A little understanding

[geeraff]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding. Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

 

[graceanne]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding.

You aren't the first person to ask this, so don't be putting words in our mouths, thank you.

Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

As a rape survivor you should know that how people handle rape is different with each person. Some people find release this way. Just because it's not for you doesn't mean it's not okay.

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

Hon, no one here cares what you think about us. You are not the only person who thinks this stuff. Honestly, sexuality is one of those weird things that no one completely understands. Why we're the way we are has been discussed to death, and if you're really interested you should take a look at our library. There are many threads discussing this.

 

[NomadLady]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding. Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

You shouldn't voice a obviously biased opinion on a topic that you don't understand. It makes you look even more ridiculous.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There are SO many answers to those questions!

My sister is like you are; when I offered her an antique bed she wouldn't take it because someone might think about tying her to it. I have never thought about trying to change her mind. Personally, I don't mind it that not everyone approves of the games I play.

And other people too, do things that disgust me. There are some humiliation games that I know people love that nauseate me because they seem, to me, as if the things I've fought for as a feminist are being thrown back in my face.
Everyone has their own limits, and you never know what or where that will be.


Why do I want to be bound? Because it feels good to be stretched or contained, and encourages me to pit my strength against something until I physically exhaust myself. Why do I want to feel pain? That's a tougher one-- I know that pain that is not a signal for damage, I process it differently. It becomes pure sensation without fear or anxiety attached to it, and goes straight to my clit. I love me some screaming orgasms!

I guess you'll get some attempts at answers to your "Why we do these things," but really, what you need to learn is that we do these things because we want to do these things. I'm not sure you need to know all of the "why," or really have the right to demand that.

 

[sb2009]

This, pretty much. I like it, i want to do it. I makes me happy. It thrills me. I'm not hurting anyone (that doesn't specifically ask for it!) so why bother yourself with something that causes you to feel ill?

 

[graceanne]

Why do I want to be bound? Because it feels good to be stretched or contained, and encourages me to pit my strength against something until I physically exhaust myself.

There is proven therapeutic aide in being unable to move, or having something heavy on you. I've known several people who've spent time in psych wards. When they get really freaked out they wrap them up really tight - it sounded a lot like swaddling an infant to me and had the same reaction in the girls I've talked to. It was very calming and one girl told me she felt like she 'soared' when she was like that. (She was nilla so I didn't tell her it sounded a lot like sub space to me.)

Also, weighted blankets are used as therapy for a lot of people with a lot of disorders; asbergers being one of them. Why? It's soothing.

 

[rida]

*snip*
So why is the appeal?
*snip*

Why the appeal? Why do people like whatever it is that they like?
1000 different reasons and no reason at all.

I've snipped off the other questions, are they all show your bias, and as such they cannot be answered without getting defensive.

I do not feel the need to defend what I like, the same as I do not feel the need to convert anyone.

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

BDSM works for some, and does not for other. And not everything included under the umbrella term works for everybody either.

From your previous questions it appears that what you view as BDSM is very specific and narrow, and it push hot buttons to you. Not everybody does rape-play, nor everybody does degrading things (and not everybody define degrading the same way either) or get tied up and forced to do things that they do not want to.

If you want to learn, check out the library and some of the other discussions threads.

But at the same time, I do not think that you need to learn to accept our "fetish" (this word too shows your bias).
As far as you let consenting adults do what they please within their relationship, you don't have to like BDSM.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding. Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

You just need to take the arguments you used for your husband regarding gay people, and take the word gay out, and put bdsm/kink in.

It's the same argument. People can't help the way they're wired.

 

[Ravenwind]

I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me.

As am I, but for me, BDSM helps me undo many years of bad decisions- those done unto me; those I have done unto others; and those I could not help myself but do, because of the scars from what had been done. For me, it is about self-control. ...when your control is taken away, one clings onto it for dear life. But for me, my ability to say to my Husband, "I trust you completely. I know you would never hurt me. I give you the gift of control over me" is very therapeutic. Similarly, partially as a result of the years of harmful relationships, I wound up being unable to control myself over any matter, so giving my Husband total control over all that I am is but a stepping stone of me "re-wiring" myself, so that I might learn to control myself, and then finally, trust myself once again.

