First attempt at erotica ever.

[ScarlettAria]

So this is my first attempt at erotica ever. It got approved so I guess it's good enough for other people to see in public, at least.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=485352

Please let me know what you think.

 

[teknight]

Wow! Hot story! I didn't see anything I didn't like (well, except for me not being there when it happened ).
I like how detailed you get in the exposition. Made me feel close enough to taste the action (no pun intended).
Keep it up.

 

[driphoney]

You want feedback, but you have public comments turned off.

For some dumb reason I kept waiting to see why Scarlett's shoulders ached.

I think teknight is more your target market than I am, so I read it a bit differently than he did. I have read a couple lesbian pieces that have gotten to me, but by-and-large it doesn't as I don't particularly crave the female form. So, take my comments with a heavy dose of salt.

And as teknight is your market and I'm not, maybe this is actually a plus, but for me, I hate to realize that the fiction I'm reading isn't. Your Lit name and your character names are the same. So this appears to be a written out scene from your real life. There's no problem in doing that, but for some reason I just want to feel like I'm reading fiction. I don't know why that is. I'm wanting to suspend reality maybe? *shrug* If you move away from your Lit name into fictional names, you won't alienate any readers. Both those who love the vicarious feel of it and those who are put off will read and enjoy.

I had trouble following the movements of your characters and kept going back and re-reading thinking, "How is teknight getting this and I'm lost? Maybe I should give up reading before that first cup of morning coffee!" I'll just pick out 2 or 3 paragraphs and try to 'splain it.

"Hey, love." Aria smiled and came towards Scarlett, her hips moving rhythmically from side to side as she approached. Her eyes playfully examined her girlfriend's black pinstripe collared shirt, contrasting the girl's mocha colored skin. Aria's skin tingled with the thought of being held in Scarlett's long, lean arms, her long fingers moving across her skin. Her smile grew as she traced the girl's distressed jeans up her long, slender legs, curving perfectly around Scarlett's well toned ass. Desire swelled in her chest.

I couldn't figure out how her eyes could see her well toned ass when she was in front of her. Aria's smiling and looking, Scarlett has long, lean arms and long fingers moving across Aria's skin. I thought I was tracking until I got to her ass, then I decided I missed something and backtracked, decided it was Aria's arms and that I had misread, backtracked again ... was there physical contact here that I missed and then her own (Aria's) hands traced those jeans? But no ... the next paragraph has Scarlett "reaching out."

Scarlett's eyes stared [acted] straight down at Aria's breasts as her fingers came around the hem of her shirt and lifted the fabric. Her [Scarlett's] skin burned with desire for her girlfriend. Aria stretched her hands up and let the shirt slide from her body to reveal her bare breasts underneath. Scarlett slid her hands up the sides of Aria's body, fingers tracing her rib cage. Aria sighed as Scarlett's lips brushed the elegant curve of her neck. She [WHO???] danced her fingers up Scarlett's shirt, making circles on her back. Scarlett brought her hands down to Aria's thighs, following the curve of her legs and kissing up her stomach. Moving her [Scarletts] hands towards Aria's hips, Scarlett hefted the thin girl onto the counter, leaning forward to kiss her collar bone. Aria gasped.

Boy have I done this sort of thing in my own writing. Actions and reactions. Who's doing the main action here? You are hopping back and forth between the actions of both characters in one paragraph. They each need their own paragraphs. When you wrote, "She danced her fingers up Scarlett's shirt . . ." you switched POV and needed a new paragraph and to let the reader know we're tracking with another girl now. But then you go back to Scarlett. A way to solve this--since we are primarily tracking with Scarlett--is to tell it from Scarlett's POV when Aria touches her back, like this:

Scarlett felt the younger girl's fingers dance up her shirt, making circles on her back.​

This type of thing is just to keep doofus's like me straight on who is who. You should go over all your paragraphs and see if you're switching mid-paragraph.

There's also this one (and I have typos in posted chapters that would mortify you, so I'm not picking here!) mistake:

Scarlett wrapped stretched her arm around Aria's waist, pulling the girl tightly into her chest as she fingered her even harder.​

The dialogue felt a little randomly thrown in. Maybe there needed to be a bit more of it before Scarlett tells Aria to be quiet? I'm not sure. You could flesh out the characters more and give them some depth with just a little more, I think. I did like the last dialogue line a lot.

I hope this wasn't too convoluted and confusing and that it helps a little.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Scarlett, hi and welcome. Feels great doesn't it to finally have a story posted?

For me, you write very well but this is just a scene/vignette. The two girls meet at home and have a romantic/erotic liaison. There are zillions of those (but not so well written as yours) on Lit and you need to get a bit of tension, character development even plot, to get us involved with the characters - to want something to happen.

