Domination Motivation

[SmallRabbit]

I am not one inch of a dominant person, except publicly. I present myself as pretty dominant professionally and socially, giant huge walls erected to protect myself from other people. I enjoy managing situations and being in charge of things at work and such, but when it comes to the bare bones of my mental state I'm a complete submissive. So, I'm fascinated by the psychology behind domination because it feels completely foreign to me. I have no desire to practice it in a D/s situation, but I'm intrigued.

This is kind of an open request, but I was wondering if any of the Doms/Dommes here would be so generous to weigh in on how it makes them feel to practice the different aspects of domination. It feels a little inappropriate asking...like I'm not allowed, but I'm going to. What's the motivation behind it? What's the reward? How does it feel to punish/reward someone? To assign tasks? Does it get boring commanding all the time?

 

[MasterPhoenix]

That's kind of like the reporters asking Doug Williams how long he's been a black quarterback.

I am a Dominant because that is who and what I am. It is how I relate with females.

Maybe, I am misunderstanding the tenor of your question, and if so I apologize, but being a Dominant in a relationship is just me, and I don't really have anything to compare it to...

 

[SmallRabbit]

I guess I was really curious about how it makes someone feel to dominate another. I sometimes spend too much time being analytical, heh.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I guess I was really curious about how it makes someone feel to dominate another. I sometimes spend too much time being analytical, heh.

I can tell you that it is something that I really enjoy and is very fulfilling when its right...

 

[sweepthefloor]

The lamb inside the lion. I have always had this suspicion that assertive, in charge people on the outside turn into lambs behind closed doors.

I am not a dominant nature, so I can't really comment to your questioning, but this post just made me ponder something.

 

[NomadLady]

I am not one inch of a dominant person, except publicly. I present myself as pretty dominant professionally and socially, giant huge walls erected to protect myself from other people. I enjoy managing situations and being in charge of things at work and such, but when it comes to the bare bones of my mental state I'm a complete submissive. So, I'm fascinated by the psychology behind domination because it feels completely foreign to me. I have no desire to practice it in a D/s situation, but I'm intrigued.

This is kind of an open request, but I was wondering if any of the Doms/Dommes here would be so generous to weigh in on how it makes them feel to practice the different aspects of domination. It feels a little inappropriate asking...like I'm not allowed, but I'm going to. What's the motivation behind it? What's the reward? How does it feel to punish/reward someone? To assign tasks? Does it get boring commanding all the time?[/QUOTE

SmallRabbit, I am much like you being publicy dominant. Tall, BBW, aggressive Type A personality who likes to get things done and done RIGHT. The sense of satifaction etc that I get in the business work from a job well done I suspect is much like a dominant feels about his "work" concerning his/sub. I really don't think the psychology is not that much different. There are times I would love to take a belt and wear out the ass of a coworker for their stupid crap or punish them in some other type way.....but that is my professional life. I am also caregiver for an elderly parent so that involves more or a "dominating self" as well.
But...when outside all of that when I can be with a dom....I am totally submissive.

 

[JMohegan]

What's the motivation behind it? What's the reward? How does it feel to punish/reward someone? To assign tasks? Does it get boring commanding all the time?

Motivation: If I'm not in control in a personal relationship, I'm not happy, satisfied, or aroused.

Reward: If I'm in control, I'm happy, satisfied, aroused.

Punish/reward: I'm not interested in that dynamic.

Assigning tasks for the sake of assigning tasks: Not interested in that, either.

Boring?: No.

 

[VelvetSin]

SmallRabbit, I am much like you being publicy dominant. Tall, BBW, aggressive Type A personality who likes to get things done and done RIGHT. The sense of satifaction etc that I get in the business work from a job well done I suspect is much like a dominant feels about his "work" concerning his/sub. I really don't think the psychology is not that much different. There are times I would love to take a belt and wear out the ass of a coworker for their stupid crap or punish them in some other type way.....but that is my professional life. I am also caregiver for an elderly parent so that involves more or a "dominating self" as well.
But...when outside all of that when I can be with a dom....I am totally submissive.

I'm interested in all the responses to this thread (Dom and sub). I can't wait to see more.

