Fred's fantasy

[Mrtouf]

"No... I had to change into a different bra, the one I had on was killing me," Frederica admitted, looking down for a moment then straightening her top.

Tegan nodded sympathetically. "I know, the standard issue bra is so uncomfortable, if it wasn't for the uniform regulations I'd never wear mine. So, what have you got on under there?"

Impulsively, Frederica unsnapped her uniform top and pulled up the tee underneath to show her friend the lacy bra she had put on earlier.

"Nice," Tegan remarked, raising a hand to touch and stroke the material. "It's soft, and it shows your breasts off very well."

"Mm, it does," Frederica agreed, feeling a thrill of excitement as Tegan examined the bra closely. "Do you like my breasts?"

Tegan chuckled a bit, her fingers still sampling the texture of the garment, and she stared for a bit at the fleshy globes presented before her. "They're lovely," she answered after a while. "Could I uh, take a peek underneath?"

Frederica almost asked her to repeat the question. "Sure, if you like."

She felt Tegan's fingers tug at the lacy garment, pulling it away from her skin.

"Very lovely," said Tegan, giving a little sigh of appreciation as she unashamedly ogled the pink nipples and areolae. Without asking this time, she slipped her hands inside and caressed Frederica's breasts.

Frederica sighed, feeling sweet relief. "Oh, Tegan."

"Frederica." There was a prodding at her shoulder, and Frederica wondered why Tegan was prodding her instead of fondling her boobs.

"Frederica!" She snapped out of her daydream abruptly, as Tegan prodded her again.

"Sorry, I was...." Frederica started, then looked down at her fastened uniform. "I was light years away," she admitted.

"Must have been a whole lot better than standing around here. And you avoided my question," Tegan remarked with a grin.

"Yeah. Uh, what did you ask?"

"Never mind. We should both get moving," Tegan said, waving her hand dismissively.



​

So I have this scene in my new draft where Fred (Frederica) has a fantasy about Tegan, who at the moment is just a good friend, although each of them would like it to be something more. So in part it stems from frustration, Frederica wishing that something exciting would happen between them, even though in the 'real world' Tegan is always making flirty remarks and Frederica backpedals instead of flirting back.

I don't know if this is the best way I could have done it. I did consider summing up it up in a paragraph or two, again with Tegan prodding her back to the real world. I'm also thinking that a reader might feel a little cheated after reading this bit. What would you think?

 

[Sanichi]

Fred??

if you can change the name I can give it some clear thought, because I'm still thinking Fred is a man's name. The most manly of man's names - Fred Flintstone for instance.

Fred Flintstone in a bra... <shudder>.

 

[Mrtouf]

Okay then.

I suppose I could just pick a different name for her, thus avoiding the issue. I've edited the original post with her full name for the moment.

 

[CopperSkink]

Fred's just fine.

Without trying to sound harsh, you have terrible comma use.

I think the scene as it stands is perfect, me being a fan of teasing setups. These are the scenes we don't want to skimp out on because they're plainly what clue people that it's time to take the cocks out. If you leave them hanging at the end of this scene, they'll start reading faster to the point of skipping ahead to get to the two in bed.

If the story ends with the two getting into bed, I would draw out the overall flirtation but keep the story within the 3k-5k word range. If there was more to it, I'd get them in bed together fairly quickly.

 

[Mrtouf]

It's straight from the longhand so at this stage it's always going to be overflowing with commas. That is what you meant, right?

I introduced Fred because my first go-around produced a story with no real beginning. So very close to the start of this new version, Fred sets the scene by telling us (indirectly) that power is out across most of the ship, which is more of an inconvenience than just pitch blackness and some stuck doors.

Knowing the ship like the back of her hand, Fred is naturally the first one who gets to the crew quarters to open the uncooperative doors and let everyone know what's going on.

The downside to this is that Fred and Tegan aren't going to have some 'time alone' until the middle of the story. On the upside they aren't the only couple in the story, so not as much pressure for them. It's probably going to run to 12k to get what they need to turn the power back on and jump in and out of bed a few times.

 

[CopperSkink]

I'm getting very interested in this story. I have one chapter in a five-part arc where my nine heros go on a cruise, but it went flat after a few thousand words.

