Deeper Insight Please

[La_Reina]

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. At first I thought help, but help with what exactly. Clarification for sure. So I'm changing the title from Help to Deeper Insight because I need help ... err. clarification I mean. With what, your asking. Let me give you some background information and it'll make sense. I hope.

I am married. 3 very important words. I discovered BDSM after 2 months of marriage. I was reading some story and then I found Gor (the books) and then online chatting etc. I thought I'll share this with my husband. I feel I am a submissive; not slave. (everyone has their own words for what they are and their own definitions between the two Slave and Submissive. To me a submissive still can say no. A slave cannot. That's all it means to me. You can argue it all you want, I'm still going to feel the same way) My husband was not thrilled. Infact, he was downright repulsed by it. Told me it was wrong and gross and there was something wrong with me.

Now that was about 7 years ago. I had cheated on him with a Master which he found out and I chose my husband over my master and had decided to become a better wife. It didn't last long ie meaning I would read stories or chat, but I never cheated again. (I know there's emotional cheating blah blah blah but I never fucked another person) About a year ago he said after I told him this mean a lot to me and I can't let it go (my analogy was a drug addict. I'm the drug addict this is my drug and I need him to do something anything pull my hair, spank, just let me be submissive) he said he'll try. The most is I can get a light slap on the ass every once in awhile or if I say 'spank me'. He used to do it at first. I now get a lot of NO.

So I'm trying again to be a good wife. We have no kids. But I can't let this go. I went into a lot of sub-frenzy (scary when you don't know what it is) and we almost divorced. I want to but I do love my husband very very much. I'm still debating whether his happiness is enough for me. Anywho I was told that I let my husband control my life without the dominance as I was trying to do the submissive thing and see if I can get him to do the dominance thing without realizing it. Not good. I have no dominance and I'm starting to resent things. My own fault.

A friend who I'm close to has a Master and she has always talked about him to me. I guess I was living through her and that had helped with the frenzy some. Now her Master had wanted to talk to me and I agreed not thinking anything of it. I do not know this man. He doesn't know me. We know of eachother through his girl. He had asked me if i wanted to see him. I explained that I was married and I got to do a play (I don't know what you call it when you just scene with someone. but via computer and phone) it was um... orgasm control (from the bdsm library.) It was ... good.

He asked again if i wanted to be his girl and I sighed and said in a perfect world I would love to. But am married. He got upset and said that he doesn't care about my marriage and I can get on a plane tomorrow and come to him. I got scared and told him to please not make me decide. He didn't as he just hung up. I knew then that I would have left if he truly pushed it, but ...to a man i don't know. Sure the girl I love, but the Master (or maybe that's a new can of worms)

I'm afraid I risked losing my only chance. I know he's a great (I hope for me too) Master as he has a girl but I'm confused on why he upped the ante so quickly. Mind you this is the 1st time I spoke to him even indirectly through a computer. I don't even know his name or if the name we call him is a name or nick name, what he looks like or anything. He knows more about me I guess via his girl (pictures etc) and he admitted that His girl has been trying for a long time to begging him to at least talk to me. We're close like sis's and we had always talked about being real sisters etc.

So now I'm just .. confused. bewildered. lost. I thought I had given up on looking and then there was hope and then .. I don't. I don't even know if the story made more sense of what I'm looking for. and I'm still married and yes I do have a plan to eventually sever these ties. Again I do love my husband very very much. I'm just ... can anyone help? or have a deeper insight.

 

[Primalex]

Seek professional counselling.

 

[fuckmeat]

Deep though Primalex's insight was, he does have a point. Everything else you have tried to resolve this without going crazy hasn't worked. I'd suggest couples therapy or sex therapy with someone capable of helping your husband to understand that your desires aren't 'repulsive' and that he's highly fortunate that you're still patiently waiting for him to bother trying to make you more sexually fulfilled.

I don't know how you've broached BDSM with him over the years, probably every which way you can think of. Guys can get irrationally defensive if you try nudging them in a new direction because all they hear is that you're not happy with the sexual status quo. Then they become resentful that their practised MO hasn't worked for you and end up disinclined to try new things. But I'm sure you know this already.

Even though it may be pain that you crave, guiding a man into dominance can be approached via a more scenic route. Encouraging him to blindfold you gives him control without challenging him to suddenly become a sadist. You could even blindfold him too and let him see that being more passive can be fun. From there you can try light bondage with scarves and teasing rather than pain. Try toys that give different sensations so that although one toy may cause pain, there are others he can play around with too, till he gets more of an idea and relaxes into having control. Then take another baby step towards getting what you want.

