Actions speak louder than words.

[Mephistophelily]

Please, do not quote this message.

He says that he loves me, but his words seem to contradict his actions...

I've been with the same guy for 10 years, married for 5.
We have two kids.
Our second was born in February, and I've been upset with my husband since two months before this...

I fell down the stairs in December. When I called out for help, he just opened the bedroom door and yelled at me to get up and go to work. I ended up having troubles breathing while I was driving and spent 3 hours in the ER. When he found out about it, he told me I had been been paranoid and had no reason to go there.

I lost my job a few weeks after that, and my car started having issues, so I just stayed home until the baby. When I went into the hospital, he sent out 2 year old son with my mom and that he would give him a special day while I was in the hospital, and that he would make sure the house was ready for us all when I was coming home.

Son was at my mom's the entire time.
When son came to see me with my mom, he was bawling. He wanted to see his dad and do the special day he was promised. I asked the Dr if I could go home the second morning (I had a c section on a friday afternoon, and this was Sunday.) They said I was doing ok enough that I could if I was cautious at home, so they discharged me. I called him for a ride... and he was there three hours later.

The house was trashed. I ended up getting the baby to sleep and was cleaning and making dinner within twenty minutes of being home. He didn't get why I was mad at him.


My car is still out of service, sitting in the driveway for now a year. He made a comment a bit ago that he was wanting to say something to a boss that may get him in trouble, quipping that "if it goes wrong, maybe I can come tell you to go get a job so I can sit around on my ass all day!" That hurt terribly. I do have a job right now; taking care of my kids and trying to keep up on this place. I don't get help in either of those... I feel like I have three children, not two and a husband.

I've been having mental breakdowns at least twice a week for the past 8 months, crying for hours at night. He tells me he expected it to happen again and just walks away. I don't get why he can't see what's causing it. I tried to sit down with him and talk about it, that I felt he was being selfish, that he was really hurting me... These talks aren't doing anything. He just says he's sorry I feel that way.

He swears that he loves me, he'll declare it up and down and sideways. But he won't stop being this way. He simply doesn't get it at all, and I don't know how to make him realize that he's hurting me incredibly. I do love him, but I don't know if I can keep taking this.

I miss the man I met in high school. I miss the man I married.
I love him, but I don't love this him.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know, maybe I am overreacting.


Please, please, do not quote this message.

 

[Firebrain]

Men are just as likely as women to get pre/post-natal depression. Will he see a doctor? He needs to help himself to be better if he wants you to stick around.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Counseling.

Preferably for both of you, for you alone if he won't go. Some of his actions seem downright abusive to me.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with counseling. I can't tell from your post whether you are the problem, he is the problem, or you both have a problem. I do have to suggest though that you have to realize that at least part of the problem is you.

 

[SweetErika]

Counseling.

Preferably for both of you, for you alone if he won't go. Some of his actions seem downright abusive to me.

Absolutely!

What kind of person doesn't show concern when someone they care for hurts themselves, much less when their wife who is very pregnant falls down the stairs?

What kind of a husband lets his wife--who has just had major surgery--come home early from the hospital, take care of the kids, clean, cook, etc.?

The other stuff is just as bad, really. You need to get help ASAP so you can take care of yourself and your little ones. Remember that they don't deserve to be in an abusive environment any more than you do.

If nothing else, can you call a domestic abuse hotline, describe the situation, get their take on it and see if they can refer you to some help? Often there's lots of free help available for those willing to help themselves.

Also, do you have a trusted friend or family member you can get support from?

 

[de_valmont]

Erika, you are not only sweet, but you are right

only in the sense that she is puzzled and frozen where she should react and help herself and her children i would sign the statement that she herself was part of the problem.

what makes one post such a call for help on lit? I am new to this site, maybe that's why I cannot imagine to post such a message here. I was surprised when I read the answers, positively, especially Erika's.

 

[Mephistophelily]

I've talked to my mom on it.

I just don't know how to say anything to him. I mean, I've tried. I want to go to councelling; I know we need help in some way. Even if I can just go myself. Maybe it is all just my head making this worse, I don't know. When I've tried to ask him to go or to let me go, he says he doesn't think it's worth it. That its expensive and we have other medical bills to deal with first.

