A question about supporting your dominant partner in an long-term relationship.

Heidi_Ann

Virgin
Joined
Jun 21, 2010
Posts
10
Hi A/all!

I didn't really know how to name this thread, so I apologize if the title is mis-leading. I have been with my partner for 5½ years now and lifestyle has been a part of our life. For the last two years my partner has been going through some personal stuff and has not been interested in anything relating to lifestyle. We had almost 1½ years period when we had nothing sexual in our relationship either.

I've gone through a rainbow of feelings many times over in the past two years, but I think the biggest emotional turmoil has started to pass and I'm seeing the situation a bit more clearly now. I understand that when we chose to be together, I made a commitment to my partner and I wished her path to be mine in this life. I still wish to serve her, but I don't know how. Ive been trying to find the answer from inside, but it seems to be hard. I feel at loss without her direction in our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? How have you supported your dominant partner and your relationship in a situation like this?
 
well, I don't know what to respond to the previous post LOL

I am in a long term marriage and I can say that "ebb and flow" is the way of the world, for us. For me, when I was caught up in the the kid raising thing...I was soo caught up in it. This probalby has zilch to do with your situation. But I can say that for me, looking away from my role as mother would have paralyzed me. It was due to my history ext.

What I mean to say is., everyone has thier shit. If it's too much for you, ask for help. Ask for clarificaiton. When my husband finally let me know what was wrong i was all surpised but hey, I really should have seen it coming!

Every relationsip, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, is not ONE HIGH KINK all the time. A couple years off his game, yeah, I'd want to get to the bottom of it, Gently. Because we know men can be senstitive and all that (ok, yell at me Homburg, DVS, etc - you know it turns me on).
 
Not sure what KoPilot is talking about...

Heidi_Ann, this isn't something that pertains to BDSM, it pertains to people. Basically, the question is, do you want to stay with her in her time of need, or do you want to leave her? If you want to stay with her, then you need to acknowledge that not every dominant is superhuman, and sometimes people have problems.

Then again, you could look at this from a "she's not the person I married" perspective, that seems to be how you're feeling. People split up for that reason all the time.
 
Mmmm, much the same thing happened with my first relationship.

However, after a few years of trying to be supportive, and being rejected at every turn, I realised that he also had to help himself with the issues he was having, and that he was never going to.

It wasn't so much that I wanted him to *change* it was more that I wanted him to care enough about himself to want to seek some help, I wanted him to want to be better, for himself and for our relationship.

I honestly believed that our relationship was going nowhere. He'd stopped being my dominant and it felt like he was rejecting my submissiveness. That hurt. But it also left me feeling increasingly unhappy, unsure of myself and my worth as a person.

Despite all that, I did everything I could. I cooked, I cleaned, I assisted him with his own personal care, I even enabled him and his bloody addictions. I was the wage earner while he dabbled at counselling, or rehab, or a course. I tried to get him to talk, I tried to listen, and not be 'a burden' with my own issues.

In the end though, I couldn't take it anymore, and I left. I'd run myself into the ground, trying to support someone. I was emotionally battered, and exhausted. I wasn't strong enough to keep going.
 
Whaaat? I typed that up for a completely different forum, and posted it there. I have no idea how it ended up here... anyways, I'll take care of that. :confused:
 
Hi A/all!

I didn't really know how to name this thread, so I apologize if the title is mis-leading. I have been with my partner for 5½ years now and lifestyle has been a part of our life. For the last two years my partner has been going through some personal stuff and has not been interested in anything relating to lifestyle. We had almost 1½ years period when we had nothing sexual in our relationship either.

I've gone through a rainbow of feelings many times over in the past two years, but I think the biggest emotional turmoil has started to pass and I'm seeing the situation a bit more clearly now. I understand that when we chose to be together, I made a commitment to my partner and I wished her path to be mine in this life. I still wish to serve her, but I don't know how. Ive been trying to find the answer from inside, but it seems to be hard. I feel at loss without her direction in our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? How have you supported your dominant partner and your relationship in a situation like this?

Okay, let's restructure this a bit:

I have been with my partner for 5½ years now. For the last two years my partner has been going through some personal stuff and (w)e had almost 1½ years period when we had nothing sexual in our relationship. I feel at loss without her direction in our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? How have you supported your dominant partner and your relationship in a situation like this?


Now we have the crux of the matter. Situation - you love someone and are in a committed relationship. In the beginning, the chemistry of the relationship was they were the Dominant and you were the submissive. SOMETHING changed and they have apparently abdicated their role as the authority holder in the relationship.

You haven't specified what that SOMETHING that happened was. Depending on exactly why they have changed colors my outlook. Frankly, illness (physical or mental) if it can be treated and they are making an effort to get better then I answer one way. If it's because they said "You know, I just can't do this kinky stuff anymore, it's not who I am." I would answer another way. If it's alcohol, drugs, or some other addiction I would answer another way...

People change. Why and how makes a difference in how I deal with the change. You already know what you NEED to do. Seriously, you do. But you don't like the answer you've come up with for yourself so you are hoping someone here gives you another option to try. Without better information, we can't give you good options.

Best of luck,
 
Geoff is correct. We can't really help you with specific answers and advice until you give us a little more information regarding what exactly the problem is.

I know it may seem like a highly personal subject matter, and you may or may not be embarrassed or fearful of sharing that piece of your life here, but we won't really be able to help you as much as we could without that information.
 
I agree with the other posters, you'll need to be a bit more specific about the issues you guys are having if you want useful advice. This is an anonymous forum though, so you really shouldn't be afraid of opening up a little. It can be cathartic to get things off your chest among people who understand your dynamic. Trust me, that's why I'm here.

