Constructive criticism requested for the introduction paragraphs of my first story

[IronyMaster]

I would like feedback on this intro to my story. It will probably be a novelette in length, if that is any help.
This story will be science fiction/fantasy.
This story will be science fiction/fantasy, by the way.

Ardenvale College of Arts and Sciences, July 2010

The sun glared down upon the large number of students walking across the old concrete bridge, the main path between the dining hall and the classroom buildings. The sun's glare reflected off the windshields of the cars that zoomed between the two supporting pillars of the bridge, making those poor souls without sunglasses shield their eyes with their hands every few moments. Although a soothing breeze was currently blowing, it wasn't enough to offset the stifling heat.

Some students traveled in groups, rowdily talking about the latest gossip. Other students traveled as couples, giggling, whispering naughty secrets and holding hands. Still others walked alone, either out of choice or out of necessity. One young man sat on a bench, immersed in a book labeled: Quantum Chemistry – A Revolutionary Theory. A tree shaded his book from the sun's glare, the main reason that he had chosen this spot to read – that and the fact that he could be outdoors, which to him was more conducive to studying.

He glanced up from his book from time to time to observe the students traveling between classes. Most of them were pretty boring, as people in general were to him, so he would simply look down and continue reading.

A laugh drew his attention, and he glanced over in the sound's direction. A group of several girls strolled across the bridge towards him. Three of them were nothing special, he decided, normal boring college girls, loudmouthed and obnoxious – the confirmation of this another screeching laugh that tore across the space-time continuum in his direction. About to turn back to his book, he caught sight of the fourth girl, and raised an eyebrow. Here was something...different.

He wasn't sure what it was about her...her gorgeous blue eyes, the confident way in which she walked, her long, wavy brunette hair, even the way her two beautiful breasts would give a slight jiggle every few seconds...

Enough! He mentally chided himself, forcing his head back down to his book. People were boring. He had to remain objective; after all, he was a scientist! Of course, that didn't stop him from taking a second look as the quartet passed, noticing the way her tight pair of shorts rode up her firm yet feminine...Stop, dammit! He once again returned to his book.

A few minutes later, a yelling classmate roused him.

“Jeff, come on, you're gonna be late again!”

Class. Damn it, why do I have to take these 'college introductory classes'? I know I am better than this...

He stood up, stretching and yawning, as the classmate shook his head and started running for the main classroom building. Opening his eyes, Jeff stuffed his book into his backpack and casually walked towards the door himself.

 

[bashfullyshameless]

Irony,

First off: Nothing in here is actually *bad* at all. You're descriptive without being overly-detailed or plodding. No problems with passive voice. Grammar and mechanics are fine.

My one mechanical suggestion -- rephrase from this:

"Three of them were nothing special, he decided, normal boring college girls, loudmouthed and obnoxious – the confirmation of this another screeching laugh that tore across the space-time continuum in his direction."

To something more like this:

"Three of them were nothing special, he decided; just normal, boring college girls, loudmouthed and obnoxious. This was confirmed by another screeching laugh..."

It just seems like it would flow better if broken up a bit more. That's a minor wrinkle, and if you ignored that suggestion your opening would totally not lose anything for it. I have to do this with my own work a lot, though, and often I just can't bring myself to create the breaks. I love a writer who can handle a very long sentence and still be mechanically correct and clear, but doing too much of it can make a story into a wearying read.


I'm not usually one for starting with scenery & then moving to character or interaction; I usually start with one of the latter two and then sort of "pull back from the close-up" to reveal the scenery. It's all just a matter of choices, though. You might want to consider going with the character's internal monologue first, then creating the scenery, and see how you like it...you may stick with the original, but it could be worth trying out a different route.

Again, you write with obvious fluency and on this site that in itself will probably get readers to give your story enough of a chance to get rolling. The core amusement/interest factor here in what you've presented is that we have a young man who is deliberately trying to ignore college hotties FOR SCIENCE!!!! ...and that's just funny.

(I totally imagine Doctor Doom being exactly the same way in college...)

 

[Hotcappucino]

"Three of them were nothing special, he decided; just normal, boring college girls, loudmouthed and obnoxious. This was confirmed by another screeching laugh..."

The semicolon should be replaced with a comma. A semicolon is used to separate two complete sentences (independent clauses) that are closely related to each other, and just normal, boring college girls, loudmouth and obnoxious is a fragment.

In any case, here are my thoughts. Overall, it seems very wordy. Of course, this is probably just a rough draft, so during the editing process, think about tightening up the phrasing.

I will agree with bashfullyshameless that the beginning shouldn't start off with so much description of the scenery. The description is good, and you'll want to keep most of it, but you need to hook your reader a bit quicker with some action in order to keep their interest. For example, what if you started your story with this (modified) first sentence from the fourth paragraph:

A laugh drew his attention, and Jeff looked up from his book, trying to locate the source.

Right away, we're introduced to the main character, and we see something has disrupted his routine. So experiment with rearranging the paragraphs, and even breaking apart the paragraphs and restructuring them.

