Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

For Catholics Only

For Catholics Only

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals & top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

 

[ga400us]

The economy is so bad that...

The economy is so bad that...


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. ~my favorite!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ..

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

 

[done_got_old]

redneck merry-go-round

 

[kayte]

Gotta love electrical engineer jokes!

Good afternoon {{{{ga}}}}} And being one of those I definitely love them.

 

[kayte]

Who says the Pope doesn't have a sense of humor! LOL

For Catholics Only

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals & top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

Marvelous {{{{{ga}}}}} I'm a Catholic too. And love those jokes as well!

 

[kayte]

The economy is so bad that...


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. ~my favorite!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ..

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Those are magnificent! I can't quite select just one. Thank you.

 

[kayte]

redneck merry-go-round

Good afternoon {{{{{DGO}}}}}}

That is absolutely hysterical! Thank you so much. Hope you are having a marvelous Monday.

 

[done_got_old]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[kayte]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

{{{{{DGO}}}}}} I love it!

 

[kayte]

Slightly warped....

1. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

4. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

6. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

7. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

8. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

9. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

10. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

[ga400us]

1. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

4. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

6. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

7. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

8. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

9. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

10. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Good afternoon kayte {{{{kayte}}}}. These are good, thanks for sharing!

 

[ga400us]

Bad day at Hallmark


*Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........*
**

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.*

I thought it was flat*


When I looked at the tire...*


I noticed your cat.*


Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*
Heard your wife left you,*

How upset you must be.*


But don't fret about it...*


She moved in with me.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*
Looking back over the years*


that we've been together,*
I can't help but wonder...*


'What the hell was I thinking?'*


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*
Congratulations on your wedding day!*


Too bad no one likes your husband.*
*
**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*

How could two people as beautiful as you*


Have such an ugly baby?*
*

**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*
I've always wanted to have*

someone to hold,*


someone to love.*


After having met you ..*


I've changed my mind.
*


-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
*
I*must admit,
you brought Religion into my life.*


I never believed in Hell
until I met you.*
*

*

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...*


That you're not here to ruin it for me.*
*

**

###################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.*

Before you go...*


Would you like to take this knife out of my back?*


You'll probably need it again.
*



******************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!*


(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
*



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.*


Almost Lifelike!*
*


**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,*

you always said you'd die for me.*


Now that we've broken up,*


I think it's time you kept your promise...
*



*/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .*


let's say we stop?
*



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you*


it's almost like you're here.
*



===================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.*


Did you ever find out who the father was?*
*



*%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
*

Your friends and I wanted to do*

something special for your birthday.*


So we're having you put to sleep.
*



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,*

and it spoiled your day.*


Look at the bright side,*


it's really good pay

 

[ga400us]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

 

[done_got_old]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

roflmbo

 

[kayte]

APHORISM:


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap..

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies !)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead...

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

 

[smoothdevil]

APHORISM:


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game." when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap..

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies !)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead...

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

SUUUUUPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers--a good one.....

This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --
just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad
cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went
today!'

 

[kayte]

1. My Wife ...

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God."
"She thinks you're God?" asks the first guy. "What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

2. Perception

An elderly couple was in church when the wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just cut a silent fart. What should I do?"
He replied, "Replace your hearing aid battery!"

3. Dr. Bimini Bob's Tips For Getting Through Life

A. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

B. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

C. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

D. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan!

 

[reachedme]

a precious little girlwalks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp
'Ethcuth me mthter do you keep widdle wabbits?
as the shopkeeper's heart melts he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and asks
'Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fawry bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?
she' in turn blushes rocks on her heals puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a quiet voice
'I don't fink my pet python gives a thit'

 

[ga400us]

Garage Door

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

[done_got_old]

1. My Wife ...

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a God."
"She thinks you're God?" asks the first guy. "What makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

2. Perception

An elderly couple was in church when the wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just cut a silent fart. What should I do?"
He replied, "Replace your hearing aid battery!"

3. Dr. Bimini Bob's Tips For Getting Through Life

A. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

B. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

C. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

D. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan!

these are great

 

[done_got_old]

Truck for Sale

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).


He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.


So I did.'

 

[kayte]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).


He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.


So I did.'

{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

That is great thank you!

 

[kayte]

The Lie-Detecting Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[done_got_old]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."