An expert eye needed for cohesion

[Peccato]

Hi,

I am currently writing a story about a young boy, who starts out being an insecure and innocent wimp and through his adventures with another guy, he becomes a stronger man. I am using an actor by the name of Jared Padalecki and the tv character Dean Winchester.

It sounds perhaps cliched, but there is a plot twist. I sent the beginning to some proof readers and they hated it. I mean they really hated it. They are complaining about cohesion of the story. It sounds jarred and disjointed and its not coming together.

Unfortunately, I don't see it at all. It sounds logical to me and fluent. I am not finished with it, but I am hoping someone with an expert eye to take a closer look at it and give me some pointers. Point out where it is going wrong and help me better construct my storyline.

First thing, it is Gay male but no sex scenes are written yet. I am trying to write a car chase scene and there I feel I am lacking in experience and knowledge.

Please, let me know if you can take a peek at it?? Would love some Feedback like crack cocaine!
(I'm kidding, but you get where I am coming from.)

Peccato

 

[sr71plt]

Hi,

I am currently writing a story about a young boy, who starts out being an insecure and innocent wimp and through his adventures with another guy, he becomes a stronger man. I am using an actor by the name of Jared Padalecki and the tv character Dean Winchester.

It sounds perhaps cliched, but there is a plot twist. I sent the beginning to some proof readers and they hated it. I mean they really hated it. They are complaining about cohesion of the story. It sounds jarred and disjointed and its not coming together.

Unfortunately, I don't see it at all. It sounds logical to me and fluent. I am not finished with it, but I am hoping someone with an expert eye to take a closer look at it and give me some pointers. Point out where it is going wrong and help me better construct my storyline.

First thing, it is Gay male but no sex scenes are written yet. I am trying to write a car chase scene and there I feel I am lacking in experience and knowledge.

Please, let me know if you can take a peek at it?? Would love some Feedback like crack cocaine!
(I'm kidding, but you get where I am coming from.)

Peccato

Well, gee, when you do have the sex scenes in it, PM me.

 

[Peccato]

your mean....

There is some kissing???

 

[glynndah]

your mean....

There is some kissing???

You wrote it and you don't know if there's some kissing?

 

[Peccato]

There is kissing, but I don't know if that will satisfy him?? But don't worry there will be more sex when someone helps me with my car chase scene... ;-}

 

[sr71plt]

Sex DURING a car chase? So much for being worried about using a cell phone while driving.

 

[driphoney]

Sex DURING a car chase? So much for being worried about using a cell phone while driving.

Hey, you always say to look for a hook. Gotta admit it would be an interesting scene to pull off.

 

[sr71plt]

Hey, you always say to look for a hook. Gotta admit it would be an interesting scene to pull off.

It would also be a plausible excuse when the cops showed up after the accident.

 

[Peccato]

No need the cops are the ones who are chasing after them, but no sex scene during the car chase. We gotta be a bit realistic here. I need to know about exhaust and gear changes and engines revving and that kinda of stuff.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I find stories involving celebrities kind of wiggins-worthy because I always get all spazzed thinking about the actual person reading them and really, it's one thing to have fantasies, but kind of another to share it with the whole wide world whilst making assumptions about how another person would behave in a certain situation and how the person in question would feel about it (flattered? stalked?) that I can't enjoy the story, but hey, whatever cranks your tractor. Oddly enough, fanfic doesn't bother me, though I know that one particular actor in a cop-buddy type canceled tv show likes to poke at the other actor because he always gets to top and the other actor usually doesn't. My mind is very weird. [/pointless tangent]

That said, I'm wildly interested in the cohesion thing and Wincest doesn't bug me, and seriously, big guy, Jared & Dean? Still Wincest. I'd like to know what these people mean by cohesion.

 

[driphoney]

No need the cops are the ones who are chasing after them, but no sex scene during the car chase. We gotta be a bit realistic here. I need to know about exhaust and gear changes and engines revving and that kinda of stuff.

Damn. I had this whole thing worked out where they both orgasm as the car falls Hollywood style off the edge of a cliff and then the story ends with the same Hollywood style exploding fireball at the bottom.

The End.​

But then, I already have something like that started. I think I was told it was just a bit implausible and that's when I stopped writing.