I'm not critisizing you for having too many commas since the rule is you have as many as you need. No, your problem is you have them where you don't need them instead of where you do.

I'm quite intrigued. I may have to coerce you into letting me edit this piece using a roll of toilet paper and a one-ounce Rusky-English dictionary covered with cobwebs.

 

[Mrtouf]

I think that in order to stick with a long piece, you have to start writing down where you're at with the story and what you still need to fill the gaps, and don't be afraid to jump in at a new bit and start exploring. I didn't start this thing with an outline at all, but as the months have gone by I have come up with one. I find that when you have two known points and a road map it's easier to get from A to B, put it that way.

Point taken on commas. I guess, I've got into a bad habit of editing them out, and not in the right places.

When I've got a typed copy of the new stuff, you can have a peek at it, then. It might give you some ideas.

 

[Sanichi]

Without trying to sound harsh, you have terrible comma use..

I read the sample a few times and found comma use exemplary. Can you give some instances of "terrible" use? Perhaps just one each of where it isn't needed, and another where it is.

"No... I had to change into a different bra, the one I had on was killing me," Frederica admitted, looking down for a moment then straightening her top.

Tegan nodded sympathetically. "I know, the standard issue bra is so uncomfortable, if it wasn't for the uniform regulations I'd never wear mine. So, what have you got on under there?"

Impulsively, Frederica unsnapped her uniform top and pulled up the tee underneath to show her friend the lacy bra she had put on earlier.

"Nice," Tegan remarked, raising a hand to touch and stroke the material. "It's soft, and it shows your breasts off very well."

"Mm, it does," Frederica agreed, feeling a thrill of excitement as Tegan examined the bra closely. "Do you like my breasts?"

Tegan chuckled a bit, her fingers still sampling the texture of the garment, and she stared for a bit at the fleshy globes presented before her. "They're lovely," she answered after a while. "Could I uh, take a peek underneath?"

Frederica almost asked her to repeat the question. "Sure, if you like."

She felt Tegan's fingers tug at the lacy garment, pulling it away from her skin.

"Very lovely," said Tegan, giving a little sigh of appreciation as she unashamedly ogled the pink nipples and areolae. Without asking this time, she slipped her hands inside and caressed Frederica's breasts.

Frederica sighed, feeling sweet relief. "Oh, Tegan."

"Frederica." There was a prodding at her shoulder, and Frederica wondered why Tegan was prodding her instead of fondling her boobs.

"Frederica!" She snapped out of her daydream abruptly, as Tegan prodded her again.

"Sorry, I was...." Frederica started, then looked down at her fastened uniform. "I was light years away," she admitted.

"Must have been a whole lot better than standing around here. And you avoided my question," Tegan remarked with a grin.

"Yeah. Uh, what did you ask?"

"Never mind. We should both get moving," Tegan said, waving her hand dismissively.

From the sample, I didn't get that they were on a cruise ship. You could establish the setting in the opening lines:

"No... I had to change into a different bra, the one I had on was killing me," Frederica admitted, looking down for a moment then straightening her top. The cruise director insisted that crew be smartly dressed at all times.

It reads well, there is back-and-forth dialogue and the situation is well established. There is nothing to feel cheated about, if you mean that it turns out to be an imaginary encounter. The description would be the same if they did it or not.

I can't imagine why Frederica "backpedals" instead of acting on the flirtation, since she wants something to happen? The teasing is half the interest, if there is some reason why they cannot simply get together. A watchful cruise director, or threat of the sack after clear warnings. It's definitely interesting.

From an editor's point of view, the only thing I would certainly change is the sentence where Tegan chuckled "a bit" and then stared for "a bit". You could also restructure a few interjections: "Never mind," Tegan said, waving her hand dismissively. "We should both get moving." (In that instance, leaving the reader with the sense of getting moving rather than Tegan waving her hand.)

I'll say again that Fred is perhaps the worst possible name for a female character in an erotic story title, at least in the UK. I'll come back with reasons why, if you can't see. Frederica is just fine, Freda is just fine. Even Free. But not Fred.

 

[Mrtouf]

That's the trouble with excerpts, it's not always possible to convey the full context. So for example, it's actually a spaceship named Orion, and the title isn't Fred's Fantasy, it's just the best way of summing up this scene.