What, if I can ask, is the general plot line?

 

[Sanichi]

Irony,

I'll have to disagree with bashfullyshameless and say I thought if it's not "bad" it's not so good. I don't know if "No problems with passive voice" means it isn't a problem for him (fair enough) because there certainly is one:

a soothing breeze was currently blowing

It's difficult to form a judgement from such a short sample, and I too would be interested to know more about your story. All I can do is what you have asked and give criticism for this as an introduction.

Is it important to set the story in July 2010?

Opening words:

The sun glared down

This is a cliche (along with "The sun beat down" where it's in the desert, and "The sun shone down" in a childrens story). For the start of an erotic story readers don't need to know about the sun - and there is commentary throughout, with people's reaction to that glare, and seeking shade - unless this is a story about the Sun on a collision course with Earth. Is that the science fiction element? Fine if it's such a hot day that people have to take their clothes off, but there must be a better way to say it.

upon

Not "on"?

students walking across the old concrete bridge, the main path between the dining hall and the classroom buildings.

Does the bridge play a part in the story? Becomes blocked or collapses, for example? What other paths are there between these locations, and will characters meet on any? I want to know because this is still the opening paragraph and all information must serve the story or it is decoration.

One young man sat on a bench, immersed in a book labeled: Quantum Chemistry – A Revolutionary Theory.

Do we need to know the exact title of the book? Will he use the knowledge from it to save the Earth? We'll get the situation if you refer to it as a thick science tome or a nerdy book.

You'll get that I'm not liking it so far, and I always begin with the hope of enjoying a story, but as the reasons to stop reading come in, the Back button is waiting. Another reader might love it.

I favor Hotcappucino's suggestion of opening on the main characters, where the girl intrudes on the book reading. He will show his irritation, and immediately we get that he is more interested in learning than pretty people, without the three references to others as "boring". Feed in the background setting as bashfullyshameless suggests, now that we are interested in the characters and how they will interact.

Jeff is unsympathetic, even dislikeable. Is that what you intend?

He has instantly dismissed three of the four girls as any other puny human, yet the fourth attracts him. If one is known by the company they keep then why is this? You could give a 'meet cute' for example if she dropped by his bench her copy of the very book he is reading.

The laugh that tore across the space-time continuum

I hope that's supposed to be humerous.

He wasn't sure what it was about her...her gorgeous blue eyes, the confident way in which she walked, her long, wavy brunette hair, even the way her two beautiful breasts would give a slight jiggle every few seconds...

I'm wondering what she would look like with only one breast jiggling. Use ellipses with good reason, not simply to show hesitancy, especially not within the narrative voice or else your story will be peppered with them, as many here are.

Address the central question: "What was it about her?" In an erotic story I'm unconcerned over sentence fragments (I expect there are none in Quantum Chemistry – A Revolutionary Theory) so don't overwrite things - you have "way" twice when you don't need either. Just give us the reasons: her blue eyes and wavy hair, the confident walk that set her breasts jiggling.

This goes for everything you have so far, and I appreciate that it is a rough draft.

He stood up, stretching and yawning, as the classmate shook his head and started running for the main classroom building. Opening his eyes, Jeff stuffed his book into his backpack and casually walked towards the door himself.

Write the least you need to give the reader necessary information. "The classmate shook his head as Jeff stretched and yawned, then ran for class. Jeff stuffed his book into a backpack and casually followed."

That's just my thoughts. There is plenty to work with, and I'll repeat this is a small sample to find fault. I'm interested in your campus setting and if you tell us what will be the science fiction elements I would like to see more.

 

[IronyMaster]

Really appreciate all the help I'm getting. I'll have something out a bit later, I promise.

 

[bashfullyshameless]

Sanichi said:

"Jeff is unsympathetic, even dislikeable. Is that what you intend?

"He has instantly dismissed three of the four girls as any other puny human, yet the fourth attracts him. If one is known by the company they keep then why is this? You could give a 'meet cute' for example if she dropped by his bench her copy of the very book he is reading."


I would agree that he's unsympathetic. So much so, though, that I figured it was being played for comedy. He seemed to me like he's a young mad scientist type who's about to discover, to his shock, that girls are awesome. If I'm right about that and if there'll be a significant shift here, then the character has real potential...particularly if it's at least partially played for humor.

 

[Sanichi]

I figured it was being played for comedy.

I thought so as well, and I'd love a Young Doctor Doom mad scientist romp, but I didn't want to be presumptuous because it seems more earnest than that. "I know I am better than this..."

What about it, IronyMaster, can you post an outline letting us know the tone?

 

[IronyMaster]

Ok, well maybe he is too unlikeable. I was playing his characteristics for humor, but the tone is/will be serious.
Outline is:
Intro
Event occurs that throws planet into turmoil
The two are thrown together on the run/hunt/whatever
Get to know each-other, etc...

