Story Discussion: 10/26/10. 'Strangers on a Bus' by Philosophette

[philosophette]

Hi everybody.

This is about 1,000 words long so won't take long to get through. It's a nonconsent story, and although some have said it's quite disturbing, it's not as nasty as some stories in that section.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498922

So,

-The shortness of the story, and the way it's told, is meant to convey a fractured quality to these memories. Have I pulled that off?

-Is it erotic?

And of course, I look forward to whatever else you have to say. Thank you.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Philosophette,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

The shortness of the story, and the way it's told, is meant to convey a fractured quality to these memories. Have I pulled that off?

I'm not sure about the story being fractured, but there's a certain austerity I liked. This candid narrative style helped suspend my disbelief regarding her reticence.

Is it erotic?

I didn't find it so. Was it meant to be?

And of course, I look forward to whatever else you have to say.

Hinting at much of the plot in your opening paragraph was an interesting choice. Maybe it's a matter-of-fact manner for this character to tell her story, but doing so sure lessened the tension, making the tale something of an anticlimax for me. What led you to make this choice? That said, this is a great line: he resides in my memory as the spur for my own deviant journey.

I found the quality of the writing superior, except for the abundance of adverbs, many of which are just plain extraneous. Example: Speechless, I slumped further into the corner, and shook my head pleadingly. He shook his head mockingly. Here's a link to a site that covers this issue in some depth: http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Their kiss was a total nose-scrunching ewwww! moment for me. Was this the reaction you wanted and am I the only one? I appreciated the crisp ending and that you went with a realistic form of molestation that I could see happening in that situation instead of being silly and trying to do too much with it.

While your story may have a few minor issues, overall it's a well-written piece and a real story too. I gave it a five.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[philosophette]

Thank you Penelope Street,

I'm not sure about the story being fractured, but there's a certain austerity I liked. This candid narrative style helped suspend my disbelief regarding her reticence.

I guess what I meant was the lack of descriptive details overall, yet being very desciptive when talking of a certain part of his anatomy. I was definitely going for austerity though.

Hinting at much of the plot in your opening paragraph was an interesting choice. Maybe it's a matter-of-fact manner for this character to tell her story, but doing so sure lessened the tension, making the tale something of an anticlimax for me.

Good point.

What led you to make this choice?

I'd like to say Kafka, but really it was just thoughtlessness. I should have realised, with this kind of story, that I could get more tension out of it

I found the quality of the writing superior, except for the abundance of adverbs, many of which are just plain extraneous. Example: Speechless, I slumped further into the corner, and shook my head pleadingly. He shook his head mockingly.

All I can say with that example is that the way they shook their head was important, so the adverbs were more necesary than some of the examples in that link. His action mirrored hers, but with a twist. I haven't got time at the moment but I'll see if I can think up a rework of that sentence without the adverbs and still get the same effect.

Again, thank you. This was exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi philosophette,

Thanks for casting your lot into The Circle. I thought this was a sharp, cleverly crafted, and fun little read.

The shortness of the story, and the way it's told, is meant to convey a fractured quality to these memories. Have I pulled that off?

I thought you did it quite nicely. I'm with Penny insofar as the style your story was written in lent it a sort of inherent credibility. There was romanticized matter-of-factness to your delivery that I enjoyed. It produced little tidbits of austere but vibrant prose like the one below that resonated for me:

...he sucked up my every gasp.

If I were you, I'd use this as your descriptive tagline for this story. It's a slick little image that IMHO distills your entire piece.

Is it erotic?

It struck me as more graphic than erotic, although non-consent is not up my alley so adjust accordingly.

And of course, I look forward to whatever else you have to say. Thank you.

As Penny mentioned, there were a few stumbling blocks here and there in your prose but nothing that put me off. I too liked your first paragraph:

I can't remember the particular features of his face, though I vividly recall other parts of him. That moment may have been important, but it was also fleeting, and I can only try to recount it the best I can (after all, I was only eighteen at the time). If I'm honest he could have been anyone. He could have been any stranger with darkish hair, any man who was about twice my age, any pervert who fits into this vague category. But anyway, it's the act that matters, not his individual appearance. For him, it was a perfect opportunity to debauch a helpless schoolgirl. For me, it was the moment I was forced to face the dark side of my sexuality. I was there as flesh for his use, and he resides in my memory as the spur for my own deviant journey.

As a matter of style though, I think it could have been sharpened for economy and to eke a bit more out of your nifty parallel language. I took a stab at some suggested tweaks below though there are folks here that could do much better:

I can't remember the particular features of his face, though I vividly recall other parts of him. My experience may have been important, but it was also fleeting, and I can only try to recount it as best I can. If I'm honest he could have been anyone. Any stranger with darkish hair. Any man who was twice my age. Any pervert who fits this vague category. What mattered were his actions, not his appearance. For him, it may have been an irresistible opportunity to debauch a helpless schoolgirl, but for me it was the first moment I was forced to face a darker side of my sexuality. I was flesh made available by chance for his brief use. He would reside in my memory as the spur for my own deviant journeys to come.​

I struggle with adverbs too and the more I write the more I learn to hate them. Honestly, they're like nails on a chalkboard these days so I see where Penny is coming from on this sentence:

Speechless, I slumped further into the corner, and shook my head pleadingly. He shook his head mockingly.

