Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Thanks so much for your helpful advice. I do know how to braid hair (badly) so I decided to go ahead and punch my co-worker in his face. Yes, it's true, there is a man out there who babbles boringly. In fact, there are many. But I digress. Anyways, now that I've punched in his face, it's kind of late to suggest to him your suave techniques of farting or telling a dirty joke to keep things interesting. I DON'T want to see his cock so I won't bring that one up.

Oh, and punching my co-worker perked up my boss whose headache is now worse but she's sure not sullen anymore. She's kinda butch, though, and maybe she does have a dick, for all I know. Seems I will have to blow her (since she has no boss) if I want to get my job back after I serve time for the assault charge.

Again, thanks for your help.

Sincerely,
Over...at police booking

Dear booking,

Make sure you do not look like Nick Nolte right now. Don't need to see you on TMZ. I am still trying to figure out what you are being booked for? Hitting a clueless babbling co-worker? Is that illlegal in this country? That is bullshit. Maybe you should have asked him to see his cock first. Then stripped yourself then under the INWF you could have head butted his ass.

 

[Rikki_13]

Dear Clowns,

I appreciate all of your amusing wisdom and would love for you to amuse me right now. So I have another question for you from cosmo...

"I really like to wear comfortable cotton panties, but my boyfriend says it is sexier if I go without. Isnt there some health concerns by not wearing ANY panties? Should I really do this for him?"

As always,

looking for amusement and not wearing her undies

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I appreciate all of your amusing wisdom and would love for you to amuse me right now. So I have another question for you from cosmo...

"I really like to wear comfortable cotton panties, but my boyfriend says it is sexier if I go without. Isnt there some health concerns by not wearing ANY panties? Should I really do this for him?"

As always,

looking for amusement and not wearing her undies

Dear looking,

So lemme get this straight. You want to wear panties while your boyfriend wants you to go pantiless. Does he not understand how a twat smells without protection after it has been in the sun all day long. Does he not understand the irritation that is caused when the crease in a woman's jeans continues to eat her pussy till she is sporting the worlds biggest camel toe:

http://img832.imageshack.us/img832/7291/disturbingly20huge20cam.jpg

Share the above picture with him. Let him see what happens to a normal vagina when panties are not worn. Her vagina can now swallow a volkswagon beetle. It is like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and it cannot get enough blood.

So you tell him if he is wanting a pussy that he will have to fuck sideways to feel anything then you are more then happy to go pantiless. If he wants a vagina that will literally suck off and eat the condom he was wearing then by all means you will not wear any panties.

Better yet, tell him not to where boxers or tighty whities for a month. Let him sit down one hot sweaty day when his turkey neck is hanging 5 inches below his hose and he sits on his balls. Ask him if he had on any underwear would that have happened.

 

[Rikki_13]

Dear looking,

So lemme get this straight. You want to wear panties while your boyfriend wants you to go pantiless. Does he not understand how a twat smells without protection after it has been in the sun all day long. Does he not understand the irritation that is caused when the crease in a woman's jeans continues to eat her pussy till she is sporting the worlds biggest camel toe:

http://img832.imageshack.us/img832/7291/disturbingly20huge20cam.jpg

Share the above picture with him. Let him see what happens to a normal vagina when panties are not worn. Her vagina can now swallow a volkswagon beetle. It is like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and it cannot get enough blood.

So you tell him if he is wanting a pussy that he will have to fuck sideways to feel anything then you are more then happy to go pantiless. If he wants a vagina that will literally suck off and eat the condom he was wearing then by all means you will not wear any panties.

Better yet, tell him not to where boxers or tighty whities for a month. Let him sit down one hot sweaty day when his turkey neck is hanging 5 inches below his hose and he sits on his balls. Ask him if he had on any underwear would that have happened.

Holy shit clowns you are too funny!!!

Thank you!!!

 

[IhateClowns]

Holy shit clowns you are too funny!!!

Thank you!!!

Glad you find that a pussy eating pants affliction is funny

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

Ok, if it is alright, a sexual/dietary question.

Is it true that semen is full of calories, I'm trying to watch my weight, so this is something I really need to know.

~Swallows in MI

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Ok, if it is alright, a sexual/dietary question.

Is it true that semen is full of calories, I'm trying to watch my weight, so this is something I really need to know.

~Swallows in MI

Dear Guzzler,

It actually depends on what aerobic activity you are doing prior to taking the load. I mean if you are bobbing your head like the Bubati Brothers then you are buring a few calories and well you have no worries. Now if you are doing some laundry and you here a scream of I am about to cum. Then go walking briskly down the hall to the living room and drop to your knees and take the load then you might want to consult weight watchers because you didn't burn enough calories.

