a cry for help

[nerk]

Lake Song

Climb into the heavy heat of August
out of the dark
lake,
lay on the giant rock
its granite worn smooth
by centuries of the lake's caresses
drip water on the russet soil in
the long Northern dusk

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

Then comes the rain
a terrible, magical noise
a mystery rushing through the darkness
through spruce and birch forest,
across marshes and lakes
coming closer, sweeping over

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

After the storm,
the waves lapping the shore
and the lonesome loon
sing a lullaby,
sending me into
deep sleep.

Still night
the lake and sky glow silver
I lay awake to watch
wisps of cloud drifting across the stars
until a wisp of dream, drifting out
of the dark lake
climbs onto the giant rock
smooth and round from centuries
of the lake's caresses
Water drips onto the black ground
from her hair, black as the lake's depths
and her skin is silver as moonlight on water
She glides closer, a mystery
magical and terrible

Kiss her, touch her, strip and
sink deep into her,
her body rushes against mine
hot and heavy as August
pressing me down
the rumble of my desire
and flash of her climax
and the rain sweeps over us
washing away everything
but soft sighs
dripping down
soaking into the russet soil
Waves lap against the shore
Clouds blow across the stars

The long Northern dawn
finds me stretched out on the giant rock
worn smooth by the lake's caresses
In the thick morning mist
the lonesome loon sings


Any and all feedback is welcome.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

have said this on the other thread but will repeat it anyway! you could lose a fair few 'ands' and 'the'

 

[nerk]

have said this on the other thread but will repeat it anyway! you could lose a fair few 'ands' and 'the'

and (dammit, another one!) I was just about to PM you in response, so as not to hijack the other thread.

Good suggestion. I was writing more for my ear (reading aloud, hearing what 'sounded' right) than my eye, but there are a few spots on the page where the "the"s get a little thick.

 

[Angeline]

It's courageous to post one's poem, even on the anonymous internet, so good on you.

You've set yourself kind of a difficult task because you're writing about events that happen mainly in your imagination. Still your description of the place (New England, maybe, somewhere north, sounds like) is solid, with lots of strong images. You're facile with words but I think more metaphor would give your poem texture and make it exciting to read. You know there's not much happening beyond the narrator being in a place of natural beauty in a storm and then dreaming this fantasy. There's nothing wrong with that but it needs oomph, something to make up for the lack of narrative. You can probably find that with metaphors and odd twists of language, maybe rethink some of your line breaks.

You also might want to look at the sentence structure because in some places it's clear and in others it drifts off, and I'm not getting why in my reading.

Of course this is just one opinion, and maybe other folks here (besides me and UYS) will share theirs, too.

But most of all congrats on putting a poem out there, and keep writing.

 

[nerk]

thank you, your comments are welcome. Definite food for thought, but I need to think on it before I know if I agree.

I tend to write prose more, so my poetry lacks a certain poeticness, for lack of a better word (so much for facility with language).

It's courageous to post one's poem, even on the anonymous internet, so good on you.

You've set yourself kind of a difficult task because you're writing about events that happen mainly in your imagination. Still your description of the place (New England, maybe, somewhere north, sounds like) is solid, with lots of strong images. You're facile with words but I think more metaphor would give your poem texture and make it exciting to read. You know there's not much happening beyond the narrator being in a place of natural beauty in a storm and then dreaming this fantasy. There's nothing wrong with that but it needs oomph, something to make up for the lack of narrative. You can probably find that with metaphors and odd twists of language, maybe rethink some of your line breaks.

You also might want to look at the sentence structure because in some places it's clear and in others it drifts off, and I'm not getting why in my reading.

Of course this is just one opinion, and maybe other folks here (besides me and UYS) will share theirs, too.

But most of all congrats on putting a poem out there, and keep writing.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Lake Song

Climb into the heavy heat of August
out of the dark
lake,
lay on the giant rock
its granite worn smooth
by centuries of the lake's caresses
drip water on the russet soil in
the long Northern dusk

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

Then comes the rain
a terrible, magical noise
a mystery rushing through the darkness
through spruce and birch forest,
across marshes and lakes
coming closer, sweeping over

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

After the storm,
the waves lapping the shore
and the lonesome loon
sing a lullaby,
sending me into
deep sleep.

