BDSM - Getting Started

[VelvetSin]

Hello Lit. I have enjoyed reading stories for some time, but finally have a question. Please point me elsewhere if I've placed this request in the wrong section.

My sweetheart mentioned a few times during our history that he used to be involved in the BDSM community. He directly mentioned an interest in reviving that in our bedroom, and hinted indirectly a few other times. I never have, but reading some of the stories has me intrigued and I'll admit to a certain thrill when he pulls my hair or gets a little rough. I would not consider any of that in the BDSM category, but the feeling it gives me, along with the look he gets when he does it, does make me curious to know and possibly try more. He never takes matters beyond that because he wants me to make the decision to push our current limits, and he is very considerate of some trust and intimacy issues I have related to a past event prior to and unrelated to him. That issue has not been a problem for us because of his patience and consideration, but I worry that I may agree and find myself in over my head.

I am curious and I trust him, but how does this sort of thing usually progress? Do you usually just dive in and hope for the best? Is there a "BDSM For Dummies" manual for easy consultation? I have looked through some of the information here, but it's a little overwhelming to find a starting point. I'd like to know what I'm getting into before I sign up.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Hello Lit. I have enjoyed reading stories for some time, but finally have a question. Please point me elsewhere if I've placed this request in the wrong section.

My sweetheart mentioned a few times during our history that he used to be involved in the BDSM community. He directly mentioned an interest in reviving that in our bedroom, and hinted indirectly a few other times. I never have, but reading some of the stories has me intrigued and I'll admit to a certain thrill when he pulls my hair or gets a little rough. I would not consider any of that in the BDSM category, but the feeling it gives me, along with the look he gets when he does it, does make me curious to know and possibly try more. He never takes matters beyond that because he wants me to make the decision to push our current limits, and he is very considerate of some trust and intimacy issues I have related to a past event prior to and unrelated to him. That issue has not been a problem for us because of his patience and consideration, but I worry that I may agree and find myself in over my head.

I am curious and I trust him, but how does this sort of thing usually progress? Do you usually just dive in and hope for the best? Is there a "BDSM For Dummies" manual for easy consultation? I have looked through some of the information here, but it's a little overwhelming to find a starting point. I'd like to know what I'm getting into before I sign up.

That exact feeling I've bolded there always pushes me to try harder, to do better, for him.

If you trust him, then trust his experience, and his respect for you. He's waiting for your ok, but you don't know what to give your ok to.

So, go googling for some checklists, look at them, and lump things into the 'yes please' 'hmmm, maybe' and 'fuck no' categories. Let him know, and have a look, and then ask to go exploring, slowly. Let him pick and choose from your list so that he can express his interests. And see what works.

 

[Black_Bunny]

In the "How To" section of Literotica (that is the fiction stories, not this discussion board) there are some stories designed for beginners - "A Beginner's Guide to Bondage", "A Beginner's Guide to Dominating her", "A Beginner's Guide to Spanking Her". I remember reading "A Beginner's Guide to Dominating her" when I was deciding if I wanted a BDSM relationship or not. It's an example of a simple scene, nothing extreme. Hope that helps

 

[VelvetSin]

Thank you for the responses. The three recommended links were very helpful and sounded sort of fun in theory.

I do plan to have a conversation with him once I know whether I'm really okay with it, but want to be certain in my own mind first. I do not want to give a green light only to realize it's not my "thing" or outside my comfort zone. He's been good to me and I want to return that, not disappoint him by opening the door only to slam it again due to a lack of understanding on my own part.

I guess I'll just ask my main question right out. Years ago, longer than should be a thought anymore, I was raped. The few relationships after that were difficult because my boyfriends would do something, not always the same thing, and without warning it would remind me of that. There wasn't much transition from "more please" to "get the fuck away from me right now." It was very embarrassing and caused awkward tension because he thought I did not trust him. It is difficult to explain but that isn't the case, and sorry if this is oversharing. I'm sure I sound insane now.

My sweetheart has never pushed whatever that panic button is and I have hopes that it's gone now, but my fear is that something like trying this will revive that. We have a good thing going and I do not want to see him through those eyes for even a second. How do you know where to set your limits if you don't know what or where those limits are?

 

[graceanne]

I'd also check out the bdsm library (in bdsm talk - it's stickied to the top). You could, if you have time, take a look at a checklist and figure out what sort of things twist your buttons; that way you'd know what to research specifically. You might also have your SO do the same, so you know what twists his buttons and then you can research that stuff and figure out if you like it, or not, and possibly prepare a treat for him.

Good luck. Welcome.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you for the responses. The three recommended links were very helpful and sounded sort of fun in theory.

