Transcending Transsexualism

[HarlotMinx]

So, I'm going on my seventh year since I started hormones (started at 15) I'm pretty much hitting close to the limit or what my body is going to do and I stopped seeing my therapist about 3 years back. So I guess I'm decently far in my transition and actually fairly happy with myself and my life but I realize that I still have questions that I don't think I've ever fully addressed. I guess I'm looking for a bit of anonymous advice and a place to kind of address topics on my mind. I kind of got inspired to write some of my thoughts and questions here by GI and hope she doesn't mind me starting up my own thread.

Thank you all for any advice you have to contribute.

 

[HarlotMinx]

I guess my first issue, I've grown comfortable living my life as a female but never really figured how to interact with people as a transsexual. If that's confusing I guess what I'm saying is that socially I interact with people as..... well myself and people treat me as they would a female because that's how I appear to them but at some level of social interaction you kind of have to come out to people because while it shouldn't matter... it does. I guess I've been turning that problem over in my head a lot recently.

I mean obviously on a day to day basis just about everyone doesn't need to know but what about friends? Close friends? People you're intimate with? I think the last group I'm having the most trouble with because while I feel like if you have intentions of being intimate with someone you should be honest from the start but on the other hand It's a bit awkward walking around with some type of warning label on your forehead. This issue came up recently when a girl who identifies as a lesbian kissed me, afterward I confronted her about it and she felt as if there was deception on my part.... so that leads to not just who do you tell but when. This also came up when a man who was heavily hitting on me turned out to be homophobic in the extreme and turned violent when I came out to him (I wasn't hurt, but I think if I wasn't in a public space it could have been a issue).

I don't know, this probably sounds bad but I feel like it would be easier to have some feature that clearly labeled me as transsexual visually. There would be awkwardness but I wouldn't end up in situations where I have to disclose things. I guess, while many of you might say you'd personally be fine with a girl coming out to you as transsexual, what are your thoughts about other people who there isn't that level of guarantee of acceptance.

 

[HarlotMinx]

Oooh and some images because my last post seemed really depressing. Um.... ignore the sun burn, I was out all day under the sun when those were taken.
http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy120/Super_Moomoo/Ma%20vie/alli2.jpg

http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy120/Super_Moomoo/Ma%20vie/alli.jpg

 

[bigjohn69]

i think transsexuals are very hot. i love them

 

[BigDanRTW]

I can't really give you advice because I don't have any experience in that area, but I just wanted to say that you are really pretty.

 

[frogocite]

Oooh and some images because my last post seemed really depressing. Um.... ignore the sun burn, I was out all day under the sun when those were taken.
http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy120/Super_Moomoo/Ma%20vie/alli2.jpg

http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy120/Super_Moomoo/Ma%20vie/alli.jpg

As much as i think u feel that u need to catoragise urself, its what and who u feel not what just people are seeing u for. And they need to realide that, if they aren't willing to think for 2 sec's then chances are they are to self absorbed to think about anyone else no matter what the circumstances are

 

[A_Kefka]

I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't. I do think that what you are dealing with is common of anyone who is not what people expect from their appearance. I do wish you luck in figuring things out.

 

[mopromop]

I would say that if they don't accept you, they wouldn't be your true friends in the first place. I'm sure it must be difficult coming out to someone who you are interested in being intimate with; maybe you are taking the wrong approach. Id say to twist things a little and look for someone who is looking for the same, and have it be apart of the opening, rather than a hitch in the chain. Just my thoughts

 

[Somehowyou]

You look really pretty. I accept you. I guess thats not much but its a start. Be happy.

 

[HarlotMinx]

I would say that if they don't accept you, they wouldn't be your true friends in the first place. I'm sure it must be difficult coming out to someone who you are interested in being intimate with; maybe you are taking the wrong approach. Id say to twist things a little and look for someone who is looking for the same, and have it be apart of the opening, rather than a hitch in the chain. Just my thoughts

Unfortunately it kind of limits my selection and while it's a sound idea, and in practice (with men at least) I find that the people looking to meet transsexuals are normally doing so with he intention of sex. That and they tend to talk about it nonstop... I don't know, they end up more interested with your sexual anatomy than your personality.