The reason I ask here is, despite some of the jerks that may show up from other areas, I do trust some of the thoughts given by others, especially Erika. I'm afraid to ask it openly to others I know around me, as they'll blow it out of proportion and go after my husband.

I really don't think he realizes what he's doing to me.... I hesitate to call it "abusive" because of the way he is toward me aside from these, lack of words... Moments of his. We'll be completely happy, and then he'll say something or do something that just hurts me to the core. They just keep happening more and more, but then he'll insist that he loves me dearly and never meant to hurt me like that.

 

[SweetErika]

what makes one post such a call for help on lit? I am new to this site, maybe that's why I cannot imagine to post such a message here. I was surprised when I read the answers, positively, especially Erika's.

How To in particular is an incredibly supportive community that deals with all sorts of issues. Honest advice with the best of intentions (even if it's not what someone wants to hear) is the name of the game for about 99% of the people who hang out here.

Welcome to Lit and How To.



Mephistophelily, I'm not going to quote you unless you say it's okay, but here are my thoughts on your latest post, kind of in order:

I don't think it's all in your head at all. Like the title says, actions speak louder than words. It's awfully hard to interpret the actions you've described differently. If you're giving us the facts (and I have no reason to believe you're not), his behavior is a HUGE deal. It's wrong and abusive, end of story. Your first step on the road to recovery is likely recognizing that and not minimizing your thoughts and reactions to such behavior.

I'm sure there's free or very low cost help available if you want it (and it sounds like you really do). I'd suggest just going on your own at this point. You can always include him later if that's something he wants, but this is really your issue in the sense that you need to get yourself healthy and do what's best for you and your kids, period. Your husband is probably at least somewhat afraid of you letting others know what's going on and therefore likely won't support even free counseling, but that's not your problem.

If you don't have your own transportation to get to counseling, can you ask your mom or a friend to take you? You don't have to give such a person details on why you're going, just let them know it's critical to your wellbeing and that of your kids, and you seriously need the help right now.

Have you done some research into what constitutes abuse and how abusers typically behave? They're generally incredibly skilled at reeling their victims in with words and displays of caring before casting them out again. Hopefully people who have been emotionally abused and professionals can give you some great advice, but my read is that your situation sounds exactly like the stereotypical abusive relationship. Regardless of what it is, you deserve health and happiness, and it doesn't sound like you have either at the moment.

You're doing a wonderful job talking about this. Not many people are strong and brave enough to have this sort of discussion. x 12

 

[Bandit58]

Mephistophelily, you are being emotionally abused. I know, because I have been there.

Your husband is acting like he doesn't know what he's doing to you but believe me I think he does. I made excuses for my ex too - he's just thoughtless, he doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know how much it hurts me...but I believe he knew. It was all to do with his jealousy and insecurity. He was afraid I would leave (which I eventually did) so he eroded my self esteem to keep me with him, so I wouldn't have the confidence in myself to get away.

I suggest you have a read of this:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Don't make the mistake I did and stay for more than 20 years. When I eventually did leave, my son (18 at the time) asked "What took you so long?" Kids see what's going on even when you think they don't.

I hope you will feel free to PM me if you'd like some more insight

 

[Kikori]

Even if he IS honest about loving you (in which the case is he's not in love or showing it whatsoever), the abuse is still there.

I'm tossing my vote in with the "get him to work on stopping, or get out fast" party.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

"I love you, baby. I don't know why I did that. I promise I'll never do it again."

Until the next time. Hit or hurt, punches or put-downs, it's abuse.

"Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

* Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
* Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
* Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
* "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
* Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
* Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real."

The problem with emotional and verbal abuse is that the abuser tends to escalate and the abuser gets further and further worn down.

You need counseling and now. Maybe your mom can help you by giving the real life support you need to stand up for yourself. Also, contact a domestic violence group wherever you are. You can google your state and "domestic violence" or ask your local police department for a number to call.

There are people who want to help you. You need to see what he's doing is wrong so that he can see what he's doing is wrong.