I do plan to have a conversation with him once I know whether I'm really okay with it, but want to be certain in my own mind first. I do not want to give a green light only to realize it's not my "thing" or outside my comfort zone. He's been good to me and I want to return that, not disappoint him by opening the door only to slam it again due to a lack of understanding on my own part.

I guess I'll just ask my main question right out. Years ago, longer than should be a thought anymore, I was raped. The few relationships after that were difficult because my boyfriends would do something, not always the same thing, and without warning it would remind me of that. There wasn't much transition from "more please" to "get the fuck away from me right now." It was very embarrassing and caused awkward tension because he thought I did not trust him. It is difficult to explain but that isn't the case, and sorry if this is oversharing. I'm sure I sound insane now.

My sweetheart has never pushed whatever that panic button is and I have hopes that it's gone now, but my fear is that something like trying this will revive that. We have a good thing going and I do not want to see him through those eyes for even a second. How do you know where to set your limits if you don't know what or where those limits are?

That is a very difficult issue, and you do not sound insane at all, never worry about that! I know those panic reactions are very difficult to manage or explain.

Sometimes you can find workarounds.

One woman I played with along with her GF, could not bear to have her wrists confined, but loved bondage-- So, we tied her thumbs

We also put her in a rope harness that extended down her arms but stopped short of her wrists. We could immobilize her arms without triggering the panic reaction-- as long as we kept away from her wrists.

We always talked to her, reminding her that she was with us, and who we were.

Dunno if that helps, and if I recall more I'll post it to this thread...

 

[satindesire]

My sweetheart has never pushed whatever that panic button is and I have hopes that it's gone now, but my fear is that something like trying this will revive that. We have a good thing going and I do not want to see him through those eyes for even a second. How do you know where to set your limits if you don't know what or where those limits are?

In this case, the simple use of an agreed on "safeword" is very handy. Safewords are used in many BDSM relationships. A common method of assigning a 'safeword' is to use the "Traffic Light" system.

Green-means you're perfectly okay with him continuing whatever activity.

Yellow-means he needs to pause whatever activity and check on you. You may just need a drink of water, or a scratch on the nose, or you could need him to slow down or lighten up whatever activity. This is commonly used by subs to let their Dom know that a rope is too tight, or they need to go pee, or they're being hurt a little too much with say, a flogger or whatever. It means that whenever that certain problem is resolved, play can resume immediately after.

Red-ALL PLAY STOPS NOW, NO MATTER WHAT!

You need to promise each other that no matter what, the call of "red" will halt any and all activity so that no matter what situation arises, you can feel 100% safe knowing that if something happens to hurt you too much or scare you too much, you can stop it at anytime.

That way, you can explore your limits as you go. Almost no one truly knows what their upper limits are for BDSM play until they try and find them, so they employ techniques like the "safeword" in order to make sure they are not truly and permanently harmed in any physical and/or emotional way.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

* * * Stuff, stuff, stuff * * * (All good stuff, just bein' green and savin' some pixels! )

satin... How did you get so smart so young? Not just in this thread, but overall. You confound me with your maturity and wisdom and compassion (where it's merited) and ability to skewer the self-important and ignorant. I only wish I could have been somewhere *near* your level when I was your age...

 

[satindesire]

satin... How did you get so smart so young? Not just in this thread, but overall. You confound me with your maturity and wisdom and compassion (where it's merited) and ability to skewer the self-important and ignorant. I only wish I could have been somewhere *near* your level when I was your age...

You are such an angel, Sir Winston. Thank you so much. You truly flatter me and give me too much credit, I'm just passing on the same wise words that were given to me once.

As for my reputation for busting trolls, I don't know WHERE that came from.

I might steal your quote for my sigline. It was really sweet.

 

[VelvetSin]

Thank you again for the comments. I did find the library links and am slowly reading through them. There is a lot of information there and it will take some time. I did read about the safe words. While I hope it won't be needed, until I know what I'm doing I like the idea of having one there just in case.

Stella_Omega, thank you. In a strange way it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with an irrational panic button and that others have made it work. It definitely took some of the tension out of the decision. Thanks.

We went ahead and had that talk tonight before I lost my nerve and it went very well. He promised to go slow, I feel a lot better about it, and plans were made for a vacation soon to explore.

Thanks again.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank you again for the comments. I did find the library links and am slowly reading through them. There is a lot of information there and it will take some time. I did read about the safe words. While I hope it won't be needed, until I know what I'm doing I like the idea of having one there just in case.

Even after you've experimented and experienced things, take time frequently to browse through the Library. There's a whole lot of good stuff there. I've been doing WIIWD in some form or another for about 40 years, and I still go there, and I still learn things almost every day in Talk and in the Café.