Still night
the lake and sky glow silver
I lay awake wake to watch
wisps of cloud drifting across the stars
until a wisp of dream, drifting out
of the dark lake
climbs onto the giant rock
smooth and round from centuries
of the lake's caresses
Water drips onto the black ground
from her hair, black as the lake's depths
and her skin is silver as moonlight on water
She glides closer, a mystery
magical and terrible

Kiss her, touch her, strip and
sink deep into her,
her body rushes against mine
hot and heavy as August
pressing me down
the rumble of my desire
and flash of her climax
and the rain sweeps over us
washing away everything
but soft sighs
dripping down
soaking into the russet soil
Waves lap against the shore
Clouds blow across the stars

The long Northern dawn
finds me stretched out on the giant rock
worn smooth by the lake's caresses
In the thick morning mist
the lonesome loon sings


Any and all feedback is welcome.

Words I think you could cut I have edited in blue

 

[nerk]

Words I think you could cut I have edited in blue

good call on the awake wake
that's just flat out wrong
the others need a bit more thought
are they extraneous words or do they add something?
I expect, in the end, some of both

 

[UnderYourSpell]

good call on the awake wake
that's just flat out wrong
the others need a bit more thought
are they extraneous words or do they add something?
I expect, in the end, some of both

IMHO you just don't need those 'ands' but there are better critiquers on here than me who might give it a read and have something better to offer you

 

[nerk]

IMHO you just don't need those 'ands' but there are better critiquers on here than me who might give it a read and have something better to offer you

I absolutely respect your opinion. From what I've seen of your stuff, you've got a good eye, and I can certainly see why one would strike all of the words you highlighted. Some of them change the rhythm or the sense of lines in ways I'm not sure about.

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

This bit, for example, you strike two. The second one makes "Even the waves/lap the shore furtively/sensing a predator" its own sentence (graumaticly speaking, anyway) and that actually works just fine. It doesn't change anything but the rhythm (a full stop vs. a conjunction) Striking the first casts "rumbles in the distance" adrift, which isn't necessarily good or bad, but does change the sense and feel of the lines pretty substantially. The question I have to ask myself, is do I feel ambiguous.
Well do I, punk?

 

[Angeline]

I absolutely respect your opinion. From what I've seen of your stuff, you've got a good eye, and I can certainly see why one would strike all of the words you highlighted. Some of them change the rhythm or the sense of lines in ways I'm not sure about.

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

This bit, for example, you strike two. The second one makes "Even the waves/lap the shore furtively/sensing a predator" its own sentence (graumaticly speaking, anyway) and that actually works just fine. It doesn't change anything but the rhythm (a full stop vs. a conjunction) Striking the first casts "rumbles in the distance" adrift, which isn't necessarily good or bad, but does change the sense and feel of the lines pretty substantially. The question I have to ask myself, is do I feel ambiguous.
Well do I, punk?

I think I agree with UYS: those words aren't adding anything to your poem. Words like "the" and "and" rarely do in poems. If you only use them where they're absolutely needed, they support the poem instead of creating places where the reader stumbles.

Whether they rhyme (internally or at line ends) or not, poems are different from pieces of prose because they're lyrical, somewhere between story and chant and song. And don't get me wrong, it can be any song, even a Philip Glass kind of song, but something that makes the words sing and the readers want to sway when they read it. Prose rarely has that effect on readers because it's about informing or convincing. Just my thoughts on the subject.

 

[CharleyH]

Lake Song

Climb into the heavy heat of August
out of the dark
lake,
lay on the giant rock
its granite worn smooth
by centuries of the lake's caresses
drip water on the russet soil in
the long Northern dusk

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

Then comes the rain
a terrible, magical noise
a mystery rushing through the darkness
through spruce and birch forest,
across marshes and lakes
coming closer, sweeping over

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

After the storm,
the waves lapping the shore
and the lonesome loon
sing a lullaby,
sending me into
deep sleep.

