Shield

[Pheo15]

Just wanted to see what people thought of this before I go ahead and submit it to the poem section. Not only is this my first poem on Lit, but it's my first over all submission on Lit as well. Any criticism is welcomed!


Shield


I promised to stand by you, to be your shield against any and all.
To protect you with my all.

I vowed to stand by you in both the times of good and of bad.
Even if doing so will drive me mad.

I shall pick up the pieces of your heart and mend them.
At the price of my own gem.

I will fight to keep your sanity from crumbling.
Even as I am trembling.

And though I am your protector and mentor,
Shields do splinter.

But even when I break apart and all that’s left is small.
I promised to stand by you, to be your shield against any and all.

 

[bronzeage]

It's a sweet piece, but it would be stronger in first person. "I promise" instead of "promised".

The imagery in the third line is not clear. What is your gem, and what is its price?

 

[Angeline]

Welcome, and keep writing!

Your poem is not specific and you are telling the reader more than showing. When I say not specific, I mean you are writing in terms so general that there's little to hook me as a reader. I'm guessing you haven't put a lot of time before this into reading or writing poems because lots of people write this way when they start out. Nothing wrong with that cause we all start out, any time we try something new. But poetry needs to engage the reader or it doesn't really work. If you put some time into poem writing daily and you read poems others write (famous or wherever), you will learn more and your writing will mature.

There are a lot of people here with great ideas and mad poetry skillz, so if you stick around and get involved you can improve that way, too.

Also I agree with Bronze that you could try writing in a different person or verb tense, play with words and see where it takes you. Think about what images that you've experienced best represent the feelings you're trying to convey in a poem. That's important.

 

[Pheo15]

Thank you for the help! I've always been more of a story and narrative style writer, it's been kinda an interesting change of writing for me. I plan to use all the ideas and concepts as much as possible!

 

[Angeline]

Thank you for the help! I've always been more of a story and narrative style writer, it's been kinda an interesting change of writing for me. I plan to use all the ideas and concepts as much as possible!

Glad my comments were helpful. Poetry is so much more compact than prose, even most narrative prose, that I think it's a very different experience when you start writing it. You are not the first person to come here and make that observation, and like I said there are good writers here who are happy to help each other out, so stick around if you like.

 

[bronzeage]

Thank you for the help! I've always been more of a story and narrative style writer, it's been kinda an interesting change of writing for me. I plan to use all the ideas and concepts as much as possible!

Here is a poem with a similar theme.

These days of punished generosity
are only thunder clouds, dwarfs in the sky,
who sling darts to answer kind intention,
but soon scattered by the wind who bore them.
If you are to suffer for mercy's sake
cling to my chest. I hold my shield skyward.
Imagine the drum of arrows on bronze,
the marching cadence of my beating heart.
Errant missiles skirt our shadow and nip
ankles like yelping dogs too small to note.
Let arrows pepper my shield, if the weight
should rend my shoulder, I have the other.

 

[Pheo15]

Well, after taking some time to work on it and read many different types of poetry, I worked on the poem quite a bit. I can see though I still have quite the ways to go to perfecting my poetry.


Shield


I promise to stand by you, to be your shield against any and all.
To protect you even after I fall.

I vow to stand by you in both the times of good and of bad.
Even if doing so will drive me mad.

I shall pick up the broken pieces of your heart when it breaks.
At the price of my own heart‘s sake.

I will fight to keep your sanity from crumbling.
Even as I am trembling.

And though I am your protector and mentor,
My shield is beginning to splinter.

But even when I break apart and all that’s left is small.
I promise to stand by you, to be your shield against any and all.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I think what a lot of poets do is to use rhyme without meter when they are learning how to write poetry. I'd let go of that urge to rhyme and just focus on making images that are clear and tell the reader exactly what you mean.

A small moment that is clear is a lot more effective than a big idea that is amorphous. Example: I want to illustrate that my lover is considerate. Instead of saying "you always have my back" which is a general statement, it would be more effective to say "your sleepy fingers stroke my back just before the alarm goes off. You'll wake an hour later to drive me to the train." It isn't poetry yet, but it is a specific image, right? And it lets you know the specific ways in which someone is considerate. The reader can then extrapolate from that small image to the bigger idea. Let us do that work. You create for us small specific images we can grow ideas from.

I like that you use an overarching metaphor and stick to that idea. You have something to write about and that's half the battle. I look forward to seeing more of your work.

 

[jeff1343]

don't know anything about that , but i would like to know which song is played during every episode of the shield (so the themesong).










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Accommodation Italy
Milan Hotel

 

[UnderYourSpell]

google it