The pen went a'wanderin' across the page

[teknight]

I'm going to submit some of my poems here. Would love to hear your thoughts.

And I'd like to dedicate the thread to Raindear816. She inspired me to post. Thanks, doll!

 

[teknight]

nameless no.1

How perfect this place would be
Were it not for you and me!
Yet, in our combined absence
Who'd then be imbued with essence,
Sit and wonder
At the majesty of nature
Ponder Mother's
Grand ole' stature
Highlighted by
Man's conspicuous omission?

 

[teknight]

Write right!

And I pose
without repose
the universe grows red with prose
much like a drunkard's nose
A symptom of excess
I s'pose

For some have learned
(that's a strong word)
That pen beats sword
In indirect rapport, at least

Yet others seek
To deafen the meek
So that they might reach some peak
Of peace- a trick!

Yonder, there stands
the one who'll teach
those who won't listen
how to preach
In a new language,
Same old stitch
So that all* might get along

All work for "I"
while some shout "we"
out of conviction**
with(out) glee
Others, to attrition
Speak at "you"
Cause their mirrors broke
And what's a bloke to do for seven years?

*minus those obstinate, obtuse, obfuscating, obsolete
If only they could disappear somewhere in the deep, dark night!

**life without parole

 

[teknight]

For the writers:

On white
by teknight

A blank page:

A challenge?

A curse?

A question,

Waiting to be put in verse?

A desert to cross,
Or a cross to bear?
Neither here, nor there
an empty page
Full of future amazement
Or doodles and scrawls?
A waste, an investment,
What all
is in store?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

First impression ...... could you make up your mind if you are going to start each new line with a capital letter or not? my preference is only starting a sentence with one as it flows better on reading

 

[teknight]

First impression ...... could you make up your mind if you are going to start each new line with a capital letter or not? my preference is only starting a sentence with one as it flows better on reading

I will keep that in mind, but that's how these poems came out. I'm not touching them. They're done. Thanks, though.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You did ask and everybody needs to learn how to edit yours truly included

 

[teknight]

First impression ...... could you make up your mind if you are going to start each new line with a capital letter or not? my preference is only starting a sentence with one as it flows better on reading

A more serious, thought out answer, rather than my previous gut reaction:
I see poems as the ultimate word playground. I don't believe in structural limits, unless they literally can convey some sort of message, whether one that supports what's being said, or something completely incongruous.
I use capitalization, in part, to separate ideas, to delineate phrases and thoughts.
Because of the whole ultimate playground thing, I don't believe in editing poems. I write them in one go, when I'm highly focused on what's going on and that's it.
I'll gladly have my prose edited, but not my poems. I will give structure a try the next time I find my pen wandering across the page....

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well of course we must all do our own thing but if you're writing it for others consumption (i.e on a messageboard) why ask for opinions/critique if you're not going to take them onboard? You might just as well carry on willy nilly writing in your way for yourself. Oh by the way welcome to the board and do you want anymore critique to the actual poems themselves?

 

[teknight]

Well of course we must all do our own thing but if you're writing it for others consumption (i.e on a messageboard) why ask for opinions/critique if you're not going to take them onboard? You might just as well carry on willy nilly writing in your way for yourself. Oh by the way welcome to the board and do you want anymore critique to the actual poems themselves?

I did not start the flame war...
Sounds like an awesome first lyric to a song.
I've already explained this in 2 threads. I wrote you a structured poem: "Don't question me". I have in effect taken your advice.

Yeah, go on. Thank you!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Not sure if that's a yes or no!!

 

[teknight]

Not sure if that's a yes or no!!

Ahem. Yes, please, go on, I want to hear your thoughts....but I'll settle for reading what you write.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

will get back to you not got the time to do it justice at the moment

 

[butters]

before i spend time to think about these and comment, might i just suggest that one of the best ways to get people to do exactly that is to give some of your own to doing the same for others?

everyone likes to think their writings might get read and garner comments, but if that's all we do with no give-back then a forum like this would come to a standstill.

the other thing is that, while we don't require you to change what you've written simply because of our suggestions/opinions/thoughts, we would prefer others to remain polite and appreciate responses do take up valuable time. if you have no intention of changing the writes, fine; if this is the case, take others' responses in good humour and be prepared for some to disagree with your way of doing things.

sometimes it may be years down the line when you revisit some writings and realise how much they could have been improved with a little judicious editing. it sounds like you are one of those writing poetry who require time to get that kind of perspective - and there's nothing wrong nor unusual about that.

 

[teknight]

It'd seem I'm too much of an over-sensitive cunt this early in the morning. I shall return at noon.

 

[butters]

It'd seem I'm too much of an over-sensitive cunt this early in the morning. I shall return at noon.

ah, one of those types of cunt. ok, i get it i'll keep the noise down here for a while. have a coffee.

