Alright, so I have this dumb poem in my head....

[Rockitballs]

I was just sitting at work and this popped into my head, so out of boredom, I will share it with you.

As I beat my dick at a feverish pace
I have to make sure not to splooge on my face
I'll cum on my belly, I'll cum on the ground
When you were here you'd just drink it all down

With lips like a vice grip you'd suck on my hose
It's always so sweet when my pubes touch your nose
But alas, you aren't here tonight
So I'll tug and tug cause it feels so right

--

I've never written a poem or anything like that before, so I have no idea where this came from.

 

[butters]

was the slipping out of rhythm deliberate on the final two lines? like ... erm ... metaphorical or summat?

 

[Rockitballs]

No, it wasn't. I actually just sat down at my desk to do some work, grabbed a pen and started to write and what you see is what came out. I think I wrote the thing in about 10 seconds.

Would you consider the fact that it slipped out of rhythm a good or a bad thing? I'm a complete poetry and writing noob, so any constructive feedback is appreciated.

 

[butters]

No, it wasn't. I actually just sat down at my desk to do some work, grabbed a pen and started to write and what you see is what came out. I think I wrote the thing in about 10 seconds.

Would you consider the fact that it slipped out of rhythm a good or a bad thing? I'm a complete poetry and writing noob, so any constructive feedback is appreciated.

i was ...never mind.


for a tenseconder, it illustrates you understand rhythm, rhyme, and humour.
keep writing the good write

 

[poisonedLust]

super fun poem..straight to the point.I liked it..

 

[Rockitballs]

thanks

 

[butters]

so, rockitballs, have you written anything other poetry and is it different in style from this one?

since you are a poetry noob, i want you to know i was making a serious assessment about your ear for timing/rhythm etc. no, i didn't like your poem, but it was what it was, and never intended as anything other than a quickie off the wrist of a noob writer.

there are those i've read before who're supposed to be seasoned writers who STILL lack that innate sense of timing. which is kind of why i asked about the change in the final two lines - it was more than mere snark.; i was hoping it was deliberate.

 

[Rockitballs]

so, rockitballs, have you written anything other poetry and is it different in style from this one?

since you are a poetry noob, i want you to know i was making a serious assessment about your ear for timing/rhythm etc. no, i didn't like your poem, but it was what it was, and never intended as anything other than a quickie off the wrist of a noob writer.

there are those i've read before who're supposed to be seasoned writers who STILL lack that innate sense of timing. which is kind of why i asked about the change in the final two lines - it was more than mere snark.; i was hoping it was deliberate.

I have not written anything else really, but I do plan on doing so in the future. It is a new hobby I am undertaking. I used to write a lot of research type papers when I was in college and people told me I had a knack for that as well, a good flow to my words I guess.

Now, you mentioned you didn't like my poem. Was it just the juvenile content? I can agree with you that this shouldn't be a poem which requires deep thought or will be life changing in anyway. I'd liken it more to something you would read on a bathroom stall in the bar.

I guess in a way the last two lines were deliberate. I don't know if I was necessarily looking for a tempo change, but I did want to end it and it kind of needed a "hook" of sorts so that is what I came up with. As I mentioned before I didn't put a lot of time into this and it was just something that flowed out, I'm surprised it has generated any attention.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

We're a friendly lot here and deliberately ignoring a newbie isn't the norm so you got greeted pleasantly and anyway Chippy says I have to be diplomatic

 

[butters]

I have not written anything else really, but I do plan on doing so in the future. It is a new hobby I am undertaking. I used to write a lot of research type papers when I was in college and people told me I had a knack for that as well, a good flow to my words I guess.

Now, you mentioned you didn't like my poem. Was it just the juvenile content? I can agree with you that this shouldn't be a poem which requires deep thought or will be life changing in anyway. I'd liken it more to something you would read on a bathroom stall in the bar.

I guess in a way the last two lines were deliberate. I don't know if I was necessarily looking for a tempo change, but I did want to end it and it kind of needed a "hook" of sorts so that is what I came up with. As I mentioned before I didn't put a lot of time into this and it was just something that flowed out, I'm surprised it has generated any attention.

yeah, the content, tbh. there're plenty of those out there, like this one, that are the result of a moment's sploodge on paper - so no, not great poetry, but then not all poetry has to be and isn't. it's all a learning curve and even those of us who've been writing for 5, 10, 20 years still find growth as we learn from experience. to be fair, you can't really expect people to give indepth thought to something you spent 10 seconds on, either.

We're a friendly lot here and deliberately ignoring a newbie isn't the norm so you got greeted pleasantly and anyway Chippy says I have to be diplomatic

yes. yes we are

yes, yes i did .... how's that working out for you, annie? lol

 

[UnderYourSpell]

yeah, the content, tbh. there're plenty of those out there, like this one, that are the result of a moment's sploodge on paper - so no, not great poetry, but then not all poetry has to be and isn't. it's all a learning curve and even those of us who've been writing for 5, 10, 20 years still find growth as we learn from experience. to be fair, you can't really expect people to give indepth thought to something you spent 10 seconds on, either.


yes. yes we are

yes, yes i did .... how's that working out for you, annie? lol

*curls lip grrrrrrr then grits her teeth and brightly says "Fine, fine."*

 

[teknight]

You see, OP, poems are all about structure. Everything has to be just so. You can't just let loose on paper, without first setting up a grid for your words/come to land on. Keep that in mind, and you'll fall in line in this sub section of lit.

