Advice, insight, anything at all?

[bruisedweasel]

As I posted in the greetings thread, I'm quite new to all of this, and I'm struggling with things emotionally. A little background:

I spent about ten years of my life in complete isolation due to severe depression and anxiety, and prior to that I had next to no social life in school. I was repressed sexually and socially, and only three years ago made a call to get help. I've since recovered enough to get a job, date, make friends, and live a somewhat normal life on my own.

My ex, who was my first and last boyfriend so far, was a jerk. I found myself becoming a doormat for him, doing as he asked, buying him gifts, wanting him to be, in my eyes, "a man" for me, not knowing yet what that was. I'd hint at my desire to be restrained, to have him force himself on me, but all he'd say was that I didn't really want that. Then he'd smile and go back to whatever he was doing- playing games or watching videos. I couldn't explore myself with him, he wanted a proper wife to cook and clean, to be available when he wanted her, but he didn't really love me or want to reciprocate all that I was giving him.

I broke it off with him a few months ago, for those and several other reasons, and started looking for a new man. I also started reflecting on my life, trying to figure out what I was looking for. I examined early behaviors and thoughts, how I acted an what I'd expected from my ex, how I went about things in the bedroom. I realized I was a submissive woman at heart. I can be witchy at times, wanting my way in life, but in relationships, I want to serve.

The troubling times:
Recently, I started chatting on Yahoo, hanging around the BBW rooms, looking for someone to talk to, explore with, who wouldn't mind my size so much. I met this guy who just took my breath away. We chatted, exchanged pictures, cammed it up a bit, and my submissive qualities were picked up on almost immediately in all this. I wanted to do anything for this man (within reason, of course), and he carries the right sense of authority to bring this out in me.

Things have gotten quite intense between us. He's gently pushed me to try things I never considered, inspires me to fulfill my fantasies. But having jumped into this- the camming for him and now other men, the idea of being in training for him, doing these things and exploring myself- I've been having moral dilemmas.

I want to be true to myself, I enjoy what I'm doing. But what scares me is how infatuated I am with this man. I worry how my bi-polar swings affect my judgement. I wonder, am I craving these things because I really want them, or am I just sick in the head, or have such low self esteem I crave domination.

This is ungodly long, I know, and I apologize, but this is such a big issue for me right now. I tried not to go into too much detail, to keep things short. Feedback would be greatly accepted. I read in a previous post about subfrenzy(?) which seems to match the sheer intensity of or relationship a couple weeks ago. I'm also curious how those with bi-polar disorder handle their mood swings, and how their partners deal with it, in a D/s relationship.

 

[Kikori]

Compared to some posts, yours is quite short. No worries about that, first of all.

Concerning bipolarity in relationships, I've not heard, seen, or dealt with it. That's something that others will have to offer feedback on. However, concerning your worry with the infatuation you seem to have for the man you've met, take one step back and look at how he's handling his time with you.

and he carries the right sense of authority to bring this out in me.

He's gently pushed me to try things I never considered, inspires me to fulfill my fantasies.

Just those two alone is an example of the reflection that's answering your own question. Is he actually doing things right and how you personally prefer authority? Is he truly being 'gentle', rather than being defended? If so, your own moral dilemmas can probably be dealt with and not much trouble come of it; as long as he's who you seem to describe, the biggest worry seems to lie in the bipolarity.

I wonder, am I craving these things because I really want them, or am I just sick in the head, or have such low self esteem I crave domination.

It takes a lot for someone here to call you "sick in the head", and self esteem isn't what dictates domination cravings. Submission to someone is a willingness to serve and follow, not being unable to stand up for yourself due to poor self confidence. (In case this goes against Ownedsubgal's situation, I hope she knows what I'm trying to get at but probably having trouble putting into words. >.>)

 

[Homburg]

My girl MIS is bipolar, and takes her meds religiously. She has likewise wondered in the past if her bipolar issues have had something to do with her relationship choices. My advice was basically to go with your heart, but take measured steps. Give yourself time to get used to a given step before you take the next leap. If your interest survives through highs, lows, more highs, etc then it is probably a solid interest.