That all requires him not to be revolted by your fantasies though, which is why I'd suggest therapy at this stage, if you're determined to work at the marriage.

I'm also wondering if he's stopped the spanking because he worries that you'll be fantasising about this Master you became close to before. I can see how he'd feel insecure about acting out things that you have roleplayed with someone else. Therapy could also draw him out on that and help him work on his insecurities where you and kink are concerned.

You maybe able to coax him into S&M but it'll be a long road. You won't be able to make him dominant or sadistic though. At best, it'll always be something he does just because you like it. That can be as hard to live with in its own way as the total lack of play you're currently enduring.

I think rather than just being a docile and service-oriented spouse, what you need to try and give your husband is the sense of power that you gave the Master you RP'd with. A man knows when he has power over a woman, when she genuinely craves intimacy with him and to please him sexually. Even a vanilla guy can be corrupted by that to one degree or another. This stuff with you seeking online fun elsewhere emasculates your husband, making him feel inadequate and that clearly hasn't gone away because he still doesn't feel secure enough to spank you without worrying that you're going to fantasise about someone else. You need to find a way to give him back his mojo if you're ever going to make him feel secure enough to try kinky play.

Just my thoughts.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Personally, someone who is pushing me to make a decision so fast in the first conversation would put up a red flag. I'm sure there are people who've just jumped in with someone without really getting to know them and everything worked out. However, that is rare. It is tantalizing to think about just going to him but you're having doubts which means it isn't right. Your gut is telling you that either it isn't the right time, he isn't the right one, you can find your PYL (pick your label on the dominant end) in your husband, etc.

Good luck. Also remember you have to choose to be happy.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

What fuckmeat said (although I keep getting confused about that being her with her new av! )

He asked again if i wanted to be his girl and I sighed and said in a perfect world I would love to. But am married. He got upset and said that he doesn't care about my marriage and I can get on a plane tomorrow and come to him. I got scared and told him to please not make me decide. He didn't as he just hung up. I knew then that I would have left if he truly pushed it, but ...to a man i don't know. Sure the girl I love, but the Master (or maybe that's a new can of worms)

Serious, serious, serious red flags here. He asked you after talking once if you wanted to be his? He tried to pressure you into dropping your whole life and go running to him? He blatantly disregarded your current relationship? He hung up when you didn't do as he said?

Prime, A grade, quality, wanker, in my book.

I'm afraid I risked losing my only chance. I know he's a great (I hope for me too) Master as he has a girl

Ah. Having 'a girl' does not automatically qualify a Master for 'greatness', just so you know.

I'm afraid I risked losing my only chance.

There'll be others. It's not like random wanker is the only 'Dom' in the world.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Fuckmeat has the "vanilla corruption" angle down. It's at least worth seeing if he can eventually give you enough of what you need to make it work.

But bravo for not making a world-changing decision because an anonymous voice who doesn't give a rat's ass about you says to get in the car and start driving.

It sounds as if you're so muddled that you're highly susceptible to suggestion. Put me down in the "seek counseling" camp, too; you need someone trustworthy to watch out for you while you untangle this giant knotted ball of string.

 

[Adakgirl]

I'm afraid I risked losing my only chance. I know he's a great (I hope for me too) Master as he has a girl

You probably risked missing the screwing up your life... big time. You made the right decision by not making a decision. Wrong, you know nothing of the kind. You know nothing about this man, only what you have been told. If he was as you say "a great" Master he would not have so casually disregarded your marriage and asked you if you wanted to be his girl the 1st time you ever spoke with him.

You love your husband very much but you will continue to love him only with the condition that he does whatever it takes to satisfy your submissive needs? If he doesn't then you are going to leave him?
Your resentment towards him is very unfair. Neither one of you knew you were a submissive before you got married. He didn't get the option of telling you beforehand that the whole idea repulsed him. So you can't expect him just accept this about you and cooperate in order to make you happy and satisfied within your marriage.

BDSM is not for everybody, he can try but if it doesn't work for him then it just doesn't work. It's not his fault and it's not your fault for having these needs, but do you really want to end 7 years of marriage to a man whom you love very very much over it? I hope you realize that real-life play, real life scenes are completely different than on-line ones.

