help, too much emotion!

[chaosgirl42]

I really hope this is the right place to ask this question. I don't know who else to turn to. I know this will be a little long, but I can't think of how to summarize.
4 years ago "R" and I fooled around a little (no sex). He had already started to pursue someone else and I told him to do that as I wasn't looking for anything serious. He did and they just broke up last spring. We didn't have any contact during that time. (I quit that job and we weren't very close anyway.)
We just connected again a couple months ago and he made it clear he was still interested. Last weekend I gave him a call and we basically started where we left off, but more intense. He's older than me (27 vs 41), and he was sort of my supervisor when we worked together, so there was always a Domination dynamic to our relationship. I've made it clear that I'm still seeing other people, and that I only called him because I thought it'd be a bit of fun. He seemed a little put out by that, but no more than I would have expected from anyone.
Anyway, a week ago Friday he turned my ass black and blue and I loved it. I left for the weekend and called him again on Monday and he proceeded to gag me and pinch my nipple piercings until I thought I was going to pass out. He still won't have sex with me; when asked directly why he said we weren't "there yet" (!?!)
Then, on Tuesday, I get a text saying: I doubt "love" will ever be the same...
And today he asks if I miss him yet. I don't know what to do with this. I love what he does to my body (though I'd really like him to fuck me at some point) but I don't want to be in a relationship with him (or anyone) and I don't like how fast he seems to be moving on the emotional level.
Am I over reacting? Are these "normal" responses? If I know I'm going to beg him to hit me harder next weekend, how do I respond to these emotions that I don't share?

I really hope someone can help, I like what we have, but I'm not looking for anything other than someone to kick my ass and screw me senseless. Oh, we live 5 hours apart and I live in a tiny town that doesn't have any prospects which is why I'm a little desperate.
Cheers!

 

[ultramarineblue]

If he's going to insist on a serious relationship, then it's not going to work.

Impact play is great and wonderful but you may want to learn a little about stuff so you can make sure you protect yourself. Consider educating yourself on aspects of bdsm. The library here is a great place to start. I would imagine there is a munch group that meets within an hour or so of your town. There is a link to a website somewhere around here. You might also connect with a group through another website, fetlife. I originally found the group I go to through the other website but actually started talking to people on fetlife.

Good luck.

 

[chy_girl]

Go with your gut. If it feels like it's moving to fast, it is. If it feels (and looks) like he's after more of a commitment than you're willing to offer, there is a good possibility.

As much as I understand the need for a beating of the good kind, it won't be worth the cost if what it sounds like you're thinking is happening is actually happening.

If it were me, I would take a break and breath - let my head clear, so to speak. Others here might have more practical solutions. Either way, listen to your instincts. And not just the ones that want a nice, long working over.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Go with your gut. If it feels like it's moving to fast, it is. If it feels (and looks) like he's after more of a commitment than you're willing to offer, there is a good possibility.

As much as I understand the need for a beating of the good kind, it won't be worth the cost if what it sounds like you're thinking is happening is actually happening.

If it were me, I would take a break and breath - let my head clear, so to speak. Others here might have more practical solutions. Either way, listen to your instincts. And not just the ones that want a nice, long working over.

Definitely this.

 

[chy_girl]

Definitely this.

^Her's too.

If the needs aren't matching, it's not going to work for long.

 

[Stella_Omega]

He's so excited to meet someone who will play as hard as you do-- he's thinking with the little head.

 

[Commedia]

Go with your gut. If it feels like it's moving to fast, it is. If it feels (and looks) like he's after more of a commitment than you're willing to offer, there is a good possibility.

As much as I understand the need for a beating of the good kind, it won't be worth the cost if what it sounds like you're thinking is happening is actually happening.

If it were me, I would take a break and breath - let my head clear, so to speak. Others here might have more practical solutions. Either way, listen to your instincts. And not just the ones that want a nice, long working over.

Again, this ^^^ If it feels like this is too much or too fast for you, then it probably is. Voice your concerns to him... if he doesn't like it or can't take it slower, it isn't going to work. Don't stay with him just for the sex if he wants more than that; you'll both end up getting hurt (And not in a way that you'll enjoy)

 

[chaosgirl42]

Thanks all. I guess I probably already knew most of that, but I really appreciate the outside, informed perspectives. Unfortunately my town of 3k is the largest city for 2 hrs in any direction so I'm really limited on playtime partners. I just hate having "those" conversations over the phone/email. I'll have to make some time to visit him and explain that this is all fun and games for me. (I like that term impact play, it seems the most accurate for these interactions.)

He was right about one thing, now that I've had this I doubt I'll ever be happy long-term without it *sigh*

UMB: I will definitely check out the library and hopefully figure out what a munch group is (?)

Thanks again!!