Fred backpedals because she's a career-minded officer and she's afraid that if she gets into an intimate relationship with someone she works with, she'll let her feelings get in the way of doing her job. But at the same time, she can't help wanting someone.

Tegan doesn't have that problem, she understands the risks and wants to pursue a relationship anyway. Her backstory (which is just a couple of lines at the moment) says that she wasn't assigned to this ship straightaway but at the last minute, which could be taken to mean that she did have a relationship at her previous assignment, and because it became problematic, she got transferred. It's got me thinking along those lines anyway.

I appreciate the feedback, and for the moment I need to get back to typing.

 

[CopperSkink]

"No... I had to change into a different bra, the one I had on was killing me,"
These are two independant clauses without coordinating conjunctions. A semicolon is mandatory over a comma.

"It's soft, and it shows your breasts off very well."
This is a list of two items with a coordinating conjunction. A comma isn't necessary until a third item is added.

Tegan chuckled a bit, her fingers still sampling the texture of the garment, and she stared for a bit at the fleshy globes presented before her.
There's simply too much going on in this sentence that doesn't match. The first comma leads into a dangling participial while the second introduces an independant clause.

"Could I uh, take a peek underneath?"
The comma here is to indicate pause. When spoken aloud, I don't believe a person would say "could I uh" without a pause somewhere in the middle. For those cases, I prefer an elipsis to indicate an unfinished or stuttered sentence.

She snapped out of her daydream abruptly, as Tegan prodded her again.
In this case the comma simply serves to give pause in a sentence where none is needed.

"Sorry, I was...."
By the way an elipsis is mandatorily three pips in size. No more, no fewer.

I still say "Fred" is a decent girl-name. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't watched enough Angel ~ the series.

 

[Mrtouf]

Caroline slept fitfully in Isamura's embrace much as she had the previous night. Isamura didn't sleep, or dream quite in the same way as humans, so what she knew was limited to other people's experiences. However, it was enough for her to tell that Caroline was as embattled in dreams as she was in the waking world.

“Isamura?” said Caroline as she roused. She waved a hand at the bedside, and a soft glow illuminated the room.

“You were expecting someone else?”

“No. I mean yes. I-” Caroline started, then cut herself off with a resigned sigh. “I'm not going to get used to sharing my bed with you any time soon,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Well I could always go,” Isamura teased, her eyes lighting up mischievously.

“I don't want you to go,” Caroline replied, brushing her cheek affectionately. “But, I keep thinking about Wilma. I feel like I've made a horrible mistake, one I will never be able to fix.”

“No matter what mistakes you feel you have made, you are not a horrible person, Caroline. I don't regret having been here to comfort you, to hold you, make love to you. Wilma is lucky to have taken a woman such as yourself to be hers,” Isamura reassured her, “you will be hers again when you find a way home.”

“I hope so,” Caroline said, doubt clouding her eyes. “I hope there is a way home, after all that we've endured.”

Isamura hugged her tightly, and whispered reassurances in her ear, “Whatever we endure, I will always love you.”

Abruptly the lights in Caroline's quarters died. “Now what's gone wrong?” she muttered, blindly groping for her comm badge. Though the badge responded to her touch, it merely squeaked an error of some kind, unable to establish communications.

Even if she'd had a pair of tweezers and some light, she didn't think she could make the badge work anyway. The Orion had its own internal communications system and in order to get the comm badges to work in the first place, they'd had to tie them into it to avoid interference from the artificial gravity grid, which ran under almost every deck. “Great, just great,” she sighed, “I swear this ship hates me or something.”

Caroline slid out of bed and cautiously edged toward the dressing table, her toes rustling discarded clothing on the way. She found it when her knee thumped into a drawer handle, and cursed under breath. Opening the top drawer and raking inside, she pulled out an emergency light and clicked it on, blinking her eyes for a few moments as it cast an orange glow around the room.

Isamura smiled at her, eyes lit with amusement. “You look wonderful like that, Caroline.”

“Like.... oh,” Caroline said, realising that the light was illuminating her naked form like a fiercely orange sunset. “I didn't.... uh thanks, Isamura,” she hesitantly replied, feeling nervous standing in front of her without a stitch on. She turned and walked over to the connecting door, checking the panel to see if they could leave. It was dead, and no amount of prodding would coax the door to open.