I understand your point, philosophette, (or think I do) with respect to trying to paint a contrasting picture via the particular way the characters shake their heads. It would have been like looking into an awful mirror for her. With that in mind, how about something like:

Speechless, I slumped further into the corner, and shook my head, pleading. He shook his own to match, mocking me. It was like looking into an awful mirror.​

Overall, gave it a '5.' Do carry on,

-PF

 

[Penelope Street]

I guess what I meant was the lack of descriptive details overall, yet being very descriptive when talking of a certain part of his anatomy.

Seeing an erect penis for the first time is memorable, so it's natural for her focus to be there.

I struggle with adverbs too and the more I write the more I learn to hate them. Honestly, they're like nails on a chalkboard these days...

I understand your point, philosophette, (or think I do) with respect to trying to paint a contrasting picture via the particular way the characters shake their heads.

When you get right down to it, a major issue (maybe the issue?) with adverbs is, even when they're not redundant, they're still telling instead of showing.

So back to that sentence for even more nitpickiing. With her other body language, can her silent head shake be anything other than a plea? So I think the whole pleading thing can just go away, but when he shakes his head in reply, saying that he does so in a mocking fashion does add something; yet would be stronger still to simply show us what he does and invite us to decide why he's doing it?

...he resides in my memory as the spur for my own deviant journey.

The more I think about this line, the more I think it's the use of spur that really makes it work.

 

[philosophette]

PacoFear - I like your tweaks to the first paragraph. It seems to have a bit more flow to it (something I always worry about in my writing).

Penelope Street - I know what you mean in regards to showing not telling. I guess it's about having confidence in the reader's judgement.

 

[PacoFear]

PacoFear - I like your tweaks to the first paragraph. It seems to have a bit more flow to it (something I always worry about in my writing).

Thanks. For me, the first and last paragraphs of a story are the most important. Like the first and last smooch you give a lover, you want them to be perfect. And for similar reasons.

 

[Pure]

"strangers on the bus"

overall, nicely executed. below are mostly some quibbles, excepting the last point.

i agree with penny's //there's a certain austerity I liked.// but i'd add, that that's by lit's purple standards. if you're serious, perhaps *more* austerity is called for, IMO.

i've bracketed a few 'non austere' points of this para, which has already been rehashed a bit.

I was about to protest, when I faced him, and froze, mouth agape [with shock]. He had unzipped himself, and was stoking his erection whilst his eyes wandered up and down my body. Speechless, I slumped further into the corner, and shook my head, pleading[ly]. He shook his head, mocked me. As his one hand stroked his prominent organ, his other inched along my [sensitive inner thigh] and disappeared under my plaid skirt. I squirmed and tried to push away [his searching hand] but was too weak. When he inevitably reached his desired target he splayed his fingers against it, palpating it with tender sureness. My face turned bright red, and I wanted to turn away from his [cold smirking] gaze, but didn't dare.====

including from the above para, these are some clanking phrases in the story.


my sensitive inner thigh


my delicate little fingers


his invading tongue lashing
====


there is occasional inconsistency of diction, unless you're trying for coyness, e.g

down his [nether regions], taking him towards climax. A controlled groan left his lips, and [spurts of his cum]

---

minor typo:
. Then he sat back besides me and

====
"is it erotic?"

i see two possible meanings:

"is it genuinely erotic" --- possibly, if pruned.

"is it pornishly erotic"-- on occasion.

some of the issues mentioned above suggest to me you have to decide what you're writing. the earlier cited phrases are perfectly fine in porn, and might secure engorgement in the not too wary.
but as if it's to be serious or at all authentic, they--and similar-- have to be deleted or revised.

 

[CeliaisAliena]

Vigorous but puzzling

There's a boldness, and a structural austerity, that I find commendable here. But I also think there are a few issues that might be reconsidered. I commend the brevity but, within its confines, there are a few things I'd perhaps tweak.

The narrator does convey her ambivalence about this experience, which was surely intended for the purposes of the story. But is it really quite the right kind of ambivalence?

I feel like the story could use a tad more context about the narrator. She's dressed in schoolgirl uniform obviously, and she's innocent; also, speaking from her present, she's now into some kind of dark sexuality, and this episode was-- good choice of word-- the "spur" to that exploration. Actually, *he* was the spur.

