Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Not unless he's a socialist with it ...

Also, can you please get a microphone ...

Wow first and only post on this thread and you don't ask a question. Hmmmmm not sure I like that

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

You, me, doggy date. Hear what I'm saying?

She's Moved On To Press Studs Now Owner

Dear eye roller,

We can have our own lady and the tramp if you wish. My dog doesn't have balls anymore so your bitch has no worries about gaining stretch mark or DNS (Dangling Nipple Syndrome). She does have to work about him cheating on her though. He has this stuffed penguin that he likes to dry hump the fur off of. He doesn't have balls but I suppose like an amputee he has those phantom feelings and needs to hump something. I am sure he has a mental orgasm but his lipstick takes forever to go back in the tube.

What kind of date would your bitch like to go on? Are we talking high scale or are we talking walking around and marking over each other's piss stops? He is out of work at this time. Actually he is retired. A little gray in the beard, but will gather enough energy to chase the fuck out of a squirrel every now and then.

Just let me know

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

It's (still) a down economy and I'd like to keep my job. What's the best way to handle a babbling co-worker who won't shut the fuck up and a boss with a headache who's sulking, so that I don't lose it and stab them both (losing my job in the process)?

Sincerely,
Overexposed, Overcome and Overwrought

Dear over everything,

Yeah in today's economy you don't want to lose your job, however if you were to kill them you could go to jail where you would still get 3 square meals a day and a roof over your head. Then you can get rid of those annoying co-workers and start thinking of ways to smuggle in goods to sell to the other prisoners. Do you know how to braid hair by any chance? Every dateline I have seen regarding women in prison show a woman braiding another woman's hair. The woman getting her hair braided looks like she is in pain and kinda scowling, while the braider seems all happy and chipper. Seems like a nice time.

If you are not into murder or jail, then stop being so selfish, or I would just punch them in the face. Wouldn't that be cool. She sitting there jabbering on about her kids. How her lasagna turned out so delightful last night. How she islooking forward to the meeting that will keep you at work after hours. Just when you goes to say the next sentence you cold cock her. Lights out. Don't tell me that NONE of us have ever wished to do that.

Ok so for real. I would just tell her to shut the fuck up and she is boring you. I assume it is a she because well men don't babble (besides me) and we are far from boring creatures. just when we sense you are getting bored we fart, tell a dirty joke, or whip out our cocks and hope you are not horrified and call the police.

As for your boss, I would say you have to suck dick better so you can move up and become her boss. Well you can't suck her dick because well she doesn't have one, but you can suck her boss' because I know that he is a man. Start there and work your way up. I would invest in knee pads and wrinkle around the mouth cream.

If for some miraculous reason her boss is a female I would find another job.

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear Clowns

I went out and got drunk on the weekend, and (for reasons that remain a mystery) I have had a sore lower back ever since.

Of course I have a hot date tonight and would normally don the fishnets and stiletto heels as part of my standard 'honey trap' MO.

But I don't think I could possibly walk five paces in anything but my Birkenstocks - hardly first date footwear.

I have been looking forward to this shot at real sex for a couple of weeks now, what should I do?

Signed Desperate Hobbler

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns

I went out and got drunk on the weekend, and (for reasons that remain a mystery) I have had a sore lower back ever since.

Of course I have a hot date tonight and would normally don the fishnets and stiletto heels as part of my standard 'honey trap' MO.

But I don't think I could possibly walk five paces in anything but my Birkenstocks - hardly first date footwear.

I have been looking forward to this shot at real sex for a couple of weeks now, what should I do?

Signed Desperate Hobbler

Dear desperate hobbler,

Most of the times we get drunk it is a mystery as to why. Please don't be ashamed of yourself for that and put down the knife. There are times when one needs t let loose. Lower their inhibitions and see what kind of trouble they can get int.

So needless to say when we saw yu on TMZ hammered and licking that fire hydrant I knew things had gotten a little out of hand. Then to go on and spit at the camera guy and scream out "Fuck you Ashton Kutcher, I never got PUNKED!" Was just a serious lack of self control.