Caroline sighed and padded back, meeting Isamura's sympathetic gaze with a half-smile. She set the emergency light on the bedside and slipped back under the covers. “Looks like we're stuck here for a while,” she remarked, thinking at the moment that being stuck here was not so bad.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Erica held up a lamp as she trudged through Orion's darkened corridors. It had been thirty minutes since the failure of the crystal processor which distributed power through this section. Without it, internal lighting and door controls, as well as any other crew conveniences that needed power, would not function.

As if that wasn't bad enough, power for the ship's main systems was usually routed through this section. Power had been re-routed to those systems through the remaining two crystal processors, but with only two-thirds of the usual power available, and none of it in the section Erica was moving through.

The exception to this was environmental control and artificial gravity, which had their own power distribution systems. Erica was glad of this, since trooping through the ship in an environment suit and magnetic boots would have made her progress even slower.

Finally, she reached the captain's quarters and used a portable power unit to activate the dormant controls and open the door.

“Hello?” she called out as she stepped inside. The lamp illuminated a wide cone of the living area as Erica searched methodically, but Caroline was nowhere to be found. So she walked through to the study, calling out again, but the captain had apparently finished her administrative tasks early and tidied her desk.

Erica tried the fresher (the nickname for a shipboard bathroom) but only found fresh towels and a hint of shampoo. So it was likely that the captain had taken a shower, replaced the towels, and turned in for the night.

Upon activating the controls for the bedroom door, Erica hesitated for a moment at the prospect of waking the captain and telling her the bad news. She figured though that it was best to get a gruff lecture now rather than later on, and opened the door.

The orange glow of an emergency light illuminated the bedroom and spilled out through the open door into the living area, and Erica's eyes nearly popped out as she caught sight of Caroline laying on her back, naked and flushed with arousal as Isamura's head nestled between her thighs.

Erica felt her cheeks flush hotly, and as she gazed at Caroline and listened to her moaning urgently, she couldn't help but feel aroused. The captain had gone to bed with her new lover, and when the power had gone out it had given them a rare opportunity for sex without any of the usual interruptions.

Quietly, Erica watched from the doorway. She was transfixed by Caroline's boobs, and by Isamura's tongue lapping at those lovely labial lips, so she couldn't bring herself to look away, or even clear her throat to get their attention. The musky aroma of sex washed into her nostrils leaving her giddy with excitement. They were too busy to notice her

As she stood there, feeling her nipples stiffen slightly under her constrictive uniform, Erica wondered how Isamura's tongue might feel on her own pussy, or even how Caroline's juices would taste, if it were Erica's tongue doing the licking. The thought of pleasing her captain sexually made her smile, even though she knew it would probably never happen.

Then she noticed Isamura looking right at her while her fingers slid back and forward inside Caroline's wet sex, and her smile faded as panic set in. For a few long and torturous moments Isamura gazed at Erica intently, then she grinned and lowered her mouth to Caroline's pussy again. Perhaps she didn't care that she was being watched, or perhaps it gave her a thrill that she hadn't expected. Either way, Erica wasn't sure if she would be so accommodating in Isamura's place.

Feeling intensely guilty, and realising that she wasn't going to get off so lightly if the captain realised she was watching, Erica quietly left the bedroom area and shut the door again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Oh, Isamura!”

Caroline balled her hands into fists clutching the bed sheet and then let out a strangled cry as she climaxed. At that moment, she felt so happy that she cried, and there was no regret, no guilt, nor doubt in her mind. It was all washed away by her love for Isamura.

Isamura returned to the head of the bed with a grin, her lips coated with Caroline's copious juices, and then they kissed, tongues caressing each other, lips locked. Then Isamura broke the kiss, remembering the unannounced visitor.

“You need to get dressed,” she said, pointing at the lit door panel, “it seems there's someone here to see you.”

“So it would seem,” Caroline replied, wishing that they had more time together. She kissed her cheek affectionately and got dressed, looking forward to whenever it was that she could discard them and make love to Isamura again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Mr. Mayboune. How very nice to see you at this late hour,” Caroline said as she emerged from the bedroom, noticing Erica sitting patiently in the near-darkness.

