Too Far in the wrong direction?

[mikey2much]

I have a new story in ‘loving wives’ it is a bit different from most of the stories there in that it deals with the suppressed anger that I think most of the men would feel having their wives fucking other men.

I have felt the emotions that I am writing about here and have seen others who felt the same. However from the scores I am getting, I think that I may have gone too far with the anger.

The link is in my signature, the story is ‘When Passion Surpasses Love’. It is not your regular Loving Wives story.

 

[Velia]

I have a new story in ‘loving wives’ it is a bit different from most of the stories there in that it deals with the suppressed anger that I think most of the men would feel having their wives fucking other men.

Your story is well written, but I think your pretense, that I have quoted above, is going to cost you votes - more than the simple fact that you are posting in "Loving Wives." Most Loving Wives kind of men would not feel any anger or pain at their wives for having sex with other men. In fact, they HOPE their wives will have sex with other men.

Consequently, in my opinion, you are giving the readers of that category a story they don't want.

 

[Cold_Eyes]

No doubt you'll get lots of negative feedback on this -- it's not a classic stroker and it's in LW. But don't be discouraged because of that. It's a very solid short story with only a few minor mistakes in it. (Also, the link in your profile is broken.)

 

[TE_Ross]

A well written outline

I read your story. I viewed it as a well written outline devoid of any meaningful character development.

While most LW stories are of the cuckold variety, the better authors and stories in my opinion, all deal with the husband's actions (or inactions) upon learning of the betrayal of his wife. Consequences resulting in death are rarely the outcome of any of the better stories. That's not saying that such consequences cannot make for a good story.

However, before you kill off a sympathetic character, they at least have to BE a character. Your husband here was little more than a caricature; and while the wife posed an opportunity to display a truly complex character with conflicting motives, instead, she is virtually ignored and an opportunity was missed.

Why you opted to start the story off by telling us of the hitchhiker is beyond me. You chose the most detached character to introduce the most intimate of relationships, and you did so poorly. That is why there were so few comments to your story.

If you are interested in reading stories where the husband's emotions ARE well described then I would recommend works by the author ohio, principally his "Visiting Richard Gronier" Other great authors who have found the formula are: KK, the Troubador, RPSuch, Harddaysknight, Slirpuff, Papatoad, Cloacas, Blue88, Jack Straw, Longhorn_07, cageytee, thecelt, Denham Forrest, curious2c, juanwildone, Agena and even Just Plain Bob (to mention but a few).

As an avid reader of these authors' works I found your story lacking in comparison.

 

[mikey2much]

trying to write what I once felt

Your story is well written, but I think your pretense, that I have quoted above, is going to cost you votes - more than the simple fact that you are posting in "Loving Wives." Most Loving Wives kind of men would not feel any anger or pain at their wives for having sex with other men. In fact, they HOPE their wives will have sex with other men.

Consequently, in my opinion, you are giving the readers of that category a story they don't want.

Many years ago when I was with my second wife, we did a bit of swinging. A friend stayed at our house for a while and my wife was drawn to him. So I gave her the go ahead. This was a friend loved by both of us but as I watched my wife sucking on his dick I was filled with a sense of loss, and remorse.

Maybe it was just me but I think that no matter how many times you swing and everything is fine, when the chips fall just right and a connection seems to be made so perfectly that you feel anger at yourself for letting it happen.

Thanks for you comment.
Mike

 

[mikey2much]

you are right about that

No doubt you'll get lots of negative feedback on this -- it's not a classic stroker and it's in LW. But don't be discouraged because of that. It's a very solid short story with only a few minor mistakes in it. (Also, the link in your profile is broken.)

Yeah you got that right. My score is standing at about 310, but I have 99 votes after one day, and I have gotten over twenty thousand reads in one day. Before this my most popular story only had 68,000 or so reads, and 65 votes but it had been posted in 2007.

I will try to restore the link.

thanks for you comment.

Mike

 

[mikey2much]

You make several good points. I am going to give the story another read-through and see if I could flesh the players out a bit. I felt at the beginning that it was going to be a hitchhiker-gets-a- quickie story. The story got away from me a bit.

Thank you for your insight and you comment.

mike

 

[nerk]

First off, no. This isn't too far in the wrong direction, it's a story that deals with violence and frustration and anger as well as humping. I think you have an interesting situation that's worth exploring. There will be some folks saying "It's been done" and it has, but if that mattered, what would anyone write about?

I think you do a great job capturing Tommy, but it's hard to get too worked up about him. He's not stupid. He knows he's rolling the dice.

You do well depicting Wayne's feelings about the whole situation, but we only meet him when he's picking up a hitchhiker to fuck his wife in the backseat. If you gave us the chance to get to know him before that, we'd be a lot more likely to identify with him.

Tammy is undeveloped.

I think Wade is a missed opportunity. If you let us see his initial encounter with the hitchhiker from his side, you set up the remorse he feels later. You also take us out of Tommy's POV a lot sooner, and could have an opportunity to introduce Wayne and Tammy before they meet Tommy.

 

[mikey2much]

First off, no. This isn't too far in the wrong direction, it's a story that deals with violence and frustration and anger as well as humping. I think you have an interesting situation that's worth exploring. There will be some folks saying "It's been done" and it has, but if that mattered, what would anyone write about?