With that being said, I say just invite the guy over and order in. You can still wear the fishnets and high heels. When the door knocks just scream at him to come in like you did the photographers. I am sure he will hear you. Don't get up to greet him. Just pull a Sharon Stone Basic Instinct move and let him see your honeyhole.

When he starts moving closer say no no not yet and ask him to pass you the moo goo gai pan. Then start The Three Amigos. That movie will have him panting as well as you. Especially when they do their pelvic thrust.

Now here is the other problem you have to think about. How on earth are you going to give him a proper badgering if you cannot even walk in heels? My suggestion? Just open your motuh and let him throat fuck you. You seen then you dont have to move too much. He does all the work and you get the joy of trying not to puke up your moo goo gai pan as his oniony balls continue to slap against the underside of your chin.

When he has finished and you have managed to keep it all down with the help of pepto you can have him return the favor. Tell him to put on your favorite show The real housewives of New Jersey, grab a pint of ben and jerry's Karamel Sutra, plug in your toy and not to slam the door on his way out.

The reason you are doing this is two fold. You cannot afford the medical bills that will inevitably happen when he tries to put you in a position only a circus performer should be in. Second all the lawyer fees taht you will incur when you try to sue him for physically hurting you while trying to jab his noodle inside you. You will win the case mind you but then realize he lost his job 6 months ago, has no money, and now his wife wants half of the shit they have collected over the past 10 years.

Really do you need all of that? I highly doubt it, so i suggest taking two aspirin and calling him to tell him to fuck off and take care of his family.

 

[lolaluscious]

LOL.
You have exceeded expectations. I think I have now pulled a stomach muscle....

 

[IhateClowns]

LOL.
You have exceeded expectations. I think I have now pulled a stomach muscle....

I have no idea what you are talking about

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Dear Clowns,

I'm considering a new strategy for my sailboat racing (seeing as how I've not gotten a decent start all season). I'm thinking of getting rid of my crew and replacing them with a bunch of 19 year old women in bikinis or less. The hope being that they would distract the competition. So I have two questions: first, do you think this is a good idea and second can you help me find a few new crew members?

Signed,
If nothing else, I'll be happy.

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

I have a question on naked wrestling rules.

When naked wrestling with your lover, it is allowable to head butt? And if the partner head butts, is it allowable to pull his armpit hair in retaliation?

The rule book I own states that head butting is not allowed.

Are there different naked wrestling rules for different part of the country?

~This answer will help clear up a long standing argument between my love and I.

 

[kendra1980]

part two

and as an addendum to the above question...as someone is now hollering that he does not head butt, let me define what I mean by head butt.

He drops his head and pushes me with it.

I call that a head butt, he calls it "using his head to block me."

I say they are the same thing, are they?

 

[lakesailer_mi]

and as an addendum to the above question...as someone is now hollering that he does not head butt, let me define what I mean by head butt.

He drops his head and pushes me with it.

I call that a head butt, he calls it "using his head to block me."

I say they are the same thing, are they?

I'm glad you clearified that...when I read "head" and "butt" my mind went somewhere else...

 

[NattyBumppo]

I'm glad you clearified that...when I read "head" and "butt" my mind went somewhere else...

On this site that's quite easy. I understand your confusion.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm considering a new strategy for my sailboat racing (seeing as how I've not gotten a decent start all season). I'm thinking of getting rid of my crew and replacing them with a bunch of 19 year old women in bikinis or less. The hope being that they would distract the competition. So I have two questions: first, do you think this is a good idea and second can you help me find a few new crew members?

Signed,
If nothing else, I'll be happy.

Dear all else has failed,

The start is a very important part of the race. Is your anchor dropped when the race starts. I am sure having to raise your anchor out of the water as everyone else is gone may make your starts a bit slower and you fall behind. SO that is just a tidbit of strategy from someone who is an expert sailor to a novice like yourself. So remember always always pull up your anchor if you want to actually move.

