Advice

[NomadLady]

I have a suspicion that my Dom is playing mind games with me. It surrounds a supposed yahoo instant messenger unkown female sending him messages about his relationship with me. According to him, she claims to know my name, what I drive, what I do for a living, has pictures of me and knows some men that I've met through AFF. The first contact was about 6 weeks ago and two more since then, the last being yesterday morning.
He won't/hasn't sent me her screen name or copied me on the messages and since I asked him to do that after her first contact, now I'm suspicious. I can't decide if this is real or just a way to feed his ego.

Could use some suggestions on getting to the bottom of this. If this is truely someone he has met and fucked before meeting me I would think he would be more "concerned" about the consequences, considering he is married.

Thanks

D

 

[the captians wench]

Honestly, sounds like drama I would get myself away from.

If it is true, then that's some fucked up shit you need to deal with. Stalkers are no fun.

If he's just fucking with you, then he's showing his age and I'd drop him like a bad habbit.

Trust is the corner stone in any relationship, scaring the fuck out of me by telling me some ex with a vendetta is out there taking pics of me and following me around is not a good way to build trust.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Tell him he either shits or gets off the pot. Either he provides you with the messages-- including the ones he wrote back to her-- and username, or he takes a hike.

Fucking with my mind like that is a dealbreaker for me, in any sort of relationship.

 

[LunachickXXX]

You would assume if it were a mind game (and he were good at playing mind games and took pleasure in it)...he would derive a much more deep and intellectual type of mind game...something that questions your morals or pit two sentiments against each other, forcing you to contemplate and choose.

This situation... as stated before, just sounds like drama or a very feeble, shallow attempt at a "mind game" to make you jealous. If she knows all this RL info about you...why doesn't she know your messenger or how to contact you online? Why go through him? And by "considering he is married"...are you his wife/partner or are you saying he's married to someone else?

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Remember that "submissive" != "doormat".

Take your own health and safety into consideration, resolve the issue in a non-D/s manner (read: talk it out like two adults, not like a Dom/sub), and move on.

It could be that, as has been posted about several times before, he's finding a passive/aggressive way of ending the relationship. Eitherway, drama free is the way to be...

 

[NomadLady]

He is married outside his interest in BDSM. The "stalker" is supposed to be someone he met through AFF and fucked before we met months ago. Not sure what her motives are from what I get from him but he tells me she is obsessed with both of us and jealous of me.
When the relationship began he suggested and even bought a book for me, since then I've bought others and have been reading a LOT and studying the lifestyle. I emailed him yesterday and told him that this "stalker stuff" sounded like an attempt at a mindfuck.
Of course he claimed I was trying to "top from the bottom"....which I'm not, I just want to protect my safety from what could be a potential problem. After some rather heated exhanges I told him he knew how to reach me....I wouldn't bother him again.
I've learned a good way to piss me off is compare me to your wife.....

 

[NomadLady]

Thank You

For the replies....glad to have this resource for information.

 

[chy_girl]

He is married outside his interest in BDSM. The "stalker" is supposed to be someone he met through AFF and fucked before we met months ago. Not sure what here motives are from what I get from him but he tells me she is obsessed with both of us and jealous of me.
When the relationship began he suggested and even bought a boog for me, since then I've bought others and have been reading a LOT and studying the lifestyle. I emailed him yesterday and told him that this "stalker stuff" sounded like an attempt at a mindfuck.
Of course he claimed I was trying to "top from the bottom"....which I'm not, I just want to protect my safety from what could be a potential problem. After some rather heated exhanges I told him he knew how to reach me....I wouldn't bother him again.
I've learned a good way to piss me off is compare me to your wife.....

Not that I've accumulated extensive experience, but out of all the good/decent/competent PYL's I've ever met/known/talked with, not a single damned one of them would go so far as to accuse their pyl of bottom-topping when it came to something as serious as a stalker. Ever.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Of course he claimed I was trying to "top from the bottom".

Okay, he's an asshat, that's conclusive proof.

...which I'm not, I just want to protect my safety from what could be a potential problem. After some rather heated exhanges I told him he knew how to reach me....I wouldn't bother him again.

He won't bother YOU again, my dear. You may be submissive, but let's keep our priorities straight.

So, on to better things.. What books have you read? What did you like, what struck sparks in you?

 

[NomadLady]

I've had "Different Loving" for a long time, and have gone back to it for a reference. have recently gotten: "Screw the Roses" not read yet. "SM101" not read yet. "Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission" bought by my dom, almost finished reading and "The Loving Dominant" almost finished with that one as well.

Erotic Surrender has at times made me jealous of the author since there are moments I wish I could have the lifestyle 24/7. The Loving Dominant is really helping me learn what to watch out for and given lots on insight in the Dom role.