 

[YourCaptor]

I really hope this is the right place to ask this question. I don't know who else to turn to. I know this will be a little long, but I can't think of how to summarize.
4 years ago "R" and I fooled around a little (no sex). He had already started to pursue someone else and I told him to do that as I wasn't looking for anything serious. He did and they just broke up last spring. We didn't have any contact during that time. (I quit that job and we weren't very close anyway.)
We just connected again a couple months ago and he made it clear he was still interested. Last weekend I gave him a call and we basically started where we left off, but more intense. He's older than me (27 vs 41), and he was sort of my supervisor when we worked together, so there was always a Domination dynamic to our relationship. I've made it clear that I'm still seeing other people, and that I only called him because I thought it'd be a bit of fun. He seemed a little put out by that, but no more than I would have expected from anyone.
Anyway, a week ago Friday he turned my ass black and blue and I loved it. I left for the weekend and called him again on Monday and he proceeded to gag me and pinch my nipple piercings until I thought I was going to pass out. He still won't have sex with me; when asked directly why he said we weren't "there yet" (!?!)
Then, on Tuesday, I get a text saying: I doubt "love" will ever be the same...
And today he asks if I miss him yet. I don't know what to do with this. I love what he does to my body (though I'd really like him to fuck me at some point) but I don't want to be in a relationship with him (or anyone) and I don't like how fast he seems to be moving on the emotional level.
Am I over reacting? Are these "normal" responses? If I know I'm going to beg him to hit me harder next weekend, how do I respond to these emotions that I don't share?

I really hope someone can help, I like what we have, but I'm not looking for anything other than someone to kick my ass and screw me senseless. Oh, we live 5 hours apart and I live in a tiny town that doesn't have any prospects which is why I'm a little desperate.
Cheers!

Just straight out say, No, don't try to be nice about or anything just no. Then tell him you just don't feel any emotional attraction towards him, and that fact is out of both of your hands. It happens.

If his feeling are too strong then you shouldn't be teasing him.

 

[chaosgirl42]

Just straight out say, No, don't try to be nice about or anything just no. Then tell him you just don't feel any emotional attraction towards him, and that fact is out of both of your hands. It happens.

If his feeling are too strong then you shouldn't be teasing him.

I'm not sure what in my post gives you the idea that I'm teasing him. All that I know so far is it seems like he probably feels more than I do. Which isn't to say that I don't feel anything, just not as much. I don't see any reason to not be nice about it. But maybe you're confusing nice with soft. I'll be nice, but I will definitely be firm.

I'm actually hoping that I'm over reacting to all this and he'll tell me to lighten the fuck up and give me a nice long spanking for being wrong (hey, a girl can dream, right?)

 

[ultramarineblue]

A munch is a gathering usually in a restaurant where you can meet kinky folks in a vanilla setting. People don't show up in fetish wear. It's a good way to meet people to learn about different things.
Info on finding munches

Good luck!

 

[YourCaptor]

I'm not sure what in my post gives you the idea that I'm teasing him. All that I know so far is it seems like he probably feels more than I do. Which isn't to say that I don't feel anything, just not as much. I don't see any reason to not be nice about it. But maybe you're confusing nice with soft. I'll be nice, but I will definitely be firm.

I'm actually hoping that I'm over reacting to all this and he'll tell me to lighten the fuck up and give me a nice long spanking for being wrong (hey, a girl can dream, right?)

The failure of women, you just can't be straight.

 

[chaosgirl42]

The failure of women, you just can't be straight.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the "humor" in this statement is lost in the internet translation, and that you're not actually a misogynist.

But thanks for playing; try again.

UMB: wow, I really wish I lived a little closer to any population center. Meeting some people who are willing to discuss (as opposed to offer) these things in real life would be great. Thanks for the info and all the leads. I'm sure I'll figure something out, no one has ever accused me of being shy.

UPDATE: He still flirts over text, but has cooled on the "attachment" stuff. I just didn't respond to it in text form and, smart fella that he is, he picked up on it. This weekend should be an eye opener, but I get the feeling we're on the same page. Thanks again everyone!!!

 

[Cattypuss]

My only advice is to tread carefully. I was once in a similar situation (I was 32; he was 50 and a colleague and friend). I told him until I was blue in the face that I only wanted sex, nothing else.

Initially he said that, although he wanted more, he was totally on board.

I had to dump him when he repeatedly told me he loved me and wanted a relationship. I still feel bad about that episode, even though I COULD NOT have been any clearer with him, from Day One. I was instrumental in someone getting hurt quite badly and even though I felt I was doing the right thing by fucking him but making it clear that's all it would ever be, I know that 11 years on he still hurts from that. We occasionally speak and it's clear in the way he talks to me.

I still feel bad.

 

[SimonBrooke]

My only advice is to tread carefully. I was once in a similar situation (I was 32; he was 50 and a colleague and friend). I told him until I was blue in the face that I only wanted sex, nothing else.