 

[butters]

And I pose
without repose
the universe grows red with prose
much like a drunkard's nose
A symptom of excess
I s'pose

For some have learned
(that's a strong word)
That pen beats sword
In indirect rapport, at least

Yet others seek
To deafen the meek
So that they might reach some peak
Of peace- a trick!

Yonder, there stands
the one who'll teach
those who won't listen
how to preach
In a new language,
Same old stitch
So that all* might get along

All work for "I"
while some shout "we"
out of conviction**
with(out) glee
Others, to attrition
Speak at "you"
Cause their mirrors broke
And what's a bloke to do for seven years?

*minus those obstinate, obtuse, obfuscating, obsolete
If only they could disappear somewhere in the deep, dark night!

**life without parole

the line that stands out for me, here, is 'the universe grows red with prose'. best line of the write, imo. the opening reminds me of Oliver! (might be the 'drunkard's nose, a symptom of excess I s'pose'), and the overall voice of the poem feels performance/stage soap-boxy. this piece also shows you enjoy using sound in your writing.

 

[butters]

On white
by teknight

A blank page:

A challenge?

A curse?

A question,

Waiting to be put in verse?

A desert to cross,
Or a cross to bear?
Neither here, nor there
an empty page
Full of future amazement
Or doodles and scrawls?
A waste, an investment,
What all
is in store?

ah, i'm thinking everyone who writes will be able to buy into this easily, having probably already written their own poems on just the same subject matter.

the answers? well, they'll be as plentiful and as varied as the questions.

 

[butters]

How perfect this place would be
Were it not for you and me!
Yet, in our combined absence
Who'd then be imbued with essence,
Sit and wonder
At the majesty of nature
Ponder Mother's
Grand ole' stature
Highlighted by
Man's conspicuous omission?

it's not man so much as his propensity for making his mark that's the problem. in his raw state he's as much a part of nature as any other natural thing. we are gawpers, no doubt about it; gawpers and ponderers. of course, without us Nature would sail sublimely on, neither needing homage nor caring about it.

but yeah, Nature's influence on us, her impact, is profound. no escaping the fact.

 

[champagne1982]

Performance poetry? Spoken, given, dedicated and left for those it's written for to remember? I think you've got great stuff happening. Mature it and then you'll have something even better to improve.

The reason I say that I figure you're a spoken word poet is because even though the work evolves each time it's performed, the written version isn't up for editing since the page is not the primary vehicle to deliver the message. That being said, once the verbal message has landed on the doorstep it is irretrievably in the past and not up for editing either. Is that a fair assessment? Is that why you say these pieces are "done"?

Maturity is sometimes signalled through the acceptance that no matter how perfect our poem is perceived to be, we can still find a way to improve it (usually through editing). I liked the poems. They're fine and I think serve your purpose. Thanks for sharing them.

 

[teknight]

The reason I say that I figure you're a spoken word poet is because even though the work evolves each time it's performed, the written version isn't up for editing since the page is not the primary vehicle to deliver the message. That being said, once the verbal message has landed on the doorstep it is irretrievably in the past and not up for editing either. Is that a fair assessment? Is that why you say these pieces are "done"?

Ha! Never thought about delivering my poems orally. And my reticence stems from the fact that I write my poems in a single, gruesome go. Once I put the pen down, it's down, and it's done. I guess I've not learned how to share....I'm an only child, what did you expect?

Maturity is sometimes signalled through the acceptance that no matter how perfect our poem is perceived to be, we can still find a way to improve it (usually through editing). I liked the poems. They're fine and I think serve your purpose. Thanks for sharing them.

Alright, alright. *opens the side entrance to his head* Get in here, if you're gonna edit.

 

[champagne1982]

Ha! Never thought about delivering my poems orally. And my reticence stems from the fact that I write my poems in a single, gruesome go. Once I put the pen down, it's down, and it's done. I guess I've not learned how to share....I'm an only child, what did you expect?



Alright, alright. *opens the side entrance to his head* Get in here, if you're gonna edit.

Oh! You really should speak them! You'll hear how the rhythm snaps right out of your tongue on teeth. Modulate, elevate, anticipate and regulate your adjectives and superlatives then you'll find the perfect pitch.

I won't edit, those are pretty good even though you've rewritten almost every great poet's early verse... You didn't know that did you? Everyone finds very similar points to question and arguments to wage. It's a mark of how good you can be - to travel the same road as wonderful poets without even realizing that they've paved the way. So, read poetry, write more and then read more again. And, read it aloud to get your instinctual sense of rhythm and diction up into your consciousness so that you can use it on purpose.

I'm off to tackle some necessary errands. Happy writing, but do bring your inner editor to the table and teach him to understand why a particular phrase or word works and when to use his red pen, even though your inner writer is screaming at the editor, "IT'S FINISHED FUCKTARD!"

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Is that what he was shouting lol

 

[teknight]

Is that what he was shouting lol

No. I was shouting far worse. Romanian can be very, very colorful.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I know have romanian friends