Need to rant

[Marquis]

I don't know if there will be anything of value in this thread to anyone, but I need a place to rant.

My relationship of the last 4 years has come to an end. I'm in a really weird place. There is so much I could've done differently. My whole outlook on relationships is so immature. I have a habit of building castles in the sky for myself, and living in them.

This is hard. It's easy for me to fake a strong exterior, but I know everyone can see through it. I feel so naked and alone.

 

[Marquis]

I just wanted to see all of her. Know all of her.

It was never enough. The more I held on, the more she hid, and ran.

I asked questions I didn't want to hear the answers to.

I set double standards. Insane double standards.

I am a hypocrite.

 

[Netzach]

I just wanted to see all of her. Know all of her.

It was never enough. The more I held on, the more she hid, and ran.

I asked questions I didn't want to hear the answers to.

I set double standards. Insane double standards.

I am a hypocrite.

No real sage advice or anything, just sorry to hear it.

 

[intothewoods]

Sorry Marquis. That stinks. It will get better and you can learn from this relationship. You'll be fine eventually but it will suck for the near future. At least you're in New York where there are plenty of distractions.

 

[Marquis]

I think the hardest part for me is this:

Our relationship failed because I spent all of my time thinking about how to get MY needs met.

With or without her, I can start thinking about HER needs today and I will be a better person for it.

I need my guilt relieved, I need to not be alone, etc. etc.

But when I actually think about her needs....

She is going to be so much happier without me. She needs to never hear from me again. She needs me to move on and be the best me I can be.

 

[Marquis]

My life is such a fucking train wreck.

 

[Keroin]

It gets better. Not today, probably not for a while, but it does get better.

Learn. Push through the pain. Lean on those who offer a shoulder. Move forward.

Sorry Marquis.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Sorry to hear it hon *hugs* I wish I had something useful to add.

 

[where]

Sorry to hear.

but that bit about you being naked in your OP... Pics please!

 

[DVS]

My life is such a fucking train wreck.

I'm older than you, and while that doesn't make me any wiser, it does give me the benefit of years and life experience. For what it's worth, I believe we are on this earth to learn from what we do right, as well as what we do wrong.

As for growing pains, life will suck for a little while, but you can make it hurt less by understanding what happened and why. If you think a change is necessary, do yourself a favor and make it. You'll be a better partner in your next relationship and feel better about yourself, too.

 

[DVS]

Sorry to hear.

but that bit about you being naked in your OP... Pics please!

NO! NO! NO!

 

[where]

NO! NO! NO!

bwahahahahaha!




it's all the poor ickle lambkins needs is a tranny/queer ego stroke and he'll be back to his normal annoying self in.... ooooh 30 seconds.

Assuming he hasn't already got over it and has fallen back in love with his reflection.

 

[Noor]

I think the hardest part for me is this:

Our relationship failed because I spent all of my time thinking about how to get MY needs met.

With or without her, I can start thinking about HER needs today and I will be a better person for it.

I need my guilt relieved, I need to not be alone, etc. etc.

But when I actually think about her needs....

She is going to be so much happier without me. She needs to never hear from me again. She needs me to move on and be the best me I can be.

I think you need to tell her the things you posted, it might help her for the future.
Making amends often helps guilt.

I suggest you take some time off from relationships, just be yourself alone and enjoy life. Its hard to face this stuff but its doable, self realization is the hardest first step.

People need their private space and thoughts, it is their safety zone.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Marquis, you and I haven't always agreed, and have sometimes disagreed radically on some topics. Nonetheless, I have never felt that you were beyond redemption or even quite as immature as you sometimes seem to think you may be.

Like DVS, I'm some years older than you are - quite a few, actually - and while that doesn't in and of itself confer wisdom, it does at least contribute a fair amount of experience, from which I have to say that I agree with DVS when he said that, "we are on this earth to learn from what we do right, as well as what we do wrong." From my POV, I think we probably learn *more* from what we do wrong, if we take the time to see what it was we did wrong.

So... go ahead and look at how you behaved throughout this relationship, both the good and the not-so-good. As much as possible, try to look at it from an "outsider's" viewpoint. Look for the things you did right, and incorporate them into your behavior as a "given," a basis for future actions. Look at the things you feel you did wrong, determine WHY they were wrong, and how you could have modified them or not done them, and incorporate *that* lesson into future behavior.

It's not likely this lesson will create perfect relationship behavior, but if you keep both the good and the bad in mind, and how they affect both you and your partner, it will probably create *better* behavior - and that's about all any of us can really ask: that we learn from our lives, and improve our futures through those lessons.