Now the other question is just how much of a load your man produces. If he is his own bukkake video then yeah you might want to do a few push-ups afterwards. If you are trying to swallow and semen is dripping out of your nose then yeah maybe walking a mile or two or mixing in a salad with dinner is a good idea.

Finally it depends on how often you are taking loads to the tonsils. I mean if your lips look like you have been eating a powdered donut all day then you might need to worry about calories. If you always look like you are pronouncing the letter "O" you might want to tone it down a notch.

Finally why on earth would anyone want to swallow cum. It is vile. It looks like pancake batter was shot out from an icing tube. I don't care if my semen was fat free the only place it is being deposited is in my wife's vagina, in oyster shapes on her stomach or in my handy jack towel.

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Guzzler,

It actually depends on what aerobic activity you are doing prior to taking the load. I mean if you are bobbing your head like the Bubati Brothers then you are buring a few calories and well you have no worries. Now if you are doing some laundry and you here a scream of I am about to cum. Then go walking briskly down the hall to the living room and drop to your knees and take the load then you might want to consult weight watchers because you didn't burn enough calories.

Now the other question is just how much of a load your man produces. If he is his own bukkake video then yeah you might want to do a few push-ups afterwards. If you are trying to swallow and semen is dripping out of your nose then yeah maybe walking a mile or two or mixing in a salad with dinner is a good idea.

Finally it depends on how often you are taking loads to the tonsils. I mean if your lips look like you have been eating a powdered donut all day then you might need to worry about calories. If you always look like you are pronouncing the letter "O" you might want to tone it down a notch.

Finally why on earth would anyone want to swallow cum. It is vile. It looks like pancake batter was shot out from an icing tube. I don't care if my semen was fat free the only place it is being deposited is in my wife's vagina, in oyster shapes on her stomach or in my handy jack towel.

Good to know, and I'll only say, don't knock it til you've tried it ... er, or not.

 

[IhateClowns]

Good to know, and I'll only say, don't knock it til you've tried it ... er, or not.

I made the mistake of hitting my face one time and was laughed at loudly for it...I felt dirty and headed straight to church without cleaning up. Such a sinner I was

 

[kendra1980]

I made the mistake of hitting my face one time and was laughed at loudly for it...I felt dirty and headed straight to church without cleaning up. Such a sinner I was

Which begs the question...did you feel it was a good skin toner?

 

[IhateClowns]

Which begs the question...did you feel it was a good skin toner?

I think painting someone white face is racist personally

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

I have a problem, I don't like wearing underwear as a rule. But some men have expressed how much they love seeing a woman in underwear (preferably the sexy kind).

What should I do, do I wear the underwear or do I not?

Help me!

Yours truly,
underwear-less

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I have a problem, I don't like wearing underwear as a rule. But some men have expressed how much they love seeing a woman in underwear (preferably the sexy kind).

What should I do, do I wear the underwear or do I not?

Help me!

Yours truly,
underwear-less

Dear non underwear wearer,

What rule is this you speak of and is this rule ruled by someone in particular? I answered a question similiar to this earlier but let me sum it up simply. What o you plan on doing when you get home from a long hot sweaty day with no underwear on? If the answer is to chill out then no worries go, be free, let the wind cause a whistling sound between your thighs.

Now if you are not wearing any underwear all day in the hot sweaty sun and plan on going home and doing some face sitting, my suggestion is to by a air freshner with a waistband attachment.

 

[Wraith0]

Dear Clowns,

Ok, if it is alright, a sexual/dietary question.

Is it true that semen is full of calories, I'm trying to watch my weight, so this is something I really need to know.

~Swallows in MI

Perhaps another might shed some more accurate light on this question?

A googling turned up this little gem:

"What's in sperm? Will swallowing make my girlfriend gain weight?
There are many ingredients composing semen, and its makeup is the same from man to man. Here are a few of the constituent elements: vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, cholesterol, citric acid, creatine, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc.

So what effect will all this have on her waistline? Well, not much of an effect at all. The caloric content of the average ejaculate is estimated to be approximately 5 to 25 calories -- hardly the most fattening meal.

And for those of you who wrote in asking if semen is a good source of protein, its protein content is roughly equivalent to that found in the egg white of a large egg. So she's probably best off sticking with eggs."