 

[butters]

You see, OP, poems are all about structure. Everything has to be just so. You can't just let loose on paper, without first setting up a grid for your words/come to land on. Keep that in mind, and you'll fall in line in this sub section of lit.

this is absolute nonsense.

if you spend any time at all reading some of the poets here, you will find all manner of poetry. plenty here are averse to 'form', and good poetry is more than just allowing your words to spill out in their raw state, however they arrive, and then expect to be lauded for them. we all learn, and still learn. none of us EVER write the best poetry we ever will when we first begin and without learning and learning and learning

 

[teknight]

this is absolute nonsense.

if you spend any time at all reading some of the poets here, you will find all manner of poetry. plenty here are averse to 'form', and good poetry is more than just allowing your words to spill out in their raw state, however they arrive, and then expect to be lauded for them. we all learn, and still learn. none of us EVER write the best poetry we ever will when we first begin and without learning and learning and learning

And being bent to a mold...be it of advice, or of experience.
I don't fully get how a poem can be bettered. But I'm a noob, and a rude one at that.

 

[butters]

And being bent to a mold...be it of advice, or of experience.
I don't fully get how a poem can be bettered. But I'm a noob, and a rude one at that.

rood boy, huh?

you're a writer. right?
has your writing improved with time?
do you not think that, as a poet, you might find better ways of expressing what you wish to express given practise? better ways of getting the reader to see/feel/experience what you want them to through your words? to learn subtley, try new things? any skill worth having is one that can be polished and honed. not all poems are worth spending that time on, and, whilst not a case of they should never have been written, are still part of the best way to improve and that's to write write write!

 

[teknight]

rood boy, huh?

you're a writer. right?
has your writing improved with time?
do you not think that, as a poet, you might find better ways of expressing what you wish to express given practise? better ways of getting the reader to see/feel/experience what you want them to through your words? to learn subtley, try new things? any skill worth having is one that can be polished and honed. not all poems are worth spending that time on, and, whilst not a case of they should never have been written, are still part of the best way to improve and that's to write write write!

I fuck around with words that get stuck in my head. Hence, I don't quite think myself a poet. And poetry ain't prose.

I put all my energy into that first go, so that the poem best approximates what's going on in my head.

I do write, but don't obsess.

 

[butters]

I fuck around with words that get stuck in my head.
ah. got it

Hence, I don't quite think myself a poet.
yeah, got that

And poetry ain't prose.
quite so

I put all my energy into that first go, so that the poem best approximates what's going on in my head.
uh huh. i see

I do write, but don't obsess.

ok, i got it, i got it! quit obsessing

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You see, OP, poems are all about structure. Everything has to be just so. You can't just let loose on paper, without first setting up a grid for your words/come to land on. Keep that in mind, and you'll fall in line in this sub section of lit.

what a load of codswallop just because I tried to help you when you first arrived and you turned me down flat doesn't mean you have to get sarky with the ones with good intentions

 

[teknight]

what a load of codswallop just because I tried to help you when you first arrived and you turned me down flat doesn't mean you have to get sarky with the ones with good intentions

a) it's the web, I can do as I want, and you can do the same.
b) I was just sharing my experience, on account of it appears to me that this is a driving concern amongst the pre-established helpers and poets.
c) OK. Please critique my poems....and no need to be nice. Bring it!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

a) it's the web, I can do as I want, and you can do the same.
b) I was just sharing my experience, on account of it appears to me that this is a driving concern amongst the pre-established helpers and poets.
c) OK. Please critique my poems....and no need to be nice. Bring it!

I might find the time right now I am doing far more interesting things

 

[butters]

a) it's the web, I can do as I want, and you can do the same.
b) I was just sharing my experience, on account of it appears to me that this is a driving concern amongst the pre-established helpers and poets.
c) OK. Please critique my poems....and no need to be nice. Bring it!

*le sigh*
funny how so many people believe that.

critting a poem is NOT about being abusive to the author; in fact, it's not about the author at all - a critter ought to be addressing any issues of the write right in front of them. it most certainly is not a tool to be used to attack another writer.

if you want critique, make it clear, if you don't - ditto. if you don't give a damn, don't react when a crit or less than complementary comment is given on your write.



now, this thread's been hijacked enough. go be tetchy - or not - on the one with your poetry in.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*le sigh*
funny how so many people believe that.

critting a poem is NOT about being abusive to the author; in fact, it's not about the author at all - a critter ought to be addressing any issues of the write right in front of them. it most certainly is not a tool to be used to attack another writer.

if you want critique, make it clear, if you don't - ditto. if you don't give a damn, don't react when a crit or less than complementary comment is given on your write.



now, this thread's been hijacked enough. go be tetchy - or not - on the one with your poetry in.

Amen and what is the point of putting myself out to do it when I've already been told he's not going to take the blindest bit of notice and carry on willy nilly anyway?

 

[butters]

Amen and what is the point of putting myself out to do it when I've already been told he's not going to take the blindest bit of notice and carry on willy nilly anyway?

i guess it's a case of tripping up when you enter a room he did ask for thoughts, but felt you offered crit. anyway, the lad's bitten the bullet and apologised on the other thread, wanting a fresh start. which seems a pretty good idea to me, as it goes. *nods*