Bondage, to me, is physical control... it is akin to a "full-body hug" so to speak... it is the feeling of security of "being tucked in at night", yet also "throwing my cares to the wind" in being exposed, that I might learn that, no matter what I think of myself, my Husband sees me as the most beautiful woman in the world, and nothing I can say or do can hide that fact. Just as I cannot resist being pinned down, I cannot resist the truth... there is nothing in the world that could take me away from him, and that I would not want it any other way. I cannot flee from him... and neither would I want to.

Discipline is just that. It is for me to learn self-discipline. Getting things done on his schedule ensures that I can do things on my schedule... and "disappointment" can be far more effective a method of discipline than any crop or whip.

In his Dominance of me, I am kept safe from repeating the mistakes of my past. In my submission to him, my marriage vows mean something much greater than "words said to make the deed done"- I am more than "just a ball-and-chain", I am "his prized possession", I am "his provider of comfort", I am "his slut, and his slut only"... I can stop pretending my worst aspects about me don't exist, but rather, I can be that which I naturally am, but for him, and for him alone. Some of my most hated aspects about myself, I have turned into some of the best parts of me- not "because I am a good wife" (which elicits Donna Reed-like images and other repressed 50's icons to me, something I loathe, in part to being raised by my grandparents), but rather, "because I am *his* good slave/slut" (which is a lot more liberating to my ego... I become "me", and not "my grandmother"). My servitude is the greatest gift I could possibly give him... I give it to him because I love him with all of my heart, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him.

As for sado-masochism... I'm just wired that way. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Give me a motorcycle, a rollercoaster ride, a tattoo, a piercing, and a good hard slap to the face, and play heavy metal through it all, and I'm a happy camper. Pain (other than sharp pinches, which really suck), fear, speed, emotional release of power, and bloodshed is very soothing to me. It's just always been part of who I am, and it'd be a bit too Freudian for here to go into why.

As to rape fantasies... I really don't know, myself. I lie in the odd paradox between "knowing what really happens" and "fantasizing about what I want to happen"- much like a soldier who's seen action yet plays a video game about being a soldier in a war... you know the gory truth, but the fantasy is much more fun, because no one really gets hurt... I feel it is a way to bring out "the animal" within all of us, where we give 110% of ourselves to the other, be it in the flight or the chase, but in the end, we give our all and then some more, instead of "giving our routine".

In the end, I think BDSM helps me come to grips with who and what I am, to find the borders of where I define "me" are, and then push them back to where "me" used to be, should have been, and what I would like them to become. For once, I have full control over myself... and I give that control to the one whom I know can help me achieve my goal of finding myself.

As for "doing it for real" or "legal", I do do it for real. I *am* subservient to my Husband- I don't say "yes" then roll my eyes as I loathe the task ahead of me, or worse, refuse to do it after saying "yes" (forgetting is another story). Whatever he asks of me is either for his good, my good, our good, our kids' good, or the family's good- knowing this, there is no reason I should not want to do it. ...And there is nothing illegal about the kind of relationship we have- I voluntarily do as he asks unconditionally, and he never asks of me to do something illegal.

...I don't know about anyone else, but that's just how I see it.

 

[Lady Reiha]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding. Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

You BDSM folk are getting trolled. Ignore it and get back to spanking or whatever you guys are into.
:caning:

 

[Cattypuss]

Okay so I am of the full believe that one should not judge entire groups of people. I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me. Well I remember when I was undoing my husbands brainwashing and convinced him that while he find the idea of gay sex utterly revolting gay people aren't necessary. Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding. Who knows maybe I will find healing for my past. So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

You are disgusted by BDSM?

That's perfectly fine, sweetheart - your prerogative entirely. We're not here to convert you - or indeed to defend our own life-choices.