In the public eye I must be assertive, professional, and demanding. I would be bad at my job if I were not. I expect the best out of the people that work for me and if I don't get it there are consequences. That isn't to say I'm a raging bitch every second, if I know someone did their best (whether or not the end result was what we all wanted), I work to reward that and see them grow. A job well done makes all of us look good and I will do everything in my power to give my employees all the tools and motivation they need to achieve their best so the entire department benefits. It doesn't leave much room for meekness even in the positive exchanges. Friendliness and generosity yes, but the "in control" mask can never slip. (I made that mistake a few times early on, it doesn't lead to good places.)

I relate to Smallrabbit, NomadLady, and sweepthefloor though. Once I get home I want to leave all of that behind. It isn't *me* on the inside, and my current relationship is the first man that could see beyond the public packaging to the real me. We were together a long while before we started formally exploring this road (he was into it before me but set it aside until I was ok with learning), but once I started reading and looking at what it really is, our relationship was very D/s oriented before any names were given to the roles. I sometimes have a hard time leaving the work mask at the front door but he never has a problem peeling it away, and i adore him for it. He's not the punishment-oriented type (he's done it a few times but it was mainly in a playful way) but he's always in control when we're together and always was even before we (well, i) acknowledged what was really happening. It's just the way it is and the way we both like it.

 

[where]

uh huh, another person here who is very dominant in the public sphere but not sexually dominant. It seems to be quite common, but I somehow doubt the reverse is ever true, that people who appear meek and submissive in public, become dominant sexually.

Though I suppose the self contained silence that some doms have could be construed as such.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not particularly meek socially, but in a group project situation I'm happiest being in charge of one area separate from everyone else coming back with my findings and being done with it. I don't like to lead, socially, I don't like to follow socially, I just want to do my own thing. I'm only marginally less attracted to being in charge of other people professionally than I am attracted to having others in charge of me - I dislike both.

I dislike hierarchy, socially, very much. I find that people leaping in to lead everything are often very dependent on hierarchy, no less so than those following them.

I value my autonomy above all. So in sexuality, this shakes out as Dominance, which I enjoy immensely. I love being in charge of other people when I feel like the underlying structure (my life versus making money for someone else) is a worthwhile one at stake.

 

[vintage63]

I am pretty much out going and like some control both at work and socially. I like to organize and be in charge. Now though I have discover the bliss of being submissive in a relationship and it was very appealing and think this is just who I am.

I asked my Master the same questions you are asking about Domination and he said it was just what has always felt right to him. Like other posters for him it was not about punishing and rewarding, and tasks were only for direction and learning and growing.

cheers

 

[YourCaptor]

Sexual domination can bring out a lot of different emotions.

There is the megalomaniac. I'm big, you're small. And thats just plain hot, cant articulate it too much. I think it's human nature to think that way, for example look at classic stories of heros and such.

Their is total submission, which in everyday life you rarely get. Life is never perfect, little things complicate everything, I'll never get total submission from random strangers. In sex I think its possible, because I think sex is one of the only games that adults still play. Interestingly I was always that kid that went, "no you can't shoot me, you're already dead", if you know what I mean.

Hedonism has a role too. Just felling pleasure, or sadism, very basic.

And I can just be me. Opposite of you, in work and such I have to tone things down. I don't want to be an over controlling asshole, I care about being a good person. My immediate reaction needs "translating" so I can work as part of a team, in D/s however I can just let it all be as it comes.

 

[kitten_candy]

i used to think about such things but don't much anymore. things just are as they are.

the more i try to analyze things in the "why do i do it?" arena, the less i know.

sure, an unexamined life and all that... it's always good to ask questions, be open to new perspectives. hopefully, OP, you're getting that.

at some point, though, once you know who you are, you just need to be.

 

[SmallRabbit]

No offense intended but I hope I never just "am". I want to ask questions and find the answers forever.

 

[kitten_candy]

no offense taken!

different strokes.

there are many things i continue to question and look forward to learning new things all the time.

it's more in the realm of the "who am i" stuff that i feel fairly comfortable with.

didn't mean to rain on your parade. i always enjoy looking in to other people's heads via their replies.

 

[Homburg]

I dislike hierarchy, socially, very much. I find that people leaping in to lead everything are often very dependent on hierarchy, no less so than those following them.

I value my autonomy above all. So in sexuality, this shakes out as Dominance, which I enjoy immensely.

This is much how I am.