Stella_Omega, thank you. In a strange way it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with an irrational panic button and that others have made it work. It definitely took some of the tension out of the decision. Thanks.

"Irrational" panic button? Nothing to do with the trauma of having been raped can be considered irrational! To call the fears engendered by that experience irrational takes the blame for another's actions upon yourself. Unless you *asked* him to rape you - and would that BE rape? - it was his decision, his action, and his blame... not yours. You're perfectly welcome to forgive him - it can help you deal with the experience, according to a lot of shrink-types - but don't take his faults as your own.

As for not being "the only one" with just about any given issue, that's just about a given. You might be the only one *you know,* but almost anything that can happen to a person has happened to others, and that includes psychological issues resulting from those experiences. Don't feel alone; you're not.

We went ahead and had that talk tonight before I lost my nerve and it went very well. He promised to go slow, I feel a lot better about it, and plans were made for a vacation soon to explore.

Thanks again.

While it's tempting sometimes - especially when we find we like the beginning stages of something - to rush ahead full steam, make sure *you* go slow, too. Don't push yourself, even if you feel there's further you could go in a particular session. Take the time to experience the occasion, to savor it, and to absorb it into your system before you jump into deeper water. That may help you avoid hitting your panic button issues.

Good luck to you, and feel free to ask more questions and keep us abreast of your progress.

Oh... and welcome to the Café!

 

[infinity706]

satin... How did you get so smart so young? Not just in this thread, but overall. You confound me with your maturity and wisdom and compassion (where it's merited) and ability to skewer the self-important and ignorant. I only wish I could have been somewhere *near* your level when I was your age...

I'd say at least part of it is the internet. There's just so much more access to information and opinions out there, that can be investigated in private, without having to sit at the library all day. The anonymous nature of the internet as well as easy access to people from anywhere in the world doesn't just crack barriers. It shatters them.

 

[FungiUg]

We went ahead and had that talk tonight before I lost my nerve and it went very well. He promised to go slow, I feel a lot better about it, and plans were made for a vacation soon to explore.

Nice. I have introduced several people to D/s now, and I haven't found a magic one-right-way to do it. I think the talking is key. Don't worry too much about limits to start with, you discover those as you go. The safewords are probably more important at this stage.

One thing I'd suggest you keep in mind: it's supposed to be fun! For both of you, of course. So don't be afraid to experiment and find the bits you both enjoy.

 

[VelvetSin]

Sir_Watson54, I'm sure the library will continue to be a great resource once there is a basis for it. It's just a lot of information to absorb all at once on a learning curve so I focused on the safety aspects for now but am leaving it at that. I don't want to dig too much until the vacation. Now that my SO and I had that talk, the rest seems like a Christmas present and though I want to know everything right now, I don't want to spoil the surprise. It might be moot too. We are going away for a few days to test it all out and if it doesn't work, we'll come back home and leave vacation things on vacation.

I may have misspoken when I said "irrational." It seemed irrational at the time, but I always knew where the panic came from. Either way, I rid myself of much of that emotional baggage through time and resources before today, and my question and concern mainly came from not reviving it. I understand the big difference between consentual and not, and just wanted to make sure that understanding does not fade "in the moment." He knows me, though, and I think we'll be okay.

Thank you for the comments. I'll probably have tons of questions in a few weeks, but I think I'm all set right now.

FungiUg, that's exactly what my SO said. I think we'll figure out how to spend our weekend wisely!

 

[DVS]

Sexuality.org is basically a good all round web site about all things sexual. And sexuality.org/l/bdsm is basically just a good web site for all things BDSM. You might find some answers there, too.

 

[Cinner]

I know that nobody was speaking to me but as a fellow newbie I found this informative and useful. Thank you everyone.

 

[NomadLady]

Thank you again for the comments. I did find the library links and am slowly reading through them. There is a lot of information there and it will take some time. I did read about the safe words. While I hope it won't be needed, until I know what I'm doing I like the idea of having one there just in case.

Stella_Omega, thank you. In a strange way it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with an irrational panic button and that others have made it work. It definitely took some of the tension out of the decision. Thanks.

We went ahead and had that talk tonight before I lost my nerve and it went very well. He promised to go slow, I feel a lot better about it, and plans were made for a vacation soon to explore.

Thanks again.

I don't believe there is such a thing as an "irrational" panic button. About six weeks ago at my regular yearly gyn check-up I got assigned to a rather "brutal" mammogram technician that almost had me in tears over the rough treatment she gave me...which is odd because I have a high tolerance for pain. It just so happened to bring back from really bad memories of an "almost rape" situation years ago so don't think you are alone here. What can be fun and erotic in an intimate situation with someone you care about isn't always so pleasureable at another time.