Erica rose from the comfortable sofa and stood at attention. “Captain Trueman. The ship's power is running on two out of three crystal processors, the third one failed a half-hour ago, which is why this entire section has no power. There isn't a replacement crystal available in the ship's stores,” she reported.

“This ship does hate me,” Caroline muttered.

Confused by that statement, Erica prompted her. “Captain?”

“Get as many people out of this section as you can. I will be in the briefing room, please join myself and the senior staff there in twenty.... no, thirty minutes,” Caroline ordered, correcting herself when she realised that it would take some time to get the evacuation under way. “There has to be a stock of crystals somewhere, we just need to figure out where to look.”

“Aye Captain. I'll get right on it.”

“Very well,” Caroline said, waving her out. “You're dismissed.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Erica hurried out, trying to clear her head. Her body on the other hand seemed unwilling to forget so easily, her nipples were pressed against the inside of her bra painfully. So first of all she stopped by her own quarters, desperate for some relief.

As she entered the bedroom, she set down her lamp on the dresser, and tugged her uniform jacket off, followed by the tank tee which she had to pull off over her head. Finally, she unclasped the confining bra with a sigh of relief.

Erica stood there, naked to the waist, considering the ways in which she could find relief in five short minutes, but then she reminded herself that there were people counting on her, and she opened the top drawer of the dresser. Inside, on the far left, were her standard-issue bras which she was supposed to wear under her uniform, along with matching briefs. The rest of the drawer was filled with her other, much more appealing underwear.

She picked out a soft, lacy bra and slipped it on, then retrieved her discarded clothes and got dressed. Her uniform now fit more comfortably, but the pent-up arousal that she was feeling hadn't really gone away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As she went from door to door to get people out of their quarters, Erica found herself in Tegan Brown's quarters. Since coming aboard the Orion, the chief security officer had tended to spend many of her off-duty hours alone, having few friends to spend time with. Erica had worried about her, and even taken time out of her busy schedule now and then, so that she could spend time with Tegan and keep her company, usually over dinner.

Erica was undeniably attracted to Tegan, but their dinners together hadn't resulted in anything more than friendship, because Erica was afraid of having to choose between her love of duty and her love for a fellow officer. And yet, Erica enjoyed the time they spent together, had never laughed with anyone as much as she did when she was with Tegan. As much as she tried to control her feelings and keep things platonic, she felt wonderful when she was in the same room.

As it turned out, Tegan was asleep in bed, and it took some yelling and poking to rouse her.

“All right, Erica, all right. What's the big emergency?” Tegan asked, rubbing her eyes and squinting in the light of Erica's lamp.

“The power's out in this section. And, we have to be at a senior staff briefing in fifteen minutes.”

Tegan slid out of bed and padded over to the wardrobe, her eyes still trying to accustom themselves to the light. “Great. Where can I get a working fresher then?” she asked.

“Uh, you'll just have to use one in someone else's quarters where there's power. Sorry,” Erica said apologetically, her cheeks reddening as she was torn between staring and not staring at Tegan's athletic body. She wondered if Tegan always slept in the nude.

Tegan pulled a fresh uniform from the wardrobe and laid it on the bed, smiling as Erica checked her out. The chief engineer was so cute when she was embarrassed, and when she spent time with Tegan that seemed to happen. A lot.

“So in other words, I don't have time for a shower before the briefing, right?”

“Probably not,” Erica answered. She felt less awkward, but also mildly disappointed, as Tegan got dressed. “I would share mine with you but my quarters haven't any power either.”

“Well I appreciate the sentiment, Erica. I'd come by and share a fresher with you any day they're working,” Tegan replied, grinning.

“Uh, well, I didn't mean it quite like that,” Erica protested, looking uncomfortable suddenly.

“I'm just kidding.” Tegan chuckled, amused once more by Erica's response. “Though, I have to say I'm starting to wish for someone special to share my fresher with.”

“Aw, that's so sweet,” Erica commented. “You know, I wish I was as ready to meet someone as you are, Tegan.”

“Perhaps they will meet you,” Tegan suggested, “you're attractive and single, and I can't see why anyone wouldn't want spend time with you.”

“Thanks Tegan,” Erica said with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I just don't know if I can do it – have a relationship with someone I have to work with, I mean.”