Are you taking meds for your condition, and going to therapy? Not saying that everyone that is bipolar needs it, I am just curious. In her case, therapy is nice, but not 100%, but meds are most assuredly 100% needed.

And have you talked to this guy about your swings? Hiding symptoms and the existence of the disorder itself is part of the pathology, so it is a legit question.

 

[YourCaptor]

I would recommend you make a list of limits that you stick to no matter the mood.

You could get a kink friendly therapist or friend to help out with making that list.
Going on camera with multiple men is something I think the average kinky girl would not do, so potentially consider that one.

 

[bruisedweasel]

Kikori- "It takes a lot for someone here to call you "sick in the head", and self esteem isn't what dictates domination cravings. Submission to someone is a willingness to serve and follow, not being unable to stand up for yourself due to poor self confidence. "

The bold portion is how I feel. It's hard trying to wrap my head around some of this. As for answering my own questions I guess I did just that. I'm trying hard to reflect and figure this out, and this post is meant to help in that. When this online relationship was only a couple weeks old, I completely flipped out, cried, put him on ignore, and struggled with misgivings because I was more afraid of myself than him. Those misgivings have returned, and once again I'm more afraid of myself than of this man.

Homburg- Your advice is very helpful. I do take a mood stabilizer that keeps me a bit on the "high" end, and I also see a therapist regularly. I don't recall if I've mentioned the swings to him yet, I probably haven't. I have mentioned to him my time in isolation and how it's affected me.

YourCaptor- Making a list of limits is hard to do. I'm so inexperienced I don't know what I won't do until it comes up. So far, any "no's" I give have been honored, and once I say "no", the request isn't repeated unless I have a change of mind and bring it up. As for camming it up for strange men, part of it was training to fulfill a fantasy I have, to get me used to having an audience. What concerned me was my willingness to do it- I'm a good girl, and good girls just don't show off for strange men.

Thank you for the replies so far. They're giving me a lot to think on and consider.

 

[Homburg]

Very glad to hear that you are taking steps to handle it, brava. I would suggest thinking about mentioning it to him. Not saying you explicitly should, but take a think on it. If it progresses beyond cam, he will likely figure it out (assuming he has not done so already), and lack of forthright admittance may call your honesty into question. That's not a good way to start a relationship.

 

[bruisedweasel]

Very glad to hear that you are taking steps to handle it, brava. I would suggest thinking about mentioning it to him. Not saying you explicitly should, but take a think on it. If it progresses beyond cam, he will likely figure it out (assuming he has not done so already), and lack of forthright admittance may call your honesty into question. That's not a good way to start a relationship.

I have considered bringing it up, which is why I cannot remember if I did yet or not. I know it's something he needs to know, as both of us have seriously considered a real world encounter. It's something any partner I pick in any relationship needs to know, since it affects my life so completely. My ex was unable to understand what my illness meant, and it led to some unfortunate encounters with him, and I'm worried this new man may not understand, though that worry is more from my anxiety than from anything rational.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Miss Weasel, if I can give you one bit of practical advice-- please lay off the cams until you are more confident in your own ability to assess the dangers and pleasures of going on camera. The pictures you put on the internet are going to be there forever, you know? I worry about your privacy, maybe later in life.
I wish I had more for you!

 

[bruisedweasel]

The cams are through the Yahoo chat client. I didn't think those could be permanent online.

 

[Homburg]

If it goes out over the internet to someone else's computer, it can be recorded. I know people who have cammed, trusting their partners, and later found out that the cam session was recorded. There are plenty of third-party software providers that make apps for the express purpose of recording cams, and every computer can take screen shots.

 

[CutieMouse]

The cams are through the Yahoo chat client. I didn't think those could be permanent online.

