feelings for your Dom...

[SynnR_SainT]

,.....

 

[MisterSir]

I have no idea how to bring this to his attention.

This is where that magical thing called 'talking' comes into play. Don't tell us, tell him. If he still maintains he doesn't want you as anything more than his sub and you can't deal with that, your only choice is really to leave.

 

[praefect]

Yeah. Lines were getting blurred, I could see what she felt and wanted to say and I told her, none of it is real. I told her that what she was going through was very new, and confusing her. This wasn't love, it was a side effect of submission and, I thought (but didn't say) a means to counteract her fear of abandonment. A "If I love him he will love me and then he won't go anywhere" type of deal. I told her we shouldn't see each other anymore.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Bottoming to a Top without feelings or emotion I can understand. But submitting without feelings? No way, at least not for me. I don't think I would have the same level of trust or commitment if I didn't love my dominant and more importantly if he didn't love me.

However, since we are both married we have set up boundaries. From the very beginning there is the hard fast rule that our families come first. We both like our home lives just as they are, and it is clear to both of us that that will never change, ever.

Having that safety net allows my heart to open up to love.

If you need love to fully submit and he can't give it, either enjoy the depth you have or move on.

 

[rida]

Been there, blurred the lines and told the Sadist I loved him 6 months into seeing each other.

He understood that it was a side effect of submission and did not rebuke nor answer me.

When I repeated it in a less charged situation, that is not during/right after play, his only comment was "if it makes you more obedient".

The fact that we were/are both happily married to other partners and had/have no intentions to break up our own marriages, made it possible for him to understand that I was not asking him anything in return, but only to just accept what I was feeling for him.

Two years later, we are still together. I love him, he loves me. I'm his submissive, his toy, but also his friend. However no, I'll never be a lover or a girlfriend. And I'm ok with that.

ETA:
Not everybody seems to need to mix emotions and D/s.
However it seems that I'm hearing of a strong separation more from the PYL than from the pyl, as I've come across time and again to PYL that claim they cannot yield the full power and unleash their beast if they love their pyl. And at the same time it seems common for pyl to say they cannot submit without loving their PYL.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Been there, blurred the lines and told the Sadist I loved him 6 months into seeing each other.

He understood that it was a side effect of submission and did not rebuke nor answer me.

When I repeated it in a less charged situation, that is not during/right after play, his only comment was "if it makes you more obedient".

The fact that we were/are both happily married to other partners and had/have no intentions to break up our own marriages, made it possible for him to understand that I was not asking him anything in return, but only to just accept what I was feeling for him.

Two years later, we are still together. I love him, he loves me. I'm his submissive, his toy, but also his friend. However no, I'll never be a lover or a girlfriend. And I'm ok with that.

ETA:
Not everybody seems to need to mix emotions and D/s.
However it seems that I'm hearing of a strong separation more from the PYL than from the pyl, as I've come across time and again to PYL that claim they cannot yield the full power and unleash their beast if they love their pyl. And at the same time it seems common for pyl to say they cannot submit without loving their PYL.

That bolded bit expresses mine too. We're in a relationship, but we're not a couple.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I'm going to be the odd one out, but I don't think I could submit without being loved in return, but then my D/s relationship springs from my marriage, so the love was there to begin with...

 

[NomadLady]

My Dom has specifically told me he is not looking at me for anything more than just being his sub. I on the other hand am beginning to feel more for him. I have no idea how to bring this to his attention. It is becoming very hard to not want to express myself to him in that way. We have great communication between one another but I keep holding myself back on my deeper feelings for him. He hasn't given me any signs of possibly making this more but he has mentioned how it is hard for him to have a sub who is also more and that he has always found it impossible to manage. I'm kinda stuck I guess you could say. Anyone been in a similiar situation?

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, if he doesn't want it, it's not gonna happen and you are gonna get hurt. Feelings like that might wane in time but "IF" I were you, I'd move on.

He's already told you he doesn't want it, hasn't worked in the past for him so I really, really wouldn't express those feelings to him because he has told you they won't be returned.

 

[JMohegan]

My Dom has specifically told me he is not looking at me for anything more than just being his sub. I on the other hand am beginning to feel more for him. I have no idea how to bring this to his attention. It is becoming very hard to not want to express myself to him in that way. We have great communication between one another but I keep holding myself back on my deeper feelings for him. He hasn't given me any signs of possibly making this more but he has mentioned how it is hard for him to have a sub who is also more and that he has always found it impossible to manage. I'm kinda stuck I guess you could say. Anyone been in a similiar situation?

What do you mean by the phrase "just being a sub"? How often do you see each other, and what do you do when you're together?

Are you cleaning his house? Fucking? Both? Something else...?

 

[SynnR_SainT]

..........

 

[NomadLady]

I do it all. He allows me to have a vanilla life. He actually encourages me to find someone in the vanilla world but honestly, I am not attracted to that side anymore. I do not live with him. He lives a good 4 hours from me so he texts and calls me when he can not make it.

When he "can't" make it???? How often does he make it and for how long?
and if you don't live together then you aren't doing "it all" for him. Sounds like it's your place and you are just doing what everyone does where they live....

 

[the captians wench]

ETA:
Not everybody seems to need to mix emotions and D/s.
However it seems that I'm hearing of a strong separation more from the PYL than from the pyl, as I've come across time and again to PYL that claim they cannot yield the full power and unleash their beast if they love their pyl. And at the same time it seems common for pyl to say they cannot submit without loving their PYL.

I think I'm wired weird.

I have this habbit of catagorizing people in my life. I can submit to some one completely, and have no romantic feelings for that person what so ever. Not just bottoming, but a real comitment like.