 

[Peccato]

I find stories involving celebrities kind of wiggins-worthy because I always get all spazzed thinking about the actual person reading them and really, it's one thing to have fantasies, but kind of another to share it with the whole wide world whilst making assumptions about how another person would behave in a certain situation and how the person in question would feel about it (flattered? stalked?) that I can't enjoy the story, but hey, whatever cranks your tractor. Oddly enough, fanfic doesn't bother me, though I know that one particular actor in a cop-buddy type canceled tv show likes to poke at the other actor because he always gets to top and the other actor usually doesn't. My mind is very weird. [/pointless tangent]

That said, I'm wildly interested in the cohesion thing and Wincest doesn't bug me, and seriously, big guy, Jared & Dean? Still Wincest. I'd like to know what these people mean by cohesion.

I have proof readers saying that the story doesn't flow well. It sounds jaunty? Like there is no connection to one paragragh with the other. As if I am just jotting down idea's instead of writing a story. Which makes it hard for them to get into the story.

I will be posting the first 1000 words in my next thread to give you an idea...

 

[Peccato]

Here is the beginning of the story...

Be easy on me guys!! This is just a draft since I am not finished writing the story itself!!

The sweat began to trickle down his back and he felt like taking a shower. The day was warm with a mild breeze, but after having to run a full mile and a half at top speed, he needed a nice, cold, refreshing shower. Just the thought of the cold water blasting his hot face and wiping away the sweat and grime of the day, made him slowed to a jog.

The rhythmic ‘whap-whap’ sound of his large feet on the pavement was slowed by a fraction and the change in pace was instantly soothing. The stitch in his side was less and his feet felt immediately, better. He slowed some more and he started to smile as his body caught up to the pain, he has been ignoring, during his run. He doubled over and heaved as he tried to ease out the pain. His unruly bangs began to dangle wetly, before his eyes and he wiped his forehead roughly with his thick sleeve.

The added wetness dampened the thick material and his skin recoiled from the extra moisture. He was about to catch his breath and sit down, when he remembered, why he was running down the street, like a maniac, in the first place.

The thought was enough for him to pick up his pace, while he gulped considerable amounts of air for his burning longs. He had roughly about 5 minutes, he reckoned, to get to the bus stop, otherwise he would be late for school. Then he could kiss his good efforts good bye and say hello to hard work and manual labor for the rest of summer.

One year… just one year of good behavior and grades was all it took, as a bargaining chip, to convince his dad to buy the sweetest and hottest ride, he had ever seen in his whole life. The car was black, sle0ek and was a classic. He can just picture himself riding the muscle car in front of school and Sandy McCoy would be staring at him with wide eye wonder.

Which he hoped, would lead to, the hottest chic wanting to be seen in the coolest car around.
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t up to her standards and she would be using him, but he could care less. If he didn’t get to stick his hands down her pants, he would surely get to stick them down someone else’s. Hopefully, one, with a lot more package, like say a nice uncircumcised 7 inch cock with a heavy set of balls attached to it.

Either way, he saw it as a win-win situation. The car was sure to attract girls and boys alike and he wasn’t about to get picky on the sex. He turned 18 about a week ago and started to get a sizable allowance, not to mention, the graduation money, that was promised to him and he was graduating top of his class which meant added bonus!

Dammit, this summer was ‘the’ summer. The one where he was legal to operate a motor vehicle, buy alcoholic beverages and loose his fucking virginity, either by a man or woman. See the thing is his virginity had to be gone by the end of this summer, before he goes to college. And in his opinion it would all be thanks to one fantastic car.

The idea of still being a virgin at the age of 18 gave him the extra boost he needed and he was now running at a sprint. The extra motivation didn’t help his speed even as he saw the bus drove by, down the corner.

“No… no… no… No!” He yelled, rounding the curved edge.

His feet pumped and his muscles stretched and tugged to take him to the bus stop about 20 feet away, he presumed. His hair flapped around him, his hands clenched and unclenched and his thighs burned. He had nearly fallen as he rounded the corner, his backpack toppling from his shoulders. Hurriedly, he shifted the heavy package on his back as he tried to get his feet under him and run after the bus.

When he got close enough, he banged his fists on its side and yelled for it to stop. He ran along the side walk, desperately trying to get the driver’s attention, waving his hands and shouting. He saw people watching him with the ‘too bad for you’, ‘sucks, maybe next time’ and ‘whatever, man’ faces as they stared back at him. One by one, they passed him by with their blank stares and lopsided grins.

“Hey…! Stop the bus…! I need to get on it…! Come on…!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, his fists banging the heated metal.