 

[simplegirl]

Abuse is sneaky. We all wonder how someone abused manages to stay in a relationship for years and why they "take" the abuse. It's because it starts subtly, here and there, a jab, shaking your self-confidence, until you're more or less "brainwashed" into thinking you deserve it. You're already wondering if it's your thinking making it out to be worse than it really is.

An abuser's favorite line "I wouldn't have to hit/yell/say hurtful things to you if you didn't tick me off/nag at me, etc...." And it slowly and methodically becomes your fault, in the abuser's eyes. If it started all in a rush, women would manage to get out much more easily.

Your priority is to yourself and your children. Best of luck to you.

 

[Mephistophelily]

I read that thing, Bandit.

A lot of it really hit home.

I'm going to try to talk to him again.
Our kids may still be little, but I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive dad. I guess that's also why I'm so doubtful on what he does as being abusive. It's not what dad did to me, so it can't be... but I still end feeling close to the same way dad made me feel.

 

[SweetErika]

There's the key right there, M. The actions may be different, but the result is very much the same.

I grew up with an emotionally abusive dad who was incredibly sneaky about it. I don't think he meant to be abusive, but he certainly did mean to be incredibly controlling and act with without any consequences. There was a lot of anger, put-downs, trying to control things like how my mom loaded the dishwasher, tons of cheating and controlling our money (so he could--and did--buy whatever expensive toys he wanted and my mom often didn't even have enough for new shoes or groceries if it was after the 20th of the month).

Even without very obvious abuse, it was a pretty toxic environment for me because I learned bad behaviors from both of my parents - trouble with boundaries and relationships from my mom, and being controlling from my dad. I think my mom's screwed up relationship-wise for life, even though she's had extensive counseling; she's so afraid of repeating any of her experiences that she's hypercritical of potential mates and has what's probably an unreasonable amount of boundaries.

Out of curiosity, what do you think your husband would do if he read this thread?

Is there any potential for physical abuse or violence in your relationship?

 

[cloudy]

Mephistophelily, you are being emotionally abused. I know, because I have been there.

Your husband is acting like he doesn't know what he's doing to you but believe me I think he does. I made excuses for my ex too - he's just thoughtless, he doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know how much it hurts me...but I believe he knew. It was all to do with his jealousy and insecurity. He was afraid I would leave (which I eventually did) so he eroded my self esteem to keep me with him, so I wouldn't have the confidence in myself to get away.

I suggest you have a read of this:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Don't make the mistake I did and stay for more than 20 years. When I eventually did leave, my son (18 at the time) asked "What took you so long?" Kids see what's going on even when you think they don't.

I hope you will feel free to PM me if you'd like some more insight

This.

He's showing the classic pattern of abuse: horrible actions/words followed by sweetness and light to keep you sucked right in there.

Please get some help, either together or alone, and consider beginning preparations to leave.

Men like this seldom change (speaking from very long experience), and the longer you stay, the harder it is to get out.

Much luck and love to you. I've been there.

 

[Mephistophelily]

I don't really know what he'd say about this thread.
I've tried talking to him so much, but he doesn't seem to get it.
If he saw this? Maybe he'd finally see that I'm so bothered by it I ended up talking to strangers since he won't hear me. Or he'd get angry with me for talking about our relationship; I don't know. Would he hit me? No. I know that firmly. He would not hit me or our kids. He may be hurting me with his actions, but I know he would not hurt me with his hands.

 

[cloudy]

Judging from my past experience (and I could be totally off about this), he would probably say that you're exaggerating, that he does nothing that bad, and what he does is because you provoked him/brought it on yourself.

I really hope I'm wrong. Honestly, I do - for your sake, but the things you've related here sound eerily like what I used to have to go through....and then it got worse. You say he would never hit you, but I used to say the same thing. Behavior like what he's exhibiting tends to escalate, not taper off. I started taking karate so that I wouldn't have to be afraid one more damn second.

Please, please, please....do something about it now, whether its getting counseling or getting your kids and getting the hell out. I don't wish to see even one more woman go through the shit that I (and many, many others) have had to go through.

 

[Gil_T2]

Mephistophelily, There are no set rules for abusers so just because your husband dosen't abuse in the same way as your dad dosen't change the facts that it is mental abuse you are recieving now.



