How do you know you're a sub?

[virginsuccubus]

I'm starting to suspect it could be possible, but I know so little of the BDSM world! How can one tell if one is a sub or a dom?

 

[CutieMouse]

Do you like to be in control? Odds are you're the "dominant" party in a relationship or sexual situation.

Do you like to give up control? Odds are you're the "submissive" party in a relationship or sexual situation.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I'm starting to suspect it could be possible, but I know so little of the BDSM world! How can one tell if one is a sub or a dom?

Does it make you just a bit hotter, a bit more willing to go along with your partner's wishes if he/she is somewhat forceful or assertive about expressing those desires? You may have submissive tendencies. That doesn't necessarily mean you're "a sub," just that you have that mindset to some degree.

In fact, few in the D/s world are *entirely* one or the other, IME. Few people are *entirely* one thing at all, whether it's personality, sexuality, or just about any other characteristic.

One thing that might help you determine your general mindset would be to review a BDSM checklist or two. See what activities arouse your interest - or your body - and in which direction.

 

[virginsuccubus]

Thank you all!

You really helped! Kisses!

 

[graceanne]

Yep, it's kinda like a line. Very rarely does someone score completely in one area, we're all just spots along the line.

 

[hoodooman]

would you rather inspire a lover to act out his most passionate desires such as taking you with forceful abandon, or do you prefer to be fully involved in what, when and where?

 

[Jaded_One]

sending one of my favorite posts that really straightened out all the random thoughts in my head to arrive at... yes, this is what I want.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310676

 

[Lord_Michael]

It's like Louis Armstrong once said when asked to define jazz:

If you gotta ask, you ain't got it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's like Louis Armstrong once said when asked to define jazz:

If you gotta ask, you ain't got it.

Louie was wrong about that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

sending one of my favorite posts that really straightened out all the random thoughts in my head to arrive at... yes, this is what I want.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310676

Isn't it a great feeling when something suddenly rings that bell?

 

[straponqueenuk]

If you don't already know, then maybe you're neither. Most people are more one thing or the other, but some can be either dominant or submissive dependent on the situation. If you think about your fantasies, what role do you play in them? If it's not obvious then maybe you're not cut out for dominance-submission games.

 

[chy_girl]

I'm starting to suspect it could be possible, but I know so little of the BDSM world! How can one tell if one is a sub or a dom?

Personally, I knew when I tried it.

I'd scened a couple of times and it was very good, but there was something not there when I bottomed. The first time I attended a play party with my current people it was as a sub being considered and I was to act as such. And, in my heart of hearts, it just felt amazingly right.

You've gotten some good advice. Look around, read up... hell, attend a local munch and talk to people. And experiment safely and responsibly. You'll figure it out. There's lots of degrees and lots of combinations when you toss everything together.

Good luck and be safe.

It's like Louis Armstrong once said when asked to define jazz:

If you gotta ask, you ain't got it.

Really?
Wow. And there's no difference between jazz (or porn, for that matter) and personal introspection and growth?

Perhaps I should let my Mistress and Sir know that I'm magically not their subbie-girl any more because I asked the "Am I..." questions. The overwhelming desire to serve them and be strung up and flogged senseless must just be a personality quirk.

If you don't already know, then maybe you're neither. Most people are more one thing or the other, but some can be either dominant or submissive dependent on the situation. If you think about your fantasies, what role do you play in them? If it's not obvious then maybe you're not cut out for dominance-submission games.

What the hell is it with lines like this. Is there some kind of secret blood test that says you're positive for the subbie gene? Or Dom gene? Cause just about everyone I've talked extensively went the whole personal growth/learning about yourself route.

 

[straponqueenuk]

What the hell is it with lines like this. Is there some kind of secret blood test that says you're positive for the subbie gene? Or Dom gene? Cause just about everyone I've talked extensively went the whole personal growth/learning about yourself route.

Fair enough if that's your experience, I don't want to contradict that. But, to my mind, most people already know from prior experience which way their tendencies lie. Maybe there isn't a "dom gene", but certain people are psychologically more set up to be dominant personalities.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

If you don't already know, then maybe you're neither. Most people are more one thing or the other, but some can be either dominant or submissive dependent on the situation. If you think about your fantasies, what role do you play in them? If it's not obvious then maybe you're not cut out for dominance-submission games.

.... Really?
Wow. And there's no difference between jazz (or porn, for that matter) and personal introspection and growth?

Perhaps I should let my Mistress and Sir know that I'm magically not their subbie-girl any more because I asked the "Am I..." questions. The overwhelming desire to serve them and be strung up and flogged senseless must just be a personality quirk.


What the hell is it with lines like this. Is there some kind of secret blood test that says you're positive for the subbie gene? Or Dom gene? Cause just about everyone I've talked extensively went the whole personal growth/learning about yourself route.

Fair enough if that's your experience, I don't want to contradict that. But, to my mind, most people already know from prior experience which way their tendencies lie. Maybe there isn't a "dom gene", but certain people are psychologically more set up to be dominant personalities.