If you really can't talk here, you can always pm me if you like. I've been with my Mistress for about four years and may be able to offer an empathetic ear.

:rose:
 
Thank you all for your replies.

I do see where those who want more information are coming from, but I personally don't have any kind of clear idea on how we got to this point in our lives. There is no addiction or illness involved. Based on what I know about her exes my personal interpertation is that she just pushes anyone away who is getting too close to her. There has been no clear point in our relationship where things changed; it's rather been a long downhill.

People change. Why and how makes a difference in how I deal with the change. You already know what you NEED to do. Seriously, you do. But you don't like the answer you've come up with for yourself so you are hoping someone here gives you another option to try. Without better information, we can't give you good options.

I guess I do. I personally feel that I need to have an open and serious talk with her about my needs and wants in this life, and define to her where my boundaries go. Gently but firmly. I know that I personally have trouble setting boundaries. I just keep enduring for just a little while longer and hoping that things will change. So I guess it's time I look myself in the mirror, get my act together and face the music.

Lizzie_Borden said:
It wasn't so much that I wanted him to *change* it was more that I wanted him to care enough about himself to want to seek some help, I wanted him to want to be better, for himself and for our relationship.

I can so relate to that, thank you for sharing your experiences.

The reason I posted this on this particular board is that I wanted to hear a point of view from other people who are somehow involved in the BDSM-lifestyle. I feel that my need to devote and serve are essential in my feelings about our situation. At the moment I'm personally feeling unhappy about my situation, but I feel that to really help our situation I should be able to change my mindset to feel unhappy about her situation and thinking about how to make her prosper. I still believe in her and in all that she can be, but I feel I'm not strong enough to be able to set aside my own personal needs and wants to help her (and by doing so us) to prosper. In other words, I feel like I've failed as a partner and as someone who serves. It might be the most silly and absurd thing to feel like that, but it just is the way I feel.

Again, thanks for everyone who replied. This already has helped me to reflect on my part in our situation.

Sincerely,
Heidi
 
Hopefully things are going better now than they were, but if not, I will try and add something.

I can relate to why you are addressing this as a BDSM issue as opposed to a simple relationship issue as while there are some factors which remain the same no matter what the dynamics of the relationship are, there are also some which are different when living in a D/s relationship.

Firstly, I agree with you in that you need to talk and try and find out not only what is causing the changes, but also how your partner feels about it. Being dominant does not mean life is easy. They may be well aware of the problem and feeling a lot of the things you are such as failure, disappointment, confusion. For some in that role it is not easy to admit to those feelings, or the fact they are not perfect and able to fix everything, because it makes them feel even more so they are failing and less than what they want to be, what you want them to be. They are human after all and contrary to fiction and fantasy mode, being dominant does not imunise you against human failings. For me, knowling my dominant is not infallible only reinforces my love and appreciation for him because it is real, not a fantasy act.

From the submissive position, the best advice I can give other than trying communication, is patience. Being able to be patient, showing your support in other and varied ways, can all lead to an eventual solution. As I have had pointed out to me before today, submission is not just about following orders and then waiting for more, it is about submitting and fulfilling both the asked for, and often the unasked for. Of course this then becomes a fine line to walk as it is easy to overstep into appearing to be running things, but this can be handled through open communication. Tell her how you are feeling and why, ask her what she wants from you and the relationship, what the future holds. Sometimes keeping it inside and trying to work out what another is thinking, feeling and doing, and why, can lead to more misunderstandings than you can imagine and eventually to the loss of a good relationship for want of a little communication.

Catalina:rose:
 
Hi A/all!

I didn't really know how to name this thread, so I apologize if the title is mis-leading. I have been with my partner for 5½ years now and lifestyle has been a part of our life. For the last two years my partner has been going through some personal stuff and has not been interested in anything relating to lifestyle. We had almost 1½ years period when we had nothing sexual in our relationship either.

I've gone through a rainbow of feelings many times over in the past two years, but I think the biggest emotional turmoil has started to pass and I'm seeing the situation a bit more clearly now. I understand that when we chose to be together, I made a commitment to my partner and I wished her path to be mine in this life. I still wish to serve her, but I don't know how. Ive been trying to find the answer from inside, but it seems to be hard. I feel at loss without her direction in our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? How have you supported your dominant partner and your relationship in a situation like this?

This will sound harsh and cruel....but it sounds as though it is time for you to move on. If the person you love isn't happy when they look in a mirror...then you can't make them happy. Eventually you will exhaust your own self and your own self-esteem trying to support this person if they aren't will to seek help. You should just ask yourself if it's worth it?
 
Hi A/all!

I didn't really know how to name this thread, so I apologize if the title is mis-leading. I have been with my partner for 5½ years now and lifestyle has been a part of our life. For the last two years my partner has been going through some personal stuff and has not been interested in anything relating to lifestyle. We had almost 1½ years period when we had nothing sexual in our relationship either.

I've gone through a rainbow of feelings many times over in the past two years, but I think the biggest emotional turmoil has started to pass and I'm seeing the situation a bit more clearly now. I understand that when we chose to be together, I made a commitment to my partner and I wished her path to be mine in this life. I still wish to serve her, but I don't know how. Ive been trying to find the answer from inside, but it seems to be hard. I feel at loss without her direction in our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? How have you supported your dominant partner and your relationship in a situation like this?


I'm a 20-something black woman whose partner, a 30-something Irish dominatrix, recentlyu lost her job. I'm the breadwinner and the sub in this relationship, lol.
 
Back
Top