 

[john_and_mima]

I can understand why you would not want to do rape play or BDSM. you have had a very bad experience and i understand that.
Many people interested in BDSM do it only with people they trust and this means you get the satisfaction and thrills without ever being in true danger.
John and i have been together over two years now and we have recently begun exploring BDSM and i think it has in a way made our relationship better and increased our physical trust, love and understanding each other. BDSM is a great part of our relationship but its not for everyone.
mima x

 

[WriterDom]

Just be glad you don't get it. Because if you did, and your husband didn't, you'd be asking another question that gets asked here all the time.

 

[rekane]

...I don't know about anyone else, but that's just how I see it.

Ravenwind, that is just beautiful.
Thank you for verbalizing things I could not.

 

[brigid_fitch]

So why is the appeal?

You're going to get a thousand different answers to that question because it's so broad. You might as well ask why people like the color blue. And, as someone already pointed out, D/s relationships aren't always about rape fantasies. In a D/s relationship, parameters are set very early on--the Dom & sub talk over what's going to be acceptable in a scene and what is most definitely off-limits. Like anything in life, different people like different things, so communication is key. I'm a submissive and have absolutely NO interest in anything like that!

For me, I have a HUGE amount of responsibility with my job and have to keep dozens of balls in the air to keep things running. At home, I'm the breadwinner, so take care of pretty much everything there, as well. Being a sub lets me "check out" for a while. For a few hours, my only responsibility is pleasing my Master. During that time, he has all the power and I'm at his mercy (within the aforementioned parameters that were set in place years ago. Also, I have my safeword if things get out of hand). And it's sheer ecstasy.

 

[chy_girl]

I am also a rape survivor who does not get the whole BDSM thing and if I'm honest I am disgusted by it to the point that the people who are into disgust me.

Me too. I was raped when I was very young and it took years of hard work to recover from that. It wasn't until after that recovery that I could begin to understand the differences in intent and not confuse the two. And as someone has already said, even people who practice BDSM have things that disgust them. We just call them hard limits.

Now if you are still reading at this point and having started your post about what a piece of shit I am I come here seeking understanding.

Actually, in the past year I've discovered that BDSM is one of the more understanding and tolerant communities. Not to say we're perfect, because BDSMers are far from that, but we tend to be more than willing to help people understand and give accurate information. Just so long as the person isn't being a dickwad about it, we're usually good.

So why is the appeal? Why would someone want to pretend to be raped or a slave? Why would someone choose to degrade themselves in the bedroom? Who would want to be bound and forced to do things?

You are asking about so many different kinds of play in this part...

Why do I have a rape fantasy? Because there is a small component of the past that still needs worked out. Because I want to know that there is something I can do, even though I didn't back then. Because I trust my People - my partners enough to be that vulnerable with them. Because I crave the struggle/fight/release feeling.

As for degradation... My People don't degrade me. Simple as that. And in my relationship it is understood that humiliation is a tool to be used lightly and sparingly. It's about the psychological headfuck of it. But I also know that my People don't use humiliation as a way to put me down. They don't use it make themselves better than me. Frankly, I think they like to see me get flustered and blush and struggle to find the solution, more than anything. But it's also understood that no matter what I am to conduct myself with dignity and grace.

Who would want to be bound and forced to do things? Me. Because it's fun and I get to see the very flustered and put out looks when I "help" them by untying myself. And it's even more fun when untying myself earns the look as a snap of a dragon's tongue.

In all seriousness, though, there is a very safe feeling in being bound. Of not being able to run away from something that I want but don't know if I'm quite brave enough to face. And to be tied up and "forced" to do things... It's almost a release of sexual responsibility. As a woman and as an abuse survivor, there was so much guilt built around my sexuality that it could be paralyzing at times. But there's this quirk in my brain that says if my People "make" me do something that I want but feel guilty about then I don't have to feel guilty about liking it. And it's fun.

And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real? Would you if it was legal?

A lot people here do have someone they submit to. Some of us are even on the Doublemint plan and have two Bossy Ones. And it isn't just a fantasy, it's part of our lives.

*shrugs*
For me, being able to submit is like finally being able to take a deep breath. Without the opportunity to submit to them and serve them on a fairly regular basis I go a little batshit. And when I say submit, I don't mean the tying up and beating parts - those are a different thing. I mean the releasing my control to them - giving them the power to make the choices. It feels right and safe and I get those things from giving them my control. It's one of the things about BDSM that is very paradoxical.

