Story Discussion: October 15, 2010. "Ethereal Muff" by goldenpalomino

[goldenpalomino]

As a virgin author who is interested in learning and growing as a writer, especially in the erotic sphere, I hope you'll indulge me in reading the following story and offering some suggestions.

Ethereal Muff; First-time With a Couple on a Remote Canadian Bayshore

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498400
(2 pages, 5,693 words)

The story reveals one of my favorite sexual encounters with my wife, outdoors, on the shores of Georgian Bay, Ontario. It delves into the fantasy realm when a couple surprises us on the shore.

There isn't much of a plot, for I wrote it quickly and was eager to get my thoughts out there. In the future, I intend to write greater descriptions of characters and landscapes, add more personal observations, create more suspense & mystery,..

1. Does the Literotica audience appreciate a more raunchy story, more of a plot, or both?

2. Do you care more or less what the Literotica audience thinks, and does that work for you?

Any suggestions are helpful.

Thank you, enjoy, and I look forward to learning, reading and growing with you.

goldenpalomino

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Golden,

Thanks for stepping into the Circle. I took a stab at your questions below, although they're not the typical Circle questions. The focus here is traditionally on the particular story being posted as opposed to general Lit questions.

1. Does the Literotica audience appreciate a more raunchy story, more of a plot, or both?

It's a mixed bag here, but, IMO, the majority of Lit folks are looking for both: a story with a plot that includes some raunchy interludes.

2. Do you care more or less what the Literotica audience thinks, and does that work for you?

Sorry, I don't follow your question. Does what work for me? I do care what the Literotica audience thinks. That's why I post here. Now and again I post something that I know going in is going to be less popular. For me, that happens in multi-chapter stories because, for story arc reasons, a chapter or two might have less action (sexual or non) than the other chapters. At that point though, it's a conscious decision. I'm clicking submit and expecting a lukewarm reception. Sometimes, though, the readers can surprise me. That's when I feel the reader love the most.

Any suggestions are helpful.

Umm, I suggest you ask more specific questions about your story?

Golden, your story is what we call a "stroke piece." No plot. No character development. No tension. Not to be unkind, but this story isn't so much about you and your wife as it is about your cock and where you get to put it. Sorry, but that's not of much interest to me.

It's hard to dissect your story because there isn't much to work with as it were. We're left with assessing the quality of your prose. On my read, the narrative starts out okay but takes a quick downturn at the tail end of paragraph two:

The air is heavy with the sweet scent of the surrounding forest. I'm enthralled with Jennifer's round, athletic thighs and in imagining my cock sliding between them and in her wet pussy.

The first sentence is nice, but the next one is a complete non sequitur. It breaks the flow because it doesn't follow and and doubly so because it's expressed so crudely.

Clearly you're entranced by women's thighs. You refer to them 34 times over the course of a two-page story. It may be exciting for you, but it's repetitive for a reader. Your adjectives get repetitive too. You like "round," "athletic," and "shapely" a little too much.

And not to pile on here, but sorry, but you're sexual dialogue is atrocious.

"Fuck my pussy!" she pleads "Fuck my pussy with your cock!"

"Give me your pussy!" I plead "Move that pussy with my cock!"

I don't know what your marital pillowtalk is like in real life. Perhaps this is how you and your wife communicate in bed. To me it reads like dialogue from a bad porn movie.

Moving on, the introduction of the second couple is handled poorly. There's no awkward, funny, tense conversation like there is in those kinds of situations in real life when you're caught publicly in flagrante delicto. (oops, I meant 'would be in those kinds of situations.' That kind of thing, um, you know, errr, never happened to me and my wife, ever. ) Nope, you merely say "why don't you take off your dress so I can see your pussy." Yes yes, this is fantasy but even fantasy has it's limits, dear boy. Otherwise, we'd all be reading stories about men stopping women on the street and telling them to take off their dresses so they can see their pussies.

Other than that, you need to remove the parenthetical explanations from your story. They're breaking up the narrative. I'd say get rid of the author's note in the beginning too, it really just summarizes the story.

So your shopping list for your next story should look like this:

• plot

• character development

• realistic dialogue

• varied descriptions

Hope this wasn't too harsh. If it was, we can blame it on the fact that I ran out of coffee. I'll punch out and let others chime in.

-PF

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Palomino,

Thanks for sharing your work with us.

1. Does the Literotica audience appreciate a more raunchy story, more of a plot, or both?

2. Do you care more or less what the Literotica audience thinks, and does that work for you?

It depends a little on the category, but my experience is that readers who vote seem to prefer real stories with plot, character, and conflict.