Thanks again for the very, very helpful advice.

 

[GoldunAngel]

i'm glad that you got some good advise and it seems to be ok. Not to hijack the thread from the original issue, but i have questions on the books you've got.
Has anyone else read any of those books. Which ones would you recommend the most? i am fairly new to the lifestyle and would love to read more about it.

 

[sb2009]

it seems like he's playing a child-ish mind game, not a (for lack of a better word?) dom-like mind fuck that has some sort of desired outcome on his part.

 

[NomadLady]

Thanks sb2009

didn't hear from him today....not sure that I will again. I still find it hard to understand if he thinks this "stalker" is potentially a problem, why he isn't more worried (being a married man) and doesn't think I should worry.

In one text message he's told me she is obsessed with ME..then a couple messages later, said it was all about him? go figure.

I do know a wonderful night of LOTS and LOTS of fun, hot, wild vanilla sex last night with a new friend put me in a MUCH better frame of mind about the whole situation....

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've had "Different Loving" for a long time, and have gone back to it for a reference. have recently gotten: "Screw the Roses" not read yet. "SM101" not read yet. "Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission" bought by my dom, almost finished reading and "The Loving Dominant" almost finished with that one as well.

Erotic Surrender has at times made me jealous of the author since there are moments I wish I could have the lifestyle 24/7. The Loving Dominant is really helping me learn what to watch out for and given lots on insight in the Dom role.

Thanks again for the very, very helpful advice.

Yeah, I have to watch myself for that same jealousy thing!

I kinda recall thinking that, in the Claudia Varrin books, she could have edited out some of the 24/7 lifestyle references for the sake of her readership that can't have such. There's a bigass difference in intent, between informational books and fantasy fodder books. But I read them when they first came out, and maybe I'm wrong?

Congrats on the hot night!

 

[DVS]

I have a suspicion that my Dom is playing mind games with me. It surrounds a supposed yahoo instant messenger unkown female sending him messages about his relationship with me. According to him, she claims to know my name, what I drive, what I do for a living, has pictures of me and knows some men that I've met through AFF. The first contact was about 6 weeks ago and two more since then, the last being yesterday morning.
He won't/hasn't sent me her screen name or copied me on the messages and since I asked him to do that after her first contact, now I'm suspicious. I can't decide if this is real or just a way to feed his ego.

Could use some suggestions on getting to the bottom of this. If this is truely someone he has met and fucked before meeting me I would think he would be more "concerned" about the consequences, considering he is married.

Thanks

D

If any of the above is true, she's a stalker. And is there even a chance she could have pictures of you? I'm assuming they would be suggestive pictures, if I read it correctly. Now, if they are just pictures of you on a street or in a bar or restaurant, this is for sure a stalking chic. Run away from her and him.

It could be his amateur way of introducing you to another woman in your relationship. I do say amateur, because if this is his intentions, he's being very immature about it.

He does seem to be a bit stupid, when it comes to being a Dom. You ask him about mind games and he accuses you of topping from the bottom? So cliche of him as well as stupid. Is this guy over 21?

 

[subgirl2]

Run Nomad Run.

This guy of yours does not sound like Mr Right Dom. It depends on what you want or need from your relationship. If he already has a wife and now this 'stalker', then you are not going to be his main priority. Don't settle. RUN

Thanks for the book titles btw, I will get them as I am pretty new to this myself but want to pursue it as 24/7. Just need to find a wonderful Daddy/Dom then I will be all set.

Congrats on your other sex.

 

[NomadLady]

If any of the above is true, she's a stalker. And is there even a chance she could have pictures of you? I'm assuming they would be suggestive pictures, if I read it correctly. Now, if they are just pictures of you on a street or in a bar or restaurant, this is for sure a stalking chic. Run away from her and him.

It could be his amateur way of introducing you to another woman in your relationship. I do say amateur, because if this is his intentions, he's being very immature about it.

He does seem to be a bit stupid, when it comes to being a Dom. You ask him about mind games and he accuses you of topping from the bottom? So cliche of him as well as stupid. Is this guy over 21?

Thanks DVS. He is 46, but yes, not being smart about this whole situation. I can't understand why he has even "engaged" her three times on yahoo IM. Block her, report her and spam and move on. If she keeps after you, then ask for the supposed "proof" (pics of me) or block her again. If nothing else, try to remember who you fucked before you met me that was a PSYCHO!!!!!!!!! and put a stop to it.

 

[NomadLady]

Yeah, I have to watch myself for that same jealousy thing!

I kinda recall thinking that, in the Claudia Varrin books, she could have edited out some of the 24/7 lifestyle references for the sake of her readership that can't have such. There's a bigass difference in intent, between informational books and fantasy fodder books. But I read them when they first came out, and maybe I'm wrong?