It can be very simple. Perhaps Scarlett is scared coming home because they had a row in the morning and she is nervous of the reception she'll get. Anything, but some tension and more description of the girls' inner feelings would get us rooting for a coming together.

The sex scene is good but you could use the senses more - smell, sight, sound - and not give so much action commentary.

P.S. To add, I think Drip is a tad negative but she gets some good points across.

Watch your adverbs, they are wriggly things to be avoided in fiction. Also, Net writing with it's rolling screens and backlit presentation, needs short paragraphs. For me, about six, but I think eight lines is max - size matters!

A few points;

A long, flowing skirt danced around her delicate legs as she cleaned. Her silk blouse danced around her shoulders.

Her eyes playfully examined her girlfriend's black pinstripe collared shirt. . .

Scarlett wrapped stretched her arm around Aria's waist,

I think you have started really well and have a great style. The next step is more plot/story and then you'll be flying.

Post links to your next stories here.

Elle

 

[driphoney]

P.S. To add, I think Drip is a tad negative but she gets some good points across.
Elle

And for that, I'm sorry. Blame it on lack of coffee and the fact I often do a piss-poor job of explaining things.

My main point was that I was just a little confused and it probably was just me.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Well, I think my two esteemed colleagues have pretty said it all. As Elle mentioned, it felt more like a scene than a story.

For your first attempt at erotica, it was very good.

Strunk and White, in the classic The Elements of Style tell us not to overwrite. They say that rich and ornate prose is difficult to digest. Be descriptive, but don't overdo it.

Welcome, and I hope we see more of your work in the future.

 

[ScarlettAria]

Your Lit name and your character names are the same. So this appears to be a written out scene from your real life.

Actually I just couldn't think of character names, haha. I'm a virgin. And I forgot I checked no public comments. My bad...thanks for the in depth suggestions. I'm not good with character on character interactions, haha. I was afraid of using their names TOO much.

Scarlett's shoulders ached from work. I thought I wrote in a massage scene but maybe I'm wrong. I started getting a little lost here and there. Sex is difficult to visualize specifically still...

@elle & moon

I'll try to flesh it out more next time. Thanks for the suggestions. Moon, did you think it was too descriptive, then?

 

[D_K_Moon]

@elle & moon

I'll try to flesh it out more next time. Thanks for the suggestions. Moon, did you think it was too descriptive, then?

I think in places you got pretty frisky with your descriptions, you could have back off a bit. There were a few spots where you doubled up on your adjectives. toned, tanned navel little things like that.

Overall, your writing was good, especially for a first attempt. And like Elle said, we'd like to see something with a bit more plot from you.

 

[PacoFear]

*clap clap*

Howdy Scarlett,

You've already had some thoughtful feedback, but I'll chime in too 'cause that's what we do in these parts.

For starters, welcome to the Lit party! I thought your first offering was a very sweet, fun and playful scene. You've crafted some genuine intimacy between the two women.

The nice folks above have already touched on some ideas for improvement. (Go drip and e_o! ). I thought I might make some dialogue suggestions. For my money, nothing grabs readers or expresses a relationship as well as good talkity-talk. I'll run through your first few dialogue bits and throw some comments and suggested tweaks (in italics) at you.

"Hey, love."
Kudos, you hurdled the first pitfall by having Aria greet Scarlett casually. It would have been beyond odd if she'd said, "Hello, Scarlett." Still, I think you missed out on an opportunity. One of the best ways to convey the intimacy two characters share is to have them pick-up on things about their partner. You've said that Scarlett's shoulders ache. Presumably she's had a rough day at work. A lover of the type you're shaping Aria into would notice.

PF suggestion:"Hey, love." She smiled sympathetically. "Long day at the office huh?"

Better, Aria would be familiar with the pitfalss of Scarlett's job after hundreds of little conversations they'd have shared and Aria might hazard a guess.

PF suggestion:"Hey, love." She smiled sympathetically. "Cranky clients today?"

Because Scarlett's not keen on talking she might respond with a terse "kinda" or just nod and sigh.

"I love it when you hold me like this, Scarlett."
I'm not a big fan of using a character's full name in intimate moments. Feels a bit stilted to me. The peril of the name you picked, Scarlett, is that it has the very unromantic nick of "Scar." How about "Scarlie"? And when two people who care about each other are separated for awhile, they often point out that the distance was felt.

PF suggestion:"I missed you today, Scarlie. Missed this. The holding, I mean."

"How was work, Scarlett?"/"Take your shirt off."
This was an abrupt exchange but I gather it was intentionally so. Apparently Scarlett isn't in the mood for talking.