Initially he said that, although he wanted more, he was totally on board.

I had to dump him when he repeatedly told me he loved me and wanted a relationship. I still feel bad about that episode, even though I COULD NOT have been any clearer with him, from Day One. I was instrumental in someone getting hurt quite badly and even though I felt I was doing the right thing by fucking him but making it clear that's all it would ever be, I know that 11 years on he still hurts from that. We occasionally speak and it's clear in the way he talks to me.

I still feel bad.

'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'

I'm going into a situation where I know there will be emotional entanglement and probably, ultimately, pain. Life is full of pain; pain isn't something we can avoid. Joy, however, is rare, and easily missed. Are you certain that your ex-lover does not now look back on the joy you had together with warmth and fondness and pride? Yes, I'm sure there was pain for him when you parted, but are you certain it was not worth it?

 

[Cattypuss]

Are you certain that your ex-lover does not now look back on the joy you had together with warmth and fondness and pride? Yes, I'm sure there was pain for him when you parted, but are you certain it was not worth it?

Thanks, Simon

No, I'm not certain, but I know how the probabilities lie.

 

[Primalex]

'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'

Of course he was talking about a guy there, not a woman. Whether the love for a _woman_ is worth the sorrow or not wasn't answered...

 

[chaosgirl42]

Cattypuss, I can appreciate what you're saying, and maybe you're just a nicer person than me, but people have to be held accountable for their own hearts too. I'm not going to intentionally lead him on, or in anyway "trick" him into thinking I'm falling for him if I'm not, but he has to be responsible for his own well being.
The fellow in your situation either a) doesn't take care of his own heart (and that doesn't make it your responsibility or b) like Simon says (HA!) even through the pain it was still worth it to him.

In my scenario the more we talk the more it seems like we're actually on the same level. He started off a little too heavy, but with minimal encouragement (or really, discouragement) he's backed off and instead of asking me if I miss him he just asks if I need to be spanked.

(Probably he'll get to the point where he really doesn't want anything more than to thrash me all night long right as I start falling for him, but c'est la vie)

 

[BiBunny]

Of course he was talking about a guy there, not a woman. Whether the love for a _woman_ is worth the sorrow or not wasn't answered...

Touche.

 

[chaosgirl42]

Sorry for the necro-post, but I got an inquiry about this situation and then there was a fairly interesting development.

The last time I'd seen him in Dec he'd made it very clear that he didn't have any idea what he wanted. Not from me, not from life. He couldn't express any clear desires and seemed content to not explain anything to me. So I essentially told him, "Well, I know what I want and you're obviously not on the same page as me. I guess this isn't going to workout. Bye." He seemed nonplussed, but offered no real resistance. I left.
No contact again till April when we grabbed an extremely awkward beer. I was stuck in that city and didn't have a lot of people to contact. We parted ways on seemingly the same terms as before. He seems to delight in abruptly walking away from me in public, an action that feels petty and childish.
Then, just last week, I texted him while I was up there for a conference and he said he'd love to grab a drink. I was a little surprised by his enthusiasm, but told him to meet me in the lobby. I didn't have very long, but we got a drink and lightly flirted for an hour. For the first time he actually seemed comfortable around me; I admit I found it odd. I let him use a flimsy excuse to come back to my room with me where he (finally!) took initiative and kissed me first. He suggested I blow off my other date and stay with him. I told him I couldn't and asked what changed. He said he was in a different space now. I must have mumbled something like, "that's nice" but without any further encouragement he simply stared at me. As I began to make for the door since I was already late. He pushed me against the wall and kissed me a couple more times, but I pushed him away and said, "sorry, I really am going to go". When we got onto the street he said something about calling him the next time I was in town, then did the abrupt departure thing again. I ran across the street to get my bike without answering or looking back.
He texted me a couple more times and I answered at my leisure and un-encouragingly. I suppose it's possible that I'll let him know some time I'm in that City again, but I kind of doubt it.
There was something vaguely alluring about his initial aloofness, but really his indecisiveness just bored me. I've done the "chase for the sake of the chase" thing before and that's not what this feels like, but it doesn't really amount to anything different. I actually liked the idea of staying friends with him knowing that we'd never "go there", that that little bit of tension could simply exist. I guess I got over him before he got into me (pun intended!)

 

[Stella_Omega]

My experience is that it's really difficult to top someone without stirring up a whole lot of feelings for them. When the top is unaccustomed to being able to play very often-- even more so.

I ran into this phenomenon this weekend-- I bottomed for a demo. My top is well known, very accomplished- and a slave, fully owned. I thought there would be some comradery after, but there was more than a bit of schmoop. This guy knew how to handle it gracefully but they don't call it "making love" for nothing, you know...