I know I sound like a total judgmental pig and I guess in the way I am one but I don't get it and hate that I see this sub forum every time I come to lit and the letters BDSM fill me with disgust when in actuality I know nothing about you people. I expect to get a lot of hate messages and I will humbly accept them but maybe I can come to accept this fetish.

One of the first things I learned when I started exploring BDSM (and believe me - there was a great deal I was disgusted by and didn't understand. Then someone pointed out that the only kink I need to even partway understand is my own. That's all.

Just know that we aren't a group people who are either abusive monsters or unknowing victims. We aren't. We're a group of people to have very specific and very base needs. For some the need is an occasional craving - have a bit of chocolate and the sweet tooth quiets down. For others it is a part of what we need for a satisfied and happy life - and the emotional release when we get it really does feel like taking a deep breath after you've been under the water for just a little to long.

I hope you find the answers and understanding that you're looking for.

 

[geeraff]

I am understanding better. The word I read a lot was trust and it reminded me of youth camp when they did the trust fall. your crossing your arms and falling backwards into your partners arms knowing they won't harm you.

There is proven therapeutic aide in being unable to move, or having something heavy on you. I've known several people who've spent time in psych wards. When they get really freaked out they wrap them up really tight - it sounded a lot like swaddling an infant to me and had the same reaction in the girls I've talked to. It was very calming and one girl told me she felt like she 'soared' when she was like that. (She was nilla so I didn't tell her it sounded a lot like sub space to me.)

Also, weighted blankets are used as therapy for a lot of people with a lot of disorders; asbergers being one of them. Why? It's soothing.

I love a scientific explanation thank you.

the most commonly accepted convention for BDSM being SSC, as though it were holy writ. We may have moved away from that, but Safe, Sane, and Consensual is still how many, if not a majority of BDSM players operate. Do a forum search for that, you'll find tons and tons.

I don't like to make sweeping judgments or presumptions, but the attitude of your post makes it sound like you survived a violent rape, and for some reason equate BDSM with it.

I will look it up thank you.

Yes it was. It was at the peak of the abuse and bullying I suffered from my peers in 8th grade. I attempted suicide the next day. I suffer from PTSD from it I only use public restrooms when I have to and I usually get in and get out as too much time in one will give me a panic attack. Theres restaurant near the school with a big smiley face sign and my heart races every time I see the thing. It wasn't until recently that I would let hubby try any position from behind and we eased into doggy style which i might add I like now. However I am definitely would not feel comfortable being bent over something and having sex. The last time we tried this I had a panic attack and nightmares all night. I am constantly afraid I'm going to e raped and wary of new men. I won't go into much more about it hopefully you can draw enough clues from that, it was also someone I thought I could trust and my only "friend".

But at the same time, I do not think that you need to learn to accept our "fetish" (this word too shows your bias).

I used the word fetish meaning something sexually arousing to a particular group. Though I can see the misunderstanding as many people use the word fetish to degrade something from what is or to imply that someone can't get off without doing particular acts.

Ravenwind

I'm not quoting you because I would have to quote your whole post, I found this very helpful in understanding BDSM. With understanding comes acceptance. I wonder if any of the people who find healing from rape through BDSM suffer(ed) from PTSD. I am actually curious to hear testimonies of how it helped. You have no idea how much I love to dream of an upcoming event and dream about how awesome it is instead of all the ways I could get raped.

For me, I have a HUGE amount of responsibility with my job and have to keep dozens of balls in the air to keep things running. At home, I'm the breadwinner, so take care of pretty much everything there, as well. Being a sub lets me "check out" for a while. For a few hours, my only responsibility is pleasing my Master. During that time, he has all the power and I'm at his mercy (within the aforementioned parameters that were set in place years ago. Also, I have my safe word if things get out of hand). And it's sheer ecstasy.