Congrats on the hot night!

Thanks Stella....I agree, they should have edited out some of the personal lifestyle references or had a chapter just about living it 24/7 and I would have skipped reading that chapter...

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Thanks DVS. He is 46, but yes, not being smart about this whole situation. I can't understand why he has even "engaged" her three times on yahoo IM. Block her, report her and spam and move on. If she keeps after you, then ask for the supposed "proof" (pics of me) or block her again. If nothing else, try to remember who you fucked before you met me that was a PSYCHO!!!!!!!!! and put a stop to it.

I think he's playing with her and toying with you, in order to feed his ego, and dick. I don't believe any of the the shit about "stalkergirl" knowing your details, unless he told her himself. Tell him to produce the proof (you'll need it for evidence after her home invasion ). Of course, barring some kind of exclusive D/s arrangement, he can do what he wants. But that doesn't mean the fucker needs to scare and torment you. That's bullshit.

 

[NomadLady]

I think he's playing with her and toying with you, in order to feed his ego, and dick. I don't believe any of the the shit about "stalkergirl" knowing your details, unless he told her himself. Tell him to produce the proof (you'll need it for evidence after her home invasion ). Of course, barring some kind of exclusive D/s arrangement, he can do what he wants. But that doesn't mean the fucker needs to scare and torment you. That's bullshit.

Thanks for another voice of confidence in my direction DeepGreenEyes.....there is no exclusive relationship so I'm basically waiting on the proof or the moving on part. Proof would be better in my book, at least then I could send an IM to her and see what the hell is going on.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

This sounds like dude is playing a dangerous game///

 

[NomadLady]

So far I haven't heard that this person has contacted him again. I haven't seen him face to face in a month now so if/when I do again this lady will be the first topic of conversation. I have asked him how to handle it, he says not to worry because he isn't worried.....which just makes no sense to me.

I really appreciate all the feedback I have gotten on this topic. It has been wonderful to know that not only am I not scared for no reason.....I'm not completely wrong in my thoughts that this is some silly game.

 

[redheadedtxn]

He's married.
How you are able to trust him enough to submit to him is something I don't understand.
Considering he's married, I'd probably assume he's lying to feed his own ego.
I dunno - I couldn't be the 3rd party interloper in someone else's marriage. I think I'd feel to insecure and question Him too much.
Good Luck.

 

[NomadLady]

I have a suspicion that my Dom is playing mind games with me. It surrounds a supposed yahoo instant messenger unkown female sending him messages about his relationship with me. According to him, she claims to know my name, what I drive, what I do for a living, has pictures of me and knows some men that I've met through AFF. The first contact was about 6 weeks ago and two more since then, the last being yesterday morning.
He won't/hasn't sent me her screen name or copied me on the messages and since I asked him to do that after her first contact, now I'm suspicious. I can't decide if this is real or just a way to feed his ego.

Could use some suggestions on getting to the bottom of this. If this is truely someone he has met and fucked before meeting me I would think he would be more "concerned" about the consequences, considering he is married.

Thanks

D

Update to my own post....got a text from this Dom today....evidently the wife met with a lawyer yesterday and also found a house to move to. I can't help but wonder if she was the "stalker" to begin with. I know he is stunned at the moment so now my gut is twisted in knots because I don't really want to get drug into a divorce...
Ironic that he has texted me two weeks ago to tell me that he had "straightened her out". I can't say that it is total a total shock to me since he claims they haven't had sex in over a year since he purchase a company in another state and starting spending a LOT of time away from home and she refused to move the family.

 

[Bandit58]

Update to my own post....got a text from this Dom today....evidently the wife met with a lawyer yesterday and also found a house to move to. I can't help but wonder if she was the "stalker" to begin with. I know he is stunned at the moment so now my gut is twisted in knots because I don't really want to get drug into a divorce...
Ironic that he has texted me two weeks ago to tell me that he had "straightened her out". I can't say that it is total a total shock to me since he claims they haven't had sex in over a year since he purchase a company in another state and starting spending a LOT of time away from home and she refused to move the family.

My advice...block, delete and RUN. You don't need his dramas. It's HIS shit and he needs to own it.

I have been involved with a married man before. It started online and moved to r/t (it wasn't a D/s relationship). He led me to believe it was only a matter of time before he left his wife (yes I was naive and vulnerable having not long left my ex husband). Needless to say he moved on after less than a year and I was left very hurt. As far as I know he's still with his wife and it's been 7 years

Married men are not worth the trouble. Unless they have the express permission of their wives to play outside the marriage, and you know this to be the absolute truth i.e. you have spoken to her yourself either on the phone or in person, then don't even go there