You may end your marriage then find out later that you don't like submitting in real life. That D/s is not like you imagined it would be. You may regret breaking up. But we must live to learn, we must take chances to meet our own needs. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. A good, satisfying, loving D/s relationship is like a good vanilla relationship..only in my opinion much more difficult to find. But if you are unhappy with your marriage, and your husband, then by all means, seek happiness.

It takes much more than love to make a marriage work. Just remember this, you are the only person in the world who can make you happy. There is no one else who can, be he a Master or not.

 

[praefect]

I don't know what you heard about this guy, but by your own account I can already tell that he has no self control, which makes him a terrible Master no matter what.

 

[Black_Bunny]

You speak about your 'need' for BDSM in the way I imagine someone who, after getting married, decides they are gay or transsexual. They still love their marriage mate very much but they can't deny who they are, and it's just a pity that they didn't come to understand this about themselves before they married. But that's life.

Good on you for holding off on any decisions until you are clear on what you want/need. If you can find a sex therapist knowledgeable in BDSM, I'd highly recommend going to see them with your husband.

You may end up deciding to leave your husband and seek someone to dominate you. If that's what you choose, good luck to you, you will have a lot of fun. Just realise that there are many out there experienced in dominating, and you have in no way "lost your only chance"!

 

[Primalex]

I guess his sub coaxed him to call you, because she wanted that you are with them. He took the first available exit. Smart guy.

 

[graceanne]

Oh, lord.

I don't how to stress this enough, but it is NOT A GOOD IDEA TO FLY TO SEE A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET. Not without SOME sort of safety measure in effect; like taking a friend. Stay at a hotel. SOMETHING.

Evil_Geoff can go more into this, but there have been cases where serial killers pose as dominants online so as to draw in their prey. Subs fly out to stay with their new dominant, and are never seen again. And the fact that your refusal pissed that guy off so much that he hung up IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

 

[StrictMasterD]

good luck

 

[Netzach]

It's not going to go away or get better. The fact that you don't have children is a blessing. You are at an insurmountable impasse. You need to decide what you need to be sane.

You need to do that for yourself, on your, own, without the influence of random horny people, though. Or else you are just jumping from dysfunction to dysfunction.

Make a list of things you consider non-negotiable needs in a relationship. Then hold out unless they're met from relationships.

 

[Hisslavej]

a girl (or boy) should never feel "pushed" into submitting to a Dom. Ever. Submission is given not forced. This "man" is not a Master.
jmho

 

[Imo]

Having read the above replies from other posters, I'm not sure you actually -need- counselling although impartial advice from an outsider might be beneficial at this point. Being in somewhat the same boat as yourself, I can relate to your frustrations. When I married I had never heard of BDSM and it was a shock to both my husband and myself when I discovered my reactions to submission. My husband is strictly vanilla, I am submissive. We have a loving and fulfilling marriage despite our differences.

How?

The keywords are 'work' and 'compromise'. A loving husband is often willing to do almost anything when approached in the right manner. The trick is finding the right approach without raising a blockade. When one path doesn't work, try another. The advice given by the above poster regarding 'corrupting a vanilla relationship' is a good start. Try baby steps and don't expect him to turn from repulsion to approval anytime soon. As in any conflict, expectations can be a killer of compromise, and I will assure you... whatever relationship you will enter, BDSM or otherwise, it will have its share of conflict and disappointment.

I have nothing but scorn for the Master who tried to talk you into taking the next plane, leaving your husband and home for a man you've never met. Perhaps the poster is right who said he acted under pressure from his sub and took the first exit. I hope so. I'm glad you didn't allow the spur of the moment to goad you into rush decisions and I wish you all the best in working out the problems in your relationship.

 

[Sir Victor]

You really have to consider what kind of sensible person would ask you on one online meeting to move out with him? You have the sub frenzy excuse for being illogical at least in the moment, but really stop and think are you going to change your life after one online meeting? The safety concern has already been mentioned but do you think finding a Dom partner is any simpler than a bf or husband?

It is admirable that you want to save your marriage but I think you've put him into shock in a sense. You need to try to ease him into it, not sure if this is possible since so much time has passed.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Perhaps the poster is right who said he acted under pressure from his sub and took the first exit.

He can't just say; "I wish you the best of luck," and hang up??? What kind of adult-- much less "Master"-- is that?

 

[Primalex]

What kind of adult is that?

What kind of adult hops onto a plane to meet a stranger?

Oh wait, subs are by definition immature, right?

 

[Stella_Omega]

What kind of adult hops onto a plane to meet a stranger?

Oh wait, subs are by definition immature, right?