The gas fumes rolled up into the air and he inhaled them, sharply. His oxygen deprived lungs had taken him only so far, before they gave out. Immediately, he started coughing as he tried to expel the noxious fumes from his spasming lungs. Reluctantly, he stopped his yelling, he stopped his banging and he had definitely stopped his running.

The bus kept on going as no one stopped the driver, no one stood at the bus stop to be picked up and no one to be dropped off. The bus stop was deserted of passengers, but not empty of persons. He took a long look at the back of the bus. The advertisement waving at him, the tail lights winking back and the dark roll of gas plumes clouded his vision.

Angrily, he swiped his bangs off his forehead, bended over and wheezed. He looked on, in shocked disbelief, as the bus drove away.

There goes his second chance to making it to school on time. His bike was stolen, his wallet was missing and he had just missed his bus.

Fuck…

He shook his head and groaned internally. He was still bowed at the waist, his hands on his hips and his lungs desperate to breathe for him. He couldn’t believe his crappy luck or misfortunes. His last day to arrive at school on time and have the summer he always wanted, literally drove away before his eyes.

Shit! Now, how was he supposed to reach his school on time?

 

[sr71plt]

Looks good. As I said, if you want a read when it's completely done (assuming it isn't humongous), you can PM me for one.

Are you writing this in American or British style? If American, the first level of quotes is always double. You start with single in this three or four times.

 

[Peccato]

I think it is going to be humongous...

So, far I am at chapter 4 and it is in total about 14 pages long. Not to mention, I am a little over the beginning or rather to the end of the beginning. The plot has almost been set up and I haven't reach to where it starts to unfold.

That is why I figured if someone can point out what my proof readers meant that it is not solid or well flowing before it becomes alot or to much and then no one wants to touch the thing. Atleast nip it in the bud before it becomes an overbearing pain in the @$$ to rewrite or edit.

Put I will hold you to your promise and maybe it might not be that much after all... 'hehehehe'

Especially, when there is a sex scene in it...*wink*

 

[sr71plt]

Put I will hold you to your promise and maybe it might not be that much after all... 'hehehehe'

Especially, when there is a sex scene in it...*wink*

I don't read (or edit) fiction that isn't completed. Even the beginning should be pointing at the end--and nothing should be in the beginning that doesn't serve the end--so I don't get into it until its drafted and polished and trimmed by the author. Sounds like it's going to be quite long. So take your time. I'm swamped for the foreseeable future anyway.

 

[driphoney]

So, far I am at chapter 4 and it is in total about 14 pages long. Not to mention, I am a little over the beginning or rather to the end of the beginning. The plot has almost been set up and I haven't reach to where it starts to unfold.

That is why I figured if someone can point out what my proof readers meant that it is not solid or well flowing before it becomes alot or to much and then no one wants to touch the thing. Atleast nip it in the bud before it becomes an overbearing pain in the @$$ to rewrite or edit.

Put I will hold you to your promise and maybe it might not be that much after all... 'hehehehe'

Especially, when there is a sex scene in it...*wink*

I'm just nosey here. Fourteen Lit pages? Or Fourteen Word doc pages?

 

[Peccato]

It's growing...

Yeah, we hit 19 pages two nights ago. I am the 20,000 mark already. And yes we are talking about word document here.

That was why I was hoping someone could give me tips or pointers, from now. Before, the size of it becomes unattractive. I can only imagine what it must be like having to read or edit a story that is disjointed or jarring to the senses.

 

[Onoz]

Well off the top of my head I'm assuming what your other critics meant by the lack of cohesion is in part due to a couple of places where you could have put two paragraphs together instead of splitting them and in part due to some awkward grammatical mistakes. Simple stuff and nothing that should make anyone hate your writing. Especially not if (and I'm assuming this based on your location being Holland) English is not your first language. A few commas that aren't needed would make it flow a bit better, a couple of places where the paragraphs could be seamed together.

I am however a little confused in the opening paragraphs. If he's going to school in the beginning of the day, why would he be thinking about a shower to wash away the "sweat and grime of the day"? There are a few errors like this riddled throughout, a few technical errors, and a few points where it loses a little cohesion but can easily be repaired with a sentence or two. Something like this:

One year… just one year of good behavior and grades was all it took, as a bargaining chip, to convince his dad to buy the sweetest and hottest ride, he had ever seen in his whole life. The car was black, sle0ek and was a classic. He can just picture himself riding the muscle car in front of school and Sandy McCoy would be staring at him with wide eye wonder.