- Semen Questions, AskMen.com

 

[IhateClowns]

Perhaps another might shed some more accurate light on this question?

A googling turned up this little gem:

"What's in sperm? Will swallowing make my girlfriend gain weight?
There are many ingredients composing semen, and its makeup is the same from man to man. Here are a few of the constituent elements: vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, cholesterol, citric acid, creatine, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc.

So what effect will all this have on her waistline? Well, not much of an effect at all. The caloric content of the average ejaculate is estimated to be approximately 5 to 25 calories -- hardly the most fattening meal.

And for those of you who wrote in asking if semen is a good source of protein, its protein content is roughly equivalent to that found in the egg white of a large egg. So she's probably best off sticking with eggs."

- Semen Questions, AskMen.com

Thank you for shedding more accurate information on this question. I know the people of lit come to the Dear Clowns thread for accurate and justified information as opposed to me just making an ass out of myself. I appreciate you taking the time to set me straight.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear non underwear wearer,

What rule is this you speak of and is this rule ruled by someone in particular? I answered a question similiar to this earlier but let me sum it up simply. What o you plan on doing when you get home from a long hot sweaty day with no underwear on? If the answer is to chill out then no worries go, be free, let the wind cause a whistling sound between your thighs.

Now if you are not wearing any underwear all day in the hot sweaty sun and plan on going home and doing some face sitting, my suggestion is to by a air freshner with a waistband attachment.

Dear Clowns,
Thank you so much for your help on this. I feel enlightened as always.

Loyal Reader-

 

[Wraith0]

I deeply apologize. I had assumed you weren't trying to do so. Carry on, good sir.

 

[IhateClowns]

I deeply apologize. I had assumed you weren't trying to do so. Carry on, good sir.

No reason to apologize at all..I am truly full of shit and if someone can actually learn something from this thread then by God I have accomplished something. Even if that information wasn't from myself

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
Thank you so much for your help on this. I feel enlightened as always.

Loyal Reader-

Loyal breeder huh? Oh oh reader. Cool good to see my fanbase has doubled to 1

 

[Wraith0]

I like your style. Do you mind an occasional commentator? I've often felt compelled to augment the amusements of advice columns, though my efforts via the paper are often found only by the eyes of Waste Management's sorting crew, if at all.

 

[IhateClowns]

I like your style. Do you mind an occasional commentator? I've often felt compelled to augment the amusements of advice columns, though my efforts via the paper are often found only by the eyes of Waste Management's sorting crew, if at all.

Commentate away. As long as my loyal fan doesn't seemed bothered by it then why should I be.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Commentate away. As long as my loyal fan doesn't seemed bothered by it then why should I be.

your loyal fan isn't!

 

[Rikki_13]

I made the mistake of hitting my face one time and was laughed at loudly for it...I felt dirty and headed straight to church without cleaning up. Such a sinner I was

wish I could have seen that. I love to watch a guy cum...

On a side note, here is another question for you.

I have the problem of gushing quite a lot when I cum. I think some guys get angered over the mess. What should I do, lay a tarp down, fake a less messy orgasm, or keep looking for a new guy?

 

[Wraith0]

wish I could have seen that. I love to watch a guy cum...

On a side note, here is another question for you.

I have the problem of gushing quite a lot when I cum. I think some guys get angered over the mess. What should I do, lay a tarp down, fake a less messy orgasm, or keep looking for a new guy?

I say blast em with all you got, baby! Squirting is hot as hell, so definitely don't tone it down. Play a lil game with them; pretend you're at one of those shoot-the-target kiosks at a carnival, and see if you can nail them in the eyes. Remember, the more you fire, the better chance you have of nabbing a bullseye!

 

[IhateClowns]

wish I could have seen that. I love to watch a guy cum...

On a side note, here is another question for you.

I have the problem of gushing quite a lot when I cum. I think some guys get angered over the mess. What should I do, lay a tarp down, fake a less messy orgasm, or keep looking for a new guy?

Dear "There she blows!"

First of no you wouldnt have wanted to see that. Not a pretty picture. Looked like I had oxy-clean smeared on my face prior to rubbing it in.


As for the gushing you do. I say use it to your advantage. Think about it. You can light candles around the room and never have to worry about blowing them out. You shouldn't have to turn the faucet off because you are embarassed leave that to married guys who are hiding the fact they are jerking off in the bathroom so their wives won't catch them.

I cannot imagine a guy getting angry over your spraying unless you are doing it across his poker table or pool table. Then you are taking it a bit too far.

So go for it. Spray away.