feedback me, seymour

[nerk]

My first story is up:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=485563

looking for comments, questions, constructive criticisms.

preemptive thanks

 

[jaxsteeples]

Nerk ,

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable if this had been set in contemporary society. However you evoke a very real sense of time and place. I loved the "feel' of the fur in cart and the sumptuous clothing the bride wore. There was a deep sensuality in this.

One fact that springs to mind is that geneticists claim the DNA of Attila The Hun can be found in most Europeans. If anyone doesn't believe this you can go Google it. So we are talking about a time when
brides were chosen with no courtship , as a man might go out and purchase a car today. So if we take those two things together were back to human nature. You can dress anyway you want, be rich, be kind and considerate but deep down woman wants alpha male. Now that might not sit comfortably with feminists but if you look at all the enduring and popular fiction on this theme and in this genre ,from Wuthering Heights to Twilight, (in fact from Giglamesh onwards) it is always about the attractions of the Alpha male.

You handle the story really well. Managed to convey sexuality with a minimum of description, but all the time your writing forms very clear images using the readers imagination rather than detailed prose. Which is exactly what I would expect from a poet. A plumb described well can tell reader more about what you sense and emotionally feel than ten thousand words of anatomical references. I really like that poem of yours as well.

 

[nerk]

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for your feedback. It is most encouraging. Interesting stuff about Attila, too.
I suppose he was just a romantic at heart.

 

[nerk]

I'm not just bumping this thread because I'm narcissistic and feel a strong need for more attention.

Though that it certainly true, I have other reasons.

1. I am hoping for a response addressing my questions about the voice of the piece. I shot for something that would feel a bit more like a story told around a campfire than my usual voice, and am curious if that came through at all. If so, was it intrusive? Should it be turned up?

2. The fucking. I'm pretty comfy using pretty basic language when I write about sex, but words like "cock" and "pussy" and "fuck" didn't quite seem to work in this story. At the same time, I didn't want to go overboard with "he drove his mighty weapon into her honeyed sheath" kind of stuff. I am curious, were there any words/phrases in the sex scene that stuck out as being out of place?

 

[Walin]

I don't like the content, but the package is well done. A complete vision, written well, and communicated effectively and interestingly. Good job!

 

[driphoney]

I'm not just bumping this thread because I'm narcissistic and feel a strong need for more attention.

Though that it certainly true, I have other reasons.

1. I am hoping for a response addressing my questions about the voice of the piece. I shot for something that would feel a bit more like a story told around a campfire than my usual voice, and am curious if that came through at all. If so, was it intrusive? Should it be turned up?

2. The fucking. I'm pretty comfy using pretty basic language when I write about sex, but words like "cock" and "pussy" and "fuck" didn't quite seem to work in this story. At the same time, I didn't want to go overboard with "he drove his mighty weapon into her honeyed sheath" kind of stuff. I am curious, were there any words/phrases in the sex scene that stuck out as being out of place?

That would be a very special campfire if the storyteller could do it as well as you've written this. And I think your erotic description was great. Wish I could do that.

I loved the unique setting, too.

 

[PacoFear]

I'm not just bumping this thread because I'm narcissistic and feel a strong need for more attention.

Though that it certainly true, I have other reasons.

1. I am hoping for a response addressing my questions about the voice of the piece. I shot for something that would feel a bit more like a story told around a campfire than my usual voice, and am curious if that came through at all. If so, was it intrusive? Should it be turned up?

I enjoyed the voice you used for this and thought it rang pretty true to what I'd expect to hear around a native/aboriginal campfire (or what Hollywood et al. has led me to believe I'd hear). I'd actually started reading this piece before and gave up because I didn't enjoy the voice. Once you explained, I went back for a re-read and liked it much more. I'd missed what you were shooting for stylistically on my first partial read. Not sure if anyone else would benefit too, but you might consider a short author's note explaining up front or concoct a (perhaps hokey) introduction from the narrator - "This is a story told among my people, the Merkit clan of the open steppes..."

2. The fucking. I'm pretty comfy using pretty basic language when I write about sex, but words like "cock" and "pussy" and "fuck" didn't quite seem to work in this story. At the same time, I didn't want to go overboard with "he drove his mighty weapon into her honeyed sheath" kind of stuff. I am curious, were there any words/phrases in the sex scene that stuck out as being out of place?

"The fucking" read fine to me.

Last thought: this is short enough and nifty enough that you might consider dropping it into the Story Discussion Circle for a bit more thoughtful feedback than what often gets delivered here.

Best,

-PF

 

[nerk]

I don't like the content, but the package is well done. A complete vision, written well, and communicated effectively and interestingly. Good job!

It's a given that some will not like the content of any story, really, but thanks for keeping an open mind and for the read

That would be a very special campfire if the storyteller could do it as well as you've written this. And I think your erotic description was great. Wish I could do that.

I loved the unique setting, too.

We got some articulate mothafuckas at our campfires, here in 12th century Mongolia. Thank you

I enjoyed the voice you used for this and thought it rang pretty true to what I'd expect to hear around a native/aboriginal campfire (or what Hollywood et al. has led me to believe I'd hear). I'd actually started reading this piece before and gave up because I didn't enjoy the voice. Once you explained, I went back for a re-read and liked it much more. I'd missed what you were shooting for stylistically on my first partial read. Not sure if anyone else would benefit too, but you might consider a short author's note explaining up front or concoct a (perhaps hokey) introduction from the narrator - "This is a story told among my people, the Merkit clan of the open steppes..."



"The fucking" read fine to me.

Last thought: this is short enough and nifty enough that you might consider dropping it into the Story Discussion Circle for a bit more thoughtful feedback than what often gets delivered here.

Best,

-PF

Nice .. I just read one of yours earlier (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=441179) and was amazed that you used the word callipygian, which is one of the world's oft-overlooked great words. And it was a good, fun, filthy story!

and thanks for your suggestions - the intro is definitely a good idea: if you were put off by the voice on a first read, that's no good. I can't run around telling everyone who reads it how it's supposed to read so if I start it a bit stronger, or frame it a la Heart of Darkness .. something to think on, anyway. As is the SDC.