With that being said I would love to help you find some women to be apart of your crew. I think that would cause major distraction for the other boats and could be a major advantage for you. Here si what I am thinking. We go waif with these women. The smaller and lighter the better. Less weight on the ship mean you and I can get as fat as we want while they waste away while working their asses off.

Just like with sorority girls we can have them sign contracts and and mark them with sharpies in the areas they need to improve on. No women over 100lbs. I want them nipples and ribs. Calista Flockhart type of woman. Maybe we can recruit from Ethiopia or somewhere in that region. For the cost of a cup of coffee you can become a sailor.

I think with these two winning techniques if applied correctly will bolster your chances of winning.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Dear all else has failed,

The start is a very important part of the race. Is your anchor dropped when the race starts. I am sure having to raise your anchor out of the water as everyone else is gone may make your starts a bit slower and you fall behind. SO that is just a tidbit of strategy from someone who is an expert sailor to a novice like yourself. So remember always always pull up your anchor if you want to actually move.

With that being said I would love to help you find some women to be apart of your crew. I think that would cause major distraction for the other boats and could be a major advantage for you. Here si what I am thinking. We go waif with these women. The smaller and lighter the better. Less weight on the ship mean you and I can get as fat as we want while they waste away while working their asses off.

Just like with sorority girls we can have them sign contracts and and mark them with sharpies in the areas they need to improve on. No women over 100lbs. I want them nipples and ribs. Calista Flockhart type of woman. Maybe we can recruit from Ethiopia or somewhere in that region. For the cost of a cup of coffee you can become a sailor.

I think with these two winning techniques if applied correctly will bolster your chances of winning.

Dear Clowns,

Oh shit, you're supposed to pull the anchor up???? HELLLLLLLLLLL....

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I have a question on naked wrestling rules.

When naked wrestling with your lover, it is allowable to head butt? And if the partner head butts, is it allowable to pull his armpit hair in retaliation?

The rule book I own states that head butting is not allowed.

Are there different naked wrestling rules for different part of the country?

~This answer will help clear up a long standing argument between my love and I.

The INMF (International Naked Wrestling Federation) states that when it comes to the bedroom anything goes. Some women like to be headbutted. There is absolutely NO reason to ever pull a guy's armpit hair. You wanna know why? Because NO guy should have enough armpit hair down there to pull. Trim or shave that shit. No woman wants to see you without your shirt on and it look like you have Gary Coleman (may he RIP) in a headlock.

Listen if you cannot take a little headbutt then I suggest you wear protection. trojan has come out with a new condom that prevents headbutting. Just slide it over your head and down your neck. Make you you dont have it inside out due to the spermacide, that would be nasty.

So please understand and respect the rules. If you are going to don fishnets and thigh high boots and call yourself Special K and he is going to put on extra small umbros and a mesh tank top and call himself Naughty Nat then you should respect the rules. If you are going to go to walmart and buy a blow-up pool and when someone asks how many kids you have and you look at them like a deer in the headlights because you are planning on filling it up with ky and puppy dogs then maybe you should also buy a frame to house the INWF rules and put it on the kitchen wall.

Special K i thought you were better thn this. Having held the title belt for a long time now I never thoguht you would succumb to a headbutt. Sad to see.

 

[IhateClowns]

and as an addendum to the above question...as someone is now hollering that he does not head butt, let me define what I mean by head butt.

He drops his head and pushes me with it.

I call that a head butt, he calls it "using his head to block me."

I say they are the same thing, are they?

Dear confused,

If he is pulling you into his head then that is not a headbutt. When he sits on your face and you cause him to slam his head into the head board. That is a head butt. He is merely using all his means necessary to make sure he defends his armpit hair, nipple rings, and rescinded testicle to the bes of his ability.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,

I have a question on naked wrestling rules.