I can't believe I didn't think of this and I can understand where someone who has a lot of pressure at work wouldn't want in the bedroom, here hon you take control and let it be. I can sort of see on the flipside where someone who doesn't have any control in their lives seen control in the bedroom and with a consenting partner that can be very empowering. Now that I think about it its better than other ways people deal with power issues like eating disorders and manipulation.

To those accusing me of being a troll or stating they don't need my acceptance. I know you don't need my acceptance. However, I need to have understanding it bothered me that the letters BDSM bothered me but then again before reading the stuff here I didn't know anything about it other than what the letters stood for and there were was a sub group within BDSM that was into rape fantasy. I am not a troll but I can see where someone would think that as most Americans are comfortable with their hate and have no desire to understand things beyond their interest.

Chy_Girl

Your post helped me as much as ravenwinds. Releasing power is actually something they talk about in Church/ Bible a lot. I know how freeing it can be to give something over to God. I don't see how that would be any different from giving something over to a sexual partner. Recently hubby and I gave our worries about TTC to God it was very liborating. Hubby stopped holding back in the bedroom because he was afraid the sell barns would die down right before the baby was born. And I stopped stressing about testing for ovulation and is this coming off BC (taht stuff totally Fed me up) or AF or pregnancy. So ya letting loose is freeing. And sometimes being bound is letting loose, you can't run away you just have to give in which is life is scary but usually rewarding. Thank you so much.

Thanx to all of yall I do understand a lot better. I don't think I'll be watching BDSM porn any time soon but I think I am finding myself in a place of acceptance that other people do and enjoy acting it out.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Geeraf, something that might help you with doggy-style, or bracing yourself against something ("being bent over") might be a mirror so that you can see your husband's face the whole time.

 

[Ravenwind]

I'm not quoting you because I would have to quote your whole post, I found this very helpful in understanding BDSM. With understanding comes acceptance. I wonder if any of the people who find healing from rape through BDSM suffer(ed) from PTSD. I am actually curious to hear testimonies of how it helped. You have no idea how much I love to dream of an upcoming event and dream about how awesome it is instead of all the ways I could get raped.

I don't know about others, but I didn't suffer from PTSD. Instead, a rather miserable side of me had emerged... Because I was unable to say no the first time, I no longer knew how to say no to anyone else... sex became my understanding of "friendship, acceptance, and love". I could not be trusted around anyone, as a simple playful flirt (or even so much as a compliment, or even the discussion of sex at all) from a friend would turn into me cheating on my loved one. After a lot of time of self-reflecting (sparked by conversations with a friend of mine, who is Master to his wife), I came to realize what it was I needed to bring that side of me under control, and took what I learned to my Husband. He is not a natural Dom, but when he understood that I needed to see him as my Master (as I explained it to him as I did you), he obliged, and now he enjoys it as much as I do... and I have been faithful to him ever since.

This is what I mean by "his slut". I know what I am, and I cannot help that side of me... but by redirecting what I am towards him alone, I don't have to pretend I'm "Donna Reed" to myself anymore. And I can live with that.

 

[geeraff]

Geeraf, something that might help you with doggy-style, or bracing yourself against something ("being bent over") might be a mirror so that you can see your husband's face the whole time.

I'm not sure a mirror would help or how...the thing about doggy style is I just had to do it and we eased into it and I ended up loving it but until recently I'd get too scared and start crying. We don't have much room to be bent over anyways. We live in a dutcham travel trailer and a fancy one at that as there is a "master bedroom" with a door! So unless we want a 20 mos old watching it has to be in that very tiny bedroom which fits our queen size bed with less than a foot of space on 3 sides (the other side is agaisnt a wall.) Its pushing past the fear thats the hardest part. But hubby is very understanding of this and knows a lot about 8th grade. He understands why I HAVE to hug the wall when going up or down the stairs. Why in a building with lockers I will walk on the opposite wall of the lockers and there are lockers on either side I will walk in the center. Why sometimes I come out of a public restroom breathing heavy and on the verge of tears. He also understands there are some things he can't do say. The boy who raped me would call me retarded whore when others were around (when we were alone he was super sweet) and the one time hubby called me whore in bed I pushed him off and started crying. He understood and doesn't call me dirty names in bed. He also treats me the same way all the time and has come to hate two faced people as much as I do. Would love to know exactly how a mirror would help though.