Good luck to you. If it makes you feel any better... I at least think you've grown greatly in the years we've been on this board, and that you have the potential to continue to grow until you're proud of the person you've become.

 

[JMohegan]

I think the hardest part for me is this:

Our relationship failed because I spent all of my time thinking about how to get MY needs met.

With or without her, I can start thinking about HER needs today and I will be a better person for it.

I need my guilt relieved, I need to not be alone, etc. etc.

But when I actually think about her needs....

She is going to be so much happier without me. She needs to never hear from me again. She needs me to move on and be the best me I can be.

Re the bold - I've been there. Like you, in my 20's. Learning how to balance "I'm in charge, she defers to me," with "If I don't defer to her needs sufficiently, she'll walk," is harder than some people think. For me it was, at least.

Re the rest of this - does she still read the Lit board? I'm getting a whiff of passive-aggressive manipulation here. Apologies if that's off the mark.

 

[Marquis]

I'm older than you, and while that doesn't make me any wiser, it does give me the benefit of years and life experience. For what it's worth, I believe we are on this earth to learn from what we do right, as well as what we do wrong.

As for growing pains, life will suck for a little while, but you can make it hurt less by understanding what happened and why. If you think a change is necessary, do yourself a favor and make it. You'll be a better partner in your next relationship and feel better about yourself, too.

Well, I started by deleting almost 200 GB of pornography. I'm working up the courage to throw out a few other things that have probably not been helpful to me. Since I was about 22 I've kept a running list of all the women I've slept with. A few years ago I read somewhere that keeping a list of your sex partners is a sign of sex addiction. I think I've spent too much energy worshiping the sex act and not the person I'm having sex with.

This may be the last to go, but I have also kept a folder of mementos from each of my major relationships. Something inside me says this is not good. I feel like I have to let go of the past in order to venture into the future.

bwahahahahaha!




it's all the poor ickle lambkins needs is a tranny/queer ego stroke and he'll be back to his normal annoying self in.... ooooh 30 seconds.

Assuming he hasn't already got over it and has fallen back in love with his reflection.

My reflection isn't quite what it used to be. I'm up to 220 from my modeling weight of 185. I went to the gym today.

I think you need to tell her the things you posted, it might help her for the future.
Making amends often helps guilt.

I suggest you take some time off from relationships, just be yourself alone and enjoy life. Its hard to face this stuff but its doable, self realization is the hardest first step.

People need their private space and thoughts, it is their safety zone.

Being alone is going to be the hardest part for me. I haven't been single for more than 6 months since I was 17. I've always jumped from relationship to relationship. The urge to contact lo or ANY chick is very strong, but I believe if I can keep the things I want for myself in sight, I can make it through.

I don't have many good friends. I don't have any hobbies. There has to be more to life than this.

As far as telling her the things I've posted. I don't know that that will help at this point. Maybe one day when I am strong enough I will. If it's just about relieving my guilt I won't put that burden on her but if I think I can help her I will. Right now I think the most help I can offer her is to stay away from her completely.

Marquis, you and I haven't always agreed, and have sometimes disagreed radically on some topics. Nonetheless, I have never felt that you were beyond redemption or even quite as immature as you sometimes seem to think you may be.

Like DVS, I'm some years older than you are - quite a few, actually - and while that doesn't in and of itself confer wisdom, it does at least contribute a fair amount of experience, from which I have to say that I agree with DVS when he said that, "we are on this earth to learn from what we do right, as well as what we do wrong." From my POV, I think we probably learn *more* from what we do wrong, if we take the time to see what it was we did wrong.

So... go ahead and look at how you behaved throughout this relationship, both the good and the not-so-good. As much as possible, try to look at it from an "outsider's" viewpoint. Look for the things you did right, and incorporate them into your behavior as a "given," a basis for future actions. Look at the things you feel you did wrong, determine WHY they were wrong, and how you could have modified them or not done them, and incorporate *that* lesson into future behavior.

It's not likely this lesson will create perfect relationship behavior, but if you keep both the good and the bad in mind, and how they affect both you and your partner, it will probably create *better* behavior - and that's about all any of us can really ask: that we learn from our lives, and improve our futures through those lessons.

Good luck to you. If it makes you feel any better... I at least think you've grown greatly in the years we've been on this board, and that you have the potential to continue to grow until you're proud of the person you've become.

I'm trying to get a grasp of this.

I know that both my addiction to sex and my bipolar disorder caused huge issues for me in this relationship... and honestly every relationship I've ever had. I think I need to address those issues if I have any hope of sharing my life with someone in the future and this is something that will take time.

Re the bold - I've been there. Like you, in my 20's. Learning how to balance "I'm in charge, she defers to me," with "If I don't defer to her needs sufficiently, she'll walk," is harder than some people think. For me it was, at least.

