Where to start?

[liv21]

Hi there. First post and I know there are plenty of them like this, but I figured my concerns were individual enough to deserve their own thread. We'll see I suppose.

Anyway, I recently expressed interest to my fiance about trying some bondage/dominance play. The thought of being commanded by him has always turned me on, and we're very close so I had no problem asking him if he'd try it.

Now he was very open to it; we've got our light BDSM kit in the mail (comfortable cuffs, blindfold, and tickler/whip). The funny thing is, I'm not sure how this is going to go down once we get to it.

I've had plenty of dominance/submission fantasies, but I have no idea what he knows about it. I want rules, punishments, commands, and (rather important to me) orgasm control. I'm afraid if he just tells me to get on my hands and knees so he can fuck me from behind, it won't be as much fun as a drawn-out experience.

So how can I, as a brand-new sub, tell my brand-new dom how I want him to act?

 

[ivantheterrible]

find some books or even stories on this forum that turn you on and show them to him.

 

[liv21]

Ooh, that's a great idea. He's not much for reading porn, but he knows I prefer it. I'm sure he'd learn a lot from having a look. Thanks!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<Snippage>.... The funny thing is, I'm not sure how this is going to go down once we get to it.

I've had plenty of dominance/submission fantasies, but I have no idea what he knows about it. I want rules, punishments, commands, and (rather important to me) orgasm control. I'm afraid if he just tells me to get on my hands and knees so he can fuck me from behind, it won't be as much fun as a drawn-out experience.

So how can I, as a brand-new sub, tell my brand-new dom how I want him to act?

First rule of ANY relationship that's going to last:

Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-frickin'-CATE!
​

In other words, do just as you did when you first expressed your interest in it to him: TALK to him, discuss what you want and/or need, and discuss what HE wants and/or needs.

 

[fuckmeat]

You have to stop thinking of it as 'telling him what to do' and approach it more as 'furnishing information.' As a new dom, he's going to need clear direction on what's ok for you. You can't expect him to telepathically know what you want to try and what you don't. Once he's more comfortable about dominating you, he won't need any pointers but for now, the more you communicate the fewer unpleasant misunderstandings and disappointments you'll have.

 

[VelvetSin]

Tell him about your fantasies in a "I was daydreaming and imagined we were here, and then this happened, and this is what it did to me" sense, but not in a "do this, and this, and this" sort of way. Start with the tamer ones and work your way up after you can gauge his reaction. Maybe it'll give him a starting point to learn what really gets you melty.

Try to adopt a more submissive role in bed, maybe? When he does get a bit aggressive, melt into it and let him feel the putty he can turn you into.

 

[graceanne]

You have to stop thinking of it as 'telling him what to do' and approach it more as 'furnishing information.' As a new dom, he's going to need clear direction on what's ok for you. You can't expect him to telepathically know what you want to try and what you don't. Once he's more comfortable about dominating you, he won't need any pointers but for now, the more you communicate the fewer unpleasant misunderstandings and disappointments you'll have.

Yep, yep, and yep. Especially the bolded part. A checklist is always helpful, too. It tell him where your limits are, and what you're interested in, and what you're willing to do but aren't interested in.

 

[DVS]

Hi there. First post and I know there are plenty of them like this, but I figured my concerns were individual enough to deserve their own thread. We'll see I suppose.

Anyway, I recently expressed interest to my fiance about trying some bondage/dominance play. The thought of being commanded by him has always turned me on, and we're very close so I had no problem asking him if he'd try it.

Now he was very open to it; we've got our light BDSM kit in the mail (comfortable cuffs, blindfold, and tickler/whip). The funny thing is, I'm not sure how this is going to go down once we get to it.

I've had plenty of dominance/submission fantasies, but I have no idea what he knows about it. I want rules, punishments, commands, and (rather important to me) orgasm control. I'm afraid if he just tells me to get on my hands and knees so he can fuck me from behind, it won't be as much fun as a drawn-out experience.

So how can I, as a brand-new sub, tell my brand-new dom how I want him to act?

The suggestions you have received are spot on. First off, you need to communicate with him. His version of bondage/dominance play could be quite a bit different from your version. If you have no idea how to go about explaining to him what types of areas you might want to explore, find stories that you think are interesting, so you can show him what you might enjoy.

Just as a side note, you mentioned orgasm control. I have a rather interesting story (in my not so humble opinion) I could turn you on to, that involves orgasm control. PM me, if you would like to know more about it. In the beginning, you might not find something that exactly expresses what you want him to do, but just giving him an idea of where your head is will help a lot.

He might need some help with how to dominate you. If he does, don't look at it like you are telling him what to do. I think the stories will give him ideas soon enough. Because he's agreed to your request, he must have some interest in it. That's good. If he's just doing this for you, he will eventually lose interest. Bondage and dominance is very much a two way street. You both have to be into it for it to work as it should. Sure, he can go through the motions for a while, but if he is just doing it to please you, there will be a time when he will lose interest.

As already mentioned, take it slow so you both can get your feet wet...so to speak. Anything you suggest to him, as something you read in a story, will hopefully give him ideas of his own. If everything works and you both have kinky minds, eventually, things will take off and you won't have to suggest anything to him because he will soon develop his own plan of attack. Good luck and have fun.

 

[graceanne]

As already mentioned, take it slow so you both can get your feet wet...so to speak.

Yep. Remember, you only get the thrill of doing it for the first time once. Enjoy them, those thrills don't come back.

 

[liv21]

I appreciate all the responses.
Just FYI, I already have been talking a little bit more about it with him. He's actually quite excited about it. I asked him a few non-specific questions, like if he thought he could handle commanding me; I was a little concerned because he's not very verbally commanding as of yet. He responded "no question," making me think he's more in to it than I originally thought.

He agreed, with enthusiasm, to reading a story I have yet to pick out for him. I figure it'll give me a good starting point so I can pick out things and say "this is hot," or perhaps more importantly "do not do this."

I definitely agree to the part about taking it slow. There's plenty I'm eager to jump into, but I'd love to see what things he'll come to doing, without me telling him, just by gauging my reactions. There's plenty of time to perfect the method through experimentation.

Perhaps a little off topic, but I found this funny. I also told him that I think this fantasy sprung up from our engagement--wearing the ring the night he proposed to me made me feel much more submissive, like I was his. I remember him saying it was so hot too. It was like dipping the tiniest toe into the D/s water.