Which he hoped, would lead to, the hottest chic wanting to be seen in the coolest car around.
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t up to her standards and she would be using him, but he could care less. If he didn’t get to stick his hands down her pants, he would surely get to stick them down someone else’s. Hopefully, one, with a lot more package, like say a nice uncircumcised 7 inch cock with a heavy set of balls attached to it.

should become more like:

One year… just one year of good behavior and grades was all it took, as a bargaining chip, to convince his dad to buy the sweetest and hottest ride he had ever seen in his whole life. The car was sleek, black and classic which he hoped would lead to the hottest chick at school wanting to be seen in the coolest car around. He could just picture himself driving the muscle car in front of school and Sandy McCoy staring at him and his new car in wide-eyed wonder.

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t up to her standards and she would be using him but he could care less. If he didn’t get to stick his hands down her pants he would surely get to stick them down someone else’s. Hopefully, one with a lot more package, like say a nice uncircumcised 7 inch cock with a heavy set of balls attached to it.

Some commas removed, a little rearranging of the paragraphs and some change in the wording and the lack of cohesion becomes instead a break from his fantasy thoughts into more realistic thoughts. Overall the beginning of the story doesn't seem as disjointed as your other critics suggested. It seems to flow pretty much as you would expect a frantic teenage boy's mind would. He's late for school, he doesn't want to mess up the perfect year he's had and ruin his chance of getting a new car, he's been running a lot etc. How many people do you know who, having been running for a mile and a half worried about a year's worth of their dreams coming crashing down, would be thinking calmly and rationally in a neat and precise order? Not many.

That's most of what I can add to the matter. I don't really enjoy editing homosexual pieces (guy or girl) so that's probably as much editing as I feel comfortable handing out. It's definitely not bad, it just needs a little more attention and some work on the technical side of things.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Chapter 4 and 14 pages? Huh. Using Word, 1 inch margins, 12 pt Times New Roman, single space, no indents, and a space between each paragragh, I get about 500 words of narrative a page. Double spaced, it's about 250 words a page. This is kind of industry estimated average, actually. Add dialogue, and that makes less words a page. So, you've got 7k-ish words right now divided into 4 chapters? Short chapters. What do you consider a chapter? A complete scene? Several scenes that fit thematically? A scene chopped off at the end for a cliffhanger in order to prompt the reader to come back next time (a popular fanfiction gimmick)? How is chapterization meaningful in your novel/la? You are not doing it wrong, FYI. You are, however, telling me something about how you think about chopping your work up with your numbers. Cohesion begins with logic. The plot works this way and I have the plot chopped up into reader digestable chunks (scenes) grouped logically into sections (chapters). What's the logic?

I'll tell you right off the bat, I had almost no interest in reading past the first paragraph. I had no reason to care about a man jogging down the road. The next few paragraphs didn't give me any reason to care, either. There was no real tension for me because I didn't pick up that he wasn't out for morning exercise until halfway through the scene. There was no sense of urgency or necessity, no reason until the end. Man jogging, wow, he's pretty, man jogging, man jogging, a bus? What? His stuff was stolen? But he's carrying his backpack! And why was he so concerned about his car that he doesn't have and his hottiness when his wallet and bike were stolen? Where did the bike come from anyway?

You're having your character interact poorly with the setting, when he interacts at all. If he's running for a bus, then it's going to be urban and he's going to have obstacles that will clue the reader in to the problem. If he's got problems, he'll be dwelling on the present, not the past. Your exposition is tripping up your tension building. Why should I care about him and his problems? Because he's got a cool Impala? I'd be more impressed if it was the General Lee. I'm a Mopar girl from way back.

I can kind of see what they mean be a missing sense of cohesion. Your opening paragraphs jump from topic to topic about the past without giving the reader a dedicated view of the character's present. I don't think it's a cohesion problem, so much as a backstory problem. You're trying to cram too much information in one spot. This is giving you the separation between grafs and also the ability to lose me as an audience. If I were a motivated and dedicated Supernatural fan, I'd be very forgiving of all of this to get some Sam and Dean goodness. And, to be perfectly blunt, this is not the kind of lazy writing you want to develop in yourself, anyway. Slow down and let the story unfold and tell itself. You don't have to tell me the character's history immediately. In fact, unless it's intrinsic to developing the opening scene's tension, don't. Let the scene do the work it needs to, which is introduce the story, the tension, and hint at the conflict in the novel/la, if not outright introduce it. The opening scene's job is to hook me like a trout. After the story is rolling, then start spoonfeeding backstory as necessary. Do I need to know about chic black Impalas that are no longer with the character? Are they ever going to crop up again? If not, leave them out. What it all boils down to is "show don't tell." Trite and true. You're spending a lot of opening sequence time telling me history and showing me a jogging man. Show me, instead, who this man is and why I should care about him by showing me why he's running, why catching the bus is important to him, what kind of crappy day he's had (because we can all relate to having crappy days). Work the rest in later, more slowly.