PF suggestion:Her usually chatty lover's silence was unusual. "You really did have a crummy day, huh?" The corner of Aria's mouth hitched up and she toyed with the hair at the back of her girlfriend's neck. "Anything I can do to–"

"Take off your shirt."

"Heh, so it's like that is it?"

"I made pasta," she breathed.
This comment comes from nowhere and so seems a tad random. When/if you need to do that, it helps the reader if you acknowledge it by saying that your character is "blurting" it. Also, with a smidge more context, it might make more sense and heap more intimacy into the thing.

PF suggestion:"I made pasta for dinner. Your favorite," she blurted weakly, remembering the simmering pot, already getting lost in the unexpected but welcome hunger of Scarlett's mouth.

And because a bit of sassy banter is sexy, Scarlett might reply with:

PF suggestion:"Mmmm, and you're my appetizer."

"No more talking, baby girl."
Love this as a concept but I think you need to have Scarlett actually interrupting Aria's attempt to talk. It makes more sense that way.

PF suggestion:"Sure you don't want to move this to a bed?"

"Shhhh, no more talking, baby girl."

Just a few thoughts, feel free to ignore some or all of 'em as you see fit. This is your story after all and I really do think it was a fine first effort. Welcome to the smutty writer's guild. Your card's coming in the mail. Xp

Best,

-PF

 

[D_K_Moon]

You want feedback, but you have public comments turned off.

I think there's a big difference between getting feedback here, and public comments.

 

[driphoney]

Wow! Hot story! I didn't see anything I didn't like (well, except for me not being there when it happened ).
I like how detailed you get in the exposition. Made me feel close enough to taste the action (no pun intended).
Keep it up.

I think there's a big difference between getting feedback here, and public comments.

Sometimes.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Sometimes.

Point for Ms. Honey!

 

[D_K_Moon]

Double post...sheesh...

 

[Cold_Eyes]

I think everyone else has touched on a lot of the specifics as well as the main point: This is not a story. That's the main thing to take away. When it comes to plot on Lit, the question many writers have to answer is "Why?" I.e., why are they screwing? You already have your answer here as they're in a relationship, so then the question becomes "Why is this one time more important than the rest?"

Now that that's out of the way -- I liked everything else about the story. Your style is smooth and flows well, especially for a first attempt. You can write. Now just write about something. I'd definitely read it.

Also, I have to disagree with PF about the name. I think Scarlett's fine without a diminutive. It's only two syllables. Scarlie still sounds silly to me. If you still wanted a nickname, maybe Carlie or Letty?

 

[teknight]

Learning curves

...I guess I didn't fully realize what the request entailed, but thank you, posters for being very detailed in your comments. I'll know better from now on?

 

[D_K_Moon]

Also, I have to disagree with PF about the name. I think Scarlett's fine without a diminutive. It's only two syllables. Scarlie still sounds silly to me. If you still wanted a nickname, maybe Carlie or Letty?

I like the name Scarlett, I'm in agreement with you on this. I don't think a diminutive is necessary.

 

[ScarlettAria]

@PF

Thanks for the suggestions. I definitely get what you're describing. I'll try to be a little more contextual next time. ^_^

@everybody.

Got it, write a story, haha. You think I'd be good at that since I don't generally write random sex scenes

About the names...if I had to base Scarlett somewhat on myself, she'd really hate being called "Scarlie" haha. I like pet names, though, so maybe I'll mess around with those.

 

[PacoFear]

Drat. No one likes "Scarlie." Fine, fine, I'm out-voted.

Cold's suggestion of "Lettie" made me jump to "Letters" as a diminutive, which might have the benefit of being a quirky literary allusion from Aria too - Scarlett Letters?

Anyone like that one better?

Aw hell, maybe I'm a tad too hung up on these things.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Drat. No one likes "Scarlie." Fine, fine, I'm out-voted.

Cold's suggestion of "Lettie" made me jump to "Letters" as a diminutive, which might have the benefit of being a quirky literary allusion from Aria too - Scarlett Letters?

Anyone like that one better?

Aw hell, maybe I'm a tad too hung up on these things.

I like Carly or Carlie, I suppose one could use that, or perhaps a middle name. Lettie sounds rather frumpy.

 

[driphoney]

...I guess I didn't fully realize what the request entailed, but thank you, posters for being very detailed in your comments. I'll know better from now on?

<hug>

It's not always this bad. Promise.

(We mean well.)


You can name your characters anything you want! You can take or throw out any of this free advice. And here's something to always keep in mind: you know about opinions and assholes, right? It's your story. Yours.