Also... it's not that friends would reject me because I'm transsexual.... but realistically it does change how they view you and tends to inject uncomfortableness into the friendship. The most common thing I've heard is that they 'don't know how to treat me'. People who were at ease with me are suddenly afraid of offending me after knowing me for a year or more. Or they suddenly start slipping with 'he' even though they've always thought of me as she. To be honest I'm not bothered by the last thing because it's never been something that's riled my feathers but people become sooooo apologetic afterward that it's just uncomfortable. Sometimes, in trying to be PC people end up making a non issue a awkward situation and by trying to avoid something they draw attention to it. Not sure any of this is something I can do anything about really.

 

[Etoile]

Give me your haircolor information!!

And holy shit, I didn't realize what your age was. You are wise beyond your years, girl.

There is a difference between being a transwoman and being a "woman" woman. A friend of mine is 100% stealth, you would never in your LIFE know that she used to be male, and only her very closest friends know it. And then there's Alexis Arquette, who is loud and proud about being trans. To some extent, the type you are depends on how well you pass; some women are unfortunately never going to be able to hide their male background just because of their appearance. (FFS is hella expensive, I hear.) Someone who started hormones at 15, like you, is probably going to pass really well - everybody is different, but the younger someone starts, the more likely they will pass as an adult. So you have the option of being out as trans, or being stealth.

It sounds to me like you would be happier being stealth, but you keep coming out. (Smack me if I'm wrong.) Personally, I think only somebody who is going to have contact (visual, physical, etc) with your genitals needs to know. My reasoning behind this is that you are female. If a lesbian feels you've deceived her, that is HER problem - HER transphobia. Quite frankly, what's between your legs (I am assuming you are pre-SRS) has absolutely no bearing on who you are as a person, and if you're just making out, she has no need to know. Same for the homophobic guy - unless you were about to have sex, he doesn't need to know. (I realize transwomen have died this way, so it's not perfect. I think a way to avoid putting yourself in danger is to bring up any GLBT issue you like before you go home with a person, so you can gauge their reaction - if they're not okay with gay marriage (as an example), they probably won't be okay with trans stuff either.)

If you keep outing yourself as trans when you don't want to, you are denying who you are as a woman. BE female. When something incongruous with being female comes up - like having a penis - THEN broach the issue. But shoot, if you're in a bar or club or something, and you're having fun, don't tell the person until you're about to go home with them. They don't need to know before that.

However...all that said...I know how you feel. I wish people could tell I was a lesbian just by looking at me. I look totally heterosexual, and I don't like people assuming things like that. I want them to know that yes, there is a queer among them, we ARE everywhere! But I just go on looking like the straightest of the straight girls. (Actually, this is why I got the rainbow star tattoo on my ankle. Not so much to explicitly communicate it to others, but to tell myself that there is something about me that looks gay, that I'm not totally straight-looking, because people can see the tattoo.)

edit: wow, that got really long

 

[OzoneRed]

It's difficult (impossible) to believe that you're the only one with these issues. There have got to be discussion/support groups for people like yourself, both online/anonymous and face-to-face.

Get thee to Google and start searching. You Are Not Alone.

 

[Etoile]

It's difficult (impossible) to believe that you're the only one with these issues. There have got to be discussion/support groups for people like yourself, both online/anonymous and face-to-face.

Get thee to Google and start searching. You Are Not Alone.

Well of course she's not alone, but it's not like she can't ask here, you know?

 

[Wolfman1982]

HarlotMinx: I am normally not saying this at all to people, but wow you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever put my eyes upon. And I can recommend Gi_Venus as a great help with the transsexual stuff. Cause I know she is one smashing great woman. I just hope her and you can hit it off with each other(personality wise ).

Etoile: I like your avatar and it is great to see you around

 

[jemkinson]

Unfortunately it kind of limits my selection and while it's a sound idea, and in practice (with men at least) I find that the people looking to meet transsexuals are normally doing so with he intention of sex. That and they tend to talk about it nonstop... I don't know, they end up more interested with your sexual anatomy than your personality.

.

As a guy who is for some reason which I don’t quite understand is attracted to transsexuals, i to certain extent understand it must be quite insulting for men just to want you for being a transsexual and this is a major reason why I cant seem to take my attraction further and find someone. Because it would be purely for sex and I’m not that type of person or it would be worst they would be settling and resent me for purely being with her because she is a TS. Even though I wouldn’t because I would never be with someone I didn’t have things in common with, sex doesn’t last that long so what does one fill the void with. The only advice I can give don’t bring up the Israeli - Palestine conflicted after having sex with your Muslim GF because she will soon be your ex. The advice for your situation with men

1. Drugs
2. Booze
3. Or true love
4. And be prepared for heat break but that’s advice for everyone

With your friends that’s very difficult, read Aristotle’s work on friendship in the Nicomachean ethics. I’m not joking it may help you understand your relationship with each of your friends better and then you can decided how to go about with the friendship.
Oh love the pictures.