There is a vast difference between being a "dominant personalit[y]" and a Dominant. I know an extremely dominant personality, a very, very good, long-time capital crime defense attorney, who in his private sex life is as submissive as submissive can get.

 

[chy_girl]

There is a vast difference between being a "dominant personalit[y]" and a Dominant. I know an extremely dominant personality, a very, very good, long-time capital crime defense attorney, who in his private sex life is as submissive as submissive can get.

That^

In daily life I can be extremely dominant when necessary. When I was younger I was constantly dominant, whether it was necessary or not... especially when it was not. That doesn't mean I'm a Dominant in a BDSM sense.

On top of which, you'd be amazed at how many pyl's I've spoken to that scream dominant in their daily life and hold very dominant positions. Yet they want nothing more than to submit to another person and the lack of ability to do that sends them (and myself) spinning out of balance.

There are also a number of people who didn't discover that they're a switch (or a masochistic PYL, or a sadistic pyl, or, or, or) until they got involved and started discovering what their needs and desires actually looked like. Everyone is different and everyone changes, but to think that someone should automatically know exactly how much of what they are and be ok with it is silly.

Just breathing leaves us in a constant process of discovery and growth. BDSM isn't any different.

 

[teknight]

Fair enough if that's your experience, I don't want to contradict that. But, to my mind, most people already know from prior experience which way their tendencies lie. Maybe there isn't a "dom gene", but certain people are psychologically more set up to be dominant personalities.

Not saying no, but you might not have prior experience...or not associate it with an explicit D/s mindset.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Fair enough if that's your experience, I don't want to contradict that. But, to my mind, most people already know from prior experience which way their tendencies lie. Maybe there isn't a "dom gene", but certain people are psychologically more set up to be dominant personalities.

"to your mind" isn't really a good basis for a universal assumption, just saying. You might want to say something like;

"I had already known from prior experience, and I know other people like this as well." (if in fact you do know other people like that)

Me, I had no idea of my Dom ability until I'd had the chance to play as a bottom for about five years. Things have changed as I've gotten older. I still love to be 'done unto' as a bottom-- but I don't do submission very well at all, and I am perfectly comfortable with directing the action.

 

[FungiUg]

Is there some kind of secret blood test that says you're positive for the subbie gene? Or Dom gene? Cause just about everyone I've talked extensively went the whole personal growth/learning about yourself route.

I think that's the point: that we've all been learning about ourselves, so it's stuff that was already a part of us, we've just been exploring it.

I don't think it's genetic, I think it's more an inherent psychological trait inherent in everyone than in some of us just gets switched on all the time. Same with traits like sadism and masochism. Some people get off on pain, some on inflicting it.

Fetishism is where it starts getting really interesting.

Anyway, you're right... we do all seem to go the "learning about ourselves" route, but there has to be something there to learn about.

What I disagree with is the "if you have to ask, you're probably not". "Submissive" is a label, and to identify with the label you have to learn what it means even if you are one. I know I didn't start calling myself a "dominant" until I had a much better understanding of what it meant.

 

[chy_girl]

I think that's the point: that we've all been learning about ourselves, so it's stuff that was already a part of us, we've just been exploring it.

I don't think it's genetic, I think it's more an inherent psychological trait inherent in everyone than in some of us just gets switched on all the time. Same with traits like sadism and masochism. Some people get off on pain, some on inflicting it.

Fetishism is where it starts getting really interesting.

Anyway, you're right... we do all seem to go the "learning about ourselves" route, but there has to be something there to learn about.

What I disagree with is the "if you have to ask, you're probably not". "Submissive" is a label, and to identify with the label you have to learn what it means even if you are one. I know I didn't start calling myself a "dominant" until I had a much better understanding of what it meant.

I was being a bit sammy with the genetics test comment. Humans are in a constant learning flux from birth (if not before). To say that someone should automatically know something about themselves is silly and makes me wonder what introspection the person who makes such a comment is missing.

The psychology behind the various aspects of BDSM is intriguing. I wish there were more information on it from a legitimate academic perspective.

 

[Submissive_Salena]

Good point!

There is a vast difference between being a "dominant personalit[y]" and a Dominant. I know an extremely dominant personality, a very, very good, long-time capital crime defense attorney, who in his private sex life is as submissive as submissive can get.

I have been my entire life, a dominant personality, a take charge person. I am currently a female truck driver in a male dominated world. I have never had the chance to be submissive and am finding I am taking to it like a duck to water! That I crave/need that feeling that being submissive gives me. Totally new experience! It is frightening allowing that much power over oneself, but it is also very liberating to finally feel you have come home...

 

[FungiUg]

It's not uncommon, Salena. (Welcome along, BTW! Always good to have someone who jumps in and joins in the chatting.)

I think from my conversations with professional dominatrixes, their most common client tends to be the "high powered male executive". Some people do seem to go the route of one way for work, the other for play. Personally I think that's a really healthy balanced way to be.