But if he awakened her "deviant" sexuality, maybe there should be one or two oblique hints in her self-reflection that it was already there-- maybe if the narrator were to speak of how, in her eighteenth year, she felt an unease in her life, something stifled growing within. I feel that, arguably, she's not as afraid of the man on the bus as she should/would be, but also perhaps that some suggestion of a kind of self-fear would be approrpriate. Something that suggests the girl who got on the bus already had this cloud of desire hanging over her head, before the man materialized to grope her-- as if, somehow, he were the response to an untoward silent prayer. OTOH, if she's meant to be an innocent blank slate, the reader might be excused for caring less, or for taking the story as a melodrama about a victim who's now caught in self-loathing destructiveness. That kind of story could work-- but I don't really sense that's what you're after.

I also feel like some of the language itself is more reflective of (erotic) romance and may not convey the sort of hard disturbed edge that (I think) the story is after-- but I may be wrong about this. But when, for instance, the agitating throbbing of his prick becomes a noun-- "I stared at his agitation" (at least I think that makes it a noun: she could be staring at the *process* of his dick enduring its agitation!)-- that does seem a bit too purply for the scenario. Too euphemistic. I doubt her present "deviant" self reflects on cocks in this language-- and it's to be asked whether her previous self on the bus would have used this mental language either.

Maybe the heroine has read a lot of romance novels, and the language is actually getting at what I suggested above (her adolescent yearning for erotic fulfillment), but some of the word-choices don't feel to me optimized to convey a scene of brute assault. The action of the story telescopes in on these two people, a scene to which the public on the bus is oblivious. It's true you haven't made this nearly as extravagant as a lot of writers would, but I'm undecided whether details like his grabbing her wrists and putting them above her head work or not. It feels overt! I'm trying to think whether a perv on a bus would do something so gratuitious or not. Of course the narrator understandably feels like she's six miles below the sea while this is taking place, but she's not. Grabbing her wrists would emphasize that this is a physical assault, no? For all I know things like this play out just like this all the time. But it seems to me the perp would not want to underline, for his victim or any onlookers, that he's actually got this girl restrained and is doing things to her. For his purposes, she needs to remain sort of 'hypnotized' while this is taking place. Not struggling, and sort of self-frozen from explaining to herself 'this is an assault.'

Those may be very unrealistic quibbles on my part, idk! I'm not unaware that the narrator may be trying to convey her pleasure, as opposed to regret, in the whole thing; she's on her dark journey now, and since that's obviously meant to be ambiguous the reader needs to suspend some of her expectations in approaching this story. And I think it makes a good stab at achieving that goal.

But, without really altering the overall scenario, I'd consider asking whether the words and the play-by-play all work to one effect or not. The choice, it seems to me, comes down to whether the narrator replays her sense of a kind of glorious defilement (her version of the Fortunate Fall, as it were!) or whether it's about the anonymous ravaging by a faceless perv. I think she *wants* it to be a Fortunate Fall (but maybe you intend her as an Unreliable Narrator?). Maybe I'm falling into the trap of being literal and dodging the duality of *his* blankly molesting her, a furtive criminal act, and *her* life-changing awareness of the same act, something that has unavoidably changed her destiny, a duality the heroine has to live and struggle with. But I think the contours of that struggle could be brought out a little more firmly. It might close a couple of doors, but I think it could open others-- make it more brutaly upsetting, or just more erotic if that's intended. As a reader, I feel like I need a couple more hints to guide me down the path of emotional engagement, even if those hints don't actually tell me anything certain about the narrator's internal reality.

 

[CharleyH]

Hi everybody.

This is about 1,000 words long so won't take long to get through. It's a nonconsent story, and although some have said it's quite disturbing, it's not as nasty as some stories in that section.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498922

So,

-The shortness of the story, and the way it's told, is meant to convey a fractured quality to these memories. Have I pulled that off?

-Is it erotic?

And of course, I look forward to whatever else you have to say. Thank you.

I'm just going to be straight with you, and I really hope that you don't take offence because I like the concept of this vignette, and yes, I will call it a vignette because I'm not sure that 1000 words is enough room to really get a story. Keeping this in mind, I think you have some good thoughts and think you are moving in a good direction. The problem for me is that you tell the whole story rather than show it. This is the reason that I don't think it's erotic. To exemplify what I am talking about I will simply refer to the first paragraph ... you set up the story by letting us know that the character has the same thoughts as a rape victim might have, but there is really no rape or non-consent taking place in the story because the character caves to the man's touch without any hesitation.

Also, I see no fractured quality to the characters memories in this vignette.

What I'd like to see as a critic is you deleting the first paragraph all together and beginning with 'he made himself acutely aware to me by resting his hand on my bare knee'.

What I'm trying to say is this ... forget the retrospective feelings of the character ... start at the moment she is aware of the pervert as he touches her knee. 'I was about to protest' is passive. As a reader I want to know WHY she didn't protest. It's much more exciting if she starts by describing her feelings about his first touch ... was she disgusted, repulsed, strangely aroused enough to let him keep touching her? If so, why? I don't mean why in the sense of what her history is, I mean immediately why ... did it feel good? How?

So much to say. I think you need to rework this piece to make it a moment alive, a vignette ... that makes a reader feel right there and now with the character.