When naked wrestling with your lover, it is allowable to head butt? And if the partner head butts, is it allowable to pull his armpit hair in retaliation?

The rule book I own states that head butting is not allowed.

Are there different naked wrestling rules for different part of the country?

~This answer will help clear up a long standing argument between my love and I.

I too would like this answered. Most importantly about the armpit hair pulling

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Oh shit, you're supposed to pull the anchor up???? HELLLLLLLLLLL....

It is the details that helps you win the race LS. I was a cross country runner in highschool. We had this 200m race at the end of the season. The guy said on your marks get set and then a gun went off. I dove to the ground. I received 3rd degree burns because it was a very hot day and the track was scorching. My little running shorts were barely long enough to cover my moose knuckle. Had I been paying attention to the little things I wouldnt have burned my cock head.

 

[IhateClowns]

I too would like this answered. Most importantly about the armpit hair pulling

see above please

 

[NattyBumppo]

The INMF (International Naked Wrestling Federation) states that when it comes to the bedroom anything goes. Some women like to be headbutted. There is absolutely NO reason to ever pull a guy's armpit hair. You wanna know why? Because NO guy should have enough armpit hair down there to pull. Trim or shave that shit. No woman wants to see you without your shirt on and it look like you have Gary Coleman (may he RIP) in a headlock.

Listen if you cannot take a little headbutt then I suggest you wear protection. trojan has come out with a new condom that prevents headbutting. Just slide it over your head and down your neck. Make you you dont have it inside out due to the spermacide, that would be nasty.

So please understand and respect the rules. If you are going to don fishnets and thigh high boots and call yourself Special K and he is going to put on extra small umbros and a mesh tank top and call himself Naughty Nat then you should respect the rules. If you are going to go to walmart and buy a blow-up pool and when someone asks how many kids you have and you look at them like a deer in the headlights because you are planning on filling it up with ky and puppy dogs then maybe you should also buy a frame to house the INWF rules and put it on the kitchen wall.

Special K i thought you were better thn this. Having held the title belt for a long time now I never thoguht you would succumb to a headbutt. Sad to see.

Dear confused,

If he is pulling you into his head then that is not a headbutt. When he sits on your face and you cause him to slam his head into the head board. That is a head butt. He is merely using all his means necessary to make sure he defends his armpit hair, nipple rings, and rescinded testicle to the bes of his ability.

Dear Clowns,

Thank you.

 

[kendra1980]

The INMF (International Naked Wrestling Federation) states that when it comes to the bedroom anything goes. Some women like to be headbutted. There is absolutely NO reason to ever pull a guy's armpit hair. You wanna know why? Because NO guy should have enough armpit hair down there to pull. Trim or shave that shit. No woman wants to see you without your shirt on and it look like you have Gary Coleman (may he RIP) in a headlock.

Listen if you cannot take a little headbutt then I suggest you wear protection. trojan has come out with a new condom that prevents headbutting. Just slide it over your head and down your neck. Make you you dont have it inside out due to the spermacide, that would be nasty.

So please understand and respect the rules. If you are going to don fishnets and thigh high boots and call yourself Special K and he is going to put on extra small umbros and a mesh tank top and call himself Naughty Nat then you should respect the rules. If you are going to go to walmart and buy a blow-up pool and when someone asks how many kids you have and you look at them like a deer in the headlights because you are planning on filling it up with ky and puppy dogs then maybe you should also buy a frame to house the INWF rules and put it on the kitchen wall.

Special K i thought you were better thn this. Having held the title belt for a long time now I never thoguht you would succumb to a headbutt. Sad to see.

I thank you, great and mighty answer man.

My rule books states it a little differently and Nat argues (go figure, a lawyer that argues).

I would like to clarify one thing, however, I do not call myself Special K.

If a scant few choose to do so, I can't stop them...

and as for armpit hair, I prefer my men to have some body hair...just a quirk of mine.

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/6FqdMUcnB1g/0.jpg
Thought I'd include a nice shot Nat took of my belt (which I still retain...isn't that belt so glittery and pretty?)