There isn't much of a plot, for I wrote it quickly and was eager to get my thoughts out there.

As literature goes, this tale is fairly ho-hum, but considering you are a novice writer who didn't intend to include any tension, it's a good effort.

So how much did you edit this story after you wrote it? I don't mean just fixing obvious errors, but really giving it a good scrubbing; adding, removing, and rearranging- all the while asking what each sentence adds to the tale?

Here's an excerpt from the story:
I'm not sure if she is in the mood for sex, or if she wants to risk getting caught in the act by someone passing by, so I awkwardly attempt to hide my erect cock. I can't hide it though, not in thin shorts, and I don't want to hide it, I need her pussy on my cock.

I face Jennifer with my erect cock bulging in my shorts.

See how all over the place this moment is? First he tries to hide his erection, presumably for his wife's sake. Then he realizes he can't, though he doesn't say why not. Then he decides he didn't want to hide in the first place and brazenly displays himself.

So what does this really add to the story?

In the future, I intend to write greater descriptions of characters and landscapes, add more personal observations, create more suspense & mystery,.. Any suggestions are helpful.

Of these, I think adding suspense is what could take your story to the next proverbial level.

You might have added suspense simply by having one partner reluctant to have sex in public. You had another opportunity to inject tension when the other couple appears- what if one of the characters doesn't like being watched or isn't interested in a group scene? Or what if the other couple is somehow threatening? Generally speaking, the more difficult you make things for your characters, the greater the suspense can be.

I hope that helps a little. If you have some more specific questions, feel free to ask!

Take Care,
Penny

 

[goldenpalomino]

I have a lot of work/play to do!

Thank you PF,

I appreciate your honesty, insight and suggestions, and that you took the time to review the story.

Your suggestions are just what I need to begin as a decent erotic writer, and I very much appreciate your help.

If you were not honest and straightforward, it wouldn't do me much good.

Wow, there is a lot of work I need to do to improve the writing, yet it will be mostly fun to do so.

I will improve the prose (what there is of it), add a plot, character development, tension, realistic dialouge, varied descriptions, and more, as you suggested.

I've been thinking about the story all night and day since I looked at your comments, and there are so many improvements I will make.

Reading other stories, such as your own, helps immensely as well.

Cheers, GP

Hi Golden,

Thanks for stepping into the Circle. I took a stab at your questions below, although they're not the typical Circle questions. The focus here is traditionally on the particular story being posted as opposed to general Lit questions.


It's a mixed bag here, but, IMO, the majority of Lit folks are looking for both: a story with a plot that includes some raunchy interludes.


Sorry, I don't follow your question. Does what work for me? I do care what the Literotica audience thinks. That's why I post here. Now and again I post something that I know going in is going to be less popular. For me, that happens in multi-chapter stories because, for story arc reasons, a chapter or two might have less action (sexual or non) than the other chapters. At that point though, it's a conscious decision. I'm clicking submit and expecting a lukewarm reception. Sometimes, though, the readers can surprise me. That's when I feel the reader love the most.



Umm, I suggest you ask more specific questions about your story?

Golden, your story is what we call a "stroke piece." No plot. No character development. No tension. Not to be unkind, but this story isn't so much about you and your wife as it is about your cock and where you get to put it. Sorry, but that's not of much interest to me.

It's hard to dissect your story because there isn't much to work with as it were. We're left with assessing the quality of your prose. On my read, the narrative starts out okay but takes a quick downturn at the tail end of paragraph two:



The first sentence is nice, but the next one is a complete non sequitur. It breaks the flow because it doesn't follow and and doubly so because it's expressed so crudely.

Clearly you're entranced by women's thighs. You refer to them 34 times over the course of a two-page story. It may be exciting for you, but it's repetitive for a reader. Your adjectives get repetitive too. You like "round," "athletic," and "shapely" a little too much.

And not to pile on here, but sorry, but you're sexual dialogue is atrocious.



I don't know what your marital pillowtalk is like in real life. Perhaps this is how you and your wife communicate in bed. To me it reads like dialogue from a bad porn movie.

Moving on, the introduction of the second couple is handled poorly. There's no awkward, funny, tense conversation like there is in those kinds of situations in real life when you're caught publicly in flagrante delicto. (oops, I meant 'would be in those kinds of situations.' That kind of thing, um, you know, errr, never happened to me and my wife, ever. ) Nope, you merely say "why don't you take off your dress so I can see your pussy." Yes yes, this is fantasy but even fantasy has it's limits, dear boy. Otherwise, we'd all be reading stories about men stopping women on the street and telling them to take off their dresses so they can see their pussies.