Still night
the lake and sky glow silver
I lay awake to watch
wisps of cloud drifting across the stars
until a wisp of dream, drifting out
of the dark lake
climbs onto the giant rock
smooth and round from centuries
of the lake's caresses
Water drips onto the black ground
from her hair, black as the lake's depths
and her skin is silver as moonlight on water
She glides closer, a mystery
magical and terrible

Kiss her, touch her, strip and
sink deep into her,
her body rushes against mine
hot and heavy as August
pressing me down
the rumble of my desire
and flash of her climax
and the rain sweeps over us
washing away everything
but soft sighs
dripping down
soaking into the russet soil
Waves lap against the shore
Clouds blow across the stars

The long Northern dawn
finds me stretched out on the giant rock
worn smooth by the lake's caresses
In the thick morning mist
the lonesome loon sings


Any and all feedback is welcome.

Interesting. I felt this poem was too 'in the face'. On the one hand a poem about maybe a crocodile, and on the other one a story about a Wall-Street suited dude. You use the word 'late' too much, I suppose, but i like some lines like these ones:

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

Gorgeous!

 

[nerk]

Interesting. I felt this poem was too 'in the face'. On the one hand a poem about maybe a crocodile, and on the other one a story about a Wall-Street suited dude. You use the word 'late' too much, I suppose, but i like some lines like these ones:

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

Gorgeous!

it was an alligator!

 

[CharleyH]

it was an alligator!

Well, there you go! LOL

 

[butters]

i have to go away and think about this some more, but you still caught me up in the heat, the impending-ness of it all, the release of the rain breaking, the smooth, river-rounded rock. it has an honesty to it i appreciate, but time and distance often improve a poem - any poem.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Blame Angeline she was one of the poets that taught me in the first place!

 

[Angeline]

Blame Angeline she was one of the poets that taught me in the first place!

Blame me? Take a number and get in line!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Blame me? Take a number and get in line!

Can't make you take all the blame some must be apportioned to Tz (who it must be said still puzzles me at times!) Eve (who used to scare the hell out of me) Tess and Anna (who amazed me with their dirty minds) Bijou (who opened many new vistas and I miss on here stilll) but all took the trouble to guide and encourage

 

[champagne1982]

Lake Song
Any and all feedback is welcome.

I love the imagery and your description of what could very well be anywhere in Parry Sound/Muskoka...

Concentrate great effort on your opening. There are a lot of adjectives where two words could be replaced by one perfect noun. Go out and find it. When the swimmer exits the lake to warm on the rock, you use the wrong conjugation of the verb "to lie"; it should be lie instead of lay.

Decide if repetition is becoming a bit tiresome. Sometimes instead of imbedding an image in your reader's perception all you do is add length to a poem, thus losing your audience halfway through. Always ask yourself, "Is this really necessary?"

So pare down those descriptions and spend time seeking perfection, this scenery deserves it. Good poem.

 

[nerk]

I love the imagery and your description of what could very well be anywhere in Parry Sound/Muskoka...

Concentrate great effort on your opening. There are a lot of adjectives where two words could be replaced by one perfect noun. Go out and find it. When the swimmer exits the lake to warm on the rock, you use the wrong conjugation of the verb "to lie"; it should be lie instead of lay.

Decide if repetition is becoming a bit tiresome. Sometimes instead of imbedding an image in your reader's perception all you do is add length to a poem, thus losing your audience halfway through. Always ask yourself, "Is this really necessary?"

So pare down those descriptions and spend time seeking perfection, this scenery deserves it. Good poem.