“Take it from someone who knows, even just a little time spent with someone you love is better than not loving at all,” Tegan said, smiling as well. Then she frowned a bit, her eyes having adjusted enough to spot that Erica's uniform was creased and wasn't sitting properly on her chest.

“What's up with your uniform today?” she asked, pointing. “Did you leave it on the floor or something?”

"No... I had to change into a different bra, the one I had on was killing me," Erica admitted, glancing down for a moment then straightening her top.

Tegan nodded sympathetically. "I know, the standard issue bra is so uncomfortable, if it wasn't for the uniform regulations I'd never wear mine. So, what have you got on under there?"

Impulsively, Erica unsnapped her uniform top and pulled up the tee underneath to show her friend the lacy bra she had put on earlier.

"Nice," Tegan remarked, raising a hand to touch and stroke the material. "It's soft, and it shows your breasts off very well."

"Mm, it does," Erica agreed, feeling a thrill of excitement as Tegan examined the bra closely. "Do you like my breasts?"

Tegan raised her eyebrows and chuckled, her fingers still sampling the texture of the garment, and she stared longingly at the fleshy globes presented before her. "They're lovely," she answered after a while. "Could I uh, take a peek underneath?"

Erica almost asked her to repeat the question. "Sure, if you like."

She felt Tegan's fingers tug at the lacy garment, pulling it away from her skin.

"Very lovely," said Tegan, giving a little sigh of appreciation as she unashamedly ogled the pink nipples and areolae. Without asking this time, she slipped her hands inside and caressed Erica's breasts.

Erica sighed, feeling sweet relief. "Oh, Tegan."

"Erica." There was a prodding at her shoulder, and Erica wondered why Tegan was prodding her instead of fondling her boobs.

"Erica!" She snapped out of her daydream abruptly, as Tegan prodded her again.

"Sorry, I was...." Erica started, then looked down at her fastened uniform. "I was light years away," she admitted.

"Must have been a whole lot better than standing around here. And you avoided my question," Tegan remarked with a grin.

"Yeah. Uh, what did you ask?"

"Never mind,” Tegan said, waving her hand dismissively. “We should both get moving."
​

There you go, that's what I have written of the new draft so far, plus the suggested edits. I decided to shorten Frederica to Erica instead. To a reader, I don't think Erica is long and unwieldy, even if it does have two more syllables than Fred.

Anyway, I hope it's entertaining, I'm going to take a break and think about the briefing.

 

[Mrtouf]

I still say "Fred" is a decent girl-name. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't watched enough Angel ~ the series.

Yes, obviously. That Fred sticks in my mind a lot more than the other Fred, and she's easier on the eyes.

I will take another look at the commas when I get back, thanks for that.

 

[CopperSkink]

I hope your lead-off isn't the beginning. I find it to be horrible because of the lack of context and burdonesome emotional conflict the reader is expected to be responsible for right off the bat.
We also get someone named "Isamura" that apparantly isn't human, but you don't work the angle at all, so what's the use?
Then you have the comm-badge thing. Yes, we've all seen Star Trek, and the concept of a cruise ship having such communication equipment instantly insists either a science fiction or a futuristic nature to your story. That has to be addressed; you have to actively bring your audience into the future with you; instead you brought us in to two people in bed having some kind of relationship problems while the power unscrupulously goes out.

Fix it.

 

[Mrtouf]

Well, it's not the beginning of the story. On my outline this is point B, or a tentative Chapter 9 in my outline.

Beyond this I have a couple of scenes of Chapter 8 and a couple of scenes of Chapter 1, plus the old draft of Chapter 9 which again, doesn't have the context that the reader needs. Until I find the time to backfill 1 through 8 it's going to be lacking a lot of context, and I'm sorry about that but I can't fix it any faster.

 

[Mrtouf]

I'll be working on this at some point in the future. If you follow the What I'm working on now link in my sig, you'll always get the most up-to-date version. Feel free to leave a comment here, or there.

I will be looking at improving the punctuation again and defining the characters in the briefing more clearly. I was also thinking of moving the opening paragraphs to the end of Chapter 8, and writing a few notes on alien physiology to be incorporated somewhere along the way, so that by Chapter 8 we already know why Isamura doesn't sleep like humans do and how she copes with tiredness if it isn't through sleep.