Where things become difficult for me is when some one wants to move out of one catagory and into another, or even worse, wants to be in more than one catagory. I have a hard time adjusting to that. It's like my mind puts people in a nice square box, slaps a fat lable on the side, and does not open it for examination again.

 

[blanketpatterns]

I think I'm wired weird.

I have this habbit of catagorizing people in my life. I can submit to some one completely, and have no romantic feelings for that person what so ever. Not just bottoming, but a real comitment like.

Where things become difficult for me is when some one wants to move out of one catagory and into another, or even worse, wants to be in more than one catagory. I have a hard time adjusting to that. It's like my mind puts people in a nice square box, slaps a fat lable on the side, and does not open it for examination again.

Very well put! I categorize people in my life exactly the same way. Personally, I've just started sleeping with my best friend of 10 years who is vanilla. I couldn't submit to someone I didn't love but now I love someone I can't exactly submit to.

 

[rida]

I think I'm wired weird.

I have this habbit of catagorizing people in my life. I can submit to some one completely, and have no romantic feelings for that person what so ever. Not just bottoming, but a real comitment like.

Where things become difficult for me is when some one wants to move out of one catagory and into another, or even worse, wants to be in more than one catagory. I have a hard time adjusting to that. It's like my mind puts people in a nice square box, slaps a fat lable on the side, and does not open it for examination again.

I don't think you are weird, I think you are just wired, as you said, for keeping people (and relationships I presume) in neat boxes and categories.

As for myself, I find it that I have no problem in letting people evolve in and out of categories and labels. Also because I too change and evolve and at times I'm the one that moves out of my own previous category. And in the past it has happened that it was the people around me that resented my change and could not reevaluate how to relate with the changed me.

 

[callinectes2]

And then there are those of us that are wired for a D/s Relationship with a one and only partner/SO/spouse, etc. I learned early on that I fall into that category. Bottoming does not interest me at all, I have to be at least somewhat emotionally invested just to have sex. Being in a poly relationship is something I could not handle.

If you have feelings for this man and want the relationship to deepen but he clearly does not want the same, then I'd get out sooner than later. JMHO

 

[callinectes2]

I think I'm wired weird.

Not wierd at all. None of this is one size fits all.

 

[eroszamp]

Words are everything you need. Talking solves most of the problems.

 

[SynnR_SainT]

.......

 

[NomadLady]

Ok, to update everyone a little...we havent been able to see each other as much as we would like. His job has been holding him back a lot within the last few weeks. He has become more possessive over me. He has made me change my profile picture on Facebook because I was showing too much cleavage therefore it could make someone interfere with what we have. He has became jealous, very jealous. I personally find no problem in it because he doesn't go on a huge nut about it. He will calmly talk to me about it. We were talking the other night and he was telling me how he noticed he was becoming jealous and such towards. He said he's never had that happen before. Of course I'm thinking, ok, this is not good to be making your Dom jealous and having him go through all these crazy emotions(?)..but when he told me he has never done this before to any other sub made me wonder if he is starting to have deeper feelings or am I doing something wrong to be making him have these possessive feelings???

You took the picture down as he asked....keep the lines of communication very open. If he is confessing this jealousy and saying it has never happened before there is a chance he is starting to have the feelings for you that you want....but don't get your hopes up too quickly. What could you be doing that is increasing his feelings of possessiveness?

 

[SynnR_SainT]

.......

 

[Bandit58]

Be very very careful. Jealousy and possessiveness = red flags = insecurity on his part.

I had an ex husband like this. That is (partly) why he is my ex....

 

[Stella_Omega]

Be very very careful. Jealousy and possessiveness = red flags = insecurity on his part.

I had an ex husband like this. That is (partly) why he is my ex....

Ditto on this.

How long-- really-- has he been in the lifestyle? Do you know?

What we all hope, of course, is that two soulmates have met. All too often, it's one person letting his nastier side run free-- and not the sexy kind of nasty...

So be a little bit pulled back, a little bit alert. Great sex and a lot of fun sexualising your everyday life do not mean the person you're playing with is the right person to attach to.

 

[SynnR_SainT]

......

 

[fuckmeat]

Be very very careful. Jealousy and possessiveness = red flags = insecurity on his part.

Bazinga.

Healthily dominant men should have more self assurance than this. You have made it clear that your feelings for him go beyond your current dynamic and yet he's still insecure enough to spit his dummy out over some online cleavage.

BAD SIGN.

He should not get to be possessive over a woman he insists that he doesn't want to possess 90% of the time.

he's been in the lifestyle for 10 years and ive been in the lifestyle for 2 years but spent 3 years learning.

So he says.

Honestly, he cannot have it both ways. He cannot tell you you're a sub and not a partner or lover, encourage you to find a vanilla partner that you don't want, and then have the audacity to get pissy about your FB pic. Seriously, what does this say to you? Right now he has you jumping through hoops for him when he probably does nothing except play with you occasionally. Are you telling me that this is what you want from a long term dynamic?

In my opinion, based on what I've read here, he's an arrogant asshole who is causing you far more grief than he's worth.

Based on your posts here, I'd advise you to ditch the moron and find someone truly capable of reciprocating your feelings.

£10 says your FB status is 'single' so in my opinion you should be able to post whatever damn picture you like.

And my instant gut reaction on reading your post about the FB pic was that he's probably fucking around with other women in all this spare time he has. Cheaters often get very insecure about their partners, because their reasoning is that if they can get away with it then you might too.

But since you're not actually 'together' surely you can fuck who you like? Right?

Didn't think so.

Like I said, he can't have it both ways. Sub does not equal doormat.

Please love, wake up and smell the steaming crap here.

 

[SynnR_SainT]

......