*kicks "lie" and "lay" out of the English language altogether, replacing them with the names of tropical fruits. "I papayaed down for a nap." "Let's all just carambola our cards on the table."*

Thank you all for the reads and the insights. There may be another draft, once I get my head out of a short story.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Ooopsy I left dear Champ out of my list an unforgiveable omission and I deserve to be thrashed soundly for it ..... she has been my mentor, my friend and much more please forgive me
Actually there have been many more along the way Charley and Lauren to name just two but I didn't really know them at the start
Damn I missed Dora too but lets face it apart from one or two bad apples in the barrel you were all bloody marvelous!!
Now I'll stop hi-jacking this thread!

 

[nerk]

Ooopsy I left dear Champ out of my list an unforgiveable omission and I deserve to be thrashed soundly for it ..... she has been my mentor, my friend and much more please forgive me
Actually there have been many more along the way Charley and Lauren to name just two but I didn't really know them at the start
Damn I missed Dora too but lets face it apart from one or two bad apples in the barrel you were all bloody marvelous!!
Now I'll stop hi-jacking this thread!

*sigh*
you mean we're not going to Cuba?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

too damn hot this time of year don't mind the odd puff of their cigars tho

 

[butters]

Lake Song

Climb into the heavy heat of August
out of the dark
lake,
lay on the giant rock
its granite worn smooth
by centuries of the lake's caresses
drip water on the russet soil in
the long Northern dusk

what i appreciate most about this is your use of words to create weight, solidity, mass - i feel them, the weight of the air, the form climbing out onto the rock, the rock itself, time, the soil, and even the weight of the water whilst retaining its fluid nature. everything about this opening speaks to me about a moment that's as eternal as millennia, charged as sexual tension.

i feel 'centuries of the' redundant, and think (for me) that line would work better shortened to 'by lake's carress' or something similar, and 'drip water on the russet soil' works better along the lines of 'drip water, soak the russet soil' or 'drip water onto russet soil'. just my opinion, of course, take it or leave it, no offense offered or intended.

night falls heavy
it presses down dark
and rumbles in the distance
beyond the hills.
the loon's lonesome song is muffled
and even the waves
lap the shore furtively
sensing a predator

ok, i feel this bit has more issues: yes, opting to keep the language simple to make us 'see' the image without distraction works for me, but the opening line of this stanza seems to use heavy where it's not required - you have already established that weight and so the word is superfluous. if your intention is to reinforce the sensation, perhaps you need to choose a better phrase - 'night falls heavy' is unfortunately cliché, and so that weight needs to be illustrated another way ... fabrics can often work to show weight/texture, or use something that suggests smothering or suffocating.

i like 'presses down', as this lends itself to the sense of smothering, and implies darkness.
so, something like:

night smothers
presses down
dark rumbles in the distance

i have a personal problem with loons and lakes; perhaps because it borders on the uncomfortably cliché for me, even though i know they are a regular lake inhabitant and quite in place here. perhaps you might omit 'lonesome' to sort that out, as i sense loneliness is also implicit with the associations we have with 'loon'.

whilst i like your image of the waves lapping furtively (again an image/phrase full of sexual portent), do you really need 'the shore'?

the loon's song is muffled
and even the waves lap furtively
sensing a predator

Then comes the rain
a terrible, magical noise
a mystery rushing through the darkness
through spruce and birch forest,
across marshes and lakes
coming closer, sweeping over

i am so caught up in this i can't tell you. for me, the simplicity of language highlights the imagery, makes me experience this. it works on multiple levels and carries forward the sexuality, mystery, tension, release ... all manner of yumminess. ok, maybe it can be pared even further, though:

Then comes the rain
a terrible, magical noise
a mystery rushing through darkness
across marsh and lake
coming closer, sweeping over

that last line there, or, more specifically, 'sweeping over' reminds me of David Bowie ... some song ... Soul Love 'Love is careless in its choosing, sweeping over cross a baby, Love descends on those defenseless' ... sorry, don't mind me

Heavy sheets pound down
and melt away the ache of miles
and traffic. The life of neckties
and copy paper and parking stickers
is washed away, soaking into the soil.

ok, again with the 'heavy', though (in this instance, and if you lost the previous one) it works for me as wet weighty fabric being pounded down onto the rock by the river, using time again and forming a contrast with modernity as illustrated by ties, paper and parking stickers. i really really like 'melt away the ache of miles'.