 

[chy_girl]

I'm not quoting you because I would have to quote your whole post, I found this very helpful in understanding BDSM. With understanding comes acceptance. I wonder if any of the people who find healing from rape through BDSM suffer(ed) from PTSD. I am actually curious to hear testimonies of how it helped. You have no idea how much I love to dream of an upcoming event and dream about how awesome it is instead of all the ways I could get raped.

My PTSD isn't active. I don't have the regular flashbacks of the event. I do, however, have an exaggerated startle response and otherwise normal things will send me spinning. My People understand that and it is something we've discussed in depth. Repeatedly. What has helped is the T word again. They have earned more of my trust than anyone else.

The first time I tried fire play I was just on the edge of subspace - a place I now know makes my fight or flight button very touchy. When the flash cotton went off I bolted. Well, I tried to. One of the other group members informed me later that my Sir had physically caught me as I tried to roll off the table. I don't remember that. I remember the flash of light, flailing, and thinking I had to be under the table or in a corner right *NOW*. And then I heard his voice. The only thing he said (that I heard) was "Girl, stop." And I did.

When I'm in subspace - fully in subspace, I get what we now call the gotta-go's. It has to do with a malfunction of the flight response and I gotta go. Not necessarily anywhere in particular, I just need to go. I also get very touchy about touch. Mistress puts me on a leash, which was a brilliant idea. I can't wander off very far, she can lead me where I need to be, and I get an overwhelming sense of safety from it - of knowing I can't get lost.

I guess it isn't that there's no PTSD response or no *risk* of a PTSD response. It's that I can trust them to walk with me through the response instead of walking away from me. There's something incredibly healing about that. Something empowering for me that makes me more able to let go because I know that I can beat it and they're there to help me when I need it.

Your post helped me as much as ravenwinds. Releasing power is actually something they talk about in Church/ Bible a lot. I know how freeing it can be to give something over to God. I don't see how that would be any different from giving something over to a sexual partner. Recently hubby and I gave our worries about TTC to God it was very liborating. Hubby stopped holding back in the bedroom because he was afraid the sell barns would die down right before the baby was born. And I stopped stressing about testing for ovulation and is this coming off BC (taht stuff totally Fed me up) or AF or pregnancy. So ya letting loose is freeing. And sometimes being bound is letting loose, you can't run away you just have to give in which is life is scary but usually rewarding. Thank you so much.

Thanx to all of yall I do understand a lot better. I don't think I'll be watching BDSM porn any time soon but I think I am finding myself in a place of acceptance that other people do and enjoy acting it out.

You're very welcome. It took me a very long time to see the paradox of BDSM and even longer to begin to understand it. Floggings as relaxing, strength through submission, gaining control through giving it to another person... It took a long time for me to come to terms with that because I didn't ask sooner. I didn't want to look at what I thought it meant I was. But it turns out I wasn't some sick and twisted bitch - I just have a very deep need to serve and give up control to someone I can trust not to intentionally hurt me in bad ways. I've found that, and every time I start to lose it in myself, to let the should be's overwhelm the way that it is, all it takes is remembering why sitting at my Mistress' or Sir's feet is my favoritest place in the world to sit.

 

[geeraff]

I don't know about others, but I didn't suffer from PTSD. Instead, a rather miserable side of me had emerged... Because I was unable to say no the first time, I no longer knew how to say no to anyone else... sex became my understanding of "friendship, acceptance, and love". I could not be trusted around anyone, as a simple playful flirt (or even so much as a compliment, or even the discussion of sex at all) from a friend would turn into me cheating on my loved one. After a lot of time of self-reflecting (sparked by conversations with a friend of mine, who is Master to his wife), I came to realize what it was I needed to bring that side of me under control, and took what I learned to my Husband. He is not a natural Dom, but when he understood that I needed to see him as my Master (as I explained it to him as I did you), he obliged, and now he enjoys it as much as I do... and I have been faithful to him ever since.