Perhaps I should balance it out? In any case, a new draft will be posted soon (i hope, I've been very busy today)

 

[sr71plt]

Maybe you should just write the blame thing and post it to the story file and then move on to the next one.

 

[RedJohnny]

I like the potential for the young Dr. Doom type, as well, and I agree with most of the comments that have already been provided, particularly Sanichi's. A few other points:

As others have noted, everything in your story - from the word choice to things like the title of the book he's reading - should contribute to the point of the story. If you make a point of telling us that the concrete bridge is the main path, why is that relevant? Similarly, you'll need to use the title of the book in a different way to make your point - either we need to know that he's a freshman reading a graduate level book or someone needs to comment on the fact that he's reading something outside of the "introductory" classes he's taking. Just saying that he's reading a book on quantum chemistry doesn't explain why that's relevant.

The first two sentences would come close to triggering the back button for me:

The sun glared down upon the large number of students walking across the old concrete bridge, the main path between the dining hall and the classroom buildings. The sun's glare reflected off the windshields of the cars that zoomed between the two supporting pillars of the bridge, making those poor souls without sunglasses shield their eyes with their hands every few moments. ... A tree shaded his book from the sun's glare, ...

As was already noted, the sun's glare is a cliche, and repeating the cliche in the first two sentences (and three times in the first two short paragraphs) is a flag for me that the writing in a particular piece is going to be pretty basic.* Next, using a phrase like "large number" is useless to the reader, especially when there are so many good synonyms that convey an image - throng, multitude, horde, stampede, etc.

(* Note - don't confuse simple with basic. Simple writing can be incredibly powerful because the writer is sufficiently sophisticated to know how to use his tools. Basic writing is just a sign of a novice writer.)

The more general question here is why the sun's glare is so important that you mentioned it three times in the first seven sentences? Also, there something incongruous about the fact that he has chosen to sit outside (even under a tree) when you say, "Although a soothing breeze was currently blowing, it wasn't enough to offset the stifling heat." If it's that hot, people don't sit outside for the pleasure of it, even in the shade.

The concept that he felt superior to everyone else feels a little repetitive for this short a piece of text. I have a feeling that you could tighten this up and achieve everything that you're trying to do with less verbiage.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'll briefly echo RedJohnny, only more KMish. I wouldn't read the story. It doesn't hook me in the beginning. I'm left there wondering why I should care about any of this at all. Why should I care about a sunny college campus? Why should I care about the hero? Why should I care about the girl he likes?

The sad, naked truth is that I found the opening part boring. The reason why it's boring is because you're establishing a setting that's not actually interacted with. It just is. And, from what you've described the plot arc with, the setting isn't that important.

Why am I bored? It's very simple. There's no tension in the scene. The tension is what hooks people, what makes things interesting. Part of your tension problem stems from the fact that you're using third-person omniscient POV to start with. Your god-like narrator stands upon high and describes the scene, including the people in it, before narrowing a focus down to the young man Jeff. (FYI: college student = young unless we're told otherwise.) Then we hop from god's shoulder to Jeff's so we can see inside his head. POV hopping in third-person isn't unusual. Moving from omniscient to limited takes a bit of ingenuity, which didn't work out for you. Start in Jeff's head and leave it only when its relevant. Omniscient gives the fairy-tale feel straight out of the gate and it's an unpleasant POV to read unless it's done masterfully (just like second person, by the way.)

Also, on a side note that others have pointed out in some ways, you use a lot of redundancies. An example: He mentally chided himself. Okay, I'll read it literally until it tells me not to, this means that I'll assume telepathy isn't a part of the story until I'm told the character is a telepath. Armed with that info, ask yourself this, who else is he going to mentally chide? His thoughts are stuck in his head. You had another one later on, a female in shorts is walking by and, amazingly, her butt is feminine? Oookay. How does that actually work? Are all female butts masculine unless they pass a certain criteria for beauty? Women generally have firm buttocks because the glutes are muscle. To have unfirm buttocks, well, picture cottage cheese and apply to any butt.

Now, I'm not going to jump on the your story sucks! train that I have going on here. It doesn't suck. It's just missing a few essential pieces to make it work more effectively. Like the tension that hints at or develops the dramatic and/or personal conflict that the entire novel must spend its time resolving.

Um. What's a novellette? In word length. Is that like a novella? (15,000 to 55,000 words) Or a short story (3,000ish to 15,000 words)?

I would suggest that you venture out into the story feedback forum, find someone asking for feedback on their work, and then give it. Explain to them what you liked about the story and explain to them what you didn't like. Explain why as much as possible. Do not use the phrase "I don't know."

A good way to understand your own work is to tear apart someone else's and figure out how its put together, why its put together that way, and how and why it fails or succeeds.

 

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[bwallard]

"A large number of students" right off rang my firebell. And you use too many adjectives. too many words.

I am intrigued by the smugness of the protagonist. It's a good setup for a fall. But I would like some character to the target, and to get things moving she must give him a glance.

Do you know what's going to happen or are you feeling your way through it?