I think you do a great job capturing Tommy, but it's hard to get too worked up about him. He's not stupid. He knows he's rolling the dice.

You do well depicting Wayne's feelings about the whole situation, but we only meet him when he's picking up a hitchhiker to fuck his wife in the backseat. If you gave us the chance to get to know him before that, we'd be a lot more likely to identify with him.

Tammy is undeveloped.

I think Wade is a missed opportunity. If you let us see his initial encounter with the hitchhiker from his side, you set up the remorse he feels later. You also take us out of Tommy's POV a lot sooner, and could have an opportunity to introduce Wayne and Tammy before they meet Tommy.

I think you might be correct. but do you think the reader would stay with me for that long? I think that you run the risk of losing your reader if you don't get to the sex pretty quick.

You are making good points though and I am thinking I should re-work the story later.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Mikey, you're right that LW is a strange place. There is another side to Velia's cuckold argument which is LW men punish wives for their infidelity. Your story explores the middle ground and, even though good, therefore pleases no-one.

I think it has the makings of a really good short story but would agree with other comments that you spend too much time on Tommy and not enough on the characterization of the couple.

You could cut the intro by about 50% yet still describe a hitchiker's fate on a cold, rainy night north of Birmingham. The initial scene with the officer/brother-in-law isn't written to be really evocative after the deaths and needs some more cutting references - perhaps to rape - that makes us think , 'if only', at the end.

To my mind, you need to explore the emotions of all three much further to make this work. The final explosion and the conclusion needs a much bigger build-up. Couldn't the pickup be 'normal' and then after a while they stop at a diner where both Tammy and Wayne get real teary with their stories and Tommy doesn't know what to do - give in to his urges, hurt Wayne or just walk out into the rain. You don't cover his decision process.

Also, after previous 'encounters' for Tammy, it's not exactly evident to the reader why this coupling is so much worse than the others. You've emphasized it's a one-night stand so you need to really explain Wayne's red mist.

I liked it and you have to ignore much of the tribal reaction of the LW crowd. Even so, I would have enjoyed more exploration of the characters before the denouement.

 

[mikey2much]

It seems that I have work to do.

First off, no. This isn't too far in the wrong direction, it's a story that deals with violence and frustration and anger as well as humping. I think you have an interesting situation that's worth exploring. There will be some folks saying "It's been done" and it has, but if that mattered, what would anyone write about?

I think you do a great job capturing Tommy, but it's hard to get too worked up about him. He's not stupid. He knows he's rolling the dice.

You do well depicting Wayne's feelings about the whole situation, but we only meet him when he's picking up a hitchhiker to fuck his wife in the backseat. If you gave us the chance to get to know him before that, we'd be a lot more likely to identify with him.

Tammy is undeveloped.

I think Wade is a missed opportunity. If you let us see his initial encounter with the hitchhiker from his side, you set up the remorse he feels later. You also take us out of Tommy's POV a lot sooner, and could have an opportunity to introduce Wayne and Tammy before they meet Tommy.

Mikey, you're right that LW is a strange place. There is another side to Velia's cuckold argument which is LW men punish wives for their infidelity. Your story explores the middle ground and, even though good, therefore pleases no-one.

I think it has the makings of a really good short story but would agree with other comments that you spend too much time on Tommy and not enough on the characterization of the couple.

You could cut the intro by about 50% yet still describe a hitchiker's fate on a cold, rainy night north of Birmingham. The initial scene with the officer/brother-in-law isn't written to be really evocative after the deaths and needs some more cutting references - perhaps to rape - that makes us think , 'if only', at the end.

To my mind, you need to explore the emotions of all three much further to make this work. The final explosion and the conclusion needs a much bigger build-up. Couldn't the pickup be 'normal' and then after a while they stop at a diner where both Tammy and Wayne get real teary with their stories and Tommy doesn't know what to do - give in to his urges, hurt Wayne or just walk out into the rain. You don't cover his decision process.

Also, after previous 'encounters' for Tammy, it's not exactly evident to the reader why this coupling is so much worse than the others. You've emphasized it's a one-night stand so you need to really explain Wayne's red mist.

I liked it and you have to ignore much of the tribal reaction of the LW crowd. Even so, I would have enjoyed more exploration of the characters before the denouement.

I seem to be getting a lot of good advice, I will try to heed it. This is a bit like what I heard after I posted 'The difference between homeless and helpless'. It seems that I am setting the stage but not letting the actors become clear to the reader. I will work on that.

I have never gotten the amount of readers or votes as this story has brought me. It is a shame that when I at last get a story that draws a hundred votes, they mostly don't like it.
Thanks for the comment.
Mike

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Just a word from a supporter.

I think the premise and the plot of your story is great. I can't think what cat on lit is right but LW is totally wrong - it is so extreme.

IMHO, an edit then posting on Erotic Couplings will lower your clicks and might give you a more sensible score.

 

[mikey2much]

I will wait until the story leaves the new list

I thought that I would wind up in exotic horror aqnd I think that is a very bad place to be. It seems that I am getting a lot of reads and the people who do read it get to the end and vote in higher numbers than any story I have ever posted.

I guess that at heart I might be an attention whore. I do love the fact that I am having my work read by so many people. Is that because of it being in loving wives? I think so.

mike