Yahoo may not be recording the video chat, but that doesn't mean the person on the other end can't.

 

[bruisedweasel]

Bah, good point from both of you, CutieMouse and Homburg. That is a judgment lapse on my part.

 

[Primalex]

good girls just don't show off for strange men.

This is why they are boring.

 

[bruisedweasel]

Primalex- lol!

One thing I'm having a hard time assimilating is the desire I have to be a slut. "Cum slut" as he called it (really inexperienced here, having lived under a rock). Again, good girls don't desire the things I desire, and this thought clashes with the sensibilities I was raised with.

Still thinking through this, I'm hoping you don't mind it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Primalex- lol!

One thing I'm having a hard time assimilating is the desire I have to be a slut. "Cum slut" as he called it (really inexperienced here, having lived under a rock). Again, good girls don't desire the things I desire, and this thought clashes with the sensibilities I was raised with.

Still thinking through this, I'm hoping you don't mind it.

Don't worry about offending anyone, and never apologize for working through your thought process.

I have to call bullshit on the concept that "good girls" don't desire the things you desire... why? Where did you get that particular view of the universe, and what happens if you don't buy into it?

 

[bruisedweasel]

I think this notion of "good girl" is some leftover crap from trying to please people when I was growing up. Religious training had a hand in it, I think (thought I'd undone all that already). I'm trying to think why I would be a "bad girl" for doing the things I'm doing, or at least why being a "bad girl" is "wrong".

There's so much repression to work through, I never even had my first sexual encounter until I was 27. I think... I'm so used to celibacy and being the quiet moody thing people have always expected me to be, anything beyond that is suddenly outside the "norm".

 

[YourCaptor]

YourCaptor- Making a list of limits is hard to do. I'm so inexperienced I don't know what I won't do until it comes up.

You can find lists online. It's better to have it down on paper, bad to keep it just in your head.

 

[bruisedweasel]

Alright, thank you, YourCaptor.

 

[CutieMouse]

I think this notion of "good girl" is some leftover crap from trying to please people when I was growing up. Religious training had a hand in it, I think (thought I'd undone all that already). I'm trying to think why I would be a "bad girl" for doing the things I'm doing, or at least why being a "bad girl" is "wrong".

There's so much repression to work through, I never even had my first sexual encounter until I was 27. I think... I'm so used to celibacy and being the quiet moody thing people have always expected me to be, anything beyond that is suddenly outside the "norm".

Most women are conditioned to buy into the good girl thing, often based upon a moral or religious viewpoint. It's not uncommon for women (in particular, IMO) to discover BDSM, and suddenly realize there is a whole world where they get to let go of the whole "good girl" thing - BDSM allows them to abdicate responsibility for their actions, because their PYL* "told them to". It can be liberating and enlightening; it can be a crutch. The trick is figuring out which of those two things it is for you.

*PYL = Pick Your Label (Dominant, Master, Top)
pyl = pick your label (submissive, slave, bottom)

 

[bruisedweasel]

Well, considering my tastes have run this way for years (puberty onward)... I've just never acknowledged them as possible healthy avenues for sex. As a young teen I'd tie myself up, fantasize about a boyfriend who would be, as I thought of it at the time, "a man"- an undeveloped desire at the time, still not sure what I thought "a man" meant to me back then. I thought of group sex back then, and just being dirty in general.

Then the depression got really bad, and all that got pushed aside. I tried to live like I thought I was supposed to live, so as not to be more of a burden or upset anyone's perception of me. I thought myself undesirable, so repressed my sexuality even more.

I do know I want a man I can please, someone I can be sexy for. I want someone capable of giving back the love I give. I want the freedom to be able to explore my sexuality, and express it without inhibition. (heh, and who doesn't want that, really?) The normalcy of this last paragraph is rather comforting to me.

 

[sb2009]

Hi, I'm Samantha and I'm bi polar. Ha hah, just some group therapy humor.