Other than that, you need to remove the parenthetical explanations from your story. They're breaking up the narrative. I'd say get rid of the author's note in the beginning too, it really just summarizes the story.

So your shopping list for your next story should look like this:

• plot

• character development

• realistic dialogue

• varied descriptions

Hope this wasn't too harsh. If it was, we can blame it on the fact that I ran out of coffee. I'll punch out and let others chime in.

-PF

 

[goldenpalomino]

Thank you, Penny!

I was in a hurry to write and get a story out there, so I didn't edit very much, as is apparent. Plus, it was so much fun to write and I haven't done anything like this before.

Once a story is listed/published in literotica, can an author go back to edit it whenever the mood strikes them?

Thank you for your advice and insight, and for having this forum! I'll go back to your advice often, as I will with Pacofear's advice.

Cheers, GP

 

[goldenpalomino]

Muff & Thesaurus for Erotica?

Is there a thesaurus for erotica anywhere in this forum?

When used in an erotic sense, is "muff" generally taken to mean the patch of hair right above a pussy, does it generally mean something else, or do you not think of anything in particular when that word is used?

By the way, thank you for allowing me to post my first story here.

Cheers, GP

 

[goldenpalomino]

Is it better to use "cum" or "come" or does it depend?

 

[PacoFear]

Is there a thesaurus for erotica anywhere in this forum?

You'll find a host of guidance articles with a thesaurus or two at Lit's Writer's Resources

When used in an erotic sense, is "muff" generally taken to mean the patch of hair right above a pussy, does it generally mean something else, or do you not think of anything in particular when that word is used?

There is likely to be some divergence of opinion here, but for me muff refers to the entirety of a woman's nethers, not just her pubic hair, if in fact she does have pubic hair. By that I mean it would be odd to use the term muff for a gal who has shaved/waxed herself bare. At any rate, I'm not sure I would use the term as part of a narration. There's a kind of undertone of silliness to muff. Best to save it for dialogue.

Is it better to use "cum" or "come" or does it depend?

Opinions vary here too, but the rule of thumb around these parts seems to be that cum is a noun while come is a verb.

That said, I buck convention because I'm a disagreeable bastard. I prefer to separate the two words by context rather than their parts of speech. So for me, cum is the sexual noun, cumming is the sexual verb, and come and coming retain their traditional non-sexual meanings.

Golden, I wouldn't agonize over the sexual jargon so much. It can be fixed easily enough on an edit by you or someone else after your story is through. Better to focus on making your characters real people who interact with each other in an interesting and meaningful way before they have sex. That way when the smutty part comes, there's context. It's the context that gives your story real heat.

Just my $0.02. YMMV.

-PF

P.S. Yes, you can edit a story you've already posted. Just resubmit the edited version of the story again using the same title, but with "EDIT" tacked onto the end of the title.

 

[Penelope Street]

I have a lot of work/play to do!

It's really refreshing to see a new writer embrace the challenges ahead in this manner.

When used in an erotic sense, is "muff" generally taken to mean the patch of hair right above a pussy...

That's exactly what I think of when I see the word, and what I mean when I use it. I've never considered it to be a silly term.

Is it better to use "cum" or "come" or does it depend?

This has been discussed I don't know how many times and there are bound to be those who are passionate about it one way or another, but for the vast majority, if you're constistant within the story I don't think it really matters. If you do choose to use cum as a verb, you are left with the awkward issue of what exactly is the past tense.

That said, if you're using either verb form of the word in prose, there's probably a livelier way to convey the experience to the reader; so instead of just telling the reader Leslie came, consider describing exactly what the narrator witnessed when Leslie came.

In your story, you actually did both. Example:
Owen holds her pussy tight against his large cock as she continues to squirm and cum, squirming everywhere except where her pussy seems fused with his cock.

Consider whether or not this moment is sexier without the part where we're told she's cumming, which also gets rid of the doubled squirming.

Owen holds her pussy tight against his large cock as she continues to squirm everywhere except where her pussy seems fused with his cock.

I wouldn't agonize over the sexual jargon so much. ... Better to focus on making your characters real people who interact with each other in an interesting and meaningful way before they have sex. That way when the smutty part comes, there's context. It's the context that gives your story real heat.

I agree, this is far more important than minor terminology issues.

 

[goldenpalomino]

Thank you penelope & pacofear

With your more experienced, generous, and sage advice and suggestions, I'm busily rewriting the story and making it better.

 

[goldenpalomino]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498400

 

[goldenpalomino]

Update to story

I updated the story "Ethereal Muff" & made some significant changes:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498400

Thanks for taking a look at it originally, pacofear & penelope!