After the storm,
the waves lapping the shore
and the lonesome loon
sing a lullaby,
sending me into
deep sleep.

on first reading this, i wanted to run a big red pen right through this verse.
now i'd think about shortening it to

after the storm
deep sleep

Still night
the lake and sky glow silver
I lay awake to watch
wisps of cloud drifting across the stars
until a wisp of dream, drifting out
of the dark lake
climbs onto the giant rock
smooth and round from centuries
of the lake's caresses
Water drips onto the black ground
from her hair, black as the lake's depths
and her skin is silver as moonlight on water
She glides closer, a mystery
magical and terrible

all i'd suggest for this would possibly be to make 'still night' 'still of night', make 'the lake and sky glow silver' into 'the lake, the sky glow silver', and that first 'drifting' into a 'drift', redline a few 'the's and stuff

so:

still of night
the lake, the sky glow silver
I lay awake to watch
wisps of cloud drift across stars
till a wisp of a dream
drifting out of the dark lake
climbs onto the giant rock

i like the use of 'centuries' here, it brings the wispiness being formed into a more solid feel again in the poem, solid being good for the lines to follow about bodies. i really like 'She glides closer, a mystery/ magical and terrible' and your imagery of moonlight on water. again, nice contrasts set up.


Kiss her, touch her, strip and
sink deep into her,
her body rushes against mine
hot and heavy as August
pressing me down
the rumble of my desire
and flash of her climax
and the rain sweeps over us
washing away everything
but soft sighs
dripping down
soaking into the russet soil
Waves lap against the shore
Clouds blow across the stars

don't like that first line. the rest, s'luvverly and works absolutely for me, reps and all. the first line sucketh. sorry find a better way to say that. or don't ok, a few tiny tweaks:

(first line)
sink deep into her
her body rushes against mine
hot and heavy as August
pressing me down
the rumble of my desire
the flash of her climax
and the rain sweeps over us
washing everything away
but soft sighs that drip
down
soaking russet soil

waves lap the shore
clouds blow across the stars

The long Northern dawn
finds me stretched out on the giant rock
worn smooth by the lake's caresses
In the thick morning mist
the lonesome loon sings

right. hmmmn. while i see how these lines tie in for continuity, and 'round out' the ending, for me the end of this poem fell most naturally with the 'clouds' line. imagery-wise, i see the idea of placing the narrator visually on the rock - really, i do get that - but, as a poem, i felt it had already ended before reading that last part.

Any and all feedback is welcome.

all in all, this sums up what i'm seeing, but the feelings are far better:
life's climb out of the wet prehistories, driven by primal urges and on into modernity where he finds he's still driven just the same, and is as much at home on the rock by the river as any primordial creature ever was.

hope some of this might be food for thought, nerk. if not, i still enjoyed the journey

 

[nerk]

all in all, this sums up what i'd seeing, but the feelings are far better:
life's climb out of the wet prehistories, driven by primal urges and on into modernity where he finds he's still driven just the same, and is as much at home on the rock by the river as any primordial creature ever was.

hope some of this might be food for thought, nerk. if not, i still enjoyed the journey

Thanks chip

this is a LOT to think about, and on a first glance, I agree (or at least understand where you're coming from) with most of it. Right now, I just want to make one thing VERY clear, and this should be a hard-and-fast rule.

if you're going to say things like "the first line sucketh" you HAVE to give a little heads up. I spat coffee all over my keyboard, laughing.

 

[butters]

Thanks chip

this is a LOT to think about, and on a first glance, I agree (or at least understand where you're coming from) with most of it. Right now, I just want to make one thing VERY clear, and this should be a hard-and-fast rule.

if you're going to say things like "the first line sucketh" you HAVE to give a little heads up. I spat coffee all over my keyboard, laughing.

it looks a lot but it's not really. just minor tweaks. we all need a good tweak ivvery now an agin

ah. so. now the rule book cometh - what rough beast an all that ...

have a wipe