Re the rest of this - does she still read the Lit board? I'm getting a whiff of passive-aggressive manipulation here. Apologies if that's off the mark.

No need to apologize JMo, this is why I love you. I'm in desperate need of people willing to call me out on my bullshit.

I definitely did consider that she might read this. I don't know if that's affecting what I'm saying, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible.

In all truthfulness I can say 2 things. One is that I was absolutely horrible to her and she stuck with me through more than any human being should have to. If she reads that and it offers her any comfort I am ok with that.

The second thing is that I don't see a future for us together. A therapist I started seeing a few years back when lo and I first started dating met both of my girlfriends at the time in hopes of poly relationship counseling. He told me that lo wasn't ready to be in a relationship, that because of her abusive past she had the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. He told me that as I worked on myself and got emotionally healthier, the distance between us would grow.

I saw him for some time and he helped me work through a tremendous amount of issues I was dealing with at the time, primarily circled around the death of my mother. He wouldn't back down on the issue of my relationship with lo being unhealthy and eventually I stopped seeing him because of it.

In the 4 years I've been with lo we almost never cuddled. I would drape my body over her in hopes of feeling something in return but she would just get stiffer and stiffer until she pushed me away. I could count on one hand how many times she has climaxed in my presence and I wouldn't need every finger.

In so many ways we were a fantastic match. There were periods of our relationship where it felt like we were the only two people in the world, "us against the world." But we could never get to where it felt like it was "us with the world." I don't want to miss out on the world anymore!

 

[where]

My reflection isn't quite what it used to be. I'm up to 220 from my modeling weight of 185. I went to the gym today.

if you can't love yourself, you'll never be able to accept love from others.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Growing pains are painful.

Seems to me a few people call themselves "Dominant," when what they really are is ignore-ant and selfish.

 

[sb2009]

I do not know you, or or age, or anything. For some reason I am guessing that you are a bit younger than I am, perhaps in your 20's.

So I say...you've fucked up a relationship, maybe a few. Right now you feel like shit. Which is to be expected.

But if you think that NO ONE else on this board, or in your neighborhood, or at your job, has felt exactly the same way before, you are mistaken.

The ones of us who are a bit older and who are in somewhat more stable relationships, can see that "it does get better" and that perhaps right now, what you are feeling, is the key to making your next relationships work out better.

 

[NomadLady]

I think you've made a pretty good step at moving on by acknowledging that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and that she put up with shit from you that she shouldn't have. Learn to love yourself, then you will be prepared to give that love to someone in a mature, healthy manner.

It's not easy, takes time and self inspection and that can be painful. Anything worth having and doing right is worth the sacrifice.

 

[eastern sun]

I say burn the list, but keep the mementos. And definitely delete the porn. There's more where that came from if you ever need it. The people in your life aren't as easily replaced.

 

[graceanne]

I'm sorry. I hope things get better.

 

[rida]

Do not change to be someone that you are not.
Do not change now because you think that if you did, you two would still be together.

Relationships takes two and from what you wrote above about her own struggles, it would have probably failed even if you had worried about her needs and tried to meet them.

However, do change to be "the best me I can be".

As for deleting porn, lists and trashing mementos. That is up to you.
Again, don't do it if you are only to "do the right thing by her", do it only if you believe you need it and it will help in the goal of being "the best me I can be".




P.S. Bipolar is a nightmare. Both for the sufferer and for their partner. But it is not the end of the world either. It can be handled and it can be lived with. I know about it: Hubby is bipolar.

 

[graceanne]

Do not change to be someone that you are not.
Do not change now because you think that if you did, you two would still be together.

Relationships takes two and from what you wrote above about her own struggles, it would have probably failed even if you had worried about her needs and tried to meet them.

However, do change to be "the best me I can be".

As for deleting porn, lists and trashing mementos. That is up to you.
Again, don't do it if you are only to "do the right thing by her", do it only if you believe you need it and it will help in the goal of being "the best me I can be".




P.S. Bipolar is a nightmare. Both for the sufferer and for their partner. But it is not the end of the world either. It can be handled and it can be lived with. I know about it: Hubby is bipolar.

LIKE!!

 

[Netzach]

I know that both my addiction to sex and my bipolar disorder caused huge issues for me in this relationship... and honestly every relationship I've ever had. I think I need to address those issues if I have any hope of sharing my life with someone in the future and this is something that will take time.

Almost certain.

"I have no hobbies" - find one. Along with the self-assessment and enlisting a good pro - It seems kind of irrelevant/overwhelming/trite but if you have something that makes you plod along in the zen of - doing a thing- it's a huge part of healing.