This is what I mean by "his slut". I know what I am, and I cannot help that side of me... but by redirecting what I am towards him alone, I don't have to pretend I'm "Donna Reed" to myself anymore. And I can live with that.

I totally get this. When I did find myself in a place of trust with a man afterwards it was always a sexual relationship. Like I'm damaged goods and all I'm good for is sex. It was the longest time the only thing that reminded me of the rape that didn't send me into a panic attack. I never cheated but that was more because I wasn't on BC and didn't care if I got preg I just wanted to be sure who the father was if I did. I would however line boyfriends up. I have one ex who was my best friend when I was with the BF before him and he saw that I was getting close to another guy and he told me that he knew I was moving past him...I denied it but ended up sleeping with the other guy that night. I guess because I have my husband its not a temptation. Though I know what I am capable of and avoid talking to guys I find attractive. What works for you works for you I guess.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm not sure a mirror would help or how...the thing about doggy style is I just had to do it and we eased into it and I ended up loving it but until recently I'd get too scared and start crying. We don't have much room to be bent over anyways. We live in a dutcham travel trailer and a fancy one at that as there is a "master bedroom" with a door! So unless we want a 20 mos old watching it has to be in that very tiny bedroom which fits our queen size bed with less than a foot of space on 3 sides (the other side is agaisnt a wall.) Its pushing past the fear thats the hardest part. But hubby is very understanding of this and knows a lot about 8th grade. He understands why I HAVE to hug the wall when going up or down the stairs. Why in a building with lockers I will walk on the opposite wall of the lockers and there are lockers on either side I will walk in the center. Why sometimes I come out of a public restroom breathing heavy and on the verge of tears. He also understands there are some things he can't do say. The boy who raped me would call me retarded whore when others were around (when we were alone he was super sweet) and the one time hubby called me whore in bed I pushed him off and started crying. He understood and doesn't call me dirty names in bed. He also treats me the same way all the time and has come to hate two faced people as much as I do. Would love to know exactly how a mirror would help though.

Kudos to him for his hard work, and to you for helping him understand your issues!

The person I know who had this issue had to be able to see her lover's face. If she couldn't, she would imagine the face of her attacker. With his face in a mirror, she was able to enjoy positions where they weren't face to face-- she found that she didn't have to even look at him in the mirror so often, knowing it was there.

 

[Ravenwind]

I totally get this. When I did find myself in a place of trust with a man afterwards it was always a sexual relationship...What works for you works for you I guess.

That's pretty much exactly how I feel. Except for me, I wouldn't so much call it temptation, as that implies "knowing there is a 'no' option in there somewhere", but rather, I somehow understood it as "the only way I could get what I want... a friend to talk to". In hindsight, I was a pretty messed up kid... I've always been closer with guys than girls as friends (give me G.I. Joe over Barbie, or video games over 'playing house', any day), being told "Guys only want to get in your pants" by family, then having it proven true by family friends (a few, actually, on different occasions), makes for understanding "the only way to have a friend is by having sex with them". Takes a lot of redirection to undo that kind of damage, and I'm slowly getting there.

 

[geeraff]

Kudos to him for his hard work, and to you for helping him understand your issues!

The person I know who had this issue had to be able to see her lover's face. If she couldn't, she would imagine the face of her attacker. With his face in a mirror, she was able to enjoy positions where they weren't face to face-- she found that she didn't have to even look at him in the mirror so often, knowing it was there.

I see. For me its not imagining his face so much as the position and the feel of having my face pressed against something (especially if its hard and flat like a wall). I actually can't remember his face. I think its disassociation or something like that. I never reported it because for the longest time I thought if you said yes then realized what was going on and wanted out that it wasn't rape and that consensual sex could be however violent the people wanted it to be and if you consented to sex you consented to whatever the other person wanted to do. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized no means no weather or not you said yes and that saying yes under coercion is still saying no and that just because you said yes doesn't mean they can do whatever. So this guy is out there walking around on the streets and I guess every guy I saw that looked even a little like him would scare me so at some point my mind drew a blank where his face should be.