I, like you mentioned, tend to the downswing of the roller coaster ride. With age, though, came more manic episodes and that was a bit a surprise. I mention this to encourage you to 1.keep taking your meds even when you feel good and 2. remain under a drs care because there will be times when your meds will need adjustment, etc.

THAT SAID....good girls do a lot of things...I'm a really good girl and I have done some wonderfully dirty things...it's all about sticking to who you are, and what you want.

I do hope that you have at least one close friend, who you can trust to give you honest feedback on your mental state. My husband does this for me, and it is very important. I many times can not see the swings until it's full on bat shit insanity..he can see if before it happens usually and heads me off at the pass, so to speak (or makes me get a a quick dr appt)

Now..is all the fun sex stuff due to hypersexuality in a manic state? Only you and your dr can decide. The thing to remember is, if it's causing damage to your life and your (healthy) relationships..it might be time for a reality check on decision making.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Vixandra]

Being bi-polar with a religious upbringing and other psychological blocks/damage in your past can make life difficult. However, I think you're doing a wonderful thing by working this out, getting the help you need and all that jazz.

Here's a decent check-list that's printable:
http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/newchecklist/printerfriendly.php3

If you're considering forming a long term relationship with someone, you need to let them know about your psychological issues up front. Be honest, be blunt. It saves everyone's time and can prevent heartache. Some PYL's cannot deal with some forms of psychological issues and others can. If you don't tell them up front and you have a massive mood swing, it can be painful for the PYL involved.

 

[fuckmeat]

YC's advice about the checklist is a good idea, as you're worried about making the right choices for yourself. If you sit down and fill it out when you're in a calm and balanced state of mind, you can refer back to that when things are more heated and know that deviating from what you decided might lead to regrets. I know that when you're in the sub zone, it can be extremely difficult to pull back and refuse to do something but it's very important that you learn to listen to your gut and do that. You have to also keep in mind that your guy is trusting you to communicate when you're not happy with something. If he's any kind of decent man, he'd be very upset to learn that you allowed him to push you into doing things you weren't really comfortable with. There's a lot of trust needed on both sides in D/s, so keep in mind that as a consenting adult you're responsible for communicating your needs and limits. It may not feel like being submissive to do so, but it's furnishing your dom with information that he needs in order to make informed choices that affect you both.

The only other thing I wonder is whether you're drawn to submission because you are looking for more of a father figure than a boyfriend, someone who will take care of you, protect you and allow you to abdicate responsibility and become child-like. That can be a very seductive notion. You shouldn't be looking at BDSM as a way to escape the responsibilities of adult life, you should be looking at it as a way to enrich the life you're choosing for yourself. I apologise if I'm way off base with this thought.

 

[bruisedweasel]

sb2009- Your similar story encourages me. I usually catch the depression before it escalates, But my hypo-mania can be so subtle that it feels normal, and before I know it I've spent $200 on Amazon or at Walmart. I'm afraid I have no close friends to help monitor me. I've always had to rely on myself to catch when the mood shifts. This, as I said, works really well for depression but the manias are harder to detect, being newer sympotoms.

Vixandra- Thank you for the link.

fuckmeat- I'm not really after a father figure. I just like stronger men. Someone willing to overpower me at certain times, but not constantly.
This man I've been chatting with now has expressed several times he doesn't want to make me do anything I don't want to do, which is probably why I trust him as much as I do. I'm going to follow Vixandra's link and get some paper and start on a list. It hink, given some of the fantasies the two of us want to fulfill together, I'm going to need it.

I'm feeling so much better today having got some of this off my chest last night. Everyone has been very helpful so far.

 

[sb2009]

oh yeah the spending....yikes! I can say that I have a problem with spending too much money when hypo-panic symptoms!!

My husband-monitor has told me it's time to get off the computer and work on some tasks today ;-) but feel free to PM me and if you have gmail or yahoo I can give you my info.

Take care!