I started a thread here on the Lit How To boards some time ago to heal a lady who was suffering both mental & physical abuse but many others also dropped in to tell their own abuse & help others who are suffering abuse of all kinds & many survivors too.

I think this thread could also help you......
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

 

[Flowerbox]

This is abuse, clear and simple. A mental abuser is just as bad as a physical abuser. He'll try to make you see yourself as the cause of the problem... promises made and not kept... swearing his love for you... despite the fact that his actions clearly belie his words. IMHO, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "love." He just uses the word to give you hope that things will change, and to keep you under his control. It's sad, but even after all this time together, I think it's time to seriously consider making a clean break from him. It will be better for you, and better for your children.

 

[sbelle79]

AMEN Girl!

Ive said that many times and with a few facts changed you could have been talking about me.......sigh.....

I prefer not to discuss these sorts of details here, but should you ever need a sounding board or just someone to talk to that understands what you are going through, feel free to PM me.

I will say this though, KNOW that you are worth being happy also. KNOW that if you arent happy those kids arent happy - NO USE resorting to thinking that if they are happy it is worth foregoing yours. DONT let your peers influence any actions or decisions on your part unless it is what YOU want and NEED to do. They are not you, nor do they live your life....but many are quick to tell you what you should be doing, and possible judging you for not. Your true friends, will offer comfort and support, regardles of the choices that you make. Surround your self with positive things and distance yourself from negativity.

Just some things that I felt like would have been useful should someone in a similar situation had told me long ago.....but instead had to figure out for myself. Ofcourse, even if they HAD told me, you still have to BELIEVE it for yourself.

 

[Mephistophelily]

I talked with my mom again today. I went online at work and found a counselor not far from me. Mom said if I make the appointment, she'll take the kids and bring me there.

I'm just scared. I don't know what he'll think of all this. I've tried so hard to be open with him, tell him everything that bothers me, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I still believe he doesn't get what he's doing, that he's simply doing without thinking, without realizing- but every time I try to tell him, he writes it off as me overreacting.

I don't know what's going to happen. But talking to you guys has made me realize I need to go do this. I'm just scared he's going to leave or make me leave for doing it...

 

[SweetErika]

Good for you, M!

Seriously, if he leaves or makes you leave for taking care of your mental health, good riddance. Loving partners simply don't do that; they support their partners in getting the help they need because they realize it'll benefit everyone long-term. Think about defining love as "doing the higher good for the other person." If he's not doing what's best for you, he's not loving you, and why would you ever want to stay with someone who didn't love you (or expose your kids to a loveless relationship)?

You deserve to get help.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be around people who love you (yourself included).

 

[kimbalee]

Good for you, M!

Seriously, if he leaves or makes you leave for taking care of your mental health, good riddance. Loving partners simply don't do that; they support their partners in getting the help they need because they realize it'll benefit everyone long-term. Think about defining love as "doing the higher good for the other person." If he's not doing what's best for you, he's not loving you, and why would you ever want to stay with someone who didn't love you (or expose your kids to a loveless relationship)?

You deserve to get help.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be around people who love you (yourself included).

agreed with Erika, 100%

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm just scared. I don't know what he'll think of all this. I've tried so hard to be open with him, tell him everything that bothers me, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I still believe he doesn't get what he's doing, that he's simply doing without thinking, without realizing- but every time I try to tell him, he writes it off as me overreacting.

I don't know what's going to happen. But talking to you guys has made me realize I need to go do this. I'm just scared he's going to leave or make me leave for doing it...

This is for your well being & health both metal & physical!!!

Naturally he won't be pleased as this is breaking his control of you so don't tell him untill you have done a lot of the counselling & you have a clearer picture of what is BEST for you & the children.

As for "He's doing without thinking or realizing" is total BULLSHIT! he knows full well what he is doing!

As for him leaving or kicking you out this would be the best thing for you & the children, difficult to cope with & deal with but the long term benifits will be worth it.

 

[Bystander]

my two cents, sounds like you're making a lot of excuses for this guy. He is either the most dense guy in the world or he just doesn't care. I hope you can sort your problems out and can work with him on this but if not you should consider your own health as well.