 

[Wolfman1982]

Hey I feel , I need to defend myself just a little bit. I gave out the compliment to HarlotMinx, as a compliment. But also she is one I would not care about , when it comes to equipment, cause I go for love, and not sex as the first thing. So what I said was a compliment with no nasty back thoughts, other than I complimented her beauty.

 

[haurni]

Dammit. I wrote a big long thing and my connection timed out and I lost it. Basically, I agree with Etoile.

You're a woman. Be yourself. If you start to get close to someone, sound them out, as Etoile suggested - you don't have to agree to a second date, after all. Bring up GLBT-related topics or wear a Pride button and see how they react (of course, in the latter case they'll probably think you're a lesbian...). Presumably, the people you would let get that close would share your views.

You either have to be in the closet until someone really gets to know you, in which case the 'readjustment' is inevitable, or you have to be out right from the start. In the extreme, the latter means identifying yourself as trans rather than female, because your conversations essentially begin with "Hi, I'm <insert name here> and I'm transgendered."

I don't envy you your situation, but unfortunately you can't escape the complications thereof unless and until you have surgery, if you plan to go that route. I wish you the best, though.

Oh, and nice pictures!

 

[HarlotMinx]

You're a woman. Be yourself. If you start to get close to someone, sound them out, as Etoile suggested - you don't have to agree to a second date, after all. Bring up GLBT-related topics or wear a Pride button and see how they react (of course, in the latter case they'll probably think you're a lesbian...). Presumably, the people you would let get that close would share your views.

There is a difference between being a transwoman and being a "woman" woman. A friend of mine is 100% stealth, you would never in your LIFE know that she used to be male, and only her very closest friends know it. And then there's Alexis Arquette, who is loud and proud about being trans. To some extent, the type you are depends on how well you pass; some women are unfortunately never going to be able to hide their male background just because of their appearance. (FFS is hella expensive, I hear.) Someone who started hormones at 15, like you, is probably going to pass really well - everybody is different, but the younger someone starts, the more likely they will pass as an adult. So you have the option of being out as trans, or being stealth.

Oookay so I've been on and off thinking about what you all have been saying throughout he day and a couple comments. I realize that I don't self identify as a female or a male so much as a individual who prefers living in the social and biological role as a female.... that sounds kind of complex and probably like I'm arguing fine points but follow with me. I kind of feel a bit odd when people identify as transsexual. I kind of feel that transsexualism is more about being more who you are as a person than what you are. It's always awkward because people who classify themselves as something tend to be limited by being defined by that classification. I know a lot of women who really are transsexual... I kind of feel like they're so caught up in what they are that it became secondary. I guess you could call me a female, or a transsexual, or a male based on your views and I would even entertain that all are correct to some part because are all a part of me but none really tell you anything about me.

So.... that said (and thank you if you read through that mess) I guess I don't feel the need to go stealth because I'm quite open about my life and I really don't view it as being born in the wrong gender so much as I see it a opportunity to grow into a more unique individual and a learning experience. I obviously don't feel the need to wave my transpride flag around but it's part of me and a part I'd like to be able to share.

..I think I digressed from my main point...

It sounds to me like you would be happier being stealth, but you keep coming out. (Smack me if I'm wrong.) Personally, I think only somebody who is going to have contact (visual, physical, etc) with your genitals needs to know. My reasoning behind this is that you are female. If a lesbian feels you've deceived her, that is HER problem - HER transphobia. Quite frankly, what's between your legs (I am assuming you are pre-SRS) has absolutely no bearing on who you are as a person, and if you're just making out, she has no need to know. Same for the homophobic guy - unless you were about to have sex, he doesn't need to know. (I realize transwomen have died this way, so it's not perfect. I think a way to avoid putting yourself in danger is to bring up any GLBT issue you like before you go home with a person, so you can gauge their reaction - if they're not okay with gay marriage (as an example), they probably won't be okay with trans stuff either.)

If you keep outing yourself as trans when you don't want to, you are denying who you are as a woman. BE female. When something incongruous with being female comes up - like having a penis - THEN broach the issue. But shoot, if you're in a bar or club or something, and you're having fun, don't tell the person until you're about to go home with them. They don't need to know before that.