A friend of mine told me that I spent most of our time as friends climbing to the top of whatever pile there was in a given social situation. It was said in a mildly derogatory fashion, and was linked to putting my boot on someone else's neck for my own satisfaction.

I disagreed. It is not about putting my boot on the other guy's neck. It's all about no one being able to put their boot on MY neck. More often than not, the only two ways to prevent it are either removing myself from the social interaction, or climbing on top. And I'm no hermit.

My sexuality is no different. I want my needs fulfilled, period, and a big one is no boot on my neck. Thus the simplest solution, and (fortunately) the most pleasurable and fulfilling on for me, is to build relationships with people for whom getting the boot is a positive.

 

[SmallRabbit]

" Thus the simplest solution, and (fortunately) the most pleasurable and fulfilling on for me, is to build relationships with people for whom getting the boot is a positive."

Heh, getting the boot. I like it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I don't define or describe myself as a Dominant, but rather a Sadist with some Dominant tendencies... primarily in saying (so to speak): "Lie there. Take this. Feel this. Suck this. Spread that/those."

The motivation and reward for me? Arousal, enjoyment of the other's sensations/pain and reactions to them.

Punish/reward? Nah, not so much, though I will/do punish on rare occasions, and frequently "reward" with a "Good girl," or similar comment. Punishments seldom have anything to do with whuppin' ass, though. That, too, is a reward for my masochistic partner

Assign tasks? Meh. That's not my thing.

Boring? Hell, no. I *love* hearing whimpers and watching welts rise on tender ass-flesh, bruises - when they do come - rising through the meat... and beating on her breasts, butt and thighs makes me horny, which leads to sexual activity. How could that get boring?

 

[SmallRabbit]

Thank you for mentioning sadism outside of domination... I can understand, to a limited extent, a squeamish feeling about the concept of enjoying to inflict pain. I don't have any judgement of course (where would girls like me who wish to receive be without someone to give it us?)...but it's always been interesting to me. I love the sensation of being beaten, the psychology, the neat little noises I tend to start making, the welting and reddening (and the warmth!)... I suppose not that different, huh?

 

[FungiUg]

When I have to describe myself in D/s terms it's as a "sexual dominant". Actually, I can be dominant outside of sexual situations as well, such as work, but I have had to learn to find my off switch there (it's not my job to take over and run every meeting, for example).

In terms of sexual dominance, I can also be sadistic, but only where it achieves an effect. Of course, I then having to deal with wanting to hurt someone because it's the only way to achieve that effect, but I've wrapped my head around that one long ago. So I don't think of myself as a sadist, but I can be sadistic.

So with that out of the way, here are some ideas of how it feels to "practice the different elements of domination".

Sexual Dominance
Dominance (with a submissive) is just downright sexy fun. I get what I want, how and when I want it. But when I'm "in the zone", I seem to enter a mode where the woman just becomes a tool to help me reach my objective. I become hyper-focussed and lose track of nearly everything other than what I am doing and who I am doing it with. In some ways, it's about losing the complexities and just enjoying the sheer pleasure of making sex simple (not easy, but simple).

This is probably where I am most selfish, because it's all about the pleasure of making what I want into a reality. On the other hand, I only play with women who want it, so the actuality is probably less selfish than I feel.

Training
Training someone engages a "planning zone" in me. I haven't done much (any?) training with my lover, although we've talked about it, but she already does a lot of things I normally train for (obedience, orgasm on command, anal play and sex, cleaning up). She's very sexual and loves to please, so I haven't had to train her for arousal levels either, although I have been kicking around some ideas to keep her sexually "up" all the time (at differing levels).

Anyway, when I am training someone, it's objective focussed, and I seem to totally lose myself and become all about the person I am working with. I sort of know what I want to achieve through the training, but it becomes all about how to help someone achieve that. The thrill is in seeing someone achieve and feel good about pleasing me.

I do use reward and denial as part of training, carrot-and-stick, cognitive behaivoural techniques and so on. There's a whole ball of tricks that can be used. I should mention that denial is something in itself that can inspire a certain glee and sense of power, as I see a woman more desperate to please me than she is to get what she is being denied.