To put it another way, think of the scene as a complete mini-story. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It has tension, perhaps even conflict. It has characters, a setting, and action. It has a setting. It has, most importantly, it's own tiny plot arc where the tension is introduced, rises, and is then released at the end in some way. Your character is running for the bus, which he desperately needs to catch. He has obstacles that are stopping him: people, he's winded and hurting from the run, he's carrying a load, he got a late start, he's having a bad day already, etc. The tension rises as he sees the bus and figures he's going to miss it. It rises more when people get in the way. The tension releases when the bus pulls away without him and won't stop. It falls away when he bends over and tries to catch his breath. This is the plot arc of your scene. How does your backstory exposition fit into this scene? It really doesn't. It serves no purpose and does not drive the scene forward or develop the tension, which makes the scene disjointed. Does this scene have a purpose in the novel/la other than to give you a place to introduce backstory with some excitement? Couldn't tell ya, haven't read anything else. I do know that this scene does not have any real tension in it. Why? I don't care about him missing the bus because I didn't know it was an issue until the end. I do know this scene does not have the novel's conflict in it. Conflict is not boring.

Dealing with scene, I think, will start taking care of the disjointed sensation people get while reading.

Now, this seems like nothing but a ton of criticism, and it kind of is. There are good things going on here. You're interested in developing the character first. You're making him a multi-dimensional person with a full range of thoughts and feelings rather than a stereotype. It would have been simple to fall into the 18 & virgin male typification, but you didn't do that. You made him a person with people failings and people problems. You obviously have him thought out in your head, who he is and where he's going to go in the story. This is a very good thing. It'll keep him consistent and true whenever you whack him over the head with conflict.

 

[Peccato]

Ok, I have read the last two post and it was a lot to swallow. Not out of offense but learning. It was a lot of information to digest and process. I can only hope to keep up with it.

I can see why KillerMuffin was pointing out the fact that the story should unfurl itself, because when I first started to write it. I was hoping to write a short story, instead, I got this crazy idea down the line and it turned out big. Right on the button there!

So, I am trying to rework the coming events into the intro to give a reader a bit of a heads up. There is a reason to why his stuff are stolen, but he still have a backpack (he needs the contents in it) and why he has to take the bus (place of meet cue where he meets his antagonist or something else) and why he is having a bad day(yeah his obstacle is to survive it). Somehting like the movie 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off', only filled with supernatural creatures or demons.

Someone told me I should just start from scratch, instead of rewriting and knowing from past comments or advise I got a thing for making too large of paragraphs. But thanks to Onoz I have an idea or rather a way to fixing my problem without erasing everything and starting from the beginning off the top of my head. And with Killer Muffin comments I think I can make it better, more interesting.

First off, it is a long story that is divided into chapters to make it digestible. Some chapters have that bit of suspense at the end some don't. They just end with a 'bang', I am assuming here, instead of a teaser.(I personally hate teasers but they do have their benefits) I am trying to keep each chapter between 2000 to 2500 of word count.

Secondly, I am trying to write some of the story's mystery or the way they solve it from before hand without giving it initially away. And it is proven to be difficult. (I could really use some help there)

Finally, I am looking for an Editor who lives or at least knows about Texas. I live in Holland, like smack dead in the middle. Our roads usually have two side lanes, one for bikes and the other for pedestrians (fietsenpad en voetpad). I have no I idea about Dallas, Texas but I am googling it. Still, such intimate knowledge would be a godsend for me.

I have asked earlier in another forum about how to write a car chasing scene and I would like someone to take a look at the end results. Plus, the school that he attends (Wilson Woodrow) and the pecan orchid they end up in is in Sunnyvale (about 20 min away from Dallas). Oh and I would be writing about the lady from white rock and Texas' Governor James Stephen Hogg from 1906.

So, if there are any editors who would like to take a look and give these places and people some authentication I would appreciate it. Maybe some local information or background... I am open to suggestions?