Feedback - advice and constructive criticism

[GlitterKitten]

This is my first post on the forum and it's about my first story on the Literotica site. I have already had some great comments on 'The Proposition' and first of all I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to post and vote, but I'm here to ask for a little more feedback and constructive criticism on the piece.

My future dream is to write erotica full time but until then I hope to continue to hone my skills by writing stories for this site. In order to do this I need to know where I'm going wrong in the pieces I'm writing at the minute so I can work on fixing those problems. On the same note, if there's anything you particularly like it would be wonderful to hear about that as well.


The Proposition (lesbian sex)

Thank you.

 

[OnnaDare]

GlitterKitten, color me impressed!

You really seem to have a good grasp of all technical aspects, and your imagery and descriptions are great! Short and sweet and to the point - I can see you doing this professionally!

Kudos,
Onna

 

[GlitterKitten]

Thank you! That was a wonderful first response! I appreciate you taking the time to read and review xx

 

[PacoFear]

Read it. Liked it. A solid vignette and a stellar first offering.

-PF

 

[Saucy_Sage]

You do a nice job with description -- the reader can really feel what is happening. One thing in particular you need to work on is varying the structure and length of your sentences. For example, these two, from the first and second paragraphs, can be broken up to much better effect.

I could tell that Tania had already poured herself three or four generous glasses of red wine as soon as she welcomed me at her front door from the sweet, heady scent of grape on her breath as she kissed me hello, her lips stained messily dark like a kid playing with her big sister's make-up.

She took me by the hand and led me into her living room where she poured me a large glass of wine of my own as I hung up my coat, revealing the slinky black velvet dress I had chosen to wear.

Maybe:

I could tell Tania had already had three or four glasses of red wine. She welcomed me at the front door with the sweet, heady scent of grape on her breath. The lips that gave me an innocent hello kiss were stained like those of a kid playing with her big sister's makeup.

She took me by the hand and led me into her living room. While she poured me a glass of wine, I hung up my coat, revealing the slinky black dress I had chosen to wear.​

This last sentence actually illustrates my other point. You have a lot of sentences with "ing" participles in them. Most of the sentences read: action clause - comma - participle - descriptive clause. For example, your second paragraph has three of them:

She took me by the hand and led me into her living room where she poured me a large glass of wine of my own as I hung up my coat, revealing the slinky black velvet dress I had chosen to wear. I drank down the wine gratefully, enjoying the smoothness on my tongue, the sweetness against my taste buds, the slight burn at the back of my throat. As I drank, Tania put on her favourite CD and began to sway to the soft music, her slender body moving lithely beneath her burgundy satin dress.

As you become more conscious of the length of your sentences, you'll probably end up with fewer, and more widely spaced, sentences like this.

Overall, I thought it was a good first effort. Keep it up, GlitKit!

 

[GlitterKitten]

That's brilliant, just the sort of thing I'm looking for. Thanks for taking the time to read and come back to me with advice. I really appreciate it. xx

 

[Saucy_Sage]

That's brilliant, just the sort of thing I'm looking for. Thanks for taking the time to read and come back to me with advice. I really appreciate it. xx

De nada. Welcome to Lit!

 

[SwiverGuy]

Great advice, Saucy Sage!

Saucy Sage, your advice is so good I'm going to take it on board..

Although I'm aware of the value of varying sentence lengths in paragraphs, I have a tendency to write long and convoluted ones if I'm not careful.

BTW, during editing, I use the text-to-speech feature on my MacBook to hear how it sounds. The mechanical voice is an advantage, since it removes the otherwise distracting emotional inflections and lets me focus on the words and rhythm. It's great for proofreading as well.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Glitter, welcome to Lit and many congrats on a super debut. Thanks for flagging it here. Your description is great. I offer some observations to help, I hope, rather than knocking your writing.

As always, Super_Sage offers great advice and these are my other observations.

Ellipses (. . . ) are not pauses, they represent a line of thought tailing off and, in any event, should be used sparingly. Pauses can be shown by commas, semi-colons or even repeated words

when I said I was bored of men... I hoped you'd get the hint. I want... I want to experience being with a woman

when I said I was bored of men I, I hoped you'd get the hint. I want, I really want to experience being with a woman.

Dialogue should be separated by paragraphs. Each time a different character speaks, this should start a new paragraph, even if it is only a single word.
Try this example (and the ellipsis is right here);

Tania inhaled sharply as she revealed me, and I sat up, wondering if she was OK. "I'm fine," she promised, "it's just that... Jesus, Donna, you're so beautiful. Look at you. So fucking edible."

I lay back and felt another rush of warmth flood my pussy. "So why don't you eat me then?" I offered, feeling suddenly bold.

Tania inhaled sharply as she revealed me, and I sat up, wondering if she was OK.

"I'm fine," she promised, "it's just that... Jesus, Donna, you're so beautiful. Look at you. So fucking edible." I lay back and felt another rush of warmth flood my pussy.

"So why don't you eat me then?" I offered, feeling suddenly bold.

First person POV has many pitfalls and here are three you fall into:

If I said I wasn't shocked or surprised I'd be lying

We’d been going along happily in Donna’s head, experiencing the ride then – wham, bam – we are thrown out and treated like a measly third party reader. For me, this change really jars.

To keep us there and feeling the shock you need something like the ubiquitous, “I stood there like a deer caught in headlights.” Or “my cheeks were burning as the shock and surprise of her words hit me.” This is a pivotal moment and you can afford a bit of emphasis.

My breasts were larger than her own, and she spent a long time just holding them, kneading them, suckling and biting at them, enjoying their heaviness and how they moved under her hands.

In first person you can’t know what is in another character’s mind unless you use dialogue. Here Donna can’t know Tania is enjoying the heaviness of her breasts unless Tania tells her or Donna reads it her friend’s eyes or actions.

You start too many sentences with “I”. ‘I stood, I laughed, I nodded . . . Part of this comes, I think, because you put too much detail in. This is fiction; they are not real women so the wine glass gets put on the table without being explained.

Towards the end, your paragraphs get longer and longer until they’re out of control. On the internet, with backlit, rolling screens, around 6 to 8 lines of text per paragraph is around the max a reader can cope with.

All this is just mechanics. I offer it because I really enjoyed your story and am looking forward to you flagging up your second submission (soon).

Girl done well.

 

[GlitterKitten]

Thank you so much for all the advice, elfin_odalisque. I will definitely take all of this on board and try to learn from it for my next piece of writing. I appreciate your time and expertise