She didn't, she refused to. She also didn't expect him to hang up on her in the middle of negotiations, either. I certainly wouldn't have!

I think you've mentioned this possibility a couple of times, that a Dom might have done something despicable as a way of getting out of the relationship by forcing the sub to leave. I can easily imagine it, too. I've seen it often enough in vanilla relationships as well.

It's an interesting aspect of human behavior, isn't it?

 

[Primalex]

She didn't, she refused to.

Not really.

"I knew then that I would have left if he truly pushed it"

So somehow it was he who refused to.

She also didn't expect him to hang up on her in the middle of negotiations, either. I certainly wouldn't have!

Considering that married women who are not in a poly-relationship nearly always mean just drama, I can at least understand a very limited tolerance.

It's an interesting aspect of human behavior, isn't it?

I don't know. I can tell for sure that it's becoming more and more frequent in the online world to "disappear". It's too inconvenient for the new generations to say good-bye or even explain what is going on - invisible or ignore mode is just so much easier. And I'm not talking about the ignore after a "SEND PIX OF UR TITS". I wonder how much the online world will change our behaviour towards other people - if this behaviour is okay for mail or messenger, then why not for skype and co. - and then, why not for RL phone?

 

[La_Reina]

i thank you all for your advice.

we have seeked counseling, but it was to strengthen our marriage. I had even brought up BDSM in the therapy b/c we were going to counseling b/c my hub could not get past the fact that I cheated and since it was with a 'master' that had to be brought up. Except the woman had no clue what BDSM was. Anywho since then we've had worked out things and we seem much better. WE are better. my husband and I are happier.

fuckmeat & Imo: Also I'm not really into pain. BUT I do like your advice about other routes. I have tried so many but you both seem to know a bit more on this babystep thing. Maybe I have constantly been going at it wrong. scarves and such maybe. I'll try it again. and this time my mantra will be 'take small steps'

Adakgirl: your right. it's not fair to him. but life isn't fair. I'm not asking him to get knee-deep in the stuff. I am asking him to broaden his view and try a few new things so that I stay content too. I just want a lil more. Maybe I am asking for too much but I'm going to try those baby steps and see if that works.

EVERYONE: again thank you for the advice. I am now glad that I didn't fly out there. I trust my judegement (now) and I do want to work on this marriage more. again thank you. my questions have been answered and my thoughts have been cleared. I will try the baby steps and perhaps the next time I post yall will hear happy good news.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Oh, lord.

I don't how to stress this enough, but it is NOT A GOOD IDEA TO FLY TO SEE A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET. Not without SOME sort of safety measure in effect; like taking a friend. Stay at a hotel. SOMETHING.

Evil_Geoff can go more into this, but there have been cases where serial killers pose as dominants online so as to draw in their prey. Subs fly out to stay with their new dominant, and are never seen again. And the fact that your refusal pissed that guy off so much that he hung up IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

i met Daddy in my hotel room. He's huge.

i've never been sky diving but i imagine it felt a bit like that. It was freaking scary.

Anyway this guy sounds like a loose cannon. Don't meet someone who wants you to leave your family. It may sound alluring to find someone who "makes" you do something perhaps you secretly want to do. Maybe you don't even let yourself think about it but come on.

This is why i went in with a policy not to date single men. Of course i ended up with one but now i have to deal with him dating. i do it because i have no choice but its hard. It's hard like being married and raising kids is hard.

Life is hard.

 

[the captians wench]

Oh, lord.

I don't how to stress this enough, but it is NOT A GOOD IDEA TO FLY TO SEE A MAN YOU'VE NEVER MET. Not without SOME sort of safety measure in effect; like taking a friend. Stay at a hotel. SOMETHING.

Evil_Geoff can go more into this, but there have been cases where serial killers pose as dominants online so as to draw in their prey. Subs fly out to stay with their new dominant, and are never seen again. And the fact that your refusal pissed that guy off so much that he hung up IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

What kind of adult hops onto a plane to meet a stranger?

I did, but then I did it after two years of conversations/phone calls/ sending packages and what not. And every one I knew had all of my travel plans, the phone number and address to the hotel I was staying at. And my mom as well as a couple of others had his full name, address, and a photo.

I didn't feel all of that was nessisary, but I did it to make my friends and family feel better, and to ease that nagging "always use a safety the first time" voice in my head.

I've been lucky. I've done some stupid things. I still don't think that flying internationally to meet this man was one of them. I don't think I ever will....well except for those 2 minutes over the ocean when what I was doing actually hit me.