Sigh...I appreciate the help. I'll amend my copy of the book...and take the head butting answer under advisement.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Dear over everything,

Yeah in today's economy you don't want to lose your job, however if you were to kill them you could go to jail where you would still get 3 square meals a day and a roof over your head. Then you can get rid of those annoying co-workers and start thinking of ways to smuggle in goods to sell to the other prisoners. Do you know how to braid hair by any chance? Every dateline I have seen regarding women in prison show a woman braiding another woman's hair. The woman getting her hair braided looks like she is in pain and kinda scowling, while the braider seems all happy and chipper. Seems like a nice time.

If you are not into murder or jail, then stop being so selfish, or I would just punch them in the face. Wouldn't that be cool. She sitting there jabbering on about her kids. How her lasagna turned out so delightful last night. How she islooking forward to the meeting that will keep you at work after hours. Just when you goes to say the next sentence you cold cock her. Lights out. Don't tell me that NONE of us have ever wished to do that.

Ok so for real. I would just tell her to shut the fuck up and she is boring you. I assume it is a she because well men don't babble (besides me) and we are far from boring creatures. just when we sense you are getting bored we fart, tell a dirty joke, or whip out our cocks and hope you are not horrified and call the police.

As for your boss, I would say you have to suck dick better so you can move up and become her boss. Well you can't suck her dick because well she doesn't have one, but you can suck her boss' because I know that he is a man. Start there and work your way up. I would invest in knee pads and wrinkle around the mouth cream.

If for some miraculous reason her boss is a female I would find another job.

Dear Clowns,

Thanks so much for your helpful advice. I do know how to braid hair (badly) so I decided to go ahead and punch my co-worker in his face. Yes, it's true, there is a man out there who babbles boringly. In fact, there are many. But I digress. Anyways, now that I've punched in his face, it's kind of late to suggest to him your suave techniques of farting or telling a dirty joke to keep things interesting. I DON'T want to see his cock so I won't bring that one up.

Oh, and punching my co-worker perked up my boss whose headache is now worse but she's sure not sullen anymore. She's kinda butch, though, and maybe she does have a dick, for all I know. Seems I will have to blow her (since she has no boss) if I want to get my job back after I serve time for the assault charge.

Again, thanks for your help.

Sincerely,
Over...at police booking

 

[LickYourNips]

I thank you, great and mighty answer man.

My rule books states it a little differently and Nat argues (go figure, a lawyer that argues).

I would like to clarify one thing, however, I do not call myself Special K.

If a scant few choose to do so, I can't stop them...

and as for armpit hair, I prefer my men to have some body hair...just a quirk of mine.

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/6FqdMUcnB1g/0.jpg
Thought I'd include a nice shot Nat took of my belt (which I still retain...isn't that belt so glittery and pretty?)

Sigh...I appreciate the help. I'll amend my copy of the book...and take the head butting answer under advisement.

You crack me up.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Thank you.

Of course. If you play by the rules you will always get my vote.

 

[IhateClowns]

I thank you, great and mighty answer man.

My rule books states it a little differently and Nat argues (go figure, a lawyer that argues).

I would like to clarify one thing, however, I do not call myself Special K.

If a scant few choose to do so, I can't stop them...

and as for armpit hair, I prefer my men to have some body hair...just a quirk of mine.

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/6FqdMUcnB1g/0.jpg
Thought I'd include a nice shot Nat took of my belt (which I still retain...isn't that belt so glittery and pretty?)

Sigh...I appreciate the help. I'll amend my copy of the book...and take the head butting answer under advisement.

Dear Under Advisement,

Hmmm not sure I like anyone taking my advice under advisement. The rules state clearly that headbutting is allowed. That is a lovely belt. Not sure how it became all glittery like that. The previous belt looked like this:

http://img805.imageshack.us/img805/8752/t35.jpg


Is there nothing that a woman won't bedazzle?