamic of our relationship or I'm explaining it terribly.

We were in bed the other night and to cum, he twisted my nipple as hard as he could until I screamed and begged him to stop. Now, we do have a safeword, which took me awhile to explain, so he ignored the word "stop" and he continued until he came. When we both recovered from cumming, I mentioned something to him about being a sadist. He didn't say anything, so I tried explaining to him what it was. I think he understood what I was saying because he said he liked causing pain so it was a good thing I got off on it.

He knows a little about my masters before him, but I don't have any way to explain to him that he is a sadist and dominant to my masochist and submissive. Or that we can indeed be "normal" in society while having this relationship.

I'm not afraid of him not accepting me for who I am, or that he'll leave me; but that if he doesn't try to understand what makes us tick, we'll miss out on the opportunity to make our relationship that much better.

If you had to explain to your significant other the BDSM dynamic, how did you do it?

Does any of this make sense?

Don't explain - but improvise, and go with the flow. This is like the first few dates when each of the parties is unsure if they should kiss, or how far they should go. If he enjoys what he is doing to you, and you enjoy his acts, he will automatically latch on to this. Lead him is you think he is shy. This is nothing different from any other sexual lifestyle - people need to explore each other to understand where each one derives pleasure, and better it the next time. Reading about BDSM or any specific literature might only confuse him.

MA

 

[SubNebGuy]

So far, everything in the original post sound straight forward. I am trying to grasp the actual 'issue' still. It sounds like OP is more concerned about everything than her boyfriend is, who is enjoying himself instead of feeling anxious about everything.

I would definitely not shove information down his throat too quickly. You are trying to be too technical in the relationship, to use your own words. Relationships HAVE to just happen. Especially early on. If you are already "working at making the relationship work" at an early stage, its probably not a long-term relationship.

When it just 'happens' and 'works' on its own for the most part, that's when you know you are compatible, on the same page, and destined to have a long future. Old relationships, like cars and knee joints, do require a little upkeep though

 

[DVS]

Go with the flow until you know what to expect. Then, if you find something that bothers you in his style, you might suggest something. But don't damage his ego by saying he's doing things all wrong. Maybe you could make suggestions of what you enjoy or give him a story that you find sexy.

I don't understand the technical issue, but maybe I'm not catching something. It wouldn't bother me what someone called something, as long as I enjoyed what he did to it. People find kinky in many different forms.

 

[KaeyMee]

My tuppence worth on explaining BDSM

It's like using those childish names for penis and vagina. If I'm going to explain something to him I want him to know the technical name for it. Before you say anything about sex being technical, I don't actually think that it is. I'm extremely passionate and get great pleasure out of sex. There should never be anything technical about fucking. You should do what feel fantastic at that moment. However, I can't just drop him into the middle of my fetlife page and hope for the best. I've understood I was submissive since a fairly young age, but he's just realizing some things about himself. I guess I just want us to be on the same footing.

Though I am very wary of over analysing things and dissecting all the fun and spontaneity out (I do analyse but I still have plenty of fun), I wouldn't even be here on Lit if it wasn't for a conversation about the film "Secretary" and googling a few choice key words. I couldn't believe there was a Wiki page on BDSM (I've lived a sheltered life!) and also read the various links such as the emotional implications and RACK. In the land of 'nilla I just thought I was a kinky sex addict (oh yeah, I am) and was made to feel as if it wasn't quite right from men who couldn't keep up with my sexual appetite!

To coin the phrase "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing", I would say improve your own knowledge so you can define at least your own position, in particularly when in a SM relationship. Bear in mind that with experience and exploration your definition may change or get fuzzy round the edges. Having been a submissive masochist it would have been easier on my body if I'd already known about the vast range of weaponry available and spent more time exploring it with my lover. I spent one of the best British summers for ages not being able to wear shorts due to bruising.

Learning new things is unsurpassable, as well as improving the old. I agree with most of the comments here but think it's you who needs peace of mind and however much we dislike it, labels do help.

If I'm telling you stuff you already know please ignore my diatribe and I'll get off my soapbox!