It's more... if I'm looking for someone to seriously date I don't want to waste their time and mine by not being upfront with them about something that can so clearly be a show stopper... I guess I give up the opportunity of meeting someone who could like me and come to terms with my genitals but I also don't feel like spending time trying to go for that. I feel like on some level I shouldn't have to tell them, I mean plenty of people leave out things that could be showstoppers like religion, congenital diseases, arrest records. However it's come to my attention that having a penis is a bigger issue for most than something like being southern baptist (I'm still convinced they were either lying or really naive about southern baptists). So here's the thing, if I kiss someone, is that going to far without telling them? What if I'm asking them to a date with the expectation of it developing? I mean, it's not something I'm ashamed of though I recognize potential risks of coming out. I do like the idea of feeler topics to gauge them, I think I'll try that more with both my friendships and relationships.

Actually, this is why I got the rainbow star tattoo on my ankle. Not so much to explicitly communicate it to others, but to tell myself that there is something about me that looks gay, that I'm not totally straight-looking, because people can see the tattoo.)

I understand where you're coming from with that... though I think if I got a penis tattood on my back or something people might not get the right message. I've been considering for a while getting a daisy chain of women eating each other out in silhouette on my ankle or something... it's a tad crude but then so am I.... It'd make a hell of a statement.

Give me your haircolor information!!

I play a lot with various shades of red and different combinations of red, that one involved using dye for people with dark hair when you don't have dark hair. It was a perfectly normal hair dye but the hydrogen peroxide in the mix gave it a REALLY vibrant red. I tend to go from anything from blood red to bright pinkish red like that.

And holy shit, I didn't realize what your age was. You are wise beyond your years, girl.

Don't let me fool you, I'm still plenty ignorant. But really, I know lots of people with many more years under their belts who manage to show their foolishness at every opportunity, not really sure age has ever been a good measure of wisdom or intelligence for that matter.

edit: wow, that got really long

Well thought out posts usually are.

 

[HarlotMinx]

Looking back at this thread, I swear I wasn't posting pics to fish for compliments! Just I find it easier to put words and ideas to a face... makes it easier to relate to people on the internet.

 

[in4more]

Not that I have any experience in your situation, but most of these points are valid. It may take some work, but you'll find someone that wants to be with you because of you and not because of wanting to hook up. That's just like everyone else, but it may just take longer. It's all about who and where you hang out and what you're looking for.

For what it's worth, you're attractive and appear to be level headed. Most prople are looking for those qualities. I wouldn't be turned off if you admitted after a couple of dates about you being a TS. Some people might and that's cool--you probally don't want them around anyway. Just think of yourself as bringing something special to the relationship and if they're not good with that after meeting you and going out a few times and you telling them, tell them to take a walk.

Anyone can find a fuck buddy. You're a special person and deserve to be treated like one. Don't sell yourself short. And I'd give that last part of advice to anyone.

Hope that helps a bit.

 

[Etoile]

Found this while browsing...http://www.tsroadmap.com/sexuality/disclosure.html

 

[haurni]

Found this while browsing...http://www.tsroadmap.com/sexuality/disclosure.html

That sounds like pretty good advice. And, yeah... what I said about identifying yourself as trans. I think that eventually it fades into the background but it still lurks there.

 

[Wolfman1982]

Looking back at this thread, I swear I wasn't posting pics to fish for compliments! Just I find it easier to put words and ideas to a face... makes it easier to relate to people on the internet.

Hey Minxy, I just gave you the compliments . Since I meant them, and I do recommend Gi_Venus as a woman to talk to, about transsexual issues.

Oh by the way, in the past I have given Etolie some compliments, and I meant those too, since I am not out to flatter people. Since I prefer telling the truth.

 

[HarlotMinx]

Hey Minxy, I just gave you the compliments . Since I meant them, and I do recommend Gi_Venus as a woman to talk to, about transsexual issues.

Oh by the way, in the past I have given Etolie some compliments, and I meant those too, since I am not out to flatter people. Since I prefer telling the truth.

So what you're saying is you compliment Etoile more than me?!

 

[Wolfman1982]

So what you're saying is you compliment Etoile more than me?!

lol no I am just saying, that when I compliment people. Then I am telling the truth, without any hidden agenda. Except having good karma, but I do not see anything bad about taking care of karma too.