Topping (usually rope or bondage related)
Topping is fun too, but I tend to be more interactive with that, and less dominant. So I'm often asking questions, taking advice and so on. I'm back working on my rope work, and I always feel that two (or more) minds are better than one when it comes to figuring out stuff. I'm quite kinisthetic, so I learn by doing rather than by reading or being told. My lover is quite happy to be a rope bunny though, so it's all good!

Here I get the pleasure of figuring out how to do something, again how to achieve a certain effect on my partner, and the fun of exploring and creating something that looks good.

Topping is probably the bit where I am most comfortable doing stuff with friends, not someone I am in a sexual relationship with. So I can tie up guys (notably a friend of mine who is what Two Knotty Boys describe as a "squirmy bottom", and he always manages to get out of being tied up) and friends. I do get the most joy out of working with my lover though, because then it becomes a lead in for... other things.

Sadism
Unleasing the sadism (I believe it's a natural part of every person, I just get to play with it) is interesting. Almost cathartic in practice. I don't often do it out of anger, more out of playfulness. So there's a sense of "hee hee, I wonder what happens if I do this?" Er, okay, most of the time I already know what happens, although there is a somewhat exploratory nature to it at times. Of course, then I get to be all proud and show off the various bruises, welts, marks etc I have left behind.

Psychoanalysing
I'm not a trained psychoanalyst or anything, it's just the most apt title for this section that I could think of.

Getting into someone's head and seeing how they work, what physical and mental buttons can be pushed and manipulated is scary fun. Scary in realising how easily I could damage someone with that capability. But fun in creating opportunities for me to express the other parts of my dominance.

I don't do this other than with someone willing (although it has popped out on occasion, and makes me sound like a stalker). Here, the feeling is all about the delight of figuring out how someone works, what drives them, how the pieces fit together, how I can use that to create what I want.

There's another side to this as well, where I use words to manipulate someone mentally and evoke a reaction. This links in with my dominance I think, and it creates much the same feeling of delight at turning a woman into a tool for my purposes.

Teasing
I don't think teasing is specifically a "dominant technique". I know many submissives are more qualified as teases than I am! It's something I take pleasure in though. By nature I seek the humour in a situation (yes, I laugh at funerals). So teasing is a way of humanising the experience, taking it out of the hyper-focus and dom-space and making it more of a fun thing we happen to be doing. I use it as an unwinding or reassuring mechanism. There's a relationship to denial here of course, but they are not necessarily the same thing, as teasing can be about something that has already happened.

I think that covers the majority of what I think of as my "elements of domination".

 

[Jaded_One]

It seems like there is quite a lot of responsibility in being a Dominant. Is the Dom in charge of his submissive's safety and well-being?

 

[SmallRabbit]

Thank you for the input FungiUg, how interesting...

 

[FungiUg]

It seems like there is quite a lot of responsibility in being a Dominant. Is the Dom in charge of his submissive's safety and well-being?

Wow. Now there's a full on topic for another conversation.

The simple answer is: yes and no.

The complicated answer is... complicated. People should be responsible for their own well-being, but in many BDSM contexts, that responsibility is passed over or shared.

As a top, should I tie someone up so they are physically helpless, then gag them so they cannot speak, then at that point I am assuming responsibility for their safety and wellbeing because I have removed their own capability to do so. However, it is also the responsibility of a bottom in such a situation to ensure that they can trust me to care for their wellbeing in such a situation before they allow it to happen.

Anyway, this is rather off-topic. Good topic though!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

What's the motivation behind it? What's the reward? How does it feel to punish/reward someone? To assign tasks? Does it get boring commanding all the time?

The motivation and the reward are the same for me: pleasure. It feels good. It feels right. It's how I'm wired. Maybe I'm kind of odd, but I like the collaborative part of D/s: I like pushing someone who, I feel, deep down, desperately longs to be pushed. I have no real interest, otherwise (weeeell, maaaaaybe a little interest ). I like the ritualized aspect of it, as well; it feels almost a religious feeling: give and take, resistance and conquering, denial and compliance, offering and taking, call and response. And the teasing and playfulness. When that's happening, it is the most wonderful drugs.

 

[FungiUg]

I like the ritualized aspect of it, as well; it feels almost a religious feeling: give and take, resistance and conquering, denial and compliance, offering and taking, call and response.

I didn't cover rituals for me, because it's something I haven't really done. Well, not successfully anyway. I probably should have covered denial and teasing though.